I Lied

The poem isn't finished. I still can't come up with an ending that suits it. I think the first one I posted is the one I'm going to stick with, the one with "I didn't know it would end so soon." at the end. Sorry guys. I guess my teacher was right, poets obsess over every little detail.

I don't think I'm going to go to the Gateway church's Bible study anymore - they're too charasmatic for me and there are enough false things being taught there that it outweighs the good.

Good night, everyone. Bis später.

Johari Window

Chris had an interesting link on her page - I made one for me too. I'd like to see what people really think of me.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=the+Guin

Finished Work

Here is the finished poem (in case you all care); yes, I dare call it complete.

Friends ‘Til the End

I didn’t know it would end so soon.

Forever is not reality

She will go her way

And I will go mine

Friends like we used to be

Is what we dream of

Each of us dreamed

While we were in grade school

That when each of us took our turn

Wearing the white dress

The other would be there

To share our happiness

In the color of our choice

After the ceremony

In the years to come

We would have coffee and lunch

To reminisce about the past

From childhood to present

And the childhood that is to be

In about 9 months and after

We promised to be friends forever

Sitting on the porch drinking lemonade

Sharing pictures and stories

Of our children and theirs

Laughing at how similar our children are

To us when we were that age

Looking back on all we'd been through together

Standing on the grave of my beloved

Tears falling to the ground

She held me as I cried

She comforted me

As only a lifelong friend could

Standing at the gates of the cemetery

Only a few yards away

Is where she lay

We always wondered who would last

I lay beside the tombstone

As if she were there beside me

Just like when we were kids

And the room was dark

When we giggled until sunrise

About the boy that gave us a valentine

We promised to be friends forever

Forever is not reality

I showed this to Donna this morning after class. She said that I should enter it in the Creative Writing Contest that NCTC is holding. She also suggested that I submit one of my essays that I wrote last semester for her class. The Creative Writing Contest has different contests for different age groups and such, each with a section for poetry, short stories, and essays. Technically anyone who submitted could have a chance to win three times, once in each catagory. There is, of course, a cash prize to those who win first, second, or third place. I'm going to submit the above poem and one of my essays, The Songs of Spring. I don't expect to win anything, but I think it'd be fun to compete.

I have a lot of homework to do so I'll let you go here. There is one thing: Isn't it amazing how moods can be affected by writing? I was in a horrid mood last night (no matter how hard I tried to fight it, and I did) so I sat down to write on my blog and "vent" but this formed in my head, so I wrote it down. You have no idea how much better I felt after writing it. A weight had been lifted, I'll tell you that much. *shrug* God works in mysterious ways.

Tschüss!

A New Poem

I have just finished a new composition. I can't decide on the ending, though. I'll take it to my English teacher in the morning and see what she thinks. I'll put the alternate ending at the end of the poem (only the last paragraph/stanza is changed) so you can see what's on my mind, but the ending I have is the one I'm leaning towards. It's not like it's going to be published or anything, but still.

Friends ‘Til the End

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality
She will go her way
And I will go mine
Friends like we used to be
Is what we dream of

Each of us dreamed
While we were in grade school
That when each of us took our turn
Wearing the white dress
The other would be there
To share our happiness
In the color of our choice

After the ceremony
In the years to come
We would have coffee and lunch
To reminisce about the past
From childhood to present
And the childhood that is to be
In about 9 months and after

Sitting on the porch drinking lemonade
Sharing pictures and stories
Of our children and theirs
Laughing at how similar our children are
To us when we were that age
Looking back on all we'd been through together

Standing on the grave of my beloved
Tears falling to the ground
She held me as I cried
She comforted me
As only a lifelong friend could

Standing at the gates of the cemetery
Only a few yards away
Is where she lay
We always wondered who would last
I lay beside the tombstone
As if she were there beside me
Just like when we were kids
And the room was dark
When we giggled until sunrise
About the boy that gave us a valentine

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality
I didn’t know it would end so soon.

