Enough is Too Much

I feel as if I'm going to explode.

There is so much weight pounding down on my mind.

Every test or project feels overwhelming.

There's very little motivation left to keep working at school.

Every Sunday I dread going to work. I don't go but on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

When I am at work, the stress in the air is palpable. I think you could catch a jar of it if you wanted to.

Jason always makes fun of me or women or everything else. He also says the F-word too much. If you paid him $10,000 to not say it for an hour, he'd fail. Also, when he's not making fun of me or someone else, he's complaining or telling his far-fetched attention-getter stories.

Torey has been getting more and more stressed and at lower and lower levels he starts getting impatient. Seeing Torey get bogged down so quickly irks me. He used to be the strong one.

I want to quit so badly, but if I'm ever going to go to a university, I need the money. I would much rather work in a veterinary office, but they'd only pay between $6 and $7; a severe pay cut for me.

The Green-eyed Monster of Jealousy comes out every time I think about Josh's position in life. A family that loves him and shows it, too. A family who can afford to send him to the good school. He was just awarded the position of College Scholar (the second highest in the school) for Computer Science. The ability and intelligence to pursue a PhD later in his school career. His siblings love him and are nearly heartbroken when he leaves for school. They are also overjoyed when he comes home for a visit.

It feels as if there's no way out.

I have to work so hard for everything I get and have. What I have is so little. What I want seems impossible; out of reach.

So far out of reach.

Maybe this is just a pity party.

Maybe this is just hormones.

Maybe this is my pain medication wearing off.

Maybe this isn't really as bad as it seems.

Maybe this is from a severe lack of sleep.

Maybe this is all true.

I get so frustrated at myself for comparing myself with other people. But I can't help it.

How can I make myself happy all the time like Josh is?

I want to be happy all the time. I love being happy. Oh how I love being happy.

I'm extremely happy when I'm around Josh.

Why can't I be extremely happy when I'm away from him? What is preventing me?

How do I keep myself from plunging into these mini-depressions?

Is it me?

Or is it something else?

I wish I did not have problems. If I did not have problems, I would not be normal.

I want to learn the lesson and be done with it.

I need love.

A regular stream of it.

Even if it is trickling.

I need it.

I suppose I am needy in that way.

I need attention.

I need encouragement.

I need someone to listen.

This open space is listening.

I need to hear that you love me.

I need to hear that I can do it.

I need to know you care.

I do know you care.

Show me.

Love me.

Thanks for listening.

Maybe I just try too hard.

I try to please.

I try to love.

I try to help.

I try to encourage.

I try to be supportive.

Does it go unheard?

Unseen?

Unfelt?

I just want a little of the same in return.

There it is. My mind, poured out for you.

Tread lightly.

I hurt.