This weekend was amazing! It was the best birthday I've ever had. I celebrated on Saturday (my birthday was Wednesday), both in the afternoon and the evening. I had a party planned for 9:30 pm at Main Event and invited all of my friends to go. A couple of coworkers couldn't make it but really wanted to celebrate with me, so they formulated lunch plans for after work Saturday afternoon. We went to Razzoo's and I had alligator tail for the first time ever...it was delicious! After lunch, Josh and I went to his house to relax. I took a nap because I was exhausted from work (VERY long shift).
Lyn-Z, Josh's sister, had a choir dinner called "Madrigal Feaste" at 7:00. We went last year, too, and it was awesome! The choir decorated the cafeteria to look like a castle and they performed madrigal music (all accapella), served us dinner, and performed a skit throughout the meal. Sometime I am amazed at the talent that I see in highschool. A lot of those kids are extremely talented in many ways; the "king" not only acted, but sang a solo, and he played the violin for a song; all of which were very well done...amazing.
After the Madrigal Feaste, Josh and I headed over to Main Event for my party. We bowled (I barely broke 50 points - yeesh), played arcade games, and played a round of laser tag, after which a few of us went back to my house to continue the party. At my house we talked for a good two hours before playing Guitar Hero. The last guests left at 4:00 am. It was a blast!
Best birthday ever...
Now I get to look forward to Thanksgiving; quite possibly my most favorite holiday. I have Wednesday through Sunday off of work and I plan on thoroughly enjoying my break. I can't wait to see the extended Gunter family, as well as my grandmother on Thursday. I love my grandmother so incredibly much. She's the strongest, most interesting woman I know. She's just plain fascinating.
Day #11
Today what makes me thankful is... I have a church filled with wonderful people that will support me and fellowship with me.
Today what makes me happy is... seeing my wonderful fiance before he goes back to school.
Today what makes me free is... being able to belt out songs in church and feel a closeness to God that can't be felt any other way.
Sonntag, November 23, 2008
Samstag, November 15, 2008
Super-special-awesome-day
Day #10
Today what makes me thankful is... that I don't have to work in reception every day of the week.
Today what makes me happy is... spending time with my bestest guy friend, Dustin!
Today what makes me free is... not being at work.
Sorry, folks. I have been so very busy with work. Working 7:30-6 Tuesday through Friday is bad enough, but add on two Mondays in a row and an extra Saturday shift; that makes for one tired puppy!
I am so very excited about my birthday next week. My birthday is on Wednesday, but I'm having a party on the 22nd and a lot of my friends are going to be there...I'm so pumped!!! Tee hee!
Well, I'm at Dustin's and he's making fun of everything I'm typing, so I'm going to go now. I will try to write more often, I promise. Have a great weekend, everybody!!!
Today what makes me thankful is... that I don't have to work in reception every day of the week.
Today what makes me happy is... spending time with my bestest guy friend, Dustin!
Today what makes me free is... not being at work.
Sorry, folks. I have been so very busy with work. Working 7:30-6 Tuesday through Friday is bad enough, but add on two Mondays in a row and an extra Saturday shift; that makes for one tired puppy!
I am so very excited about my birthday next week. My birthday is on Wednesday, but I'm having a party on the 22nd and a lot of my friends are going to be there...I'm so pumped!!! Tee hee!
Well, I'm at Dustin's and he's making fun of everything I'm typing, so I'm going to go now. I will try to write more often, I promise. Have a great weekend, everybody!!!
Donnerstag, November 06, 2008
Working
I am working a lot. I mean a LOT. The office hours have changed so that we close at 6:00 every night, but that has caused everyone's hours to change as well. I now work from 7:30am to 6:00pm Tuesday through Friday. The good thing is that I only have to work one Saturday this month, but it's still a lot of work. I considered putting a tent in the parking lot and staying there during the week. It's very stressful to work there right now, but I'm sure things will settle down after a while.
I'm still thinking about taking on a second job so that I'll have the insurance for after I'm married. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.
Josh didn't do so great (from his perfectionist point of view) on his GRE and he has been bummed out all day. The worst part is, there's nothing I can do to make him feel better, and I'm stuck all the way up here while he's in Austin. I know that even if I was there I wouldn't be able to comfort him much, but it's an instinct that I can't ignore. I'm a nurturer; at least I can admit it.
I really miss Kim.
I need to have coffee with Lori.
I need more female friends.
Day #9
Today what makes me thankful is... having coworkers that enjoy talking with me and sharing their lives with me.
Today what makes me happy is... having dinner with my bestest friend in the whole wide world!
Today what makes me free is... I'm almost 22 years old and my parents trust me.
I'm still thinking about taking on a second job so that I'll have the insurance for after I'm married. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.
Josh didn't do so great (from his perfectionist point of view) on his GRE and he has been bummed out all day. The worst part is, there's nothing I can do to make him feel better, and I'm stuck all the way up here while he's in Austin. I know that even if I was there I wouldn't be able to comfort him much, but it's an instinct that I can't ignore. I'm a nurturer; at least I can admit it.
