*sigh of exhaustion*

I have had the most emotionally exhausting day today and it started last night before I went to bed. I would rather not say on the worldwide web what the exact situation was. I did gather up courage from somewhere and spoke with Sandy about the incident. She doesn't hate me and she is not in fear of Josh's safety; my biggest fears about the whole situation are no longer fears. All day today I would think about it and think about what I was going to say to her and I would feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Hurt and fear were the two biggest feelings. Josh said he is always there to support me, even if he would have to challenge his mom. But I spoke with her, told her everything I knew regarding the incident and it's ok. She was glad that I came to her and "cleared the air" so to speak. She was glad that I was open and honest. Who knows what she thinks about me; her eyes still had questions and doubt in them. But I can't control what she thinks or believes. I did my part and now it's up to her. I hope that one day she will realize how hard it was and how much it meant for me to initiate the conversation and talk with her. It was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sandy intimidates me incredibly. I am almost scared of her. It's crazy, I know. But whatever.

I had a great time yesterday though. Josh and I went to Scarborough Fair and had a blast! We watched the Birds of Prey demonstration, we watched a poorly-acted, obviously-scripted joust, we rode an elephant, we watched a mud show, we watched a game of human chess (which was unbelievably cool) and we watched a glass-blowing demonstration. We ate fajitas for lunch and ate what they called Italian Ice later that afternoon. The Italian Ice was cool (literally); what it was was a half of an orange with Italian ice cream, almost like sorbet, in a half circle on top. After you finished your ice cream you got to eat the frozen orange half. It was so tasty! Josh bought me a beautiful garland (a wreath that you wear on your head) and wouldn't stop commenting about how gorgeous I looked with it on. I love it when he does that. We had a ton of fun. Next time, we're going to dress up.

After the fair, we went back to Josh's house and played Guitar Hero II with Austin. And we had dinner. And played a new card game.

We went to lunch with my family today. We played God of War for half an hour, then I took Josh back to his house and went to the Russia meeting.

I really want to go see Josh this weekend (and go see Nana - she's having back surgery tomorrow) but the Russia team is preparing box lunches for the picnic next Sunday. I really want to skip it, not because I don't want to be there, but because I want to see Nana and Josh. I'm not sure what I should do. Maybe I can work it out to go down to Austin the weekend after next, that way I can have the best of both worlds. We'll see I suppose.

I have a speech outline to create for tomorrow. It shouldn't take too long. I am so drained. And liable to cry at the drop of a hat. Or just the thought of it. I have no appetite from stress. I think I'll go to bed early. Good night, all.

Ich Fühle Mich Besser

The day after my terrible blog was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I was happy the whole entire day, even after doing not so well on a math test (which I usually get pretty frustrated over). We'll see how I actually did within the next week.

I also found out that one of my really good friends had the exact same feelings on the exact same night that I did. She even thought about calling me, but didn't want to bog me down with all the complaints. I thought about calling her and "venting," but I, too, didn't call because I didn't want to bother her with my petty little grievances. It was very interesting to find out.

I am so glad that the few of you who read this actually care. I am so grateful to you who comment (Lori, Joye, and Robyn, mostly) for giving me an honest opinion. It's really great to have people who have already been there and gone through the same feelings. It also helps that women comment most frequently because they know what the emotional ups and downs are like, either by hormones or some other means. This is wonderful because they know from experience how strong the emotions are and can offer whatever advice they have to me. Hindsight is 2020, they say, which makes it all the better to get advice from people who have the ability to see 2020 in their own lives.

Thank you to all four of my readers for caring and being there for me.

None of my problems have been solved, but I am making a conscious effort to be happy even when things go wrong. I'm also working on not having my famous lecturing of stupid drivers and calling them names when they do something stupid on the road. They can't even hear me - what's the point of fussing at them? As always, I am trying not to compare myself to others, though it is quite difficult at times. I am also trying desperately not to stress over school related things too much. There are only two weeks left of class, then finals, then I will have my break over summer. Two weeks isn't that long. I can handle it. As far as college goes, I'm going to plan minimally, but just take the "cross that bridge when you get there" position. I may end up going to three different colleges, but as long as I graduate and get my masters, I'll be happy.

