Hate

I am struggling with hate issues. Last night at Bible study we went over Philippians 2 and it really convicted me. We talked about service vs. slavery, in that when someone performs a service, they usually expect something in return, whereas when someone is a slave, they don't expect anything for their work. Sure, the slave may get something for their actions, but they aren't expecting it. We were talking about how we need to be in "slavery" to people more often, in that we shouldn't expect someone to say thank-you for holding the door open for them, so that we aren't doing the right things for the wrong reasons. We were talking about how we needed to be in service/slavery to people that aren't nice to us, or our enemies, to put it in biblical terms.

Anyway, this really convicted me that I need to be in service to an acquaintance of mine.
I've known her for a long while, eight years, but the friendship has been mostly one-sided. I was not treated very well, but I kept loving her, helping her, taking care of her, and the like. You know, things that best friends do. We recently had a falling out when she started to bash my fiance and tell me all sorts of lies about him and my family and me. I was careful not to hurt her in return as she told me these things (do you have ANY idea how DIFFICULT that was?) and I told her simply that I was not going to be her friend anymore.

My problem now is, after a series of events, I hate her. I've never truly hated anyone. No one in this world should be able to be given so much and not improve at all. She doesn't care, she doesn't feel, and I hate her for it. I hate her for hurting me for so long and not caring. I hate her, and that scares me. I have had horrible dreams about her ever since that last conversation. I think I still do care somewhat, only because when you love someone you give them a piece of your heart. But I don't want these dreams and thoughts to continue. I want them to go away. I want to stop feeling this way toward her. I don't like bristling at the sound of her name, or something she says, or something that reminds me of her. I've prayed about it, I know I did the right thing, so why is this bothering me?

Graduation!

I graduate in 17 days! Woot! Needless to say, the senioritis is getting worse by the day. The larger the project, the worse the disease. I have an abstract, an annotated bibliography, and two pages of a research paper due Thursday. I need one more source for the bib, I didn't really fix the abstract, and I'm struggling to make myself write the half page that's left to make two pages. It's so hard to finish schoolwork at the end of the year. You'd think that the closer the end got, the harder you'd work to make it go away faster. The truth is, the closer the end gets, the harder it is to do the tasks. Maybe I'll go write the dance paper that's due tomorrow - that's easy enough. It'll make me feel like I got something done.

I need to call all of the family to invite them to the graduation ceremony, which is May 9. I picked up my cap and gown and tassel on Friday. I'm surprised at the color of the cap and gown - it's very pretty. I can't wait to be sitting in the auditorium listening to the boring speeches that precede the long list of names before mine, then walk across the stage, shake the hand of a man I don't even know, and hope to catch a glimpse of my family, friends, and favorite professor as I walk back to my seat. It's going to be so great!

Well, I need to force myself to work on my research paper. Talk to you later.

Dance, Josh, and Chris

I only called my dance teacher silly so I wouldn't use a bad word. I actually have several bad words to describe her. I don't understand her grading system at all. On the first test, I made a 79. I was livid, so say the least, because I had read all THREE chapters (twice) that the test covered, I studied my notes from class and the review that we had in class and I STILL made a 79. On the second test, I made a 114. There were a few extra credit questions, but I didn't get every problem on the test right. On this test, I made a 131. This time there were fewer extra credit questions and I got a few problems wrong. I don't know who she thinks she is, but she is not a good professor. Period. I'm convinced that the Dean that sat in on our class that day would have fired her if Sarah (a classmate) had not begged her to not to kill the class. I know it sounds as if I'm upset with my 100+ grades, which I'm not, but I don't know where the extra points came from, and I have no idea how I'm doing in the class. When teachers give bogus grades like that, it is impossible to track your grades. She doesn't grade the video papers like that, so why does she grade the tests like that?

My weekend with Josh was amazing. The honors ceremonies weren't too terribly boring. I got to spend a lot of time with his family; they came up on Saturday morning. Josh and I played Canasta with Nana and Paw on Saturday evening while his family was at their hotel. After lunch on Sunday, all of the family sat down together and we played Taboo. Taboo is quite possibly my all-time favorite party game.