I really miss Kim.
I need to have coffee with Lori.
I need more female friends.
Day #9
Today what makes me thankful is... having coworkers that enjoy talking with me and sharing their lives with me.
Today what makes me happy is... having dinner with my bestest friend in the whole wide world!
Today what makes me free is... I'm almost 22 years old and my parents trust me.
Dienstag, November 04, 2008
Just Today
Day #8
Today what makes me thankful is... that I have the right to speak out to the nation, even if it's only through a ballot.
Today what makes me happy is... my Dad went to yoga class with Mom, John, and I. It was so cool doing yoga with him next to me.
Today what makes me free is... Yoga. It is a great mental and physical exercise. I really enjoy doing something only for me that is also good for me.
Today what makes me thankful is... that I have the right to speak out to the nation, even if it's only through a ballot.
Today what makes me happy is... my Dad went to yoga class with Mom, John, and I. It was so cool doing yoga with him next to me.
Today what makes me free is... Yoga. It is a great mental and physical exercise. I really enjoy doing something only for me that is also good for me.
Mittwoch, Oktober 29, 2008
Diagnosis Unknown
If you read my previous blog, you know that I stayed home sick Tuesday afternoon. I woke up this morning with my sore throat feeling much worse than the previous day. I looked at my tonsils in the mirror, and I had a huge pus pocket on my right tonsil. I knew it was strep. The doctor didn't open until 8:00am, so when 8:00 came around, I called and made an appointment. I stayed all morning at work cuddled up in my UT zip front hoodie. It wasn't near warm enough, so when I didn't have any work to do, I cuddled up in the leather desk chair. I tried to stay away from everyone else so that I wouldn't infect them.
Finally, it was time to get off work. I had an hour before my appointment, so I took a cat nap in my car. When I got into the exam room, the nurse took my vitals, then said she'd look at my throat and if it was bad enough, she'd swab it for a strep test. I opened my mouth for her to look; she stepped backwards and made a face as soon as the light hit my tonsils. Then she looked again and said, "I don't even know how you're swallowing!" She brought the swab into the room and proceeded to tell me that I had a HUGE pus pocket on my right tonsil. She asked if I could eat, which I said I could. (Once I start eating, the food kind of scratches the tonsils in a good way and they don't hurt, so eating was a freedom for me, though I couldn't do it often because I'm constantly nauseous.)
The doctor came in and told me that the strep test came back negative, but when she looked at my throat she said that she thought what I have is strep. She took another swab (OUCH!!!) and said that she'd get the results from the bacterial culture she just took in three days. She said that she also thought that I might have mono. The second time a doctor thought that in two months. She said that the mono test will not show positive, even if you have mono, until you're sick for a while. She told me that if I'm not completely better in seven days, I should come back in and she'll run a mono test.
In three days (Monday is my guess, which would make it five days), I find out if the bacterial culture comes out positive for strep. In seven days, I could be diagnosed with mono. Insert expletive here.
The worst part is, my fiance is coming in town this weekend, and I cannot kiss him. The man I love with all my heart, whom I haven't seen in three weeks, I cannot kiss. Well, let me be honest. The doctor said that I can kiss him on the cheek, as long as he washes his cheek immediately afterwards. Grr. I feel like my weekend is ruined.
Friday night is Josh's cul-de-sac's Halloween party, which I will still go to, but will keep my distance. Saturday I work from 7:30-12 (possibly 2 thanks to our new hours, which is fine), then Josh and I have a hair appointment at 2:30. Saturday evening and Sunday are both free, which is a good thing because I'll be running way too much this weekend. I still feel bad about being sick, but Josh says it's not my fault so I shouldn't worry about it. I'm sure he'll still make a great weekend out of it...he usually does.
So when I'm still at the doctor's office, the doctor tells me to stay home from work tomorrow and rest. Insert another expletive here. This will make day number six of sick days, if my memory serves me, and we're only allowed three sick days in a 365 day period. I don't think that's reasonable, but that's my opinion. Anyhoo, I make sure to take my doctor's note back to work and set it on my boss's desk. I called her, at the advice from another coworker, and tell her the story. Her response was a sigh and a pause. She then said, "You need to watch your hours because you're dangerously close to losing your full-time status." She then complained because there weren't many people who are willing to cover for me, but that she would make it work. Then she hung up. Gee, boss, thanks for caring about my health.
I have resolved that if I do have mono, I will ask her if she is going to fire me or if I should just quit. The reason I will ask her this is because I very seriously doubt that she would put up with me not being able to work for that long of a time. With mono, there is a two week minimum period where you literally sleep for 20 hours out of the day. This means missing two weeks of work, minimum. I REALLY hope that I don't have mono because it would financially destroy me. With all of the bills I have to pay, I need the paycheck that I'm getting. Anyway, another rant for another day.
I'm going to go eat some dinner and sleep some more. I will definitely keep you updated.
