An Ego Boost

For English class we were given an assignment. We had to mimic either Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" or Alexander Pope's "The Rape of the Lock." I chose to mimic Jonathan Swift, simply because I couldn't figure out for the life of me what Pope was saying. I only knew what his piece was about because Mrs. Souder had told us. Anyhoo, I've been rushed with homework all week this week, so any assignment that was due on one day was completed the night before. I started thinking of my ideas at work when I was bored (which is a lot) and ran through most of the paper in my head. I got home, typed in up in only a couple of hours, and sent it in, just 30 minutes before the due time. I hate having to do that, but when it's necessary, it must be done. Anyway, Mrs. Souder liked it so much that she read it in front of the class as an example. She told the class that it was the closest possible thing to actually being the real work and that I displayed all of the elements of satire perfectly. Of course, my ego was swelling with every word. Here's the piece if you should like to read it, that and I'd like to show off a little bit. It's not every day that I come up with something like this. It also gets some frustrations with work made a little more inconspicuously public.

A Simple Proposition

By Julie Hawkins

Inspired by “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift

A cure for the disease which plagues the majority of those who work for a living, also promoting a healthy working environment to benefit the health of those involved.

It is sad to say that when the people on the streets of America are questioned, the majority of them respond that no, they aren’t happy with their place of work. They dread going to work in the morning. They almost dread the weekends, knowing that work is just around the corner again. Those who only have one day off are sicker than the others because they have greater exposure to the disease.

There are approximately 297,000,000 people living in the United States of America. Of those, 38,000,000 are over the age of 65 and are either retired or too weak to work. There are 61,000,000 people who are age 14 and under who are legally too young to work, leaving 198,000,000 people who are of age to work. From this number remove the sick, unemployed, and those who enjoy their jobs, which is 57,000,000 and that leaves 141,000,000 people who work for a living and thus are exposed to the disease.

When the workplace is visited, the worker bees work daily with tired eyes, a sore head, and muscle pains from not only working overtime, but also from daily, unavoidable conversations. The worker bees grow physically sick because of stress alone, stress they acquire at their places of work. These are all typical symptoms of the disease that has swept the nation.

The disease is, in short, is insufficient bosses, managers, the higher-ups, the management. They are insufficient, not because their numbers are small, but because they either lack intelligence, friendliness, the ability to lead others in a way that benefits the company as a whole, the ability to do whatever work is needed of him to help the company to prosper financially and to keep those under him as content as possible, and also lacks the ability to limit self desires in order to make the company the smoothest-running and most prosperous company that he can. This is not to say that females are not allowed in management, they can most certainly make excellent leaders and developers of the company as well.

Having spoken with a friend from Ireland, I believe that his ideas combined with my own make for a very well thought-out and decent plan which will eliminate the chances of allowing insufficient people into management. This will make the working environment much more productive and pleasurable for the worker bees simply by reducing the stresses of having to work for a boss who only cares for his wallet, or how good he looks to his own bosses.

My proposition is that there will be a standardized test written, called the Management Qualification Assessment Test, or the MQAT, covering nearly all information that a person in management would ever need to know for any type of situation, no matter how realistic, plausible, or feasible. Before taking this test, the candidates will take a brief informational course on what the test covers, so as to be fair to all who take the test. The candidates may only take the MQAT once every six months at a given location. The score after taking the test will determine the status of that person’s job.

If the candidate makes a score of 50 or lower, they will be pushed down the stairs in front of everyone in the company for even thinking that they were management material. This candidate is then given the option of either staying at the current company at his current position, or he may choose to leave the company to try and make management elsewhere.

If the candidate achieves a score between 50 and 79, this candidate will be allowed the lowest level of management possible. Their poor score will be rewarded with two dollars an hour less than every one of the worker bees below him and he will receive a half-hour lunch break while his workers have one-hour breaks for lunch. If any opportunities to promote managers in his position arise, he will be overlooked and not considered for promotion because he did so poorly on the MQAT.

If the candidate attains a grade between 80 and 94, the candidate will be awarded with the lowest management position, as all managers start at the bottom. However, he will be allowed a one-hour lunch break, just as those below him. He is also guaranteed to make three dollars more per hour than the position directly below him, be they worker bees or another manager. He will be considered for any opportunities of promotion, in which he will be alerted, take the MQAT once more and if his score is acceptable in the same way, he will receive a promotion and a pay raise.