One thing that bothers me still: people almost constantly ask when Josh and I become the M word. I tell them that I don't know, that it won't be for a long, long, long, long, long, time. It's very irritating not having a general time when he might ask me, but if he hasn't come to that bridge yet, there's nothing for me to worry about. I know what you're thinking; that we're too young to get married. The soonest possible would be in two years. We'd be 22. Even then, it's highly unlikely for that to happen. At least that's what I keep telling myself. It's so hard to not think about it though. I'm working on it. Mostly.

The Russia team met today. I can't wait to go. I am so excited that I almost don't care what we're going to do, as long as we're there. The trip dates are 2 August to 12 August. Some of you may be getting a letter from me before too long.

I would like to thank you all again for your support. Have a good night. Bis später.

Enough is Too Much

I feel as if I'm going to explode.

There is so much weight pounding down on my mind.

Every test or project feels overwhelming.

There's very little motivation left to keep working at school.

Every Sunday I dread going to work. I don't go but on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

When I am at work, the stress in the air is palpable. I think you could catch a jar of it if you wanted to.

Jason always makes fun of me or women or everything else. He also says the F-word too much. If you paid him $10,000 to not say it for an hour, he'd fail. Also, when he's not making fun of me or someone else, he's complaining or telling his far-fetched attention-getter stories.

Torey has been getting more and more stressed and at lower and lower levels he starts getting impatient. Seeing Torey get bogged down so quickly irks me. He used to be the strong one.

I want to quit so badly, but if I'm ever going to go to a university, I need the money. I would much rather work in a veterinary office, but they'd only pay between $6 and $7; a severe pay cut for me.

The Green-eyed Monster of Jealousy comes out every time I think about Josh's position in life. A family that loves him and shows it, too. A family who can afford to send him to the good school. He was just awarded the position of College Scholar (the second highest in the school) for Computer Science. The ability and intelligence to pursue a PhD later in his school career. His siblings love him and are nearly heartbroken when he leaves for school. They are also overjoyed when he comes home for a visit.

It feels as if there's no way out.

I have to work so hard for everything I get and have. What I have is so little. What I want seems impossible; out of reach.

So far out of reach.

Maybe this is just a pity party.

Maybe this is just hormones.

Maybe this is my pain medication wearing off.

Maybe this isn't really as bad as it seems.

Maybe this is from a severe lack of sleep.

Maybe this is all true.

I get so frustrated at myself for comparing myself with other people. But I can't help it.

How can I make myself happy all the time like Josh is?

I want to be happy all the time. I love being happy. Oh how I love being happy.

I'm extremely happy when I'm around Josh.

Why can't I be extremely happy when I'm away from him? What is preventing me?

How do I keep myself from plunging into these mini-depressions?

Is it me?

Or is it something else?

I wish I did not have problems. If I did not have problems, I would not be normal.

I want to learn the lesson and be done with it.

I need love.

A regular stream of it.

Even if it is trickling.

I need it.

I suppose I am needy in that way.

I need attention.

I need encouragement.

I need someone to listen.

This open space is listening.

I need to hear that you love me.

I need to hear that I can do it.

I need to know you care.

I do know you care.

Show me.

Love me.

Thanks for listening.

Maybe I just try too hard.

I try to please.

I try to love.

I try to help.

I try to encourage.

I try to be supportive.

Does it go unheard?

Unseen?

Unfelt?

I just want a little of the same in return.

There it is. My mind, poured out for you.

Tread lightly.

I hurt.

I Love to Singa

I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a,
I love to sing-a,
About a sky of blue-a, or a tea for two-a,
Anything-a with a swing-a to an "I love you-a,"

I love to, I love to sing!

