LONG Time

Good heavens! It has been so long since I last wrote. That just shows you all how busy I am. Trigonometry is currently ruling my life. Only three weeks left and it's over!!!

Things are pretty rough with my friends and my mother, but otherwise I'm doing ok.

Today marks 3 1/2 years of dating with Joshua! Hooray for us.

I turn 21 in four days - I am so very excited about my birthday!

Emma's finally learning to go outside. We got some miniature cowbells and put them on the door so that she can ring them when she wants to go outside. It works like a charm!

If I pass trigonometry, in May I will graduate with an Associate's of Arts AND an Associate's of Science. I'm really excited about that little bit of information.

Next semester I'm taking a class with my most favorite teacher on the face of the planet! I am a hardcore Souderite, I've been with Professor (soon to be Dr.) Souder since she started teaching her first semester at NCTC. She's the best teacher in the world and I can't wait for class to begin!

I still don't know where I'm going to school next. I decided that I'll live at home until I go to university. I will save so much more money. I also decided that, come summer, I'll buy a "new-used" car so that my parents (and my boyfriend and I) won't have to worry about my car breaking down when I'm out of state. I know what car I want, but the one I want isn't much more fuel efficient than the car I have now. Plus the one I want, though used, isn't any cheaper than buying a brand new 2008 model. I won't pick it until school's over though, so I have time to think about it.

This news may not mean much to you, but it means a lot to me. Josh said that this summer we will talk about getting married, as in decide when we want to have the wedding, how things will work out with school if we do or don't get married before we go, etc. With my silly head, I want him to propose during Christmas break (not on Christmas - how cheesy!) or for our four year anniversary in May, so that we will be making firmer plans over the summer. I don't think I'd mind a long engagement, but I really do think that if we get married before we go to school, things will be easier. I can explain myself further in person if you'd like. I like coffee (hint, hint)!

I'm house-sitting for a week and I need to get to packing. I'll write again when I find a block of time to do so.

Fantastic News

Remember that fantastic news I mentioned in my 24 August post? Well, the time is right to tell you what it is.

My best friend is engaged! I was the accomplice, too. I took Lara to Kohl's after she got off work at 18:30 so that Chad could get her apartment all set up with candles, flowers, nice dishes, etc. I had said that I had homework to do and couldn't stay out that late, so she wouldn't be surprised at the short length of the visit. Chad sent me a text message saying that he was ready for me to bring her over and I told Lara that is was my Mom messaging me, that she was making a special dinner for all of us, so I had to get home. I dropped Lara off at her apartment. I got the call of her squealing before I even got home. I can't wait to hear what he said and how the night went. Lara and her fiancee are going to his parent's house tomorrow after she gets off work, so I probably won't get to talk to her until Sunday. Anyway, I'm practically squealing myself. I am so happy for them!

Emma is doing very well. She's starting to learn her name and she knows that if she goes to the bathroom outside she'll get a treat, but she hasn't made the connection to do that outside and only outside yet. It's a duh, but I think she'll get it down in a few weeks or so. I'm taking her to the vet on Monday to get her second set of puppy shots, paid for by the clinic. She is the most adorable puppy and does all sorts of cute puppy things. I really do like having a "family member of the canine persuasion" (Brent) and I am so glad that she's not chewing everything in sight yet.

My classes are going well. I wrote my first program in Python, with a ton of help from Josh, but I did it and I perfected it all on my own. It's a guessing game. It asks you to guess a number from between 1 and 100 and when you put your guess in it tells you to go either higher or lower. When you guess the right number, it says, "You win!" and then asks if you want to play again. If you type yes, it will start over. If you type no, the game closes. I can't wait to learn more of Python so that I can make more complicated programs. In the end, I want to make a Tic Tac Toe game using Python. From what I learned from making the guessing game, it will be a challenge, but I'm confident that I can do it, and do it well.

I haven't written anymore in Julia, though I have tons of ideas in my head. School has been keeping me busy. I'm curious about how my first Trig test went. I should get the results back Monday. If it's a grade worth posting, I'll put it up here.

I need to go grab something to eat. I'll talk to you all later. Smile! :D

Big News!

Hello, all. I have some big news for you! Our family is going to change a little bit.

This is the new addition to our family:

Her name is Emma, she is a Heeler mix, and she is 10 weeks old. She got spayed this morning and she'll be coming home tomorrow. In case you're wondering, vets recommend spaying/neutering your pet at 5-6 months Adoption dogs however, cannot be adopted until they are spayed/neutered, which is why she was spayed so early.

Emma was found with her eight siblings inside a cardboard box that had been taped shut and thrown into a dumpster. She and her litter-mates were four weeks old when found. When we looked at the puppies on Friday, there were five. One had been adopted already, but the other three weren't ready for adoption yet because they were having trouble gaining weight. They all survived, thank goodness. I don't know why someone would throw those adorable puppies in the dumpster. With the effort that it takes to tape them up inside a box and take the box to the dumpster, they could have just taken the pups to a local vet clinic or pound.

Anyhoo, now Emma has a good home and a good family to love and be loved by. I have been wanting a dog ever since the other two died. My Dad told me that he wanted me to do a project for him one day and said that he wanted me to go to the vet clinic next to our house and check out the Corgi mix puppies that they had an ad for. I went and when Mom came with me later that day, we ended up seeing the Heeler puppies instead. I fell in love with her instantly. She's the first one to come when you're walking somewhere or if you call or kiss at them. She's playful and friendly and shows no signs of aggression whatsoever, which is something that Mom was worried about. I can't wait to have her home!

