Do I Need a Title?

*sigh*

You know how sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying? What do you do when you can't laugh anymore? All I've felt like doing today is crying. I haven't felt good for the past week or so either, so that doesn't help the situation. I haven't been sleeping well and I think that it's because I'm trying not to focus so hard. The only problem is, I think I'm concentrating too hard on not focusing my attention on a certain thing.

This is going to sound dreamy and immature. You're probably going to say that I'm too young to be thinking these thoughts, that I have my whole life to worry about this. I can't get it out of my head though. All I can think about is my wedding and how it won't happen for six years (minimum). All I can think about is being with Josh day and night and how wonderful it will be to take care of him and be with him.

Truly the only thing keeping us from getting the M-word is money. Both of us, when we get there, will be financially independent from our parents completely. The sucky part about that is he wants a PhD at one of the top 10 Computer Science schools. I want to go to a good university, a good language school. There are a couple up in New York; MIT is close to there, but Josh may not pick to go there. I don't want to be more than 5 hours (driving) away from him. I can't afford to fly that often.

My mind keeps developing "good ideas" that would be great aside from finances. Then I start thinking about how wonderful that would be and the time frame that I would have, etc. I thought of a fantastic one in the shower this morning. Then I killed it. I took a knife and I stabbed that idea. I watched it deflate. I watched it bleed. I felt it hurt. I started crying and decided that I would give it away. I prayed right then. I told Him that I want to be happy where I am. I don't want to be non-content not being the six letter F-word (you know, the french one). I want it so badly; I want it right now. Not the ring, the peace of mind that comes with knowing that the ball is rolling, so to speak. But I can't want it. Whenever I want something really bad, I obsess. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because usually I think about it, plan it out, and go about getting it in a logical way. The only problem is that after I do that, I expect it to happen, fairly closely to the way I imagined it. I told Him the plan I came up with a few minutes ago. I told him what I had to do to get rid of it. The way I was praying reminded me of Grace from Bruce Almighty. Desperate, sincere prayer, spoken through hot tears and the mumbles that come from crying.

Now I can't seem to stop. I've prayed twice today for God to take this burden from me, for Him to pry it out of my little fingers. I question my sincerity almost. I only feel worse after this morning. And I still thought about it all day. I'm in a slump and I don't want to be in it. At the same time, I don't know how to get out of it.

I want so many things very badly. I want to get married, I want to go to Germany, I want to move out of my parent's house, I want to go to a great school that's close to Josh's. I'm guessing that I want change. A big change. Maybe I'm just asking the impossible. I don't know. I honestly don't know. I do know that I want to stop hurting and be content. With everything. It can't be too much to ask of the Lord because He's freaking HUGE. He can do whatever He wants. He's all-powerful.

How can I re-train my thinking?

Guatemala Update

Here's the blog I promised, Mom!

Hi everyone! I am writing this from Brandon and Jenny's beautiful home in Xela, Guatemala. So far this trip has been both exciting, tiring, and relaxing all at the same time. We are building bunk beds in two separate rooms, five bunks in each room. We have the bunks in one room completely built and the first coat of varnish was put on this morning. All of the beds in the other room are built, but the bunks haven't been assembled yet.

The scenery here is beautiful! For some reason, I had a tropical environment stuck in my head. The surroundings remind me of Haiti, only without the tropical plants all over the place. The roads are much better than they are in Haiti, but they are still bumpier than at home.

For the Fourth of July, Brandon bought some fireworks. He was told that the Koreans had the best ones, so he went hunting for them. He never did find the Koreans, so he bought the only fireworks he could find. They were Chinese made (it's become a joke amongst the team). Anyway, after dinner, we all went up onto the roof-roof (the house is three stories, but the top story is mostly patio) and wrapped up in blankets in our plastic chairs and watched.

While we waited for Brandon and Nathan to light the fireworks, we watched a lightning storm just past the mountains. The Scotts live in a valley, surrounded by mountains. It's really cool to see the landscape at night because
you can't see the mountains at all and the lights from the houses on top of the mountains can be seen. The lights appear to be floating in midair, almost like those "UFO sightings" that people claim to have photographed.

Anyway, the fireworks were lit and were the professional-style amateur kind. They were beautiful! After all 30 fireworks went off, some sideways, we went off the roof and sat on the patio, huddled around the chiminea, and drank hot Hibiscus tea. Bridget pointed out a few constellations for us and we told funny stories.

The sun comes up here at about 5:00a and sets at around 7:00p. It feels later than it is to us because we're not used to the sun setting until 9:00p.