Finally, it was time to get off work. I had an hour before my appointment, so I took a cat nap in my car. When I got into the exam room, the nurse took my vitals, then said she'd look at my throat and if it was bad enough, she'd swab it for a strep test. I opened my mouth for her to look; she stepped backwards and made a face as soon as the light hit my tonsils. Then she looked again and said, "I don't even know how you're swallowing!" She brought the swab into the room and proceeded to tell me that I had a HUGE pus pocket on my right tonsil. She asked if I could eat, which I said I could. (Once I start eating, the food kind of scratches the tonsils in a good way and they don't hurt, so eating was a freedom for me, though I couldn't do it often because I'm constantly nauseous.)
The doctor came in and told me that the strep test came back negative, but when she looked at my throat she said that she thought what I have is strep. She took another swab (OUCH!!!) and said that she'd get the results from the bacterial culture she just took in three days. She said that she also thought that I might have mono. The second time a doctor thought that in two months. She said that the mono test will not show positive, even if you have mono, until you're sick for a while. She told me that if I'm not completely better in seven days, I should come back in and she'll run a mono test.
In three days (Monday is my guess, which would make it five days), I find out if the bacterial culture comes out positive for strep. In seven days, I could be diagnosed with mono. Insert expletive here.
The worst part is, my fiance is coming in town this weekend, and I cannot kiss him. The man I love with all my heart, whom I haven't seen in three weeks, I cannot kiss. Well, let me be honest. The doctor said that I can kiss him on the cheek, as long as he washes his cheek immediately afterwards. Grr. I feel like my weekend is ruined.
Friday night is Josh's cul-de-sac's Halloween party, which I will still go to, but will keep my distance. Saturday I work from 7:30-12 (possibly 2 thanks to our new hours, which is fine), then Josh and I have a hair appointment at 2:30. Saturday evening and Sunday are both free, which is a good thing because I'll be running way too much this weekend. I still feel bad about being sick, but Josh says it's not my fault so I shouldn't worry about it. I'm sure he'll still make a great weekend out of it...he usually does.
So when I'm still at the doctor's office, the doctor tells me to stay home from work tomorrow and rest. Insert another expletive here. This will make day number six of sick days, if my memory serves me, and we're only allowed three sick days in a 365 day period. I don't think that's reasonable, but that's my opinion. Anyhoo, I make sure to take my doctor's note back to work and set it on my boss's desk. I called her, at the advice from another coworker, and tell her the story. Her response was a sigh and a pause. She then said, "You need to watch your hours because you're dangerously close to losing your full-time status." She then complained because there weren't many people who are willing to cover for me, but that she would make it work. Then she hung up. Gee, boss, thanks for caring about my health.
I have resolved that if I do have mono, I will ask her if she is going to fire me or if I should just quit. The reason I will ask her this is because I very seriously doubt that she would put up with me not being able to work for that long of a time. With mono, there is a two week minimum period where you literally sleep for 20 hours out of the day. This means missing two weeks of work, minimum. I REALLY hope that I don't have mono because it would financially destroy me. With all of the bills I have to pay, I need the paycheck that I'm getting. Anyway, another rant for another day.
I'm going to go eat some dinner and sleep some more. I will definitely keep you updated.
Dienstag, Oktober 28, 2008
Delayed
Sorry about the delay. I feel like I haven't written in forever! I was super busy this weekend; I was house/pet sitting and did not take my laptop with me, which is the main reason why I didn't post.
I was sick today. I felt pretty crappy yesterday. I called in sick, slept in until about 10:30 and stayed in bed most of the day. I went to the college Halloween party because I was feeling better. I went to work this morning and got worse throughout the day. The weird thing is, even though I'm nauseated, I still get hungry and can eat like normal. I have a splitting headache and my tonsils are swollen and red, but don't have the white spots/stripes that are typical with strep throat. I'm pretty sure I have/had a fever, but I'm not sure what illness I have. It pretty much stinks.
I was ECSTATIC when I got to the Turner's house last night and saw Kim's car in the driveway. I have missed her SO much and it was absolutely wonderful to see her again. We didn't get to talk much, but I really enjoyed seeing her and Jess again. I don't think she has any idea how much I've been missing her. Don't get me wrong, Kelly is great, but I have a special bond with Kim; she's like my adult best friend. I really, really enjoyed seeing her again, even for the short time I had.
I got my Mom addicted to yoga! Well, maybe not addicted, but she's getting a membership, too, which means that on weekends, at the very least, we'll be able to go to yoga together!
Random thought of the day: I would love to ride in a hot air balloon someday.
Day #8
Today what makes me thankful is... seeing Kim yesterday.
Today what makes me happy is... I got to talk to Josh a lot today. And I get to see him in three days!
Today what makes me free... being able to be sick in my room and work on getting better.
I was sick today. I felt pretty crappy yesterday. I called in sick, slept in until about 10:30 and stayed in bed most of the day. I went to the college Halloween party because I was feeling better. I went to work this morning and got worse throughout the day. The weird thing is, even though I'm nauseated, I still get hungry and can eat like normal. I have a splitting headache and my tonsils are swollen and red, but don't have the white spots/stripes that are typical with strep throat. I'm pretty sure I have/had a fever, but I'm not sure what illness I have. It pretty much stinks.
