Too Long

There's WAY too much stuff going on in my life right now. Stress levels are so high I'm getting physically ill. Not good. Pray for me. I just wanted you to know I'm still alive.

I can't wait to see Joshua this weekend.

Long Awaited Post

Sorry about the length of time between posts. The holidays were so busy this year. Recuperating from them took a while.

Work has been going well in general. Some days are better than others, as you can imagine them being in a medical profession. Today I finished watching the last of my Outpatient Nurse (OPN) training and took the last test. Now all I have to do is get all the things in the training manual signed off and I will have completed my OPN training!

Wedding plans are going well. Right now I'm working on finalizing the guest list so that I can send out save the date cards. I figured they'd be a good idea since the wedding will be in peak vacation season, that way the guests that really want to be there can ask off of work. I also need to meet with the photographers and choose between the two I like. I'm going to a bridal show on the 24th with my MOH/best friend, my mom, and a coworker who got engaged over Christmas. I can't wait to see what ideas I can find there.

I have really enjoyed this break with Josh. For whatever reason, we have grown a lot together, both individually and as a couple. We've learned a whole lot about each other during this break; I think it has been very good for us. This semester while Josh is at school should pass by fairly quickly. Just think...we're on the home stretch! The next time Josh will be home for good and it will be only three months until the wedding! That will be so exciting.

I got Josh to go to yoga with me. He seems to like it a lot. The last class that we went to, my parents were there. It was pretty cool do be sharing the yoga experience with not only my fiance, but also my parents. It was a cool experience.

Day #12 (seems like I should be on a higher number)
Today what makes me thankful is... that I have a fiance who loves me and cares for me and thinks about me while I'm at work.

Today what makes me happy is... that I managed my time well at work today and was very productive.

Today what makes me free is... yoga. Workout + clearing of the mind while working out = feeling so much better and more stress free.

Bummed

Well, it's official. I'm not going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra this year. No one wants to go with me. Josh said that we could do something else instead, so I thought about the Gaylord Ice! exhibit. He didn't want to go once he realized that it was a room full of ice. He wanted a show.

Super bummed.

Sorry, All

My life has been über crazy. I pretty much live at work and what free time I do have, I split between sleep, laundry, and seeing my friends. It's a crazy life, but it pays well and keeps me busy, though also stressed and sick. :(

I have recently been introduced to a number of games by Shin Megami Tensei and have now, according to Dustin, become a "cult" member. The cult thing is a joke amongst the fans of Shin Megami Tensei because he uses a small company to produce his games, thus a limited number of copies are made and released, which means you have to be a fan to know about this guy. His games, though not too terribly difficult to find (with the exception of Nocturne) are usually very expensive for Playstation 2 games. To give you an idea, most PS2 games cost about $30 on average. His games run about $70 on average. There are a few games that you can get cheap from stores that resell games, but, as I've seen for myself, the game could be there one day and the next it won't. His games are absolutely amazing, which is why they go so fast. I now own all but two of his PS2 games and am very proud of it.

I recieved the book Marley & Me by John Grogan for Christmas this evening (Josh's family celebrated today instead of tomorrow) and have read two chapters. Already I can tell that this book is excellent. I was laughing out loud on the first page! I can also tell that I am going to bawl my eyes out at the end. It seems like one of those books. I got a super-cool copy that has pictures from the actual family (as opposed to the movie family) placed throughout the book so that you can see how things really were as you read through the story. It's amazing!

I need to go eat dinner. Sorry about the long period of silence. I don't want to say that I'll try to post more often, because every time I do, I end up jinxing myself, so I won't. You all have a very merry Christmas and have a happy New Year!

Birthday Weekend

This weekend was amazing! It was the best birthday I've ever had. I celebrated on Saturday (my birthday was Wednesday), both in the afternoon and the evening. I had a party planned for 9:30 pm at Main Event and invited all of my friends to go. A couple of coworkers couldn't make it but really wanted to celebrate with me, so they formulated lunch plans for after work Saturday afternoon. We went to Razzoo's and I had alligator tail for the first time ever...it was delicious! After lunch, Josh and I went to his house to relax. I took a nap because I was exhausted from work (VERY long shift).

Lyn-Z, Josh's sister, had a choir dinner called "Madrigal Feaste" at 7:00. We went last year, too, and it was awesome! The choir decorated the cafeteria to look like a castle and they performed madrigal music (all accapella), served us dinner, and performed a skit throughout the meal. Sometime I am amazed at the talent that I see in highschool. A lot of those kids are extremely talented in many ways; the "king" not only acted, but sang a solo, and he played the violin for a song; all of which were very well done...amazing.