I experienced my first earthquake today, and it was a long one. It lasted for about 30 seconds. It was only noticeable if you were standing still or sitting down. It was strong enough to make the water in the glasses shake, but it wasn't that bad. Jenny said that there had been much worse, but most of them are tiny tiny like this one was. It was an interesting experience.

I think the hot chocolate is ready, so I'm going to go now. I love you all and miss you all so much!

Mini Post

Danke, meine freundin. Ich fuhle mich ein bisschen jetzt besser. (I don't think I constructed that sentence properly.

I am jealous.

I am still frustrated with co-workers. Torey's starting to get to me too, a little bit, but that's only because he doesn't tell me the important things anymore. Such things as knowing that the cabinets that we were told to ship today weren't being shipped after all... I finished everything by myself and ended up taking a very late lunch because of it. RRRRRRR.

My friend and I are starting to get into a tiff. It's a long story and she'd be pissed at me if I said anything more than this on here. Perhaps if it escalates and I need to talk about it I will. We'll see.

I received notification in the mail today, dated May 23, 2007, that I am an official Dean Scholar! I am one of the top students at NCTC, the letter said. I'm going to take the fancy paper that has the sort-of-folded-from-the-mailbox look to it, stick it in a frame and hang it on the wall in my room. I am so proud of myself! I'M AN HONORS STUDENT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bummed

I feel like a failure. I am not talented in anything. I enjoy lots of things, but I am only mediocre at them all. I can carry a tune and I enjoy singing, but I'm not that great. I enjoy playing the piano, but I never get past the decent level. I love writing, but, let's face it, it sucks. Everything feels almost forced when I try and do it.

When I really blast it when I'm singing, I turn down the music a little and hear myself. That's usually the end of singing right then because I embarrassed myself when I was alone in my car. My ex piano teacher said that I really have something special that could be developed with my playing. Where is it? My English teacher, Souder, has said that I have a great talent for writing. I write the crappiest stuff, full of b.s. and she gives me an A on it. I don't understand what's wrong. If I have a "gift" with this stuff, howcome it sucks? If it's really there, why don't I see it? It's like me being pretty. My boyfriend says I'm beautiful all the time. My friends say that I am and my coworkers are attracted to me. Why is it that when I look in the mirror I don't see the beautiful young woman that everyone else sees? This may just be my hormones talking right now, but it applies nearly all of the time.

The Russia team met at Life's A Beach today to discuss the trip. Since there are only eight people and no one eager to lead the team, the trip has been postponed to late May, 2008. That's a bummer. I was really hoping that God wanted us to go in August, but apparently He has other plans.

I might go to Guatemala in July. That would be awesome.

I was looking up graduation dates on the NCTC website. Just for the heck of it I clicked on the honors lists for Spring 2007. Apparently, I'm a Dean's Scholar. Never knew until just now. I wonder if I am still a Dean's Scholar by next spring if I will get cords for graduation. That is what I've always wanted for my college career - to be on an honors list of some sort. Getting cords at graduation would be the coolest thing ever!

I have to go take care of my little brother. He just tossed his cookies and is now complaining of a headache. Poor little guy.

For You, Deutsch Learners

This post is for those of you out there who have ever attempted to learn German, especially you, Robyn. Josh sent this to me and I thought I would share some of the highlights. It is Appendix D from Mark Twain's book, A Tramp Abroad, published in 1880. I think it is utterly hilarious. Some are too long to share so I have only included the short ones. If you would like the whole document, just let me know and I can e-mail it to you. Enjoy!

"...and when at last he thinks he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over the page and reads, 'Let the pupil make careful note of the following exceptions.' He runs his eye down and finds that there are more exceptions to the rule than instances of it."

"German names almost always do mean something, and this helps to deceive the student. I translated a passage one day, which said that 'the infuriated tigress broke loose and utterly ate up the unfortunate fir forest' (Tannenwald). When I was girding up my loins to doubt this, I found out that Tannenwald in this case was a man's name."

"Every noun has a gender, and there is no sense or system in the distribution; so the gender of each must be learned separately and by heart. There is no other way. ... See how it looks in print -- I translate this from a conversation in one of the best of the German Sunday-school books:
Gretchen: Wilhelm, where is the turnip?
Wilhelm: She has gone to the kitchen.
Gretchen: Where is the accomplished and beautiful English maiden?
Wilhelm: It has gone to the opera."

"And observe the strongest of the several German equivalents for explosion -- Ausbruch. Our word Toothbrush is more powerful than that."

"I would do away with those great long compounded words; or require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for refreshments."