If the candidate accomplishes a grade between 95 and 100, he will be shoved down a flight of stairs in front of all of the company and will be physically picked up and thrown out of the building, no longer having a job there. No one is that close to perfect and any manager with that high of a score will have an ego to go with it and treat his workers in a condescending manner. This behavior is not at all tolerable, hence his being let go from the company.

I have spoken with worker bees themselves about which they would rather have put in place, this proposition, or have the current managers and all after them to be assessed monthly, in the work they complete themselves, in the way they treat those below them, and how they please those above them. If they are disagreeable in one or all of the categories, a suggestion is made for behavioral change, and, if after three months, the same problems arise, a new manager will be trained for his position. Every worker bee chose my proposition, thus proving to me that this proposition will be quite prosperous in the work place and also achieving a more constructive and productive work environment. Fewer sick days will be needed by the worker bees from a less stressful environment, increasing the ability for happiness and production throughout the company. The work put forth by the worker bees and the managers themselves will be whole-hearted and sincere, making the workplace, and weekends, that much more desirable and healthy.

Work has been going relatively well. I've been able to be upstairs instead of downstairs by myself with nothing but the mundane chore of hard drives to do with no one for conversation except for my own mind, which gets a little scary after a while. Jason, Torey's friend and "the new guy," who has been up there for about a month, has created the knickname of "Knob" for Rob. The funniest part about it is that Jason can call him Knob to Rob's face and he still doesn't realize that Jason isn't using his real name. We all think it's hilarious and we know we shouldn't laugh, but it's just so funny.

I'm managing to be polite to him, though I do try to avoid him as much as the others do. He's been better about not looking at my chest ever since I brought it up to him by way of conversation. He had asked me to lunch, "for business reasons" and could only take me by myself (without any other co-workers) because I am female and he doesn't want me to get offended. His words, not mine. I turned him down flat and told him that since he wanted to ask me questions about work, he could write them on a piece of paper, hand it to me, and I would turn it in to him the following morning. I have not yet seen a piece of paper with questions on it.

Anyhoo, he had brought up that he had taken everyone out to lunch except for me "because you're afraid" and Jeff and Chuck. At first I said that I wasn't afraid, but then I changed my answer and said that I was. He responded with, "Oh no! He's going to hit on me!" in a mock voice. I told him that that's wasn't what I was afraid of, that I was used to him doing that all the time. He doubted, so I did nothing but look at his chest and say that he had never ever spoken to me the way I was speaking to him, looking at his chest the whole time, only flicking my eyes up to his face infrequently. He said that if he had done that, it was unintentional, blah, blah, blah. For about a week after that he avoided looking at me if at all possible. It was awesome! He'll actually look at me now when he talks, but he very rarely glances.

School has been going. I've been bombarded with homework for the past week solid. It hasn't been fun. I've been up until midnight every night except for last night. It's quite exhausting.

I got a PS2 and DDR this week. It's so much fun to play. I'm so happy that I can play DDR at my house, just the fact that I can say that I have DDR. I've been wanting to own DDR for about three years. Now I finally have it and it feels great. Now I can work out whenever I want to and get better at DDR! Woohoo!

Have a great night, everyone!

Small Update

I have two new names that Rob gave me. The first is "Juliekins" and the other is "Julieness." His favorite is Julieness, though. It's better than Jill, I suppose. Speaking of work, we've all gotten to the point where we just put up with Rob's stupidity; we've given up hope on him. He's learning, though, which is good. He's getting to the point that my mom was at: Ed says this, reality is that, he's stuck in the middle. He's not sure what to do. Sometimes he follows Ed, sometimes he doesn't. He has made some good changes since he's been here, so that's good.

Lara and I are going to work out on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, that should be fun and productive for both of us. We're doing good on getting furniture already...Lara's friends have donated a twin bed with mattress and box springs included, a couch, a coffee table, an end table, and a desk. On top of the furniture that I'll be bringing from the house, we'll only have to buy a dining table and chairs! God works when you least expect Him to.

It's still sad coming home to only one puppy face. I miss Sandy, though I'm glad that he's not suffering anymore. I'm sure his mouth hurt him bad. I often times wished there were something I could do for him, but there wasn't anything. My poor puppy. I miss him.

I went to Barnes and Noble after work to buy some things for school and I realized that I had to pull myself out of the store. I could spend hours in there looking at all sorts of different books. I never realized that I enjoyed that store as thouroughly as I do...interesting. *shrug* You like what you like, right?