I am also in the process of learning a programming language called Python. I am so excited about finally learning a programming language. I have a few programs in mind that I would like to try to create. We'll see how it goes. Josh is the one who turned me on to programming since he did it all throughout high school. He offered to teach me, but it's hard to do with him in Austin all the time and his own homework to deal with. The learning Python thing is actually a project for my computer science class. I talked with my lecture teacher about it for about an hour today. It was awesome! He showed me a little bit about it and gave me the program to learn it and also a Python interpreter so you can program and see what your program does. I'm really excited!

I hope you all are having as good of a time with life as I am. Have a great day!

Hello

Here's another happy post. I don't think I put my class schedule on here, so I will do it now.

MWF:
8:00 U.S. History to 1865
9:00 Computer Science
10:00 Physics Lab (M only)
11:00 Comp. Sci. Lab (MW only)
12:00 Physics (MW only)
13:00 Trigonometry

TR:
9:30 Weight Training

It's an interesting schedule; my first 15 hour schedule ever. I'm not worried about physics anymore - the teacher has never given a D or F in his class and he has made it so that we only have lecture on two days and lab on only one. Also, all of our homework is done in class. Plus, he cracks himself up with the jokes and witty remarks that he makes and it is hilarious! I think the class is going to have a lot of fun with Professor Sam.

I need to head to bed now. I have weight training in the morning and I didn't sleep well last night. Sorry the post is so short. :D SMILE!!!

Short Update

So sorry for the huge time lapse between updates. I, like a few friends of mine, have dropped off of the face of the earth. My sincerest apologies. I cannot make this a long update, as I would like, because I have to work in Plano tomorrow morning. Here's a list of things that have happened:

-I have tons of ideas for my book about my Grandmother. It's called Julia.
-I have been preparing for school to start
-I have been taking care of/repairing my car
-I have been enjoying the month that Josh has been home
-I am trying to keep my spirits high; this weekend is going to be a doozy, which can be summed up in three small phrases: Josh leaving, school starting, Baker clan coming to visit (I'll be sleeping at Lara's apartment)
-I have some fantastic news that I will share with you when the time is right
-I'm a bit stressed about school starting - first 15 hour semester, worried about the trigonometry and physics combination
-I'm really missing having a dog around the house
-I just got a haircut yesterday and my hair looks the best that it ever has in my life

That pretty much sums it up. I'll get back on here as soon as I can. Take care.




p.s.
Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I didn't recognize your picture, Honey B, and I really am interested in who you are.

Do I Need a Title?

*sigh*

You know how sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying? What do you do when you can't laugh anymore? All I've felt like doing today is crying. I haven't felt good for the past week or so either, so that doesn't help the situation. I haven't been sleeping well and I think that it's because I'm trying not to focus so hard. The only problem is, I think I'm concentrating too hard on not focusing my attention on a certain thing.

This is going to sound dreamy and immature. You're probably going to say that I'm too young to be thinking these thoughts, that I have my whole life to worry about this. I can't get it out of my head though. All I can think about is my wedding and how it won't happen for six years (minimum). All I can think about is being with Josh day and night and how wonderful it will be to take care of him and be with him.

Truly the only thing keeping us from getting the M-word is money. Both of us, when we get there, will be financially independent from our parents completely. The sucky part about that is he wants a PhD at one of the top 10 Computer Science schools. I want to go to a good university, a good language school. There are a couple up in New York; MIT is close to there, but Josh may not pick to go there. I don't want to be more than 5 hours (driving) away from him. I can't afford to fly that often.

My mind keeps developing "good ideas" that would be great aside from finances. Then I start thinking about how wonderful that would be and the time frame that I would have, etc. I thought of a fantastic one in the shower this morning. Then I killed it. I took a knife and I stabbed that idea. I watched it deflate. I watched it bleed. I felt it hurt. I started crying and decided that I would give it away. I prayed right then. I told Him that I want to be happy where I am. I don't want to be non-content not being the six letter F-word (you know, the french one). I want it so badly; I want it right now. Not the ring, the peace of mind that comes with knowing that the ball is rolling, so to speak. But I can't want it. Whenever I want something really bad, I obsess. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because usually I think about it, plan it out, and go about getting it in a logical way. The only problem is that after I do that, I expect it to happen, fairly closely to the way I imagined it. I told Him the plan I came up with a few minutes ago. I told him what I had to do to get rid of it. The way I was praying reminded me of Grace from Bruce Almighty. Desperate, sincere prayer, spoken through hot tears and the mumbles that come from crying.

Now I can't seem to stop. I've prayed twice today for God to take this burden from me, for Him to pry it out of my little fingers. I question my sincerity almost. I only feel worse after this morning. And I still thought about it all day. I'm in a slump and I don't want to be in it. At the same time, I don't know how to get out of it.

I want so many things very badly. I want to get married, I want to go to Germany, I want to move out of my parent's house, I want to go to a great school that's close to Josh's. I'm guessing that I want change. A big change. Maybe I'm just asking the impossible. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I do know that I want to stop hurting and be content. With everything. It can't be too much to ask of the Lord because He's freaking HUGE. He can do whatever He wants. He's all-powerful.