I was ECSTATIC when I got to the Turner's house last night and saw Kim's car in the driveway. I have missed her SO much and it was absolutely wonderful to see her again. We didn't get to talk much, but I really enjoyed seeing her and Jess again. I don't think she has any idea how much I've been missing her. Don't get me wrong, Kelly is great, but I have a special bond with Kim; she's like my adult best friend. I really, really enjoyed seeing her again, even for the short time I had.
I got my Mom addicted to yoga! Well, maybe not addicted, but she's getting a membership, too, which means that on weekends, at the very least, we'll be able to go to yoga together!
Random thought of the day: I would love to ride in a hot air balloon someday.
Day #8
Today what makes me thankful is... seeing Kim yesterday.
Today what makes me happy is... I got to talk to Josh a lot today. And I get to see him in three days!
Today what makes me free... being able to be sick in my room and work on getting better.
Mittwoch, Oktober 22, 2008
Just Today
Day #7
Today what makes me thankful is... that I am my own person now. I've grown up and now I don't let people push me around and control me.
Today what makes me happy is... that my coworker, Cindy J., and I get along so well.
Today what makes me free is... yoga. It's an amazing workout both physically and mentally. Sometimes I feel like it's what keeps me going during the week.
I'm so... blah... ugh... sigh... And I don't like it.
Today what makes me thankful is... that I am my own person now. I've grown up and now I don't let people push me around and control me.
Today what makes me happy is... that my coworker, Cindy J., and I get along so well.
Today what makes me free is... yoga. It's an amazing workout both physically and mentally. Sometimes I feel like it's what keeps me going during the week.
I'm so... blah... ugh... sigh... And I don't like it.
Dienstag, Oktober 21, 2008
So Random
Day #6
Today what makes me thankful: I have a wonderful fiance who love me, tells me I'm beautiful, who is sweet, and who is a gentleman through and through.
Today what makes me happy is: spontaneous trips to Starbucks with friends just to hang out.
Today what makes me free is: God's grace, love, and forgiveness; even with the little things.
Today was a long day. I was at work at 7:30, worked 'til noon, then went to the staff meeting. :( I went to Starbucks to chill before I had to be back at work by 4.
I am exhausted. I need a vacation. To omuch is going on in my life right now. It's so heavy that I can't even sleep.
Random thought: the scratching of a pen on paper is quite soothing.
I think I'm turning into a mental case.
I miss Joshua terribly.
Today what makes me thankful: I have a wonderful fiance who love me, tells me I'm beautiful, who is sweet, and who is a gentleman through and through.
Today what makes me happy is: spontaneous trips to Starbucks with friends just to hang out.
Today what makes me free is: God's grace, love, and forgiveness; even with the little things.
Today was a long day. I was at work at 7:30, worked 'til noon, then went to the staff meeting. :( I went to Starbucks to chill before I had to be back at work by 4.
I am exhausted. I need a vacation. To omuch is going on in my life right now. It's so heavy that I can't even sleep.
Random thought: the scratching of a pen on paper is quite soothing.
I think I'm turning into a mental case.
I miss Joshua terribly.
Montag, Oktober 20, 2008
A Depressed Day
I was depressed again today. I don't know why, but I was. This has happened three days in the past two weeks. Doesn't sound too serious, perhaps, but I'm not usually this depressed ever. Hmm...
Day #5
Today what makes me thankful is...that I can go to a Bible study without fear of being arrested, tortured, or killed.
Today what makes me happy is... I got a lot done on my Halloween costume today and it is almost finished!
Today what makes me free is... the soldiers in foreign lands who daily offer their lives so that we can have ours. God bless you, Dr. Roberts, and may He keep you safe and well. We'll miss you.
Please pray that my mysterious depression will go away.
Day #5
Today what makes me thankful is...that I can go to a Bible study without fear of being arrested, tortured, or killed.
Today what makes me happy is... I got a lot done on my Halloween costume today and it is almost finished!
Today what makes me free is... the soldiers in foreign lands who daily offer their lives so that we can have ours. God bless you, Dr. Roberts, and may He keep you safe and well. We'll miss you.
Please pray that my mysterious depression will go away.
Samstag, Oktober 18, 2008
Late Post
Day #4
Today what makes me thankful is... that it's really easy to make up with Josh.
Today what makes me happy is... my favorite football team is undefeated this season (Hook 'em horns!!!)
Today what makes me free is... not having to work on Saturday.
Today what makes me thankful is... that it's really easy to make up with Josh.
Today what makes me happy is... my favorite football team is undefeated this season (Hook 'em horns!!!)
Today what makes me free is... not having to work on Saturday.
Freitag, Oktober 17, 2008
Not A Great Day
Day #3
Today I am thankful for... friends to comfort me when things aren't going so well.
Today what makes me happy is... having co-workers that care.
Today what makes me free is... distance is sometimes a good thing.
I've had a rough afternoon today. I don't think going into details would be acceptable on this world-wide visiting place. I've been having a lot of emotions this week and I don't like it. *shrug* I am a female.
