For You, Deutsch Learners

This post is for those of you out there who have ever attempted to learn German, especially you, Robyn. Josh sent this to me and I thought I would share some of the highlights. It is Appendix D from Mark Twain's book, A Tramp Abroad, published in 1880. I think it is utterly hilarious. Some are too long to share so I have only included the short ones. If you would like the whole document, just let me know and I can e-mail it to you. Enjoy!

"...and when at last he thinks he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over the page and reads, 'Let the pupil make careful note of the following exceptions.' He runs his eye down and finds that there are more exceptions to the rule than instances of it."

"German names almost always do mean something, and this helps to deceive the student. I translated a passage one day, which said that 'the infuriated tigress broke loose and utterly ate up the unfortunate fir forest' (Tannenwald). When I was girding up my loins to doubt this, I found out that Tannenwald in this case was a man's name."

"Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by heart. There is no other way. ... See how it looks in print -- I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books:
Gretchen: Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
Wilhelm: She has gone to the kitchen.
Gretchen: Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?
Wilhelm: It has gone to the opera."

"And observe the strongest of the several German equivalents for explosion -- Ausbruch. Our word Toothbrush is more powerful than that."

"I would do away with those great long compounded words; or require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for refreshments."

"If it [the German language] is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it."

"A German speaks of an Englishman as the Engländer; to change the sex, he adds inn, and that stands for Englishwoman -- Engländerinn. That seems descriptive enough, but still it is not exact enough for a German; so he precedes the word with that article which indicates that the creature to follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: 'die Engländerinn,' -- which means 'the she-Englishwoman.'"

"In the hospital yesterday, a word of thirteen syllables was successfully removed from a patient -- a North German from near Hamburg; but as most unfortunately the surgeons had opened him in the wrong place, under the impression that he contained a panorama, he died. The sad event has cast a gloom over the whole community."

Here are some of the extremely long words he hated so much:

• Freundschaftsbezeigungen
• Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten
• Stadtverordnetenversammlungen
• Generalstaatsverordentenversammlungen
• Alterhumswissenschaften
• Kinderbewahrungsanstalten
• Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen
• Wiedererstellungbestrebungen
• Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen

And last, but not least:

• Freundschaftsbezeigungenstadtverordnetenversammlungenfamilieneigenthümlichkeiten

Though most of what Herr Twain wrote was negative, he does have a few points that are positive, but they aren't very funny. And, though most of this is negative, it only fuels the fire that I have to learn German. I am excited about the challenge of mastering the language, as much as a foreigner can, anyway. I cannot wait to start taking my official German classes!