I'm feeling bad for my best friend, Christina. She's feeling as if everyone around her is getting engaged. Most of the class before us is engaged and a few of our class are also engaged and she's feeling left out. Her boyfriend is acting strangely about the whole thing. From what it sounds like, to me, he's avoiding the whole engagement thing. He told her that once he got a firefighting job, he'd propose. He has that job now. Then he said that she had to get a job making $10-$12 an hour so that she could buy a car. A job that pays that well without a degree is hard enough to find, but when you don't have a car, it's next to impossible. Then he said that he has to save up for an apartment before he buys the ring because he's simply tired of living at his parent's house. I'm smart enough to know that more money can be saved faster when living at the parent's house. He seems to be putting everything in front of them being together and she's getting frustrated. Every time they talk about it, they get into an argument. I think he's being ridiculous. He's hurting her and he doesn't care. He's not trying to comfort her at all, he's not trying to encourage her; he's pursuing his own wants and desires. He says that he wants to marry her and that he can't wait, but he's not acting at all like he really feels that way. I'm not sure what to tell her. I want to make her feel better, but I can't. I don't know how to comfort her in this situation. It's also hard because she's my maid of honor, my florist, and my wedding planner. She wants to be all those things, but it also refreshes the feelings of jealousy and hurt. I really want to make her feel better but I don't know how. I'm sorry, Chris. I'm at a loss.

School and Work

My silly dance teacher walked into class eleven minutes late on Wednesday. She walked in the room and said, "Sorry I'm late. We're going to move the test to Friday and finish watching the Merce Cunningham video today." I was mad. When I prepare for a test, I want to take it. Two of my classmates didn't study (which they want me to do for them) so they opted to skip that day and take the makeup test instead. I told them it would be better not to, but they went anyway. I don't mind helping them study, but I'm not going to study for them. Partially why I was mad about the test being moved is because it gave those two a second chance. As I said before, I don't study for people. I will help them if they have questions, but they have to study on their own.

Part of why they don't study is because our professor talks through everything so fast that they claim they can't take notes, so they don't even try. They'll read a book or fall asleep or do other things. One of them actually does pay attention most of the time, but she doesn't ever take notes. They expect me to let them use my notes, since I'm their friend, to study from and I don't let them do it. I don't like that they expect it of me. It's just rude. And lazy.

I have not gotten much sleep the past two nights because of the storms. I'm noticing myself becoming more grouchy during the day and I don't like it. I try really hard not to be grouchy and just when I think I've got it controlled, I unexpectedly snap at someone. I don't like it when I'm this way and I'm trying my hardest to not be so irritable.

My English presentation went very well today. There were a few hitches in the technical department, but that's to be expected. Everyone said their lines really well, and though we didn't speak particularly fast, we got through the entire Sleepy Hollow Jeopardy game rather quickly. I'll post the pictures on here as soon as I get them. We had a blast.

I'm off to eat lunch before work. Speaking of work, I finished my VA tests, which means that that section of training is done, which means I get a fifty cent raise! WOOT!

I Got A New Haircut!

Here are some pics of the new 'do - which I am LOVING!







Christina recommended me to a woman named Mikki. I would recommend her to anyone. I brought some pictures and I told her what I was looking for. She did an excellent job on my hair. I am so happy with it. It looks great both up and down. I can't wait to play with it some more and see what I can do with it. I especially can't wait to show Josh this weekend! *grin*

Wish me luck on my dance test tomorrow!

Wedding Thoughts and Research Paper Ideas

Thank you all for your input. I needed to hear what people were thinking.

I haven't been planning anything recently. I don't want to become Bridezilla. I told myself not to mess with stuff until I graduate, which is in 33 days. The only things that HAVE to be done this summer is deciding on a place to get married, reserve it, and find the bridesmaid's dresses. Since two of my bridesmaids will be out of town for college during the school year, I figured this would be the easiest way to get it all worked out. At Christmas break we can get their dresses altered if necessary, then they'll be all set. I decided to save every penny I can over the summer before I shop for my dress, that way I'll have a better idea of how much I have to spend on it.