How can I re-train my thinking?

Guatemala Update

Here's the blog I promised, Mom!

Hi everyone! I am writing this from Brandon and Jenny's beautiful home in Xela, Guatemala. So far this trip has been both exciting, tiring, and relaxing all at the same time. We are building bunk beds in two separate rooms, five bunks in each room. We have the bunks in one room completely built and the first coat of varnish was put on this morning. All of the beds in the other room are built, but the bunks haven't been assembled yet.

The scenery here is beautiful! For some reason, I had a tropical environment stuck in my head. The surroundings remind me of Haiti, only without the tropical plants all over the place. The roads are much better than they are in Haiti, but they are still bumpier than at home.

For the Fourth of July, Brandon bought some fireworks. He was told that the Koreans had the best ones, so he went hunting for them. He never did find the Koreans, so he bought the only fireworks he could find. They were Chinese made (it's become a joke amongst the team). Anyway, after dinner, we all went up onto the roof-roof (the house is three stories, but the top story is mostly patio) and wrapped up in blankets in our plastic chairs and watched.

While we waited for Brandon and Nathan to light the fireworks, we watched a lightning storm just past the mountains. The Scotts live in a valley, surrounded by mountains. It's really cool to see the landscape at night because
you can't see the mountains at all and the lights from the houses on top of the mountains can be seen. The lights appear to be floating in midair, almost like those "UFO sightings" that people claim to have photographed.

Anyway, the fireworks were lit and were the professional-style amateur kind. They were beautiful! After all 30 fireworks went off, some sideways, we went off the roof and sat on the patio, huddled around the chiminea, and drank hot Hibiscus tea. Bridget pointed out a few constellations for us and we told funny stories.

The sun comes up here at about 5:00a and sets at around 7:00p. It feels later than it is to us because we're not used to the sun setting until 9:00p.


I experienced my first earthquake today, and it was a long one. It lasted for about 30 seconds. It was only noticeable if you were standing still or sitting down. It was strong enough to make the water in the glasses shake, but it wasn't that bad. Jenny said that there had been much worse, but most of them are tiny tiny like this one was. It was an interesting experience.

I think the hot chocolate is ready, so I'm going to go now. I love you all and miss you all so much!

Mini Post

Danke, meine freundin. Ich fuhle mich ein bisschen jetzt besser. (I don't think I constructed that sentence properly.

I am jealous.

I am still frustrated with co-workers. Torey's starting to get to me too, a little bit, but that's only because he doesn't tell me the important things anymore. Such things as knowing that the cabinets that we were told to ship today weren't being shipped after all... I finished everything by myself and ended up taking a very late lunch because of it. RRRRRRR.

My friend and I are starting to get into a tiff. It's a long story and she'd be pissed at me if I said anything more than this on here. Perhaps if it escalates and I need to talk about it I will. We'll see.

I received notification in the mail today, dated May 23, 2007, that I am an official Dean Scholar! I am one of the top students at NCTC, the letter said. I'm going to take the fancy paper that has the sort-of-folded-from-the-mailbox look to it, stick it in a frame and hang it on the wall in my room. I am so proud of myself! I'M AN HONORS STUDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bummed

I feel like a failure. I am not talented in anything. I enjoy lots of things, but I am only mediocre at them all. I can carry a tune and I enjoy singing, but I'm not that great. I enjoy playing the piano, but I never get past the decent level. I love writing, but, let's face it, it sucks. Everything feels almost forced when I try and do it.

When I really blast it when I'm singing, I turn down the music a little and hear myself. That's usually the end of singing right then because I embarrassed myself when I was alone in my car. My ex piano teacher said that I really have something special that could be developed with my playing. Where is it? My English teacher, Souder, has said that I have a great talent for writing. I write the crappiest stuff, full of b.s. and she gives me an A on it. I don't understand what's wrong. If I have a "gift" with this stuff, howcome it sucks? If it's really there, why don't I see it? It's like me being pretty. My boyfriend says I'm beautiful all the time. My friends say that I am and my coworkers are attracted to me. Why is it that when I look in the mirror I don't see the beautiful young woman that everyone else sees? This may just be my hormones talking right now, but it applies nearly all of the time.

The Russia team met at Life's A Beach today to discuss the trip. Since there are only eight people and no one eager to lead the team, the trip has been postponed to late May, 2008. That's a bummer. I was really hoping that God wanted us to go in August, but apparently He has other plans.

I might go to Guatemala in July. That would be awesome.

I was looking up graduation dates on the NCTC website. Just for the heck of it I clicked on the honors lists for Spring 2007. Apparently, I'm a Dean's Scholar. Never knew until just now. I wonder if I am still a Dean's Scholar by next spring if I will get cords for graduation. That is what I've always wanted for my college career - to be on an honors list of some sort. Getting cords at graduation would be the coolest thing ever!

I have to go take care of my little brother. He just tossed his cookies and is now complaining of a headache. Poor little guy.

For You, Deutsch Learners

This post is for those of you out there who have ever attempted to learn German, especially you, Robyn. Josh sent this to me and I thought I would share some of the highlights. It is Appendix D from Mark Twain's book, A Tramp Abroad, published in 1880. I think it is utterly hilarious. Some are too long to share so I have only included the short ones. If you would like the whole document, just let me know and I can e-mail it to you. Enjoy!