After the Madrigal Feaste, Josh and I headed over to Main Event for my party. We bowled (I barely broke 50 points - yeesh), played arcade games, and played a round of laser tag, after which a few of us went back to my house to continue the party. At my house we talked for a good two hours before playing Guitar Hero. The last guests left at 4:00 am. It was a blast!

Best birthday ever...

Now I get to look forward to Thanksgiving; quite possibly my most favorite holiday. I have Wednesday through Sunday off of work and I plan on thoroughly enjoying my break. I can't wait to see the extended Gunter family, as well as my grandmother on Thursday. I love my grandmother so incredibly much. She's the strongest, most interesting woman I know. She's just plain fascinating.

Day #11

Today what makes me thankful is... I have a church filled with wonderful people that will support me and fellowship with me.

Today what makes me happy is... seeing my wonderful fiance before he goes back to school.

Today what makes me free is... being able to belt out songs in church and feel a closeness to God that can't be felt any other way.

Super-special-awesome-day

Day #10

Today what makes me thankful is... that I don't have to work in reception every day of the week.

Today what makes me happy is... spending time with my bestest guy friend, Dustin!

Today what makes me free is... not being at work.

Sorry, folks. I have been so very busy with work. Working 7:30-6 Tuesday through Friday is bad enough, but add on two Mondays in a row and an extra Saturday shift; that makes for one tired puppy!

I am so very excited about my birthday next week. My birthday is on Wednesday, but I'm having a party on the 22nd and a lot of my friends are going to be there...I'm so pumped!!! Tee hee!

Well, I'm at Dustin's and he's making fun of everything I'm typing, so I'm going to go now. I will try to write more often, I promise. Have a great weekend, everybody!!!

Working

I am working a lot. I mean a LOT. The office hours have changed so that we close at 6:00 every night, but that has caused everyone's hours to change as well. I now work from 7:30am to 6:00pm Tuesday through Friday. The good thing is that I only have to work one Saturday this month, but it's still a lot of work. I considered putting a tent in the parking lot and staying there during the week. It's very stressful to work there right now, but I'm sure things will settle down after a while.

I'm still thinking about taking on a second job so that I'll have the insurance for after I'm married. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.

Josh didn't do so great (from his perfectionist point of view) on his GRE and he has been bummed out all day. The worst part is, there's nothing I can do to make him feel better, and I'm stuck all the way up here while he's in Austin. I know that even if I was there I wouldn't be able to comfort him much, but it's an instinct that I can't ignore. I'm a nurturer; at least I can admit it.

I really miss Kim.

I need to have coffee with Lori.

I need more female friends.

Day #9

Today what makes me thankful is... having coworkers that enjoy talking with me and sharing their lives with me.

Today what makes me happy is... having dinner with my bestest friend in the whole wide world!

Today what makes me free is... I'm almost 22 years old and my parents trust me.

Just Today

Day #8

Today what makes me thankful is... that I have the right to speak out to the nation, even if it's only through a ballot.

Today what makes me happy is... my Dad went to yoga class with Mom, John, and I. It was so cool doing yoga with him next to me.

Today what makes me free is... Yoga. It is a great mental and physical exercise. I really enjoy doing something only for me that is also good for me.

Diagnosis Unknown

If you read my previous blog, you know that I stayed home sick Tuesday afternoon. I woke up this morning with my sore throat feeling much worse than the previous day. I looked at my tonsils in the mirror, and I had a huge pus pocket on my right tonsil. I knew it was strep. The doctor didn't open until 8:00am, so when 8:00 came around, I called and made an appointment. I stayed all morning at work cuddled up in my UT zip front hoodie. It wasn't near warm enough, so when I didn't have any work to do, I cuddled up in the leather desk chair. I tried to stay away from everyone else so that I wouldn't infect them.

Finally, it was time to get off work. I had an hour before my appointment, so I took a cat nap in my car. When I got into the exam room, the nurse took my vitals, then said she'd look at my throat and if it was bad enough, she'd swab it for a strep test. I opened my mouth for her to look; she stepped backwards and made a face as soon as the light hit my tonsils. Then she looked again and said, "I don't even know how you're swallowing!" She brought the swab into the room and proceeded to tell me that I had a HUGE pus pocket on my right tonsil. She asked if I could eat, which I said I could. (Once I start eating, the food kind of scratches the tonsils in a good way and they don't hurt, so eating was a freedom for me, though I couldn't do it often because I'm constantly nauseous.)