Alternate ending:

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality

Surprise!

The women's retreat was great fun. I was dissappointed that I didn't get to talk to Lori like I wanted, but we can always go to coffee sometime. I had a great time with Kelley, getting to know more about her and so on. I made a new friend at the retreat, too. Her name is Kathy and she has a son that's about my age. She and her family just got back from England; they had to move for her husband's job. Apparently her son and I share some views and we were talking about them over lunch on Saturday. She's a great, godly woman and I can't wait to get to know more about her.

Saturday afternoon we had freetime from 1:30 - 4:30 and during the second half of freetime, Kelley and I went to a "spa" thing. The sign-up sheet said something about hand and foot treatment and Kelley and I thought that sounded fun, so we signed up for it and went at the specified time. The first thing we did when we got there was we washed our faces as we were instructed. We looked at the sun damage on our faces under a black light, then we put this slightly-heavier-than-water substance on our faces. As the woman handed out the "glue," she told us that we were recieving a chemical peel. I started worrying, afraid that the horror story that I saw on tv would become my reality. The character had a bright red, blistered face after recieving a chemical peel. I had already put it on my face and I didn't want to offend all the other ladies by not doing it, so I went through with it, assuring myself that I would be ok. After getting my lips and hands exfoliated, we were allowed to peel off the mask. Kelley's face turned bright red immediately and stayed that way for about an hour. My face felt fine at first, but a few minutes after peeling all the gunk off, I felt something painful. Each of the pores on my face felt like they had a flame burning inside of them. I had never felt anything like it before. About an hour after the intense burning sensation had first begun, I started getting this massive headache which made me dizzy at times. I took some Excedrin and it never kicked in. It lightened up a little bit before I went to bed and in the morning it was gone, and my face was no longer burning. My face is all soft now, so I guess that's good.

Between a lack of sleep and having had so much pain for so long the day before, I was exhausted. Mom and I went to lunch on the way home and had a great conversation about Germany. Kelley and I were wanting to make valentines that night after church and I had to get the supplies from the store because Kelley had to work. Mom went with me to the store, then we went home. As soon as we pulled up, John burst out the door to help us carry in our luggage, almost as if he were watching for us to come home. I shrugged it off, I was tired and had a bunch of stuff that I had to carry in, so I didn't mind the help. I took my armload of stuff to my room and just as I was reaching for the knob to open the door, it opens for me and Josh is standing there, welcoming me home. Josh said that I looked scared, but I think that was due to the fact that I was so tired I couldn't get surprised on my face quick enough.

He had come in town because he needed pictures for his study abroad application and he went with his mom to get them done. He came in town Friday night and because he knew I was away, he didn't tell me that he was home because he knew I'd be miserable at the retreat if I knew (he knows me well), so he figured he'd just surprise me on Sunday. He brought me the most beautiful valentine's present (besides himself): a pair of earrings, 10 karat created heart-shaped rubies surrounded by a gold heart and a small diamond just above the heart. I'd put a picture on here, but my camera sucks and has no focus. Anyways, they are beautiful. He gave them to me in such a romantic way, too. He's a heart-melter, that's for sure. I gave him his giant squish-pillow kiss (it's a replica of a Hershey's kiss) and told him that his real valentine's present is waiting, that I still have to finish making it, so he can't have it until he comes in town for the concert where the Dallas Symphony Orchestra is playing pieces which were composed by Mozart. I can't wait to show him what I've got planned!

Ok, I think that's all. I'm going to have a nap now and I will talk to you all later. Bis später.

Valentine's Celebration

Josh is coming in town the 24-26 to go to a Mozart concert with me. I'm planning on this being part of his V-day present. I got him two other small gifts, but I want to do something a little bigger for him. I think JPatch and Lori are right - food is the way to go. I have a fantastic idea, but I can't tell - just in case he reads this. Oh my gosh! This is a GREAT idea! Oh, I'm so excited now! Thanks, guys!