I told my idea to my parents and my mom thinks that it would be better for Josh to pay for something like the photographer, but this is all irrelevant anyway. Josh said that since he's paying for the honeymoon, and we're going to Germany for a week, and since he's paying for other things for the wedding such as his tux, gifts, and the like, that he would have too much on his plate, so to speak, without adding the cost of the place. I told him that if that was the case, that we'd more than likely get married at Crossroads, even though it's half of the estimated budget. He said he still wants to look at other places, but I really don't see myself getting married elsewhere, simply because of cost. If I had to pick a place, I really do think it would be Crossroads. We get the most for our money, really.

At first, I was completely opposed to getting married at Crossroads. I can't even tell you why. But the more I talked with people, and upon reflection of the two weddings that I've been to at Crossroads, the more I started to realize how much of a gem it is. We will have the auditorium that seats 800+ people, so we won't have to worry about the size of the guest list. We will have the cafe, the huge room upstairs, the foyer upstairs and downstairs, the kitchen, and decorations for everything. We'll have plenty of room for everyone and there are three different ways we could do the reception. It also has the added bonus of location; it's really easy to get to and find, plus a lot of the people attending will already know how to get there. We also know for sure that wherever we are, there'll be a decent sound system available. The pros really do outweigh the cons. It's insane - I never thought I would feel this way.

I have an appointment with a florist tomorrow afternoon to get a quote. Christina used to work for them and she recommended them highly. We're most likely going to buy the flowers individually and have a flower-making party two days before the wedding, and store the flowers in the church fridge, if possible, since it's so big.

Right now, I'm wishing that it was April, 2009. Then I'd be fixing all the little things, making hair and nail appointments, and trying on my dress in anticipation. I'd have my dress. I can't wait to find my dress. *daydreams about dress*

I have an abstract for a research paper to write. The abstract is due Tuesday, and I haven't thought of a topic for my research paper yet. I'm going to see if I could follow the essay question from our midterm - the professor said it was ok to do that. The essay question that I chose were, as horrible as it sounds, women's rights in the 1600s. I argued that since most of the colonials were Puritan, the "good" Puritan woman had three rights. 1: submit to the authority of her husband, basically, what he says, goes. 2: submit to God and worship Him as often as possible. 3: care for her children, regardless of her or her children's physical condition or circumstance.

I used Mary Rowlandson as my example of a "perfect" Puritan woman. For those of you who don't know who she is, she was taken captive by the Native Americans who raided her town. She watched as most of her family were brutally murdered. Her husband was out of town during the raid, and she had one child in her arms, who was shot as she ran from her burning house, where most of her family were burning to death. She carried her sick child until the little one died. She was about six when she died. Rowlandson continued on with the Indians on different "removes." She wasn't fed well and resorted to begging for food from the natives who weren't housing her. The family she was kept by didn't treat her well. The wife hated her and made her do all of the dirty work, and punished Rowlandson for begging for food. The husband more than likely raped her multiple times. She was eventually traded for some goods by a man who was in contact with her husband. She and her husband and the few children who survived continued to live in the colonies.

I was going to make an argument that another of the females that we read about was not a good Puritan woman because she was a business woman, which was a no no. She made a long journey that a lot of young men had a difficult time making, accompanied only by the mail men that traveled that route. She wore pants when she rode her horse. She had at least two children, but was never married, at least at the point in the story that we read.

We also read about another woman who was a good Puritan woman, though she did nothing daring but write poetry. She had eight children and used poetry as her getaway. She was devoted to her husband and worshiped God incessantly. She had a lot of tragedy in her life, but she never blamed God or turned away from Him.

I'm not sure where else I would go with the Puritan women's rights, but that's why preliminary research must be done, which I am supposed to be doing now. I suppose I'll get back to it. Sorry it took me so long to post again. Enjoy the sun!