My schedule is quite busy and I haven't been sleeping well lately, regardless of the number of hours I allow myself. I'm not sure why I can't sleep well, I've done everything I can to make myself comfortable. Maybe I should physically wear myself out before I go to bed. How? Besides playing DDR (which I don't have yet), I can't think of anything. Any ideas on how to sleep better?

Speaking of sleeping, I need to do some. I have a lab quiz tomorrow - yuck. Sleep well, you guys! Gute nacht!

A Tribute to Sandy

At 6:15 this morning my mother woke me up. She said, "I know it's kind of early, but...Sandy's dead." When my Dad found him with his head resting on William's shirt in the floor of the laundry room, he was already stiff. He died in his sleep, the best way to go. My educated guess is that he died because his teeth were so bad (we couldn't afford to get them cleaned) and all the bacteria from his mouth got into his blood stream and rotted his organs; mainy the liver and kidneys are affected.

I found out this afternoon that he didn't eat his food yesterday morning. My Dad put Sandy's soft food in his bowl for him and he sat pretty for it (that's what we called it when he sat up straight and tall), but he didn't eat it. He just looked at it. My opinion is that he knew he was going to die.

It's still so surreal. I got home from my friend's house and he wasn't there at the door. I realized that I would never see him again. I would never pet him, hug him, be hugged by him (he'd wrap his paw around your leg), I would never be able to tell him to go away because his breath smelled bad, I would never be comforted by him ever again. He was eight years old.

This is my tribute to a great dog and a wonderful companion.

Goodbye, Sandy-Dog. We'll miss you.

Great News

I have some absolutely wonderful news, everyone! I just found out this afternoon that everyone at work gets a three day weekend!!! This is truly "the greatest thing since running water" as my math teacher, Dr. Kern, said this morning. I am so pumped...I get to spend the whole weekend with Josh!

Speaking of Dr. Kern, she is the funniest math teacher ever. She's what some would consider mean, in that the remarks she makes could be taken as cutting by themselves, but the way she says them is not at all offensive. She always has un upbeat tone of voice and she says cool a lot. She's an older lady, probably in her late 40's or in her 50's and she reminds me a lot of Aunt Mary, my mom's aunt. She's a sweet lady, she really is.

Here's my schedule of classes, for those of you that would like to know:

Montag, Mittwoch, und Freitag (MWF):
900-950: American National Government with Mrs. Hooper
1000-1050: General Biology with Mrs. Decker
1100-1320: General Biology Lab with Mrs. Gay (Wednesdays only)

Dienstag und Donnerstag (TR):
800-920: World Literature Two with Mrs. Souder
930-1050: Intermediate Algebra with Mrs. Dr. Kern

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are my least favorite days, but the classes are shorter and it's only for a couple of months. If I was thinking, I could have taken government and biology during the summer and get it over with. Or "Rip it like a band-aid" as Donna (Souder) was saying this morning.

Things at work are going ok. We're all getting used to Rob's idiocy, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. We're learning to cope, but it's going to take a while before we get used to him and can cope with him more easily. The revolt last Saturday worked; no one showed up for work and Ed and Rob were dumbfounded. They didn't do much of anything because they didn't know how to. It was great.

I've got a lot of reading to do before Tuesday, but I want to get it done now so I don't have to worry about it over the weekend. Josh is coming in town, plus with a three day weekend, I'll get to sleep in! Talk to you all later. Bis später, meinen freunden!

Part 2

I know what I worte before sounds ridiculous. I don't know why such a tiny thing set me over the edge. I've been trying not to let it ruin my day, but apparently it's stonger than my will is. It bothers me that I'm bothered by such a small thing. He didn't know that I drew those, he didn't know they contained such sentiment to me. But then I think, why am I defending this loser?

Today Ed and Rob brought up two pallets of flattened cardboard boxes. Each pallet (and contents) are about waist high. The thing worth mentioning is the two pallets were literally stacked on top of each other. The whole thing in height stood taller than Torey, the tallest man on the Mezzanine. It was close enough to the railing that if it fell the right way, it could have fallen off the Mezzanine and injured not only the workers below, but the computers as well. It was definitely NOT worksite safety. Two of the guys unloaded the top pallet and un-stacked them, so everything's fine now. If I can get the picture from my phone onto here, I'll post it for you. Break's over, gotta go.