"If it [the German language] is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it."

"A German speaks of an Englishman as the Engländer; to change the sex, he adds inn, and that stands for Englishwoman -- Engländerinn. That seems descriptive enough, but still it is not exact enough for a German; so he precedes the word with that article which indicates that the creature to follow is feminine, and writes it down thus: 'die Engländerinn,' -- which means 'the she-Englishwoman.'"

"In the hospital yesterday, a word of thirteen syllables was successfully removed from a patient -- a North German from near Hamburg; but as most unfortunately the surgeons had opened him in the wrong place, under the impression that he contained a panorama, he died. The sad event has cast a gloom over the whole community."

Here are some of the extremely long words he hated so much:

• Freundschaftsbezeigungen
• Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten
• Stadtverordnetenversammlungen
• Generalstaatsverordentenversammlungen
• Alterhumswissenschaften
• Kinderbewahrungsanstalten
• Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen
• Wiedererstellungbestrebungen
• Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen

And last, but not least:

• Freundschaftsbezeigungenstadtverordnetenversammlungenfamilieneigenthümlichkeiten

Though most of what Herr Twain wrote was negative, he does have a few points that are positive, but they aren't very funny. And, though most of this is negative, it only fuels the fire that I have to learn German. I am excited about the challenge of mastering the language, as much as a foreigner can, anyway. I cannot wait to start taking my official German classes!

Graduations

Belated public congratulations to my brother, John, and to one of my lifelong friends, Angela, for having graduated from High School. Going to graduation ceremonies is always bittersweet for me. They are often very long and somewhat boring, but it is always great watching the seniors walk across the stage with smiling faces and hearing their families cheer for them. I am so proud of these two - they have become fine young adults. They have also helped me grow up and I hope I was/am able to help them grow up. Congrats again, you two!

I love house/dog sitting. I get to play house for however long that I stay there. I get both the freedom and the responsibility and I get to peek into what living on my own is like. I have to buy groceries (if I'm there for more than a week), I have to keep everything clean (well, I don't HAVE to, but it bothers me if I don't), and I have to do other ittle things like water the yard, take out the trash, make sure the dogs are fed and watered, bring in the newspapers and mail, and so on. Nothing makes me feel more like a housewife and I love every minute of it! I can't wait to take care of my husband and (eventually) kids.

Great Week

First off, Josh arrived safely on Tuesday afternoon. He came over to my house and hung out for the rest of the afternoon. We had a great time.



Wednesday was our three year anniversary (of dating). Can you believe it has been three years? My, how time flies. Anyhoo, He came in with a grin on his face and something behind his back. He brought three pink roses in a vase; one for each year we've been together. He had also put a gift in my room, unknown by myself, and surprised me with it later. It was a video game I have been wanting, Guitar Hero II, complete with guitar controller. I gave him a nunchuck controller for his Wii and a game/controller set called Wii Play. He was ecstatic! We played Guitar Hero with John for the rest of the day.



Thursday we went oer to J.P.'s house and hung out with him and Matt. We played Family Guy Monopoly while watching Family Guy. Josh won the game. We also played J.P.'s PS3 for about an hour. Friday evening we went to see Shrek 3 with Sarah and Chase.



Saturday I wnt with the Gunter's to Aunt Kim's house to celebrate Josh's borthday with the family. We went to an Italian restaurant for lunch, then watched Josh open presents and then we went swimming for the rest of the day. When we got back to Josh's, we played his Wii with Austin.

Sunday was an interesting day. In the morning, I picked up Josh and we went to church; I to my meeting and he to service. I went out to eat with the Gunter's at Life's A Beach (great little place, by the way) and then went back to Josh's. We played more Wii and then I helped him pack for Austin. He's staying with Nana and Paw while he continues to work at the ARL (Applied Research Labs).

The interesting thing about Sunday was that I became convicted at the meeting Sunday morning. Brent was talking to us about the two topics assigned for the meeting. I don't remember what the first one was - I walked in halfway through it. The second, though, was about Bible study and how if you haven't formed the habit before you leave for the trip, you will tend not to turn to the Bible on the trip, or be confused about where to go or what to do when you get there. There was a complicated way to study the Bible, complete with concordances and very academic and scholarly looking. Brent told us though, that it doesn't have to be that complicated. All you hve to do is go to any passage in the Bible, whatever you choose and ask two questions: what does it say about God and what does it say about me? He used Luke 15, the "Lost" chapter of the Bible and Psalm 23 as an example. The way he explained it made a lightbulb go off in my head. When he asked those two questions, then said the answers, and then said that there was a sermon in those answers and questions alone, it clicked. I saw it.