"...and when at last he thinks he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over the page and reads, 'Let the pupil make careful note of the following exceptions.' He runs his eye down and finds that there are more exceptions to the rule than instances of it."

"German names almost always do mean something, and this helps to deceive the student. I translated a passage one day, which said that 'the infuriated tigress broke loose and utterly ate up the unfortunate fir forest' (Tannenwald). When I was girding up my loins to doubt this, I found out that Tannenwald in this case was a man's name."

"Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by heart. There is no other way. ... See how it looks in print -- I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books:
Gretchen: Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
Wilhelm: She has gone to the kitchen.
Gretchen: Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?
Wilhelm: It has gone to the opera."

"And observe the strongest of the several German equivalents for explosion -- Ausbruch. Our word Toothbrush is more powerful than that."

"I would do away with those great long compounded words; or require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for refreshments."

"If it [the German language] is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it."

"A German speaks of an Englishman as the Engländer; to change the sex, he adds inn, and that stands for Englishwoman -- Engländerinn. That seems descriptive enough, but still it is not exact enough for a German; so he precedes the word with that article which indicates that the creature to follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: 'die Engländerinn,' -- which means 'the she-Englishwoman.'"

"In the hospital yesterday, a word of thirteen syllables was successfully removed from a patient -- a North German from near Hamburg; but as most unfortunately the surgeons had opened him in the wrong place, under the impression that he contained a panorama, he died. The sad event has cast a gloom over the whole community."

Here are some of the extremely long words he hated so much:

• Freundschaftsbezeigungen
• Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten
• Stadtverordnetenversammlungen
• Generalstaatsverordentenversammlungen
• Alterhumswissenschaften
• Kinderbewahrungsanstalten
• Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen
• Wiedererstellungbestrebungen
• Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen

And last, but not least:

• Freundschaftsbezeigungenstadtverordnetenversammlungenfamilieneigenthümlichkeiten

Though most of what Herr Twain wrote was negative, he does have a few points that are positive, but they aren't very funny. And, though most of this is negative, it only fuels the fire that I have to learn German. I am excited about the challenge of mastering the language, as much as a foreigner can, anyway. I cannot wait to start taking my official German classes!

Graduations

Belated public congratulations to my brother, John, and to one of my lifelong friends, Angela, for having graduated from High School. Going to graduation ceremonies is always bittersweet for me. They are often very long and somewhat boring, but it is always great watching the seniors walk across the stage with smiling faces and hearing their families cheer for them. I am so proud of these two - they have become fine young adults. They have also helped me grow up and I hope I was/am able to help them grow up. Congrats again, you two!

I love house/dog sitting. I get to play house for however long that I stay there. I get both the freedom and the responsibility and I get to peek into what living on my own is like. I have to buy groceries (if I'm there for more than a week), I have to keep everything clean (well, I don't HAVE to, but it bothers me if I don't), and I have to do other ittle things like water the yard, take out the trash, make sure the dogs are fed and watered, bring in the newspapers and mail, and so on. Nothing makes me feel more like a housewife and I love every minute of it! I can't wait to take care of my husband and (eventually) kids.

Great Week

First off, Josh arrived safely on Tuesday afternoon. He came over to my house and hung out for the rest of the afternoon. We had a great time.



Wednesday was our three year anniversary (of dating). Can you believe it has been three years? My, how time flies. Anyhoo, He came in with a grin on his face and something behind his back. He brought three pink roses in a vase; one for each year we've been together. He had also put a gift in my room, unknown by myself, and surprised me with it later. It was a video game I have been wanting, Guitar Hero II, complete with guitar controller. I gave him a nunchuck controller for his Wii and a game/controller set called Wii Play. He was ecstatic! We played Guitar Hero with John for the rest of the day.



Thursday we went oer to J.P.'s house and hung out with him and Matt. We played Family Guy Monopoly while watching Family Guy. Josh won the game. We also played J.P.'s PS3 for about an hour. Friday evening we went to see Shrek 3 with Sarah and Chase.



Saturday I wnt with the Gunter's to Aunt Kim's house to celebrate Josh's borthday with the family. We went to an Italian restaurant for lunch, then watched Josh open presents and then we went swimming for the rest of the day. When we got back to Josh's, we played his Wii with Austin.

Sunday was an interesting day. In the morning, I picked up Josh and we went to church; I to my meeting and he to service. I went out to eat with the Gunter's at Life's A Beach (great little place, by the way) and then went back to Josh's. We played more Wii and then I helped him pack for Austin. He's staying with Nana and Paw while he continues to work at the ARL (Applied Research Labs).

The interesting thing about Sunday was that I became convicted at the meeting Sunday morning. Brent was talking to us about the two topics assigned for the meeting. I don't remember what the first one was - I walked in halfway through it. The second, though, was about Bible study and how if you haven't formed the habit before you leave for the trip, you will tend not to turn to the Bible on the trip, or be confused about where to go or what to do when you get there. There was a complicated way to study the Bible, complete with concordances and very academic and scholarly looking. Brent told us though, that it doesn't have to be that complicated. All you hve to do is go to any passage in the Bible, whatever you choose and ask two questions: what does it say about God and what does it say about me? He used Luke 15, the "Lost" chapter of the Bible and Psalm 23 as an example. The way he explained it made a lightbulb go off in my head. When he asked those two questions, then said the answers, and then said that there was a sermon in those answers and questions alone, it clicked. I saw it.