Rob

I've finally broken. The soft exterior covering the true hard feelings beneath has been worn down. I could handle his annoying, cheesy little sayings and his constant conversations with my chest, or the fact that he's a mini Ed, he doesn't sweat details, and he has no idea what he's doing. He "cleaned up" his little work area. He destroyed all the fun things we had up there. We stuck little rubber feet on the edges of the monitor to make it look like a face, we had different sticky feet on the edge of the printer, all to make the work place a little more fun in Green Light times (where we're in a rush and the environment gets extremely stressful). He wadded up and threw away the post-it-note pictures I had drawn and my Mom kept up there when I was going to throw them away. I got them out of the trash can as soon as I knew they were in there. The hardest one to recover from the wad of post-its and tape was my Mom's favorite one, the one depicting a family/work joke. I don't know why, but it brought me to tears. I've had it with this guy. We all want him gone. We all want Carol back.

200th Post

Well, folks, this is my two-hundredth post here on Guin's Mind. Thanks for sticking with me.

Since my last post a lot has gone on in my life. First of all, there's a new work situation. The night I returned from vacation, Josh took me home and stayed to talk with my parents and brothers (and to play with the dogs and Sarah). I had text messaged my Mom that morning saying that I was very tired and that I didn't know if I'd be at work the next morning (this was a Thursday) and the only response I got from her was, "We'll talk when you get home." It sounded troubling, but I thought either she was in a bad mood or there was something I needed to know, but I knew I'd find out which was the answer when I got home.

Anyhoo, Josh and I are sitting in the living room and Mom is telling me about the situation that had risen the past Monday. Mom's boss, Ed, came to her that Monday and asked her to come to his office. There, he told my Mom that she wasn't working on the Mezzanine anymore, that she'd be working with Richard on deliveries (he's the boss-guy for all the computer deliveries to schools). The next day, the new guy started upstairs.

I found out that this guy used to work for the cable company (not sure what position, but it wasn't management) and he is a Sergeant in the army. Basically, this guy had no idea what he was doing up there and he's supposed to be in charge of about six people. Ed fired my Mom because he made outrageous promises to the owner of the company and his two vice-presidents and ended up not meeting them over and over again. The three aforementioned importants started complaining to him that he wasn't meeting what he promised. Therefore, he blamed everything on my Mom by saying that she wasn't working the crew hard enough to produce his outrageous promises. He also didn't like the fact that she thought logically and would tell him when he was telling her to do something that wasn't productive. So he fired her and hired someone who has no idea what to do.

Everyone I talked to about the new boss, Rob, thought he was an idiot and hated him. All of us wanted him to go back where he came from and most of us wished Mom back in position. Prediction number one: met as expected. At first he had this arrogant air about him; he obviously thought he was hot stuff. After a couple of days, (he'd been there for a full week before I started back after vacation) he'd seemed to lose his arrogancy for the most part, and was more open to observation. At the end of the third day, he came up to me and told me that since my Mom had made things to run smoothly and since everyone already knew how things worked except for him, that we should just keep working like we were and he'll pretty much keep things the same, only making a few minor changes here and there.

A few things bother me about him. He won't stop calling me Jill. He never calls me that to my face, but whenever referencing me to other people, he calls me Jill. I've overheard him doing it three times. It's even funnier because he came upstairs and screamed, "JULIE ANN!" I figured he had just come from talking to Ed because he only knew our names if he talked to Ed, he'd never ask us what our name was. Anyhoo, after he screamed my name, he told me that his eaughter's name is Julie Ann and then whipped out a picture of her. He still calls me Jill.

Another thing that bothers me is when you have a conversation with the guy, you almost always hear something that you never needed to hear. Too much information doesn't exist for this guy. He doesn't hold back. It's gross.

He's not the best flatterer either. When he first met Seanathan (who is a bit overweight) he told him to get a haircut and to lose 50 pounds. You don't say that to someone you know, much less a complete stranger, that's just rude.

*sigh* Anyways, I'm in Austin right now visiting Josh's grandparents with his family. Nana's birthday is on Monday. We drove down this morning and made pretty good time. Josh's Aunt Kim came, too. Uncle Kyle stayed with the dog and had work to do. Josh's cousin Jeff is a doctor in an emergency room and had a shift tonight. Small party, but we all had fun and got to see Josh's pictures from Germany (which makes me sad that I can't go for a while) and Austin, Josh, and I took turns playing DDR.