The doctor came in and told me that the strep test came back negative, but when she looked at my throat she said that she thought what I have is strep. She took another swab (OUCH!!!) and said that she'd get the results from the bacterial culture she just took in three days. She said that she also thought that I might have mono. The second time a doctor thought that in two months. She said that the mono test will not show positive, even if you have mono, until you're sick for a while. She told me that if I'm not completely better in seven days, I should come back in and she'll run a mono test.

In three days (Monday is my guess, which would make it five days), I find out if the bacterial culture comes out positive for strep. In seven days, I could be diagnosed with mono. Insert expletive here.

The worst part is, my fiance is coming in town this weekend, and I cannot kiss him. The man I love with all my heart, whom I haven't seen in three weeks, I cannot kiss. Well, let me be honest. The doctor said that I can kiss him on the cheek, as long as he washes his cheek immediately afterwards. Grr. I feel like my weekend is ruined.

Friday night is Josh's cul-de-sac's Halloween party, which I will still go to, but will keep my distance. Saturday I work from 7:30-12 (possibly 2 thanks to our new hours, which is fine), then Josh and I have a hair appointment at 2:30. Saturday evening and Sunday are both free, which is a good thing because I'll be running way too much this weekend. I still feel bad about being sick, but Josh says it's not my fault so I shouldn't worry about it. I'm sure he'll still make a great weekend out of it...he usually does.

So when I'm still at the doctor's office, the doctor tells me to stay home from work tomorrow and rest. Insert another expletive here. This will make day number six of sick days, if my memory serves me, and we're only allowed three sick days in a 365 day period. I don't think that's reasonable, but that's my opinion. Anyhoo, I make sure to take my doctor's note back to work and set it on my boss's desk. I called her, at the advice from another coworker, and tell her the story. Her response was a sigh and a pause. She then said, "You need to watch your hours because you're dangerously close to losing your full-time status." She then complained because there weren't many people who are willing to cover for me, but that she would make it work. Then she hung up. Gee, boss, thanks for caring about my health.

I have resolved that if I do have mono, I will ask her if she is going to fire me or if I should just quit. The reason I will ask her this is because I very seriously doubt that she would put up with me not being able to work for that long of a time. With mono, there is a two week minimum period where you literally sleep for 20 hours out of the day. This means missing two weeks of work, minimum. I REALLY hope that I don't have mono because it would financially destroy me. With all of the bills I have to pay, I need the paycheck that I'm getting. Anyway, another rant for another day.

I'm going to go eat some dinner and sleep some more. I will definitely keep you updated.

Delayed

Sorry about the delay. I feel like I haven't written in forever! I was super busy this weekend; I was house/pet sitting and did not take my laptop with me, which is the main reason why I didn't post.

I was sick today. I felt pretty crappy yesterday. I called in sick, slept in until about 10:30 and stayed in bed most of the day. I went to the college Halloween party because I was feeling better. I went to work this morning and got worse throughout the day. The weird thing is, even though I'm nauseated, I still get hungry and can eat like normal. I have a splitting headache and my tonsils are swollen and red, but don't have the white spots/stripes that are typical with strep throat. I'm pretty sure I have/had a fever, but I'm not sure what illness I have. It pretty much stinks.

I was ECSTATIC when I got to the Turner's house last night and saw Kim's car in the driveway. I have missed her SO much and it was absolutely wonderful to see her again. We didn't get to talk much, but I really enjoyed seeing her and Jess again. I don't think she has any idea how much I've been missing her. Don't get me wrong, Kelly is great, but I have a special bond with Kim; she's like my adult best friend. I really, really enjoyed seeing her again, even for the short time I had.

I got my Mom addicted to yoga! Well, maybe not addicted, but she's getting a membership, too, which means that on weekends, at the very least, we'll be able to go to yoga together!

Random thought of the day: I would love to ride in a hot air balloon someday.

Day #8

Today what makes me thankful is... seeing Kim yesterday.

Today what makes me happy is... I got to talk to Josh a lot today. And I get to see him in three days!

Today what makes me free... being able to be sick in my room and work on getting better.

Just Today

Day #7

Today what makes me thankful is... that I am my own person now. I've grown up and now I don't let people push me around and control me.

Today what makes me happy is... that my coworker, Cindy J., and I get along so well.