My mom talked to Ed (her boss at work) and asked him if there were any job openings. Starting next month, I'm going to be working with my mom, Seanathan, Pat, and Evan up on the mezanine doing the same thing I did before I started working at the clinic. I'll do that on Tuesdays and Thursdays and work with my dad and the rest of the crew on Wednesday and Friday nights doing the "Plano Project." About a two years ago M&A recieved an order from Plano ISD to upgrade all of the computer systems in the district. The entire project took a year and a half to complete, so I'll be helping them for a while. I'll still be working for the clinic on Saturdays and Sundays, so basically I'll be working every day of the week except Monday. It'll be busy, but I don't mind. I get paid more by the hour at M&A and my car will be paid off in June, so I can save $100 more per month after that. I'll save everything that I don't need for bills, which means that I'll be going to Germany next summer! WOOT!!! *does a little dance* Just the thought of it makes me giddy. Of course only time will tell the truth, but it's not a bad goal to have set, right?

I've got laundry to do and an assignment to turn in so I'll talk to you all later. You probably won't hear from me for a few days because I'm going on the Women's Retreat this weekend. Talk to you all later! Bis später. Tschüss.

Minor Update

In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to blog more. I really started slacking in that area. I don't feel that it's important enough to wake up just so I can blog everyday, but I do want to post at least every other day. Weekends may be an exception, what with work and any homework and such.

Speaking of weekends, I went shopping with Chris on Saturday. We had a blast - at least I did - and it was almost like we never left off, with the exception that I knew virtually nothing of Daniel. I learned about him and their plans for dating and whatnot all while we were shopping for his Valentine's Day present. I won't spoil what his present is, but a lot of forethought and planning has gone into this gift, and I know he'll love it.

-beginning of rabbit trail- Chris and I, and probably most of the female population, have notice that Valentine's Day is geared towards females. There's chocolate and roses and chocolate and candy and chocolate and stuffed animals as far as the eye can see and chocolate and even more chocolate clothed in red, white, and pink. So, women around the world are asking themselves, "What on earth do I get my boyfriend/husband/significant other?" I have found, from asking several different people, including men, that there are four answers to this question: 1) A watch, 2) A necklace, 3) Nothing, or 4) Something creative. What happens when he already has a nice watch, he already wears a necklace constantly, and you are short on the creativity pole and won't accept giving him nothing? Thank you, Hallmark, for creating yet another holiday that brings you profit and manages to leave someone feeling hurt and unloved. -end of rabbit trail-

I aced my math test. I've never aced anything before. It's a great feeling.

My English teacher is, so far, the best teacher I have ever had. She is giving only 5 people in our class the change to judge a UIL competition. I'm not sure if each of us is going to judge one catagory (I think that's what you'd call it) or if all 5 of us will judge everything, but I do know that two of the catagories we'll be able to judge are speech and writing. I'm not sure about the details, but she said that she wasn't inviting the entire class, only 5 specific people. And, we're getting paid to do it! Heh heh heh. The competition is March 24. These are all the details I know right now. I'm sure she'll tell us more later. Just the thought of it is so exciting! What an honor!

Sarah's strutting around on the table with his crest erect - he's so goofy.

Josh and I were talking about the ski trip today and he said that his goal was to get to Parsenn Bowl and to take me with him. He said we'd work our way up to it but that we'd get there no matter what. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm glad he gave me time so I can psych myself up for it. I can't wait to go - I absolutely love to snow ski. Can you believe I'm old enough to be a chaperone?