Lara and I will be hitting the books again in October to see what finances will be like then to further develop the apartment situation. She just got a new job which will put her at the same income as me, so that's fantastic. We should move in sometime in January. We're going to go ahead and wait until then to give us time to adjust to our school and work schedules and such things. Besides, you can't go shopping for furniture overnight!

Josh is begging me to play cards with him, so I'd better go. Austin and Lindsey are kicking each other in mock Ninja Turtle fights. It's funny. Bis später!

It's comforting to know that somebody misses you. Thanks, Lori, for making me feel special.

I've found the place I want to live. It's beautiful, well kept, the office staff seem really nice, although from what I've heard they always do before you move in. The apartments themselves are incredible. You walk in and you feel like you're in a tiny house - it doesn't feel like an apartment at all.

Lara and I want to be roommates, but she can't move in until she gets her own affairs sorted out, which probably won't be until January. I was wanting to move out between the end of August to the end of September, somewhere in there. I'm not sure if I should hunt for a different roommate until Lara can move in or if I should just wait to move out. It'd be a lot of money, but I can afford it and I think it would be a very liberating experience. I probably won't be moving out anytime soon - I have to get the whole roommate thing situated, if I want to live in these apartments. I could find something within my price range and live alone, but I think it'd be fun (for now) to have a roommate. Besides, if someone else is living with me, we can get a nicer apartment since we're splitting the bill.

Vacation has been great so far. We're sunburned even though we used sunscreen. We only put it on once yesterday and today we put it on twice and it was cloudy for the last half of the day and we're more sunburned from today than from yesterday. Go figure.

I'm learning how to program right now...gotta run!

Sorry For the Wait

Hey guys. Sorry it's been so long. I haven't had much time recently to get on and blog. At least I know there are four of you out there... :)

Russia was great. I miss it already. We had the debrief two weeks ago. The slideshow that Kelley, Angela, and I made turned out well on the big screen. The movie was killing people of boredom, but that's the only thing that "went wrong" so to speak.

Yes, Lori, you were right. Friday was the big day. Josh came home that afternoon and even though I was forty minutes early, I still missed him walking into the baggage claim. Needless to say, I was extremely upset about that. Dealing with terminal D at DFW is mayhem. Anyhoo, Josh came in and his family and I went out to eat at Love and War in Texas. Really cheesy Texan pride restaurant. I can't say whether I liked it or not because I didn't eat anything. I've never done that before, go to a restaurant and not eat, but I really wasn't hungry. As far as the atmosphere goes, I hated it. I'm not a big fan of the western decor style. Everyone else seemed to like their food, so I'll just take their word for it.

I'm glad Josh is back. Vacation is in five days...yay! Josh is going back to Austin on the 14th to get in a forty hour week at work before school starts. Selfishly, I don't want him to go back so soon since it's been so long since I've seen him, but I understand why he wants to go back, and I'm not going to be a typical girl and whine and complain because he's doing something that I don't like. At least I'll be able to visit him and talk on the phone with him this time!

I went apartment shopping with my Mom this weekend. I found an apartment that both my Mom and I are happy with. She seems excited for me. I'm not sure if I'm going to commit to it or not. I haven't signed a lease for it yet and the floor plan that I want on the floor that I want (second) won't be available until sometime in September. I don't mind because I really don't know if I want to do it or not. The rent is $519 per month plus utilities (we found the cheapest apartment we could without it being crappy) which I can afford, but it is a lot of money every month. I'd live alone; it's a one bedroom apartment. I don't have a problem with living alone, I just don't know if I could handle finding an elecric company and things like that. I like the fact that I'd be living on my own, separate from my family but not so far that I can't visit, I can keep my area clean and it'll stay that way, I can have friends over at any hour for any length of time, but at the same time it's cheaper to live at home, my parents cook most of the time, I'd have my dogs with me (even though Sarah would be coming to the apartment with me), laundry is free, things of that nature. I'll just have to mull it over and pray about it. Maybe it's just cold feet. Maybe I should just wait until UTA to move out. I don't know. We'll see.

I have to go see about lunch plans...maybe pop in a movie. I'll talk to you guys later. Tschüss!

I Have Returned

Got back from Russia last night. It was great.

Not going to Germany at all. I hurt.

I don't feel good right now. Update later.

Tschüss.

Off I Go to the Motherland

Four days 'til Russia!!! I'm so excited! I'm all payed off, I have appropriate clothing, and although the shopping isn't done (I still have snacks and minor things to buy), I'm ready to go. I can't believe I'm going to Russia - this is so exciting!

