Do I Need a Title?

*sigh*

You know how sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying? What do you do when you can't laugh anymore? All I've felt like doing today is crying. I haven't felt good for the past week or so either, so that doesn't help the situation. I haven't been sleeping well and I think that it's because I'm trying not to focus so hard. The only problem is, I think I'm concentrating too hard on not focusing my attention on a certain thing.

This is going to sound dreamy and immature. You're probably going to say that I'm too young to be thinking these thoughts, that I have my whole life to worry about this. I can't get it out of my head though. All I can think about is my wedding and how it won't happen for six years (minimum). All I can think about is being with Josh day and night and how wonderful it will be to take care of him and be with him.

Truly the only thing keeping us from getting the M-word is money. Both of us, when we get there, will be financially independent from our parents completely. The sucky part about that is he wants a PhD at one of the top 10 Computer Science schools. I want to go to a good university, a good language school. There are a couple up in New York; MIT is close to there, but Josh may not pick to go there. I don't want to be more than 5 hours (driving) away from him. I can't afford to fly that often.

My mind keeps developing "good ideas" that would be great aside from finances. Then I start thinking about how wonderful that would be and the time frame that I would have, etc. I thought of a fantastic one in the shower this morning. Then I killed it. I took a knife and I stabbed that idea. I watched it deflate. I watched it bleed. I felt it hurt. I started crying and decided that I would give it away. I prayed right then. I told Him that I want to be happy where I am. I don't want to be non-content not being the six letter F-word (you know, the french one). I want it so badly; I want it right now. Not the ring, the peace of mind that comes with knowing that the ball is rolling, so to speak. But I can't want it. Whenever I want something really bad, I obsess. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because usually I think about it, plan it out, and go about getting it in a logical way. The only problem is that after I do that, I expect it to happen, fairly closely to the way I imagined it. I told Him the plan I came up with a few minutes ago. I told him what I had to do to get rid of it. The way I was praying reminded me of Grace from Bruce Almighty. Desperate, sincere prayer, spoken through hot tears and the mumbles that come from crying.

Now I can't seem to stop. I've prayed twice today for God to take this burden from me, for Him to pry it out of my little fingers. I question my sincerity almost. I only feel worse after this morning. And I still thought about it all day. I'm in a slump and I don't want to be in it. At the same time, I don't know how to get out of it.

I want so many things very badly. I want to get married, I want to go to Germany, I want to move out of my parent's house, I want to go to a great school that's close to Josh's. I'm guessing that I want change. A big change. Maybe I'm just asking the impossible. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I do know that I want to stop hurting and be content. With everything. It can't be too much to ask of the Lord because He's freaking HUGE. He can do whatever He wants. He's all-powerful.

How can I re-train my thinking?

Guatemala Update

Here's the blog I promised, Mom!

Hi everyone! I am writing this from Brandon and Jenny's beautiful home in Xela, Guatemala. So far this trip has been both exciting, tiring, and relaxing all at the same time. We are building bunk beds in two separate rooms, five bunks in each room. We have the bunks in one room completely built and the first coat of varnish was put on this morning. All of the beds in the other room are built, but the bunks haven't been assembled yet.

The scenery here is beautiful! For some reason, I had a tropical environment stuck in my head. The surroundings remind me of Haiti, only without the tropical plants all over the place. The roads are much better than they are in Haiti, but they are still bumpier than at home.

For the Fourth of July, Brandon bought some fireworks. He was told that the Koreans had the best ones, so he went hunting for them. He never did find the Koreans, so he bought the only fireworks he could find. They were Chinese made (it's become a joke amongst the team). Anyway, after dinner, we all went up onto the roof-roof (the house is three stories, but the top story is mostly patio) and wrapped up in blankets in our plastic chairs and watched.

While we waited for Brandon and Nathan to light the fireworks, we watched a lightning storm just past the mountains. The Scotts live in a valley, surrounded by mountains. It's really cool to see the landscape at night because
you can't see the mountains at all and the lights from the houses on top of the mountains can be seen. The lights appear to be floating in midair, almost like those "UFO sightings" that people claim to have photographed.

Anyway, the fireworks were lit and were the professional-style amateur kind. They were beautiful! After all 30 fireworks went off, some sideways, we went off the roof and sat on the patio, huddled around the chiminea, and drank hot Hibiscus tea. Bridget pointed out a few constellations for us and we told funny stories.

The sun comes up here at about 5:00a and sets at around 7:00p. It feels later than it is to us because we're not used to the sun setting until 9:00p.


I experienced my first earthquake today, and it was a long one. It lasted for about 30 seconds. It was only noticeable if you were standing still or sitting down. It was strong enough to make the water in the glasses shake, but it wasn't that bad. Jenny said that there had been much worse, but most of them are tiny tiny like this one was. It was an interesting experience.

I think the hot chocolate is ready, so I'm going to go now. I love you all and miss you all so much!