Today what makes me free is... yoga. It's an amazing workout both physically and mentally. Sometimes I feel like it's what keeps me going during the week.

I'm so... blah... ugh... sigh... And I don't like it.

So Random

Day #6

Today what makes me thankful: I have a wonderful fiance who love me, tells me I'm beautiful, who is sweet, and who is a gentleman through and through.

Today what makes me happy is: spontaneous trips to Starbucks with friends just to hang out.

Today what makes me free is: God's grace, love, and forgiveness; even with the little things.

Today was a long day. I was at work at 7:30, worked 'til noon, then went to the staff meeting. :( I went to Starbucks to chill before I had to be back at work by 4.

I am exhausted. I need a vacation. To omuch is going on in my life right now. It's so heavy that I can't even sleep.

Random thought: the scratching of a pen on paper is quite soothing.

I think I'm turning into a mental case.

I miss Joshua terribly.

A Depressed Day

I was depressed again today. I don't know why, but I was. This has happened three days in the past two weeks. Doesn't sound too serious, perhaps, but I'm not usually this depressed ever. Hmm...

Day #5

Today what makes me thankful is...that I can go to a Bible study without fear of being arrested, tortured, or killed.

Today what makes me happy is... I got a lot done on my Halloween costume today and it is almost finished!

Today what makes me free is... the soldiers in foreign lands who daily offer their lives so that we can have ours. God bless you, Dr. Roberts, and may He keep you safe and well. We'll miss you.

Please pray that my mysterious depression will go away.

Late Post

Day #4

Today what makes me thankful is... that it's really easy to make up with Josh.

Today what makes me happy is... my favorite football team is undefeated this season (Hook 'em horns!!!)

Today what makes me free is... not having to work on Saturday.

Not A Great Day

Day #3
Today I am thankful for... friends to comfort me when things aren't going so well.

Today what makes me happy is... having co-workers that care.

Today what makes me free is... distance is sometimes a good thing.

I've had a rough afternoon today. I don't think going into details would be acceptable on this world-wide visiting place. I've been having a lot of emotions this week and I don't like it. *shrug* I am a female.

Dinner's ready, so I need to go. Later!

Mid October Feels Colder Outside

Per my good friend, I should write daily for three months. What I should write each day is 1) what I am thankful for, 2) what makes me happy, and 3) what makes me free. Since I am horrible about writing daily, I have a compromise. Mutating Missionary, is it ok with you (or rather, will your idea still work) if instead of writing daily for three months if I write as close to daily as possible for 90 days? I will keep close track of them, I promise.

Assuming MM agrees, here's day #2.

Day #2:
Today I am thankful for... a job that I get paid to do and enjoy doing.

Today what makes me happy is... knowing that I have adult friends who treat me like a young adult, and don't mind taking time out of their busy day to have coffee with me.

Today what makes me free is... I'm still feeling pretty free from yoga yesterday.

I'm getting a bit upset by a couple of people at work. I'm trying not to let their moods affect me, but it's difficult, for reasons that I'd rather not get into for their privacy, and I'm not too great yet at making myself happy out of nowhere. I'm trying to focus on the positive when they start getting to me...that's the best thing I can think to do.

That's just a small blurb, but I'm hungry and my parent's minichurch finally left, so I can go get dinner now. :D

Have an awesome day tomorrow!

A "Blah" Day

Today was not that great of a day and I'm not sure why. I guess it was just one of "those" days. It was just blah.

Ok...here goes my attempt at Mutating Missionary's idea.
Today I am thankful for... a fiance who loves me and cares for me.

Today what makes me happy is... remembering the wonderful weekend I had with Josh and his family.

Today what makes me free (I'm not sure what you mean by this...please explain?) is... God's grace. Plain and simple.

I Googled (yeah, it's a verb now) "blah" and this is what I found...


Ironically, the page it was on was from a person who Googled "blah" and found this picture. Weird, huh?

Not Much To Say

I'm still here - I don't have much time to write these days. I need to have coffee with several of you...this will be arranged soon.

As for you, my Mutating Missionary, I think you're asking if I write daily, which I don't. I probably should, but I don't. I can write things I'm thankful for, that's not a problem. I can try writing daily, though it will be difficult seeing as I'm always running somewhere.

I'm a bit frustrated right now, so I'm going to relax and calm down.