I'm also going to Germany, just not when I was wanting. I'm going to go the last full week of July, Josh's last week there, then we can fly home together. I'm not sure how it'll work just yet, but I have an idea and hopefully it'll work out. The worst that could happen is we would be on the same carrier, but different planes and we'd only see each other at the layover times. That would suck, but at least we'd get home together. We'll see.

Russia and Germany are about the only things on my mind right now. And work. Until further notice, the entire Mezzanine staff at work is supposed to put in 10 hour workdays and working on Saturdays is a must. I don't mind working that much, I guess. It'll be hard, but the overtime will be killer! It's going to be great when it's over.

That was really all that was on my mind. The past few entries haven't been happy ones, so I figured I could post a happy one. I'll talk to you guys later. Pray for me while I'm in Russia!

Bis später!

Bittersweet News

Russia Trip plans are going well. I only have $365 left to raise, though I have to have it by Monday. I'm really excited about going. It'll be fun, I'll learn a lot, probably grow some, too. You know, usual missions stuff.

I had the opportunity to travel to Germany and visit Josh. I was going to go, I could afford it, my parents were ok with it, everything was great. On the Lufthansa website, the price for flying from Houston to Frankfurt was $526. That's by far the cheapest deal out there. I was all excited to go, plans for sleeping arrangements and everything were made. Then someone read the fine print. It turns out that the $526 was the one-way price based on a round trip ticket. In other words, 526*2+taxes+fees=$1,200-1,300. This was the straw that put Lufthansa on my bad list.

So my dreams of travelling to Germany, getting to visit Josh, all shot to hell because I can't afford a $1,085 ticket (the cheapest one out there) to Frankfurt. As it stands, if I save every penny I make, I can go, but that's waiting until the last minute to purchase the tickets. If there were a way that I could put a deposit on the ticket and then pay the rest later, that'd be nice. However, I doubt that's feasible.

I have to run to work. If any of you read this anymore and have any ideas, please call me and let me know.

Bis später.

What do you do when the one who holds you isn't there to hold you when you need them to?

I left Bible study. I searched for a cat that wasn't to be found. I sat outside, alone, which is what I wanted. I realized that I am helpless. I cannot those I want to help, even myself. The only question that comes to mind is, why? Why did I have to be born to the family that I'm in? Why did my parents have to be stupid with their money when I was a child? Why haven't they been able to get out of the rut that they put themselves in? Why do I have to suffer the consequences of their mistakes both financially and emotionally? Why is it that you can't call a foreign country without costing the one you're calling? Why is it that when you need someone the most, no one comes? Why is it that when you want to be alone everyone comes to check on you? Why do mission trips cost so much? Why can't I afford to be with him in Germany? Why can't I help him even though I try? Why does Germany have to be seven hours ahead? Why do I take everything so seriously like a stupid girl? The only question left is, why does life have to be so hard?, but I'm glad it's hard because if it wasn't, life wouldn't be fun. It would be meaningless. Meaningless. Lifeless. Dead.

What do you do when the one who holds you isn't there to hold you when you need them to?

Mmhmm

I found out two weeks ago that I am going to Tula, Russia with the church. I am so excited to go and learn a new culture, a new people, a new world; it will be unlike anything I've ever seen before. I'm so excited! I have the usual anxiety of a mission trip, raising support, the flights there and back, how well I'll do over there people-wise, things of that nature. I don't really mind being that far from home, that's not an issue for me. We leave June 22 and we'll return July 2. It'll be a great trip, I can feel it. I hope the jet lag doesn't do me too much harm. ;)

I've been talking with Josh on AIM almost everyday. I miss him, but being able to talk to him more often than every three days softens the blow. He's having a great time over there. He's in a dorm room by himself, which I'm sure he's enjoying. He can walk just about everywhere and if he has to go farther away, he can take a bus. That's something he said that he really likes about Germany. I can't wait to visit there whenever I can.

I spent the night at Kelley's house on Saturday night. We watched girly movies and we went to Christina's house and ate spaghetti and watched stupid flash videos and talked about boys and stuff like that. It was a great girl's night. I had so much fun.

Just got off the phone with Josh. He's in a rut. I tried to help. I don't think it worked. In fact, I think I made it worse. I wish I could just talk to him without worrying about how much the call will cost. I want to make him feel better. I won't go into detail, though I wish I could to ask for advice. I wish there were a way for me to take the cost away from his phone and put it on mine. I offered to help pay for the bill, but that's not enough.