Dinner's ready, so I need to go. Later!
Today I am thankful for... friends to comfort me when things aren't going so well.
Today what makes me happy is... having co-workers that care.
Today what makes me free is... distance is sometimes a good thing.
I've had a rough afternoon today. I don't think going into details would be acceptable on this world-wide visiting place. I've been having a lot of emotions this week and I don't like it. *shrug* I am a female.
Dinner's ready, so I need to go. Later!
Donnerstag, Oktober 16, 2008
Mid October Feels Colder Outside
Per my good friend, I should write daily for three months. What I should write each day is 1) what I am thankful for, 2) what makes me happy, and 3) what makes me free. Since I am horrible about writing daily, I have a compromise. Mutating Missionary, is it ok with you (or rather, will your idea still work) if instead of writing daily for three months if I write as close to daily as possible for 90 days? I will keep close track of them, I promise.
Assuming MM agrees, here's day #2.
Day #2:
Today I am thankful for... a job that I get paid to do and enjoy doing.
Today what makes me happy is... knowing that I have adult friends who treat me like a young adult, and don't mind taking time out of their busy day to have coffee with me.
Today what makes me free is... I'm still feeling pretty free from yoga yesterday.
I'm getting a bit upset by a couple of people at work. I'm trying not to let their moods affect me, but it's difficult, for reasons that I'd rather not get into for their privacy, and I'm not too great yet at making myself happy out of nowhere. I'm trying to focus on the positive when they start getting to me...that's the best thing I can think to do.
That's just a small blurb, but I'm hungry and my parent's minichurch finally left, so I can go get dinner now. :D
Have an awesome day tomorrow!
Assuming MM agrees, here's day #2.
Day #2:
Today I am thankful for... a job that I get paid to do and enjoy doing.
Today what makes me happy is... knowing that I have adult friends who treat me like a young adult, and don't mind taking time out of their busy day to have coffee with me.
Today what makes me free is... I'm still feeling pretty free from yoga yesterday.
I'm getting a bit upset by a couple of people at work. I'm trying not to let their moods affect me, but it's difficult, for reasons that I'd rather not get into for their privacy, and I'm not too great yet at making myself happy out of nowhere. I'm trying to focus on the positive when they start getting to me...that's the best thing I can think to do.
That's just a small blurb, but I'm hungry and my parent's minichurch finally left, so I can go get dinner now. :D
Have an awesome day tomorrow!
Montag, Oktober 13, 2008
A "Blah" Day
Today was not that great of a day and I'm not sure why. I guess it was just one of "those" days. It was just blah.
Ok...here goes my attempt at Mutating Missionary's idea.
Today I am thankful for... a fiance who loves me and cares for me.
Today what makes me happy is... remembering the wonderful weekend I had with Josh and his family.
Today what makes me free (I'm not sure what you mean by this...please explain?) is... God's grace. Plain and simple.
I Googled (yeah, it's a verb now) "blah" and this is what I found...
Ironically, the page it was on was from a person who Googled "blah" and found this picture. Weird, huh?
Ok...here goes my attempt at Mutating Missionary's idea.
Today I am thankful for... a fiance who loves me and cares for me.
Today what makes me happy is... remembering the wonderful weekend I had with Josh and his family.
Today what makes me free (I'm not sure what you mean by this...please explain?) is... God's grace. Plain and simple.
I Googled (yeah, it's a verb now) "blah" and this is what I found...
Ironically, the page it was on was from a person who Googled "blah" and found this picture. Weird, huh?
Samstag, Oktober 11, 2008
Not Much To Say
I'm still here - I don't have much time to write these days. I need to have coffee with several of you...this will be arranged soon.
As for you, my Mutating Missionary, I think you're asking if I write daily, which I don't. I probably should, but I don't. I can write things I'm thankful for, that's not a problem. I can try writing daily, though it will be difficult seeing as I'm always running somewhere.
I'm a bit frustrated right now, so I'm going to relax and calm down.
As for you, my Mutating Missionary, I think you're asking if I write daily, which I don't. I probably should, but I don't. I can write things I'm thankful for, that's not a problem. I can try writing daily, though it will be difficult seeing as I'm always running somewhere.
I'm a bit frustrated right now, so I'm going to relax and calm down.
Sonntag, Oktober 05, 2008
Unsure
That's how I'm feeling right now. Unsure. Ashamedly much so, in fact. The last couple of weeks at church, whenever eternity comes to mind, I get scared. Sometimes I'll be daydreaming about my future either at work or while driving, and I'll think of when I'm old. My body will not be able to do things that it did before; simple things like standing erect or walking. Then I think about myself on my deathbed. What will it feel like to die? Will I simply fall asleep and a second later I wake in heaven? Or will I almost watch myself die, watch my body die, while my conscience stays alert and then I take myself to heaven? Or will it be like fainting; I just lose consciousness altogether before I even know what happened? I believe in heaven and hell, I believe there's a second, eternal life. But the transition scares me. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I will be alone for the briefest second. I don't know if it's because Josh may or may not be there to hold my hand through it. I'm pretty sure it's not doubt, though it very well could be. I don't know if it's a trust issue.