Then I started to feel bad that I hadn't sudied the Bible daily when it was so easy to do. I always knew that I don't have to get anything out of it every time, but I found it difficult to force myself to read when I didn't feel like it and most of the time I wouldn't remember what I had read. Then Merrikay got up there and added a comment to Brent's lesson. She said that a lot of the tiem when she studied the ible she wouldn't remember wht she read, but when she was talking to someone about the Lord a lot of times things that she read would come into her mind and be exactly what she needed.

This is what I need to do. Just read a passage, ask the two questions, take it at face value, and think about it throughout the day or whenever it comes to mind. Maybe will help me deal with Jason at work. Maybe I can tune him out when I need to or maybe I won't get so frustrated when he acts like himself. I'm trying to set a good example for him and maybe reading more will help. I know it will help my relationship with God. I've felt so distant recently. Maybe this is the wakeup call that I need.

Seeing Robyn on Sunday encouraged me as well. She was here telling about her experiences in Germany. She has sucha herat for the Lord and even her Buddhist neighbor recognizes that "when she prays, God listens." She even pointed me out to the group and spoke German to me. I responded in German, of course. I felt so special that she knew my name and remembered me. With so many people that she knows and so many faces that she had seen that day, I figured I'd be on the bottom of the list of people to see. I saw her Sunday morning and she squealed and gave me a huge hug. That is the best feeling in the world. I hope I can live in Germany, even if for a short time, and get to go to language school. I don't even mind washing my trash and separating the metal from the plastic on the ink pens I throw away. It keeps the country beautiful and healthier; I can certainly do my part. I really hope that I can be a light that shines like Robyn, whether in Germany or Russia or stateside. I'm even more pumped about learning German now!

Thank you, Robyn, and thank you, Brent, for making the lightbulb go off and fueling the fire of my passion for Germany. Let's just hope that God reveals the means for me to go to a four-year University and that I am blessed with proficient teachers of the erman language or even bless me with native speakers. Honestly, the prospect of learning German is the only thing keeping me in school motivation wise.

Speaking of missions (which was about two paragraphs ago) please pray for the Russia team. Our leader has had to step down because of family issues and the whole thing feels as if it is going to fall part. We had two other members decide not to go, bringing us to nine people without a leader. We need someone who not only can lead, but whom has been to Russia before. We're not even sure what we're going to do while we're there. We have ideas, but nothing is set in stone (theoretically). Just pray that the team will trust God with the trip and fundraising and not worry about what will happen next. If He wants us to go, He will provide the way. I just keep telling myself that.

Eine schoene Tag haben!

My Summer Project

Happy Mother's Day! Not all of my readers are mothers, but most of them are, and today I salute you and thank you.

I woke up in a fantastic mood today. Yesterday I spent nearly all of my hours awake cleaning my room. I cleaned off my computer desk and moved it into the living room so that my Dad's computer can live on it instead of the kitchen counter. I had decided earlier that when I got it out of my room, I would turn my bed so that I had enough floor space to play DDR. After moving the desk I cleaned out underneath and on top of the trundle (something which hasn't been done in years and years). I vacuumed that space of floor, then turned my bed and vacuumed the rest of the visible floor. I plan on moving my pile of large stuffed penguins and pillows and vacuum underneath that as well. After I finish organizing and putting away the things that I want to keep, I will work on my original desk next. My desk chair currently has three laundry baskets full of crap that I will sort through (and by sort through I mean throw away). The idea is to get everything in my room to a minimum. After the desk, I will work my way around the room to my closet. By the end of this summer, I want my room to be completely clean, keeping only the things that I need and will use. This is my summer project.

I bought Josh's birthday and anniversary presents today. On the off chance that he does read this, I'm not going to list what they are. He comes home on Tuesday and will stay until Sunday. Our three year anniversary of dating is on Wednesday. I cannot wait to see him.

I'm making my first bid on Ebay. I'm trying to buy a SLVR for less than half of the price that I could get it in the store and in a different color. So far I'm winning, but we'll see how it turns out. The bid ends in just under five hours. I really hope I win it!

My Mom has a blog now. I think it'll be pretty interesting to see what she writes about.

I guess that's all for now. I have to work on my room some before lunch is served. Have a great day! Moms, whether or not it is said daily, we really do appreciate all that you do for us kids.

*sigh of exhaustion*

I have had the most emotionally exhausting day today and it started last night before I went to bed. I would rather not say on the worldwide web what the exact situation was. I did gather up courage from somewhere and spoke with Sandy about the incident. She doesn't hate me and she is not in fear of Josh's safety; my biggest fears about the whole situation are no longer fears. All day today I would think about it and think about what I was going to say to her and I would feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Hurt and fear were the two biggest feelings. Josh said he is always there to support me, even if he would have to challenge his mom. But I spoke with her, told her everything I knew regarding the incident and it's ok. She was glad that I came to her and "cleared the air" so to speak. She was glad that I was open and honest. Who knows what she thinks about me; her eyes still had questions and doubt in them. But I can't control what she thinks or believes. I did my part and now it's up to her. I hope that one day she will realize how hard it was and how much it meant for me to initiate the conversation and talk with her. It was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sandy intimidates me incredibly. I am almost scared of her. It's crazy, I know. But whatever.