My quest for Germany continues. I haven't looked up mission organizations yet, but there's still the money factor. I'll wait until next summer if I have to, but I'd rather go this summer, obviously. Maybe I can work with M&A over the summer and then I'll get more money than I woould at the animal clinic. Hmm... *starts scheming*

I'm going to a Bible study tonight with Lucas. I went with him two weeks ago and it was very different from a study at Crossroads. It's in a big church in Southlake (I can't think of the name at the moment) and their music is that of Acquire the Fire or some other youth outreach style get-together. They have lights and loud music and drums in a box (to help mute the drums). Their announcements are done through powerpoint slides and homemade-on-the-computer movies. The speaker presented a mixed message, at least from my point of view. Half of the things he said I agreed with and the other half weren't true at all. Half of what he said had a seeker-oriented feel and the other half was deeper and more solid feeling message. He used about five different translations of the Bible throughout the message, choosing the wording that he liked best to help him get his message across. They had an alter call at the end of the message and at the end of the night I was confused. I wanted him to pick either the truth or lies and stick with one or the other when he spoke. If ever there was a man who could speak both simultaneously, it was he. And something else that I found interesting; he would say the stupidest things and think he was funny. The crowd of college-aged kids would laugh sometimes, but not all the time. I think I laughed once and raised my eyebrow in confusion of how he thought what he said was funny the rest of the time. All-in-all, there was a very seeker approach, but I've only gone once. I've been invited again and I'm going (obviously). We'll see how this one goes - if it's the same seeker service or if it gets deeper.

I must be off, now. I should probably feed myself before I go. See you all later!

Oh! I'm going to the Women's Retreat this weekend and it's going to be a blast!!! Tschüss!

Germany

I want to go to Germany so badly. The only problem is money, at this point. My Mom ok'd it on Sunday when I spoke with her about it. We talked about it over dinner with my family at Mazatlan and when we got in the car, she said that now was the best time in my life to go out and explore the world and learn new things. She mentioned going with a missionary organization and I think that would be great, but I don't know how much of the language I'd pick up, unless they were native speakers. That's really my concern about going to Germany; learning the language. Second is learning the culture.

Oops! I'm going to be late for Bible study. Tschüss!

Found on Priceline.com, assuming I would be leaving in June and coming back in July, these are the prices I've found (not using the "your own price" option):

From Dallas to Berlin, Germany, it would be about $1,200.

From Dallas to Munich, Germany, it would be about $1,100.

From Dallas to Nuremburg, Germany, it would be over $1,300.

Basically, we're looking at over $1,000 for a plane ticket, so the cost of the CCI programs would be about $1,000 more than their quoted price, so it would be about $3,930 for the language school in Munich and starting at $2,450 for the homestay program. This is an awful lot of money, but I know it would be worth it and scholarships are available. Maybe my hopes of traveling to Germany aren't as far from reach as I thought they'd be.

There May Be Hope Yet

I have just looked online and found two different sites on foreign exchange that may actually be feasible. I found a lot, but only two that caught my eye. One may only be for high school students and it costs a lot more, but the price includes airfare and tuition for classes, too.

The one that I speak of is with AYUSA and it would last from June 24 to July 25. I would do homestay (stay with a family in their home) in Cologne, Germany and take language classes in the morning for 4 hours per day. There is no language requirement, which is what I need if I'm to go this summer (I doubt I will since it's so much money). Total price, including airfare and tuition, as I mentioned before, would be $5,699. I couldn't have that by this summer, but they offer scholarships, so I might could get help with that.

The other site that I found has two different options, one is for a homestay only and the other is for language school. With the language school, I have my choice to stay in Munich, Germany for 4 weeks. I would have 25 language classes per week (I'm not sure how many hours per day) and 2 activities per week that are mandatory. I would have my own room in a family's house and the cost would be $2,830, not including airfare and possibly not tuition (the site didn't say). I could go for any four weeks throughout the year.

