Gramma Julie

That was how she always signed her name on cards and letters.

I had a strange dream about her last night. My mother, my aunt Polly and I were at Grandma's house with Grandma. For whatever reason, the doctor told us the exact time she would die; at 6:00 that night. At 5:30 Grandma took Polly to the back room to tell her something private. Mom started getting worried about Grandma at around five to six and started cleaning the china in the china cabinet in the living room. At 6:10, Grandma came out of her bedroom by herself and walked into the living room looking extremely sleepy. She said, "Carol, Mark" and collapsed on the floor and wet herself. Mom freaked out and started crying. I picked Grandma up by the arms and put her on her back in the kitchen floor in case she had anymore accidents. One of my arms was holding her head; Grandma reached for the other one and held it tight. She was looking straight into my eyes with a sleepy smile on her face. Then she said, "Carol" again. I beckoned mom over there, but she didn't want to come because she thought Grandma was gone. I assured her she was still alive and Mom said that she was crying too much. I told her I was crying too (I had a river of tears streaming down my face) and she came, sat beside her, and grasped her arm. Grandma looked from Mom to me and smiled the sleepy smile again. Her eyes looked sleepy; they were half open. I told her that I loved her, she said she loved me, too. I told her I would finish my book of her and she said, "Of course you will." Then she closed her eyes and she was gone. I woke up sobbing, which freaked Josh out.

This is not really how she died. For those of you who don't know, my favorite grandmother died on July 17, 2009. What happened was Grandma's best friend, Flossie, had been calling her all day, from the morning until the afternoon. Flossie was worried because even if Grandma had been working in the yard (which she did to the day she died) she would have come in by the afternoon time. So Flossie drove over to Grandma's house. Her car was there, her door was unlocked, but no lights were on. She went into the house and there Grandma was, apparently asleep in front of the tv. Flossie said you'd never know she wasn't asleep by looking at her. The death certificate said that Grandma was found at 9:10pm. Flossie said there was a piece of toast sitting on a plate on the table, which was most likely from breakfast. She had been in that chair all day, apparently watching television.

When my family got back from the rehearsal dinner, Dad checked the answering machine messages. I was in my room, making sure I had everything that I needed to get ready in the morning. I heard my mom call my brothers and I. I knew from the sound of her voice exactly what she was going to say. She didn't have tears, but she was extremely solemn. William and I met her in the hallway in front of John's bedroom door; John listened from his computer chair, eyes on us. Mom said, "Grandma died today" and my fears were confirmed. Now I really wasn't be able to sleep. My wedding was tomorrow, all the stress of that included, now my favorite grandparent had died.

You can ask Josh, it meant so much for her to be at the wedding. I kept telling her in my head, "You made it to 91, you just have 2 weeks left. This is easy for you. Just 2 weeks." She made it two weeks, but not to the wedding. To honor her at the wedding, we had a white long-stemmed rose walked down the aisle. John's girlfriend Ruthy carried it to the framed photograph of Grandma, which sat in her place in the row. It wasn't much and only a few people knew what it meant, but it felt like she was there. People kept telling me she was. Josh told me it was a good thing that she went the way she did. It was quiet and peaceful, like she would have wanted it. He said that it was good because she wasn't on her way here, causing panic and trauma for Polly, it wasn't at the rehearsal/dinner, causing panic and trauma for all the attendees, and it wasn't at the wedding, either; it was in her house in her favorite chair, doing something she enjoyed.

I sat there in bed this morning, thinking about writing this post and whether I should or not. I thought about all the things I didn't get to ask her. All the things that I really wanted to know. I'll never really know her side of the story. I can know what she did and how things played out, but I'll never know what she felt about it, what she thought about it.

I decided to write this post for closure. She was cremated before we got the call. She had always wanted to be cremated so that her children wouldn't have to fuss about (and pay for) a funeral and burial for her. My uncle had spoken with her and gotten permission to scatter her ashes in the Wichita mountain range near her home, in her five most favorite places. I had always known she wanted to be cremated, but I had always expected an open-casket memorial service first. Seeing the body provides closure in and of itself. Since she was cremated and I wasn't able to be with my family as they scattered her ashes, I won't have any real closure.

I helped my mom and aunt clean out Grandma's house when I got back from the honeymoon. It was weird, being in her house, seeing all her stuff exactly where it had been for years, but not seeing her there. She wasn't in the yard, she wasn't in the kitchen, she wasn't in her chair. Mom and Polly had sorted through her stuff for three days and didn't hit the tip of the iceberg as far as getting stuff out of the house goes. All of the children (and spouses) had gathered the things that they really wanted. That's what Mom and Polly were working on. They took it one section at a time. They have to get the house ready to try and sell it. Grandma lived there for over 40 years; there's a lot of stuff to go through and a lot of stuff to repair.

No one knows why she died. I say she was just old. My mom said that she'd been having some heart problems. I can imagine that. She had lost two husbands, her parents, and her brothers. She only had her friends and family to love her. I don't know how she wasn't constantly lonely. Probably because she was so darn stubborn. Perhaps she was too stubborn to let loneliness affect her. I say she was just old. She is the strongest, most courageous woman I know. She has been through so many difficult times, so many interesting times, and came out on top.

This is why I started a book about her life. Not a biography. An account of her life, things that really happened, things she really did, but fictionalized dialogue. I'm going to try to finish it in Germany; I'm hoping that I can visit Mannheim (where her mother came from) and I'm hoping that it'll give me inspiration, that Deutschland itself will give me the inspiration I need. I did show Grandma the best part already, the part before the book that most writers use to dedicate to their loved ones. I used it to tell her what I think of her, that I admire her, what she means to me, and that I love her. She knew.

I should go now. I have my heart-stopping breakfast of bacon, eggs fried in bacon grease, and Activia to finish. My food is cold, but I don't care. I wanted to write this, to get it off my chest, to give myself some closure. I never had time to grieve, so I grieved this morning, on here, with you. I get to go to Flower Mound tonight and see my family and some friends. I'm excited to see them; I miss them. I hope I didn't bring you down; please don't let me do that. Be happy! :D :D :D Be happy, because I'm happy, because Grandma is in heaven right now, praising God and giving Him all the glory, which was her most favorite thing to do.