I had a great time yesterday though. Josh and I went to Scarborough Fair and had a blast! We watched the Birds of Prey demonstration, we watched a poorly-acted, obviously-scripted joust, we rode an elephant, we watched a mud show, we watched a game of human chess (which was unbelievably cool) and we watched a glass-blowing demonstration. We ate fajitas for lunch and ate what they called Italian Ice later that afternoon. The Italian Ice was cool (literally); what it was was a half of an orange with Italian ice cream, almost like sorbet, in a half circle on top. After you finished your ice cream you got to eat the frozen orange half. It was so tasty! Josh bought me a beautiful garland (a wreath that you wear on your head) and wouldn't stop commenting about how gorgeous I looked with it on. I love it when he does that. We had a ton of fun. Next time, we're going to dress up.

After the fair, we went back to Josh's house and played Guitar Hero II with Austin. And we had dinner. And played a new card game.

We went to lunch with my family today. We played God of War for half an hour, then I took Josh back to his house and went to the Russia meeting.

I really want to go see Josh this weekend (and go see Nana - she's having back surgery tomorrow) but the Russia team is preparing box lunches for the picnic next Sunday. I really want to skip it, not because I don't want to be there, but because I want to see Nana and Josh. I'm not sure what I should do. Maybe I can work it out to go down to Austin the weekend after next, that way I can have the best of both worlds. We'll see I suppose.

I have a speech outline to create for tomorrow. It shouldn't take too long. I am so drained. And liable to cry at the drop of a hat. Or just the thought of it. I have no appetite from stress. I think I'll go to bed early. Good night, all.

Ich Fühle Mich Besser

The day after my terrible blog was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I was happy the whole entire day, even after doing not so well on a math test (which I usually get pretty frustrated over). We'll see how I actually did within the next week.

I also found out that one of my really good friends had the exact same feelings on the exact same night that I did. She even thought about calling me, but didn't want to bog me down with all the complaints. I thought about calling her and "venting," but I, too, didn't call because I didn't want to bother her with my petty little grievances. It was very interesting to find out.

I am so glad that the few of you who read this actually care. I am so grateful to you who comment (Lori, Joye, and Robyn, mostly) for giving me an honest opinion. It's really great to have people who have already been there and gone through the same feelings. It also helps that women comment most frequently because they know what the emotional ups and downs are like, either by hormones or some other means. This is wonderful because they know from experience how strong the emotions are and can offer whatever advice they have to me. Hindsight is 2020, they say, which makes it all the better to get advice from people who have the ability to see 2020 in their own lives.

Thank you to all four of my readers for caring and being there for me.

None of my problems have been solved, but I am making a conscious effort to be happy even when things go wrong. I'm also working on not having my famous lecturing of stupid drivers and calling them names when they do something stupid on the road. They can't even hear me - what's the point of fussing at them? As always, I am trying not to compare myself to others, though it is quite difficult at times. I am also trying desperately not to stress over school related things too much. There are only two weeks left of class, then finals, then I will have my break over summer. Two weeks isn't that long. I can handle it. As far as college goes, I'm going to plan minimally, but just take the "cross that bridge when you get there" position. I may end up going to three different colleges, but as long as I graduate and get my masters, I'll be happy.

One thing that bothers me still: people almost constantly ask when Josh and I become the M word. I tell them that I don't know, that it won't be for a long, long, long, long, long, time. It's very irritating not having a general time when he might ask me, but if he hasn't come to that bridge yet, there's nothing for me to worry about. I know what you're thinking; that we're too young to get married. The soonest possible would be in two years. We'd be 22. Even then, it's highly unlikely for that to happen. At least that's what I keep telling myself. It's so hard to not think about it though. I'm working on it. Mostly.

The Russia team met today. I can't wait to go. I am so excited that I almost don't care what we're going to do, as long as we're there. The trip dates are 2 August to 12 August. Some of you may be getting a letter from me before too long.

I would like to thank you all again for your support. Have a good night. Bis später.

Enough is Too Much

I feel as if I'm going to explode.

There is so much weight pounding down on my mind.

Every test or project feels overwhelming.

There's very little motivation left to keep working at school.

Every Sunday I dread going to work. I don't go but on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

When I am at work, the stress in the air is palpable. I think you could catch a jar of it if you wanted to.

Jason always makes fun of me or women or everything else. He also says the F-word too much. If you paid him $10,000 to not say it for an hour, he'd fail. Also, when he's not making fun of me or someone else, he's complaining or telling his far-fetched attention-getter stories.

Torey has been getting more and more stressed and at lower and lower levels he starts getting impatient. Seeing Torey get bogged down so quickly irks me. He used to be the strong one.

I want to quit so badly, but if I'm ever going to go to a university, I need the money. I would much rather work in a veterinary office, but they'd only pay between $6 and $7; a severe pay cut for me.

The Green-eyed Monster of Jealousy comes out every time I think about Josh's position in life. A family that loves him and shows it, too. A family who can afford to send him to the good school. He was just awarded the position of College Scholar (the second highest in the school) for Computer Science. The ability and intelligence to pursue a PhD later in his school career. His siblings love him and are nearly heartbroken when he leaves for school. They are also overjoyed when he comes home for a visit.

It feels as if there's no way out.

I have to work so hard for everything I get and have. What I have is so little. What I want seems impossible; out of reach.

So far out of reach.

Maybe this is just a pity party.

Maybe this is just hormones.

Maybe this is my pain medication wearing off.