Unsure

That's how I'm feeling right now. Unsure. Ashamedly much so, in fact. The last couple of weeks at church, whenever eternity comes to mind, I get scared. Sometimes I'll be daydreaming about my future either at work or while driving, and I'll think of when I'm old. My body will not be able to do things that it did before; simple things like standing erect or walking. Then I think about myself on my deathbed. What will it feel like to die? Will I simply fall asleep and a second later I wake in heaven? Or will I almost watch myself die, watch my body die, while my conscience stays alert and then I take myself to heaven? Or will it be like fainting; I just lose consciousness altogether before I even know what happened? I believe in heaven and hell, I believe there's a second, eternal life. But the transition scares me. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I will be alone for the briefest second. I don't know if it's because Josh may or may not be there to hold my hand through it. I'm pretty sure it's not doubt, though it very well could be. I don't know if it's a trust issue.

I do have a trust issue. Trusting God with everything. Giving Him my life, my love, my concerns, my dreams, my everything. I know He's there, I know He'll take care of me, but I can't do it fully. How is it that I can trust a broken, fragile, worthless jar of clay with everything but I can not trust the One who made me, the One who loves me the most, the One who knows me more than I do? I shouldn't be going through this. I grew up in Crossroads, I grew up reading the Bible, I grew up in a christian family, I grew up knowing what's right and wrong, I grew up knowing what I believe. I should not be having these issues.

But ever since high school something went wrong. My junior year, things started feeling different. I still prayed and read the Bible, but something felt wrong. I spoke with my Bible study leaders, asking them what was wrong with me; the things I was feeling and thinking weren't right. I felt stagnant, like I was walking backwards, facing God, reaching for Him, trying to walk forward, but my feet kept moving the wrong way. I asked the strongest christians that I knew for help and advice. I got nothing. Nothing I didn't already know. They said to read the Bible, that even if I didn't feel like doing it, I should anyway, and the desire would come. It never did. I prayed earnestly and desperately to have a desire. To want to be in love with God, to love Him the way I love Josh - only more. It never came.

Now I'm stuck. I feel like I am the furthest from God that I have ever been. I feel like a bad child. I feel like the kid who only obeys sometimes, the kid who does what she wants to instead of what she knows she should do. I feel guilty that I haven't trusted Him with everything. I feel bad because I know so much, but I'm not living what I believe, what I know to be true. I don't know how.

I'm scared. I want my children to grow up knowing God and loving Him and trusting Him. I'm afraid that my husband and I will end up like his parents. Dad goes to church, then goes home. Mom goes to church, teaches Sunday school, then goes home. That's it. No serving, no Bible studies, no minichurch. I'm not downing on them or saying they're not spiritual enough or any of that garbage. I feel like that would be not enough for me. I want to stay active and serve and attend Bible studies. But I can't figure out why. I want to do all these great things, something makes me desire them, but if I'm not doing them for God, why do I want to do them? Not doing them only makes me feel even guiltier, but doing them for the wrong reasons isn't any better.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Something's wrong with my brain. I don't know what it is. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know why I can't do it. This has been on my mind for a long time and I don't know what to do with it, how to handle it, how to deal with it, how to fix it, how to make it go away. I'm stuck and I'm unsure of what my next move is. It's way too easy to keep going through life doing what I want.

Getting Better

Well, it's now October. Time flies when your mind is occupied, that's for sure.

My tummy troubles are (hopefully) almost over. The medicine the doctor put me on, after telling me that my infection almost put me in the hospital, makes me nauseated all the time, which in turn makes it difficult to find an appetite. I'm feeling a little bit better every day. Reduced nausea, increase in appetite, and less fatigue are the symptoms of my struggle to heal. I'm so tired of being sick it's not even funny.

Work is going well. I am almost finished with my Inpatient VA training, and am already finished with the corresponding videos. I'm well on my way to accomplishing my goal of having my OPN training finished by the end of December. After the IVA training, I start working on the OPN stuff...I'm almost there!

I got to see Josh about 3 weeks ago. I drove down to Georgetown and we stayed with his grandparents as usual. We played Canasta and ate and ate and ate. Nana doesn't let us go hungry or go without dessert. I had so much fun and it was so great to see Josh again. Sometimes the phone just doesn't cut it, you know? He's coming in town next weekend to celebrate his father's and uncle's birthdays with the family, so I'll get to see him and his family then.

Wedding plans are going well. There's not much to do right now - I have all the big stuff done already. I'm doing some preliminary invitation and registry pondering, 'cause it's all I have to do.

I'm REALLY hungry, so I'm going to fetch some dinner. I'll talk to you all later. Have a great weekend!