Maybe there's some way that after the Russia trip, instead of flying back to the states I could travel to Wurzburg and stay there for a few days and fly home on my own. If only it were possible. Well, it is possible, but I don't think it would be allowed by certain people, namely my parents. I'll investigate and see what it would cost me.

I'd better head off to Bible study. I'm not really in the mood for people right now, but I make myself go anyway. Bis später, meine freunden. Tschüss.

Current Mood and Sidenote

Sidenote: I might go to Russia this summer. If I do, I need all the money before I go. Almost $3,000 before June 22. Pray for me whether or not to go and if I do go, that I can get the money before then.

Current mood:

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.
Chorus

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...
Verse 2

And when the stars are shining brightly
In the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish
Send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy
For all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded
By the comfort and protection of..
The highest power.
In lonely hours.
The tears devour you..
I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...
Bridge

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do...
Chorus

Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden

It's not been a week and I miss him already. What will I do with myself?

The Radio Knows

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Lovesong by the Cure

Happy Birthday

Today I turn 19 and a half. 19 1/2. Crazy. In six months I'll be 20. No longer a teenager. Scary.

Much Needed Update

Well, folks, he's gone. He's already made his change in Toronto from Canadian Air to Lufthansa. He's in the air right now and will land at 12:00 tonight our time, or 7:00 am there. I watched him walk through security at 11:30 this morning. Tears were welling up in my eyes, but I told myself not to cry until I got to the car, so he couldn't see me crying.

I can't wait to see the pictures he'll take and read his e-mails about all the stuff he's doing, all of his classes and trips and things of that nature. I can't wait to hear his voice again. I'd like to say that I already miss him, but I don't know how accurate that would be. I miss him not being twenty minutes from my house. I miss calling him. I miss being able to send him text messages for free.

I'm so unbelievably proud of him. I asked him if he was excited, of course he was. I asked him if he was scared, he was a little. I so badly wanted to go with him, to help him get there, to make sure he was safe. I can't imagine what his mother is going through. Sandy's busy, she's probably not thinking about it too much; I could be wrong.

You should have seen me at lunch today. I ate two chicken enchiladas, half of the rice that came with the dinner, two glasses of water, and scarfed the dessert of cinnamon sopapillas, all in about twenty minutes. It doesn't sound like much, but the dinner was pretty big, plus dessert on top of that; it was a lot of food and I ate it very fast (for me, anyway). Between seven and ten minutes of that time was spent waiting for the dessert to come. Now, when I should be hungry, the thought of food makes me nauseated. I bought a little danish thing from work before I left because I felt hungry. The instant I picked it up out of the vending machine, I knew I couldn't eat it. Usually I'll eat a snack like that on the way home from work. It's sitting on my bedside table, wrapper unopened.

Also I'll start crying randomly, sometimes it's in the split second of time that I thought about work and not Josh. I keep drinking more and more water, as if I'm dehydrated. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Classic signs of Julie in grieving. I'm the only one I know who can actually cry herself to dehydration. It's all been in little spurts throughout the day, but I still manage it somehow.

The past five days have been great though. Saturday I got to hang out with Josh afterall. His mom had been cooking for the past two days for the company that they had the following day. We had dinner at his house and were about to watch a movie, but we went to his friend from high school J.P.'s house and swam and watched family guy since J.P. invited us over.

Sunday Josh's aunt Kim, cousin Eric, Eric's wife Emily, Eric and Emily's baby Maddie, Josh's grandpa Paw, Josh's other grandpa Papaw and Papaw's wife Memaw all came over to celebrate Mother's Day and to have a late celebration for Josh's 19th birthday. My family took my mom out for lunch that day before Josh's family's party. She had a good time and she liked her present.

On Monday Josh's immediate family and I went to Six Flags for the afternoon. It was fun. We didn't ride too many big rides since Austin was recovering from strep and Lindsey doesn't like roller coasters. We still had a good time and got worn out, too. Josh and I watched a movie after we got home.

