Frustrating

So I can now officially pencil in July 17th as the date of our wedding. That's the most solid thing I have planned so far. I've been doing a lot of thinking, discussing, and crying, and that's all I have to show for it so far.

This wedding planning thing is frustrating, only because of the money. Once again, money is controlling my life. I'm frustrated mostly at my parents (when I say parents, I mean my mother, since she's the one doing all the talking). I'm frustrated because when Josh asked for their blessing, my mom asked how much time he thought they had. He told them summer 2009 is what he was shooting for as far as a wedding date went. Mom said, "Ok, then we have some time to save." Do you know how much they've saved for the wedding in three months? NOT A PENNY. To be honest, it hurts. Bad. The one thing they can do for me is to give me a decent, not cheap looking wedding. Do they even care? Probably, but they suck at showing it. It feels as if they don't love me enough to save. I know they love me because that's what parents do. I don't feel like they love me, not because they don't have money for me to get married with, but because the only time I hear "I love you" is when there's a chance that I could die, such as driving to Austin and back.

My mom tells me that she doesn't have a budget planned out because she doesn't know how much wedding stuff costs. I start to tell her, and she tells me that she can't afford it. I never said she could, or that she had to, I was just answering her question.

Also, Josh wants to help out, but I don't want my parents to get offended. I have an idea that might work, but Josh says that I should wait a little while before I ask my parents what they think about it. My idea is that since Josh wants to get married somewhere other than Crossroads, and since that will cost more money, that Josh will pick the place and he can pay for it. That way, he'll get to help, and my parents will have more money in the budget for things like a photographer and my killer dress.

That's another thing. I want a killer dress. I want everyone to gasp when they see me. I want my fiance's jaw to hit the floor when I walk down the aisle. I'm not going to lie...I want all the guys in the room to be jealous of Josh. I don't want to spend a fortune on it, but I don't want to have to limit myself to the clearance section of every bridal shop.

I'm cutting corners in little ways to help the overall cost. Josh doesn't want a grooms cake. I'm going to use all of the bouquets for centerpieces at the reception. I'm having simple, yet elegant bouquets with six or seven flowers total in the bouquet. Any candles that are on stage will also be used in the reception area. The wedding is at 2:00 in the afternoon to avoid mealtime. I plan on buying meat, cheese, vegetable, and fruit trays for the hor o'deurves (or however you spell it). I plan on making the punch. I'm going to make my own wedding invitations. I'm even contemplating purchasing the flowers as flowers and making the corsages and boutonnières and bouquets with Christina. Josh and I decided that we would be old fashioned and give ourselves (all of ourselves, if you know what I mean) to each other for our wedding gift. I'm sure I'll develop more ways to cut corners here and there, but I won't do anything in such a way as to make the wedding look cheap.

That is what is most important to both Josh and I. We don't want the wedding to look cheap. We don't want people walking in and thinking to themselves, "Wow, this is a cheap wedding," or, "Yep. This is a Hawkins' wedding." I want people to see elegance and romance. I want, at the end of the day, people to say to themselves, "That was a beautiful wedding," and, "I saw both of the couple's personalities in the wedding," and, "That wedding really fit the two of them."

I can't please both my mother and Josh at the same time. My mother says that she doesn't care, but it's a lie. Usually when she says that, it's to invoke a guilt trip and make me do what she wants. For instance, my brothers are going to be ushers in the wedding. I told Josh that his groomsmen were his choice and that if he had a spot open and he couldn't find anyone to fill it, if he would ask John to fill the spot. John means a lot to me and I want to give him the best position I can, which is usher. Mom said that if Josh's brother (age 12) gets to be a groomsman than my brothers should be in an equal position. I told her what I told Josh and that I didn't feel that I was wrong in handling the situation. She said that she wasn't going to say that she was unhappy if my brothers weren't in the wedding, but that she would have a problem with that fact. I told her that being an usher was being in the wedding, as much as possible, anyway. I asked John how he felt; I asked him if he wanted to be a groomsman. His answer was, "Not really. I was a groomsman once and I nearly passed out. I don't want to risk taking the attention off of you because I have to sit down so I won't pass out." I asked him if he minded being an usher and he said, "Not at all. That way I'm still part of your wedding and doing something useful without risking anything." John said he talked with mom about it, but she still looks at me funny if the topic comes up.

I'm trying to plan as much of my wedding now so that I won't have to worry about anything when it gets closer to the wedding. We'll see how that works out.

I'm still praying about the Russia trip. I hope God tells me what I need to do quickly. Tom is starting to get on my nerves.