Maybe this isn't really as bad as it seems.

Maybe this is from a severe lack of sleep.

Maybe this is all true.

I get so frustrated at myself for comparing myself with other people. But I can't help it.

How can I make myself happy all the time like Josh is?

I want to be happy all the time. I love being happy. Oh how I love being happy.

I'm extremely happy when I'm around Josh.

Why can't I be extremely happy when I'm away from him? What is preventing me?

How do I keep myself from plunging into these mini-depressions?

Is it me?

Or is it something else?

I wish I did not have problems. If I did not have problems, I would not be normal.

I want to learn the lesson and be done with it.

I need love.

A regular stream of it.

Even if it is trickling.

I need it.

I suppose I am needy in that way.

I need attention.

I need encouragement.

I need someone to listen.

This open space is listening.

I need to hear that you love me.

I need to hear that I can do it.

I need to know you care.

I do know you care.

Show me.

Love me.

Thanks for listening.

Maybe I just try too hard.

I try to please.

I try to love.

I try to help.

I try to encourage.

I try to be supportive.

Does it go unheard?

Unseen?

Unfelt?

I just want a little of the same in return.

There it is. My mind, poured out for you.

Tread lightly.

I hurt.

I Love to Singa

I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a,
I love to sing-a,
About a sky of blue-a, or a tea for two-a,
Anything-a with a swing-a to an "I love you-a,"

I love to, I love to sing!

I was born a singin' fool-a,
Lah-de-dah!
Ol' Major Bowes is gonna spot me,
Got through Yale with boula-boula,
Lah-de-dah!
Old microphone's got me!

I love to sing-a,
I love to wake up with the south-a in my mouth-a,
And wave a flag-a,
With a cheer for Uncle Sammy and another for my mammy,
I love to sing!

If I could put the tune on here, I would. I've had this song stuck in my head for the past two days. You gotta love old 30s-40s cartoons. Merrie Melodies, baby!

Observing went well today. I learned about Wiener Schnitzel. Schnitzel means a small cut, such as meat, like a cutlet. Wiener means that it came from Wien, the capital of Österreich; or for you English speakers out there it came from Vienna which is the capital of Austria. Wiener Schnitzel is a piece of veal that has been breaded and fried. There is also a food called Wiener Wurst, which simly means Viennese sausage. Why the Weinerschnitzel food chain serves hot dogs is unknown. Just thought I'd pass along that information.

For you who can speak German: Führen Baumschmerzen zum Waldsterben?

Die Verbuchung

I observed my first class today. I lucked out and got a German teacher (I think I already said that, but just in case...) who teaches all levels of German. Today I observed his German 1 class and his German 2 class. His name is Herr Shade. When I told my Mom about him last Wednesday, her reply was, "Like brunette?" I didn't get it at first. But, I digress.

Both of his classes were fairly well behaved, though his German 2 class was a lot more interactive, with the teacher, each other, and me. One of the girls spoke Ubbi Dubbi (a made up language from a television show) and when she realized that I knew it too, she got all excited. Herr Shade noticed and asked me to introduce myself to her in Ubbi Dubbi to illustrate the language for the class. The two of us had a short conversation, then Herr Shade had me introduce myself to the class in English. It was awesome! I also got a compliment on my toenails; they're painted the colors of the German flag with the whole flag on my big toe.

The only thing I'm not liking about observing the classes is that I find myself wanting to take notes on the lesson. I catch myself thinking, "You need to write that down," but I don't, because I know if I take one note, there will be many more that follow, and that will not help me finish my notebook for education.

Speaking of which, could you pray for my stress levels regarding getting the notebook finished? I had a dream last night that my education teacher came after me with a sledgehammer because my notebook was less than perfect. The notebook is due on the 11th and I MUST have 16 observation hours. This means that I will be observing until the day before the notebook is due and probably pulling an all-nighter to get the notebook finished. I'm trying to do as much as possible as I go to make it easier on myself later. Nevertheless, I am still anxious about it and worried that I won't do well.

Herr Shade, by the way, speaks German like a native. I wish I could record his voice to show you guys. When he speaks German it is so smooth and virtually flawless. It sounds as if he uses no effort when making the most difficult sounds and letter combinations. He's amazing. And I haven't even observed the AP classes yet!

I am dying to take German classes. I want to learn it so badly! There's only so much that one can teach themselves, especially with language. On fire is a tiny bit too strong, but it's the closest thing to describing how much passion I have for learning the language. I only hope that I can be a translator, a good one at that, and maybe be able to be a guest speaker in a high school or something like that.

I couldn't be a teacher. I see the passion that Herr Shade and the other foreign language teachers have for not only the language they teach but for teaching as well. I see that and I know that that certain passion is not present in me. The passion for the language? Yes. The passion for wanting others to learn it? Yes. But the passion to get into the classroom and endure grueling planning sessions, long hours, working at home, and non-instructional duties just makes me turn my nose up at the whole idea. Maybe I need to go for my masters not just for fun, but so that I can be a college professor and teach in that way. I would still have to plan and work long hours, but the non-instructional duties would be fewer, at least from a student's perspective.

I had better scoot and get some more of this notebook stuff finished. Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate the advice and comments. I'll look into that German Bible, Lori. Danke schön! Gute nacht.