I do have a trust issue. Trusting God with everything. Giving Him my life, my love, my concerns, my dreams, my everything. I know He's there, I know He'll take care of me, but I can't do it fully. How is it that I can trust a broken, fragile, worthless jar of clay with everything but I can not trust the One who made me, the One who loves me the most, the One who knows me more than I do? I shouldn't be going through this. I grew up in Crossroads, I grew up reading the Bible, I grew up in a christian family, I grew up knowing what's right and wrong, I grew up knowing what I believe. I should not be having these issues.
But ever since high school something went wrong. My junior year, things started feeling different. I still prayed and read the Bible, but something felt wrong. I spoke with my Bible study leaders, asking them what was wrong with me; the things I was feeling and thinking weren't right. I felt stagnant, like I was walking backwards, facing God, reaching for Him, trying to walk forward, but my feet kept moving the wrong way. I asked the strongest christians that I knew for help and advice. I got nothing. Nothing I didn't already know. They said to read the Bible, that even if I didn't feel like doing it, I should anyway, and the desire would come. It never did. I prayed earnestly and desperately to have a desire. To want to be in love with God, to love Him the way I love Josh - only more. It never came.
Now I'm stuck. I feel like I am the furthest from God that I have ever been. I feel like a bad child. I feel like the kid who only obeys sometimes, the kid who does what she wants to instead of what she knows she should do. I feel guilty that I haven't trusted Him with everything. I feel bad because I know so much, but I'm not living what I believe, what I know to be true. I don't know how.
I'm scared. I want my children to grow up knowing God and loving Him and trusting Him. I'm afraid that my husband and I will end up like his parents. Dad goes to church, then goes home. Mom goes to church, teaches Sunday school, then goes home. That's it. No serving, no Bible studies, no minichurch. I'm not downing on them or saying they're not spiritual enough or any of that garbage. I feel like that would be not enough for me. I want to stay active and serve and attend Bible studies. But I can't figure out why. I want to do all these great things, something makes me desire them, but if I'm not doing them for God, why do I want to do them? Not doing them only makes me feel even guiltier, but doing them for the wrong reasons isn't any better.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Something's wrong with my brain. I don't know what it is. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know why I can't do it. This has been on my mind for a long time and I don't know what to do with it, how to handle it, how to deal with it, how to fix it, how to make it go away. I'm stuck and I'm unsure of what my next move is. It's way too easy to keep going through life doing what I want.
I do have a trust issue. Trusting God with everything. Giving Him my life, my love, my concerns, my dreams, my everything. I know He's there, I know He'll take care of me, but I can't do it fully. How is it that I can trust a broken, fragile, worthless jar of clay with everything but I can not trust the One who made me, the One who loves me the most, the One who knows me more than I do? I shouldn't be going through this. I grew up in Crossroads, I grew up reading the Bible, I grew up in a christian family, I grew up knowing what's right and wrong, I grew up knowing what I believe. I should not be having these issues.
But ever since high school something went wrong. My junior year, things started feeling different. I still prayed and read the Bible, but something felt wrong. I spoke with my Bible study leaders, asking them what was wrong with me; the things I was feeling and thinking weren't right. I felt stagnant, like I was walking backwards, facing God, reaching for Him, trying to walk forward, but my feet kept moving the wrong way. I asked the strongest christians that I knew for help and advice. I got nothing. Nothing I didn't already know. They said to read the Bible, that even if I didn't feel like doing it, I should anyway, and the desire would come. It never did. I prayed earnestly and desperately to have a desire. To want to be in love with God, to love Him the way I love Josh - only more. It never came.
Now I'm stuck. I feel like I am the furthest from God that I have ever been. I feel like a bad child. I feel like the kid who only obeys sometimes, the kid who does what she wants to instead of what she knows she should do. I feel guilty that I haven't trusted Him with everything. I feel bad because I know so much, but I'm not living what I believe, what I know to be true. I don't know how.
I'm scared. I want my children to grow up knowing God and loving Him and trusting Him. I'm afraid that my husband and I will end up like his parents. Dad goes to church, then goes home. Mom goes to church, teaches Sunday school, then goes home. That's it. No serving, no Bible studies, no minichurch. I'm not downing on them or saying they're not spiritual enough or any of that garbage. I feel like that would be not enough for me. I want to stay active and serve and attend Bible studies. But I can't figure out why. I want to do all these great things, something makes me desire them, but if I'm not doing them for God, why do I want to do them? Not doing them only makes me feel even guiltier, but doing them for the wrong reasons isn't any better.
I don't know what's wrong with me. Something's wrong with my brain. I don't know what it is. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know why I can't do it. This has been on my mind for a long time and I don't know what to do with it, how to handle it, how to deal with it, how to fix it, how to make it go away. I'm stuck and I'm unsure of what my next move is. It's way too easy to keep going through life doing what I want.
Donnerstag, Oktober 02, 2008
Getting Better
Well, it's now October. Time flies when your mind is occupied, that's for sure.