With the homestay exchange, I would stay in someone's home, anywhere in Germany (I would choose up to three different places on the application, but no guarantees) for any 4 weeks throughout the year. There is a "basic German" requirement, which means that I would have to either take classes over the summer, or take classes at UNT next fall in order to learn the basics and then go to Germany the following summer or spring semester. With homestay, I could choose to participate in two programs consecutively, which means I could stay for up to 8 weeks in two different areas of Germany. Scholarships are available here as well, so applications for aid would most definitely be mailed.

If I had my preference, I think I would choose the AYUSA program simly because there is no language requirement. It does cost significantly more at this point, but I haven't calculated how much airfare and other costs would be in order to add them onto the CCI price and compare final costs. You never know, AYUSA could end up being cheaper.

I think it would be awesome if I could go this summer and get started on learning. I really want to go and I've got a leg up on being informed. If you have any other ideas or sites that I could check out, let me know. I found a ton of sites that are available for high school exchange, but CCI was the only one that had an option for adults. If I went this summer, I might end up having to go with them and doing the language school program just because it might cost less. I'm going to go find out how much a plane ticket to Germany would be...I'll post again later. Tschüss!

Coming Home

THEY'RE COMING HOME TODAY!!! I have never missed my family so much since I can remember. I even miss little William. I didn't even miss them this much when I went on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks with the Hughes'. Nine days. Nine long days. Their plane is expected as of late at 8:26 tonight. Anyone, everyone, come and welcome the Haiti team back! HOORAY!!!

Bad Emotions Suck

I miss being happy. I feel like a lump of nothingness.

the Goings On

Why is it that we have to be forced to do something that we're completely uninterested in? My English class was split into five groups on Tuesday and each group recieved a piece of paper with the name of a literary critiquing style on it. We have been told to give a presentation on Tuesday about five different aspects of our style. Since I had read the chapter that we were supposed to read before coming to class that day, I knew a little about each of the critiquing styles, what the look for, their viewpoint, and so on. The one that I completely disagreed with was the Marxism style and for time and your sanity's sake, I won't go on that rant. Anyway, Tuesday morning, our group representative has returned with our piece of paper. She unfolded the paper and laid it on the table. There it was, in big letters, MARXISM. Just my luck. Now I have to research some crap on Marxism and give some stupid presentation on what I found along with my group. I am really not enjoying this class and if it weren't for the fact that I need 12 hours of class to stay on insurance, I would drop it. I love the teacher, but I'm really hating the class. I DON'T WANT TO BE A FREAKING LITERARY CRITIC!!! There. I got it out.

I found out the other day that Josh's 10-week study abroad trip to Germany will cost about $6,000. My dreams of going to Germany in summers are crushed.

I don't think I have ever been so lonely in my life. You never realize how lonely your own house is until your family isn't there anymore. I have housesat for longer than this and I never got lonely like this. I guess it's different when it's your own house.

I have to go to work today and I don't want to.

I'm very tired and I don't feel good. I haven't been able to sleep well recently. I've also been having dizzy spells. Those little buggers are scary.

I read the entirety of Ecclesiastes. That book is depressing. There is no hope. I was told that it was a great book because when taken out of context, it was depressing as if there was no hope, but that the truth was revealed that God is all you need; He is your hope. I haven't really found this to be true. On occasion Solomon (the author of the book) does mention that God can save us from this wretched place, but the book itself can be summed up in only a few sentances: Don't be too wise, don't be too foolish. Everything under the sun is meaningless. Death is better than life, and having not been born is better than all. Where is the hope in that?

I think I'll go take a nap before I go to work. Maybe I'll get a little relief from my tiredhead and frustrations.

Missing Them

I knew I missed them, but now my heart is broken. I recieved this e-mail just this morning:

Hi, all!

We made it safely to the mission compound in Cayes! No problems other
than minor illnesses. Can't wait to tell you all about it!\

Love,
The Haiti Worship Team

P.S. Julie, I love you! Mom

I wanted them home badly before, but now it's just unbearable having to wait.

I just noticed how lonely I am. Maybe that's why I can't sleep well.