Ich Möchte Deutsch Sprechen!

Ich wünsche, daß ich fließenden Deutschen sprechen und schreiben konnte. Ich habe eine harte Zeit erlernend, daß neue Wörter und er sehr frustrierend erhalten. Grr. Es war, also einfach zuerst und jetzt ist es, wie ich eine Wand schlage. Ich halte, an ihm zu arbeiten, aber für jetzt, frustriert es. Ich wünsche, daß ich zu einer realen Schule mit wirklichen Lehrern ging und reale Arbeit erledigte. Das ganzes dieses ist Mist.

TRANSLATION: I wish I knew how to speak and write fluent German. I'm having a hard time learning new words and it's getting very frustrating. Grr. It was so easy at first and now it's like I hit a wall. I'll keep working at it, but for now, it's frustrating. I wish I went to a real school with real teachers and did real work. All of this is crap.

I am so tempted to put all of my entries in German, but then you wouldn't understand them. Maybe I'll only put pieces of the entry in German. I don't know.

My parents frustrate me. They've been rude to me for no apparent reason and I can't talk to them about it because all they'll do is yell at me. I want out of this hen house. I want to be responsible for my mess and my mess only. I say that I'm tired of this house that we live in always looking like a palace for a pig and no matter how hard I try to keep it clean, it is always messy before Mom gets home so she always hears me complaining but never sees anything. And yet she still doesn't try and get the boys to help, she still doesn't aknowledge that I try.

I was told I was pretty last week by my Bible Study leader. I replied with, "Yeah, that's what Josh tells me." She asked if my Dad ever told me that, and I said no. She said that he should. To me, this is a foreign concept. Hearing my parents tell me that they love me and are proud of me, just hearing encouragement of any sort from them is rare. I have to do something extra special, like have the entire house spic and span when they get home, for them to say anything like that, and even then if they're in a bad mood or something they don't say anything at all. There's never a random "I love you" said just because they do. I know they love us, it just doesn't feel like it.

I hate the way my parents parent. I understand that they both have to work all the time to keep the bills payed but when they are home, they're grouchy and bitter, they come onto the scene with no knowledge of the rest of the day's events and just start yelling. Even when they are in a good mood, they don't do anything to help out, they sit and do nothing just because they can even though there's tons of stuff to be done.

Actually, that's more my Mom. My Daddy works on the cars on the weekends and on weeknights he watches Wm when needed and stuff like that. When Mom's home on a weekday, she doesn't normally do schoolwork with Wm (sometimes she does, just not on a regular basis), she just plays games on the internet all day long and then when she comes out and the house is a mess, she yells at us for that. She rarely disciplines Wm. She threatens all the time but she rarely follows through. It's gotten to the point where if she actually does spank him, he fake cries and doesn't change his ways. He's selfish, arrogant, and rude, he talks back to any authority figure (he gets away with it at the house), he is very smart, but he tries to con his way out of things. He'll sneak out of the house to play with his friends when he was told not to and then when he gets caught, he tries to lie his way out of it. It used to work a lot better when he was younger, but now it's harder for him to get Mom to believe him. He bosses people around no matter how old they are. He's very disrespectful. Academically, he's a year behind. I think if my parents put him in school, it would help him academically and perhaps rid him of a few personality defects, or at least let him know that he can't get away with everything. Afterall, what's going to happen when John and I move out? Who'll take care of him then? Yeah, he may be 11, but I don't think he'll be mature enough to take care of himself. Mom will most likely still be working to pay off the debts, so who will stay home with him?

I just wish my parents would show a little love every now and then. Have compassion, let go. Let us be who we are. I'm like a flower trying to grow, but there's a net on top of me holding me down. The weeds are starting to choke me. If I don't get out soon, I may do something drastic. I thought about running away, but you have to have money to do that (food and gas), something which I don't have, yet again because of my parents.

*shakes head* I'm going to go do my schoolwork and quit letting out my feelings on here.

Oh, one more thing before I go. Looking to the bright side of my life, my boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months as of today. This makes me very, very happy. If it weren't for Josh and all my friends, I would have no light. Thank you to all those who are my light.