My tummy troubles are (hopefully) almost over. The medicine the doctor put me on, after telling me that my infection almost put me in the hospital, makes me nauseated all the time, which in turn makes it difficult to find an appetite. I'm feeling a little bit better every day. Reduced nausea, increase in appetite, and less fatigue are the symptoms of my struggle to heal. I'm so tired of being sick it's not even funny.
Work is going well. I am almost finished with my Inpatient VA training, and am already finished with the corresponding videos. I'm well on my way to accomplishing my goal of having my OPN training finished by the end of December. After the IVA training, I start working on the OPN stuff...I'm almost there!
I got to see Josh about 3 weeks ago. I drove down to Georgetown and we stayed with his grandparents as usual. We played Canasta and ate and ate and ate. Nana doesn't let us go hungry or go without dessert. I had so much fun and it was so great to see Josh again. Sometimes the phone just doesn't cut it, you know? He's coming in town next weekend to celebrate his father's and uncle's birthdays with the family, so I'll get to see him and his family then.
Wedding plans are going well. There's not much to do right now - I have all the big stuff done already. I'm doing some preliminary invitation and registry pondering, 'cause it's all I have to do.
I'm REALLY hungry, so I'm going to fetch some dinner. I'll talk to you all later. Have a great weekend!
My tummy troubles are (hopefully) almost over. The medicine the doctor put me on, after telling me that my infection almost put me in the hospital, makes me nauseated all the time, which in turn makes it difficult to find an appetite. I'm feeling a little bit better every day. Reduced nausea, increase in appetite, and less fatigue are the symptoms of my struggle to heal. I'm so tired of being sick it's not even funny.
Work is going well. I am almost finished with my Inpatient VA training, and am already finished with the corresponding videos. I'm well on my way to accomplishing my goal of having my OPN training finished by the end of December. After the IVA training, I start working on the OPN stuff...I'm almost there!
I got to see Josh about 3 weeks ago. I drove down to Georgetown and we stayed with his grandparents as usual. We played Canasta and ate and ate and ate. Nana doesn't let us go hungry or go without dessert. I had so much fun and it was so great to see Josh again. Sometimes the phone just doesn't cut it, you know? He's coming in town next weekend to celebrate his father's and uncle's birthdays with the family, so I'll get to see him and his family then.
Wedding plans are going well. There's not much to do right now - I have all the big stuff done already. I'm doing some preliminary invitation and registry pondering, 'cause it's all I have to do.
I'm REALLY hungry, so I'm going to fetch some dinner. I'll talk to you all later. Have a great weekend!
Donnerstag, September 25, 2008
I'm Sick
I'm sick. I took off work today because I felt so bad. I'm trying so hard to be better for my shift tomorrow, but I don't think it's working. Mom says that my hopes of working tomorrow aren't looking good. I think I'll just stay at home as much as possible - don't go anywhere after work, etc. Tracy is having her baby shower on Saturday, which I will try to go to, but I think I will skip yoga again :( and spend the weekend resting and getting better. I don't work on Monday, so I'll have an extra day to rest.
I don't know what this secondary sickness is, but I'm not liking it at all. Severe nausea, loss of appetite, and severe headaches bordering on the migraine level, all on top of a bladder infection. How can I put it...yay! NOT. VERY not fun. Don't do it. I don't recommend it at all. Even drinking cranberry juice bothers my tummy.
I need to go lay down some more. I hope you all are having a better day than I am.
I don't know what this secondary sickness is, but I'm not liking it at all. Severe nausea, loss of appetite, and severe headaches bordering on the migraine level, all on top of a bladder infection. How can I put it...yay! NOT. VERY not fun. Don't do it. I don't recommend it at all. Even drinking cranberry juice bothers my tummy.
I need to go lay down some more. I hope you all are having a better day than I am.
Freitag, September 12, 2008
Hurricane Ike
I have family and friends in Houston. I don't know if they've evacuated or not. I know the focus is on Galveston Island right now, but Houston will be next, and I'm worried.
I'm worried about friends that aren't in danger of Ike. I know they'll be ok eventually, but it's getting to the ok part that I'm worried about.
I want it to be July. I'm tired of waiting to see my fiance. I get to see him in 7 days, but it feels like forever will pass before I see him. I can't wait for July.
I'm worried about friends that aren't in danger of Ike. I know they'll be ok eventually, but it's getting to the ok part that I'm worried about.
I want it to be July. I'm tired of waiting to see my fiance. I get to see him in 7 days, but it feels like forever will pass before I see him. I can't wait for July.
Mittwoch, September 03, 2008
Great Day
I had an awesome day today! I worked as an Inpatient Veterinary Assistant today, which means that I was in the back helping the nurse with surgeries. I did my first dental cleaning today - I did three, I shaved a dog for surgery, and I drew blood for the first time! So many firsts today. I also am officially done with my reception training - finally! That means that I get a 50 cent raise, too!
And, I got to watch a cystotomy on a Schnauzer today. The dog had four large (about 1 inch diameter) stones, and a ton of tiny ones that resembled gravel. All in all there were an estimated 300 stones. I felt so bad for the dog.