I was born a singin' fool-a,
Lah-de-dah!
Ol' Major Bowes is gonna spot me,
Got through Yale with boula-boula,
Lah-de-dah!
Old microphone's got me!

I love to sing-a,
I love to wake up with the south-a in my mouth-a,
And wave a flag-a,
With a cheer for Uncle Sammy and another for my mammy,
I love to sing!

If I could put the tune on here, I would. I've had this song stuck in my head for the past two days. You gotta love old 30s-40s cartoons. Merrie Melodies, baby!

Observing went well today. I learned about Wiener Schnitzel. Schnitzel means a small cut, such as meat, like a cutlet. Wiener means that it came from Wien, the capital of Österreich; or for you English speakers out there it came from Vienna which is the capital of Austria. Wiener Schnitzel is a piece of veal that has been breaded and fried. There is also a food called Wiener Wurst, which simly means Viennese sausage. Why the Weinerschnitzel food chain serves hot dogs is unknown. Just thought I'd pass along that information.

For you who can speak German: Führen Baumschmerzen zum Waldsterben?

Die Verbuchung

I observed my first class today. I lucked out and got a German teacher (I think I already said that, but just in case...) who teaches all levels of German. Today I observed his German 1 class and his German 2 class. His name is Herr Shade. When I told my Mom about him last Wednesday, her reply was, "Like brunette?" I didn't get it at first. But, I digress.

Both of his classes were fairly well behaved, though his German 2 class was a lot more interactive, with the teacher, each other, and me. One of the girls spoke Ubbi Dubbi (a made up language from a television show) and when she realized that I knew it too, she got all excited. Herr Shade noticed and asked me to introduce myself to her in Ubbi Dubbi to illustrate the language for the class. The two of us had a short conversation, then Herr Shade had me introduce myself to the class in English. It was awesome! I also got a compliment on my toenails; they're painted the colors of the German flag with the whole flag on my big toe.

The only thing I'm not liking about observing the classes is that I find myself wanting to take notes on the lesson. I catch myself thinking, "You need to write that down," but I don't, because I know if I take one note, there will be many more that follow, and that will not help me finish my notebook for education.

Speaking of which, could you pray for my stress levels regarding getting the notebook finished? I had a dream last night that my education teacher came after me with a sledgehammer because my notebook was less than perfect. The notebook is due on the 11th and I MUST have 16 observation hours. This means that I will be observing until the day before the notebook is due and probably pulling an all-nighter to get the notebook finished. I'm trying to do as much as possible as I go to make it easier on myself later. Nevertheless, I am still anxious about it and worried that I won't do well.

Herr Shade, by the way, speaks German like a native. I wish I could record his voice to show you guys. When he speaks German it is so smooth and virtually flawless. It sounds as if he uses no effort when making the most difficult sounds and letter combinations. He's amazing. And I haven't even observed the AP classes yet!

I am dying to take German classes. I want to learn it so badly! There's only so much that one can teach themselves, especially with language. On fire is a tiny bit too strong, but it's the closest thing to describing how much passion I have for learning the language. I only hope that I can be a translator, a good one at that, and maybe be able to be a guest speaker in a high school or something like that.

I couldn't be a teacher. I see the passion that Herr Shade and the other foreign language teachers have for not only the language they teach but for teaching as well. I see that and I know that that certain passion is not present in me. The passion for the language? Yes. The passion for wanting others to learn it? Yes. But the passion to get into the classroom and endure grueling planning sessions, long hours, working at home, and non-instructional duties just makes me turn my nose up at the whole idea. Maybe I need to go for my masters not just for fun, but so that I can be a college professor and teach in that way. I would still have to plan and work long hours, but the non-instructional duties would be fewer, at least from a student's perspective.

I had better scoot and get some more of this notebook stuff finished. Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate the advice and comments. I'll look into that German Bible, Lori. Danke schön! Gute nacht.