Peeking Through the Window of Her Mind

I love my church. We have nice people, good, solid teaching, our Sunday School lessons come straight from the Bible and not some curriculum from Pennsylvania or Arkansas, the people there truly love the Lord and want to serve Him.

I've been struggling with my walk with God for about a year and a half now. I've gone to various people for help and they all gave me the same advice. I asked for help with the advice and they gave it again. I asked God for help when I started seeing myself slipping. I kept sliding down hill and moved further and further away from Him. Friends, family, deteriorating relationships that my friends or I were going through, trips, the little things in life, things kept coming and I knew I needed to trust Him. I thought I did. I got to the point where I was falling into a hole. Not knowing what it looked like, what it felt like to trust God only exacerbated the situation. I finally hit the bottom of the hole. Hurting, I struggled to find out a way to get out. I'd look up at the small hole of light, the only source of light, the opening to the hole I'd fallen into, and wish for a way out. Like a baby learns to stand, I'd grab onto the wall and barely pull myself up, sometimes to a standing position, give up, say it's too hard, and fall back down. I'd sit there, frustrated that I can't do the easiest things. I'd whine and complain to myself all the time about how bad my situation is.

Sometimes people would call down the hole to me and ask me if I was ok. Certain people I would say yes to, just to be polite. Others I would desperately ask for help. Some ignored my request and walked away. Some sent down a rope, but it never came far enough for me to reach. One built a ladder that reached all the way down to the bottom of the hole. He told me to come when I'm ready, that He'll be waiting for me when I get there. Noticing the ladder is one thing, climbing it is another. I'm working on climbing the ladder. I know what I'm supposed to do, I know how to climb the ladder, that's not the issue. It's fitting it into everyday life that's hard.

If it weren't for the people at church, I wouldn't have even noticed the ladder. I would have been so focused on myself that I would have missed it completely. These people were like a flashing arrow pointing through the dark to the ladder, my way of escape from the dark and lonely hole. They are my encouragement, my motivation to perservere and be strong. They help me do what I should do alone, but can't find the strength to do it.

The past two weeks have been the best weeks of my spiritual walk in at least a year. I have grown in how I think and how I view things. I'm watching them through glass windows. I'm listening to what they say to each other, especially about God. I feel like I'm a recovering skeptic. I watched these people at church and saw the ones that were constantly talking about God and every other word out of their mouth was how God did this for them and God saved them in this situation and found myself not happy, but intstantly bitter and angry at His name and the way they used it. These people I dubbed "overly Christian" and found that my anger wasn't necessarily towards them, but at myself and my situation. I still find that people that are that way are annoying - I'm happy for them and all, but they can talk about other things. You can thank God for what he's done in your life and tell others about it without being so repetitive. I almost hate to say that, but it's the truth. Sorry, long rabbit trail. I'm working on it.

Now when I see these people, they help me realize my situation and while they don't tell me how to fix it (I haven't asked them), they do help me to do so by pointing to Him. I'm not really sure what's going to happen, but I know this: God has His plan for me. I am taken care of. Although I'm not where I'd like to be (who is?), I finally realize that it's ok. It's ok to go slowly. I don't have to be some super Christian. I can have problems. As long as I still acknowledge that God is the only cure and let Him be such, I'm ok.

That's what has been on my mind recently. I have to go get final details for tomorrow...I'm housesitting for a friend for two weeks. Have to go get Clifford inspected so I don't get a ticket for being so far out of inspection. I'll talk to you all later. I will have internet while I'm there and I'll try and blog as often as I can.

Tschüss!