That's really all I had to say. Have a good week, everybody!
And, I got to watch a cystotomy on a Schnauzer today. The dog had four large (about 1 inch diameter) stones, and a ton of tiny ones that resembled gravel. All in all there were an estimated 300 stones. I felt so bad for the dog.
That's really all I had to say. Have a good week, everybody!
Sonntag, August 24, 2008
I Am Not Dead
I'm just really busy.
Between friends, wedding planning, pre-marital counseling, work, and Josh being home, I've had a lot on my plate.
I'm not ready for summer to be over. It doesn't feel like the end of summer. At all. Maybe it's because I'm not attending college this semester. Maybe it's because I enjoy the relaxed feel of the day. Maybe it's because I don't miss the daily grind, the routine we get set in once school starts. But, the sooner the school year begins, the sooner it ends, and the sooner I'll be able to move on.
I'm ready to leave the house. I cannot stand it here. Everything is filthy. I woke up at 7:30 in the morning to my mother screaming at my youngest brother...again; I definitely don't miss that from last semester. My parents are now expecting me to pay for their gas. I gave my Dad $80 so they could put gas in their cars one week ago because they needed it. Now they're expecting it from me. I need my money to stay in the bank where it belongs. I have a wedding to pay for - my parent's can't help with that. I work my butt off at work, I pay my bills, I even buy myself food. I need whatever I can get to save for the wedding.
I'm getting a second job - if Starbucks will hire me - for a couple of reasons. One, I could use the extra money to pay for the wedding things. Two, it will give me a second option when looking for a new job. If we go to Germany to live, I seriously doubt I could get a job at a veterinarian's office, so I would be able to apply at Starbucks' near the apartment. If we stay in the states, I can work at Starbucks until a vet's office gets back to me; it was 6 months after I applied at AMC of HV that they finally contacted me for hire, so it's good to have a backup plan.
Kim leaving has been hard, too. I've never had a close friend move away before, and it's really weird not seeing her on Mondays. It's weird that the college group isn't getting together on Mondays, too. I haven't heard what will happen to our Bible study group. I'm sure that the kids who are gone away for college have already left, so that leaves us at-home kids. The group of stay-here students is a lot smaller, of course, but it still may be difficult to keep all of us together. I'm afraid that the group will dissolve; that would be horrible. I'm not sure what I can do, though. I suppose we'll talk about it at church tonight.
I'm not in much of a mood to tell you everything that happened in the last two months. Josh left this afternoon and I'm working through the routine that happens after he leaves. I always feel lonely; like I'm only half here. I want to be with people, but at the same time, I want to be alone. It only lasts a day or two, but the first week after he leaves is always the hardest. I'll talk to you all later. I hope your summers have been well.
Between friends, wedding planning, pre-marital counseling, work, and Josh being home, I've had a lot on my plate.
I'm not ready for summer to be over. It doesn't feel like the end of summer. At all. Maybe it's because I'm not attending college this semester. Maybe it's because I enjoy the relaxed feel of the day. Maybe it's because I don't miss the daily grind, the routine we get set in once school starts. But, the sooner the school year begins, the sooner it ends, and the sooner I'll be able to move on.
I'm ready to leave the house. I cannot stand it here. Everything is filthy. I woke up at 7:30 in the morning to my mother screaming at my youngest brother...again; I definitely don't miss that from last semester. My parents are now expecting me to pay for their gas. I gave my Dad $80 so they could put gas in their cars one week ago because they needed it. Now they're expecting it from me. I need my money to stay in the bank where it belongs. I have a wedding to pay for - my parent's can't help with that. I work my butt off at work, I pay my bills, I even buy myself food. I need whatever I can get to save for the wedding.
I'm getting a second job - if Starbucks will hire me - for a couple of reasons. One, I could use the extra money to pay for the wedding things. Two, it will give me a second option when looking for a new job. If we go to Germany to live, I seriously doubt I could get a job at a veterinarian's office, so I would be able to apply at Starbucks' near the apartment. If we stay in the states, I can work at Starbucks until a vet's office gets back to me; it was 6 months after I applied at AMC of HV that they finally contacted me for hire, so it's good to have a backup plan.
Kim leaving has been hard, too. I've never had a close friend move away before, and it's really weird not seeing her on Mondays. It's weird that the college group isn't getting together on Mondays, too. I haven't heard what will happen to our Bible study group. I'm sure that the kids who are gone away for college have already left, so that leaves us at-home kids. The group of stay-here students is a lot smaller, of course, but it still may be difficult to keep all of us together. I'm afraid that the group will dissolve; that would be horrible. I'm not sure what I can do, though. I suppose we'll talk about it at church tonight.
I'm not in much of a mood to tell you everything that happened in the last two months. Josh left this afternoon and I'm working through the routine that happens after he leaves. I always feel lonely; like I'm only half here. I want to be with people, but at the same time, I want to be alone. It only lasts a day or two, but the first week after he leaves is always the hardest. I'll talk to you all later. I hope your summers have been well.
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