And Then There Were None

We are officially a dog-less family today. I woke from a nap today to my Mom knocking on my door. "We're taking Oreo. Do you want to say goodbye?" she asked. She didn't have to say where; I knew. I went and took pictures and a video of Oreo before we left. My parents, William, and I took him to Animal Control. When you hand a dog over, it has four days to get adopted. After the four days, they euthanize the animal. On Wednesday, he'll be dead.
Here are the pictures of him from today:


After taking Oreo, my parents had some errands to run. We dropped stuff off at Goodwill and then took a box of books to the used bookstore. We all took some time to look around the bookstore. I bought three books written in German (to help me learn through sort of immersion). The first is called Alle Meine Träume by Rona Jaffe; the second is called Die Buben der Frau Opterberg by Rudolf Herzog, published in 1931 (though the copyright date is 1920); the third is Neuester Lieder-Kranz für fröhlidje Sänger & Sangesfreunde, indistinguishable author. Die Buben der Frau Opterberg was very interesting to me not only for its age, but also for the fact that it is written in old script (the Olde English style letters), which will be interesting to decipher. The song book, Neuester Lieder-Kranz, is also written in old script and looks to be the eldest of the purchased books.

After we went to the bookstore we took the books that the store didn't buy to Goodwill, then we went to Catfish King and ate crappy catfish.

A classmate of mine reminded me last night that my history teacher has set Monday as the due date for our next four page paper. Similar to the last one we had to write, she has not taught on the subject whatsoever. What is different from the last paper is that the class is about 20 years past this subject, which means that we will all have to teach ourselves everything that we need to know to write this paper. This only adds to the frustration of everything this week.

I had to take my car into the shop on Friday, but I couldn't get it in until noon and they got really busy after I called them at 9:00. They said they would call if they were able to look at my car that afternoon and I didn't receive a call. This means that they won't even look at my car until Monday, which means I will be dependent on Lara for a ride to and from school and on my Dad for a ride to work.

All-in-all, this has been the worst spring break of my entire life.

Something positive: I got a new television. I bought it with my own money. I've been saving for a while and now I finally have it. I got it set up Wednesday. It looks nice in my room. It's a 24" widescreen LCD television. It was on sale at the JCPenny Outlet Store in Grapevine Mills mall. I am so glad that I am able to buy things like this and save most of my money at the same time.

Frustrated

I am extremely frustrated with my mother. I am sick of her selfish attitude and her incessant whining and complaining. It never stops! The thing that has made me angry today concerns our dog.

Our dog Oreo is an elderly dog with severe arthritis problems and allergies. I have come to the realization that his life isn't going to continue for much longer, because my parents can not afford to give him the proper care that he needs. I want to make the rest of his life as comfortable as I can. He hasn't been bathed in months and his fur is full of mats and hasn't been brushed on a regular basis. I had brushed him out almost completely a couple of weeks ago, but was waiting for warmer weather so that I could shave his coat to one inch in length and give him a bath. Well, now it's warmer and I set everything up to shave him and bathe him.

My mother helped me get the shaver set up and she stood there watching as I tried to shave him. She tried for a minute or two and gave up. I thought that maybe we could take him to a groomer and suggested it. She said that she doesn't want to spend any money on him. She said that if I was going to take him to a groomer, I might as well take him to Animal Control and let them put him down. I said that I am tired of treating our dogs like crap and that I want to make him as happy as possible until he goes. She shot back by saying that she found my bird with zero water in his bowl. This was either made up or it happened last week, because I check Sarah's food and water daily. I checked it the day I left for my house sitting job last week and had asked the family to make sure he was taken care of while I was gone. She tried to say that I hadn't changed the paper in his cage in months, but that is also false because I changed it the week I left to house sit. She had nothing else to try and pin me with, so she left the room, leaving me with the dog.

I spent 30 minutes brushing out one side of Oreo's coat (he was laying on his side because he's terrified to be in the kitchen) so that the shaver wouldn't get stuck in his fur quite as bad. I was also having to hold his head down by leaning my arm behind his skull so that he couldn't bite while brushing and attempting to shave him. He had snapped at my mother when she tried shaving him because she wasn't being very gentle. The shaver was still having a hard time and I needed two hands to get the fur to go through the shaver properly, so I called to my mother for help. No answer. I tried again a few minutes later. No answer. I got so frustrated that I let the dog up, picked up all the fur I had brushed out/shaved off and threw it away.

I realized that since I can't to this by myself and that my brothers are to impatient to stay with me and help and my mother is her, that maybe it would be worthwhile to take Oreo to a groomer and pay whatever is necessary to get him shaved and bathed. Then my experience in the veterinary clinic kicked in. Dogs are not allowed at the groomers if they haven't had their shots recently. Oreo hasn't been to the vet since he came into this house. This means that either I take him to the vet and pay about $80 for a well exam and shots and then pay however much it is to get him groomed and bathed, or I do the best that I can with what I have, no matter how horrible he looks when I'm done, or I just leave him the way he is, looking miserable and pathetic. I haven't figured out what to do yet. I don't want to leave him the way he is, but I don't want him to look bad, either. My mother told me not to spend money on him, but it wouldn't be her money that's spent, it would be mine. Besides, with the way she's been acting, the defiance of taking the dog to the vet and groomer would be satisfying, although I'm desperately trying not to let that influence my decision. I'm leaning towards taking him to the vet, but I'll talk to Josh about it and see what he thinks. Maybe I'll ask my Dad and see what he thinks.