Tuesday was Josh's and my two year anniversary. Two years. Can you believe it? Josh took me to Stonebriar mall in Frisco where we ate lunch at Chili's, followed by a movie, RV. It was a funny movie, not Robin Williams' best, but it was pretty good. After the movie, Josh took me to the place we were there for in the first place, The Cheesecake Factory. For those of you who don't know, the only reason I turn down cheesecake is if I physically cannot eat it, or if I'll throw up by doing so. In other words, cheesecake is my favorite dessert and Josh taking me there was like heaven. I got the Chocolate Truffle Raspberry Cheesecake. It was rich and to die for. Then he told me that we were going to find me something cute, so we went shopping. We found nothing after searching half of the mall, so he took me to Kohl's. He bought me three shirts, two of which he found for me. Then we went home, ate dinner, and watched a movie.

Yesterday I went shopping with Josh and Sandy (his mom) to get him clothes for Germany and for school in fall. I got my feathers ruffled a little bit by the shopping experience, but overall it was good. We found I think seven pairs of khakis and two shirts that he can layer with each other. Then we went home and unpacked from Austin and packed for Germany. I got Josh's clothes rolled and folded as needed and set everything aside for him to put in his bag while he got his backpack unpacked and packed again. We got him all set and ready to go. He seemed to like the "care package" I made for him. It's a messenger bag with his favorite snack foods, envelopes, pens, paper, a letter from me, money for calling cards, and a couple of pictures of me that he hasn't seen before. He saw that there were not only Reese's Pieces but Sour Skittles as well and he had to kiss me for it. We went to the bookstore and he bought sequels to Ender's Game, his mom bought a cookbook and I bought Memoirs of A Geisha. I'm borrowing Ender's Game from him, so I'll read that first.

You already heard about today, in too much detail, most likely. I hope this grieving thing doesn't last too long. I usually get sick because of it and my boss (the one above my Mom) is already asking me when I can put in forty hour weeks (even though I started that last Wednesday).

I suppose I'll stop talking and let you people get on with your lives. I read something today, it was about finances, but it applies to anything, really. "Don't take the easy road to anything, because everything worth having in life takes a long, hard time to get..." Adreka Majors said that and she's right. I'm finding this to be true. Have fun, kids.

Tschüss.

Current Mood : Hopeless Acceptance

Have you ever known that something was going to happen and you're both happy and sad about it but whenever you think about it all you do is hurt and cry; it's almost a depression of sorts. I'm so happy and so very excited for him. I love him dearly...I guess that's why it hurts so badly. Nine days and counting.

Don't Know What To Think

I just had a spat with Josh over classical music. He says that it cannot convey a message in such a way that every person knows exactly what the composer is talking about, like lyrical music does. I say that the composer has the capability of conveying as much specificity as he likes, such as watching a leaf fall from a tree or a snowflake falling from a window. Josh says that is my interpretation of it and that all the composer can do is convey a general, vague image that some people get and some don't. We had this discussion for over 20 minutes. I got tired of arguing and said to stop talking about it. He kept going. I told him I'd hang up if he didn't stop talking about it. He told me I wouldn't hang up. He kept going. So I hung up. Now I feel horrible. I don't hang up on people for any little thing. But when I say what I did in my head, "You hung up with him over a disagreement in music," all I can do is cry. I know I'm passionate about music and I can't stand people ragging on things that I love and that I'm passionate about, but following through on my threat now seems regrettable.

I know that he and I both take hang-ups seriously, which is why I followed through on it. He was downing on something that I love, he wasn't listening to me, I figured that if I followed through with my threat that he would know I was serious about what I was saying to him. But now I feel awful. I cried before because he hurt me. Now I'm crying because I hurt him. If tough love is what I was going for, I can't do it anymore. It doesn't just hurt the one you're being tough to.

It seems small now, in the wave of sorrow that has flooded me, but this morning I found out that I won't see my math teacher again this semester. She gave us our test grades back and on them she wrote our average from the semester and our letter grade. She told us that if there was an A on there, then she didn't want to see us again. My test grade: 103. My average for the semester: 102.25. I don't have to be in class on Friday - I placed out of the final.

If I recieve an e-mail from my Music Appreciation teacher by Friday morning, I don't have to be in class on Friday - I've placed out of the final. With Mrs. Walter, to place out of the final we have to have a B or better and not missed more than three classes. I'm pretty sure I'll get the e-mail. Even if I don't that's only two finals to study for and they're both on Monday.

Mrs. Souder doesn't give a final. She spends class time, she takes roll, the school's happy. Last semester we just had a party. This semester, my group and the one we combined with (we call ourselves the Soopa Group) are making our presentation on final day.

I have a lot of homework to do. I'm going to try and get some of it done, at least the stuff that's due tomorrow. Tschüss.