Then I started to feel bad that I hadn't sudied the Bible daily when it was so easy to do. I always knew that I don't have to get anything out of it every time, but I found it difficult to force myself to read when I didn't feel like it and most of the time I wouldn't remember what I had read. Then Merrikay got up there and added a comment to Brent's lesson. She said that a lot of the tiem when she studied the ible she wouldn't remember wht she read, but when she was talking to someone about the Lord a lot of times things that she read would come into her mind and be exactly what she needed.

This is what I need to do. Just read a passage, ask the two questions, take it at face value, and think about it throughout the day or whenever it comes to mind. Maybe will help me deal with Jason at work. Maybe I can tune him out when I need to or maybe I won't get so frustrated when he acts like himself. I'm trying to set a good example for him and maybe reading more will help. I know it will help my relationship with God. I've felt so distant recently. Maybe this is the wakeup call that I need.

Seeing Robyn on Sunday encouraged me as well. She was here telling about her experiences in Germany. She has sucha herat for the Lord and even her Buddhist neighbor recognizes that "when she prays, God listens." She even pointed me out to the group and spoke German to me. I responded in German, of course. I felt so special that she knew my name and remembered me. With so many people that she knows and so many faces that she had seen that day, I figured I'd be on the bottom of the list of people to see. I saw her Sunday morning and she squealed and gave me a huge hug. That is the best feeling in the world. I hope I can live in Germany, even if for a short time, and get to go to language school. I don't even mind washing my trash and separating the metal from the plastic on the ink pens I throw away. It keeps the country beautiful and healthier; I can certainly do my part. I really hope that I can be a light that shines like Robyn, whether in Germany or Russia or stateside. I'm even more pumped about learning German now!

Thank you, Robyn, and thank you, Brent, for making the lightbulb go off and fueling the fire of my passion for Germany. Let's just hope that God reveals the means for me to go to a four-year University and that I am blessed with proficient teachers of the erman language or even bless me with native speakers. Honestly, the prospect of learning German is the only thing keeping me in school motivation wise.

Speaking of missions (which was about two paragraphs ago) please pray for the Russia team. Our leader has had to step down because of family issues and the whole thing feels as if it is going to fall part. We had two other members decide not to go, bringing us to nine people without a leader. We need someone who not only can lead, but whom has been to Russia before. We're not even sure what we're going to do while we're there. We have ideas, but nothing is set in stone (theoretically). Just pray that the team will trust God with the trip and fundraising and not worry about what will happen next. If He wants us to go, He will provide the way. I just keep telling myself that.

Eine schoene Tag haben!

My Summer Project

Happy Mother's Day! Not all of my readers are mothers, but most of them are, and today I salute you and thank you.

I woke up in a fantastic mood today. Yesterday I spent nearly all of my hours awake cleaning my room. I cleaned off my computer desk and moved it into the living room so that my Dad's computer can live on it instead of the kitchen counter. I had decided earlier that when I got it out of my room, I would turn my bed so that I had enough floor space to play DDR. After moving the desk I cleaned out underneath and on top of the trundle (something which hasn't been done in years and years). I vacuumed that space of floor, then turned my bed and vacuumed the rest of the visible floor. I plan on moving my pile of large stuffed penguins and pillows and vacuum underneath that as well. After I finish organizing and putting away the things that I want to keep, I will work on my original desk next. My desk chair currently has three laundry baskets full of crap that I will sort through (and by sort through I mean throw away). The idea is to get everything in my room to a minimum. After the desk, I will work my way around the room to my closet. By the end of this summer, I want my room to be completely clean, keeping only the things that I need and will use. This is my summer project.

I bought Josh's birthday and anniversary presents today. On the off chance that he does read this, I'm not going to list what they are. He comes home on Tuesday and will stay until Sunday. Our three year anniversary of dating is on Wednesday. I cannot wait to see him.

I'm making my first bid on Ebay. I'm trying to buy a SLVR for less than half of the price that I could get it in the store and in a different color. So far I'm winning, but we'll see how it turns out. The bid ends in just under five hours. I really hope I win it!

My Mom has a blog now. I think it'll be pretty interesting to see what she writes about.

I guess that's all for now. I have to work on my room some before lunch is served. Have a great day! Moms, whether or not it is said daily, we really do appreciate all that you do for us kids.

*sigh of exhaustion*

I have had the most emotionally exhausting day today and it started last night before I went to bed. I would rather not say on the worldwide web what the exact situation was. I did gather up courage from somewhere and spoke with Sandy about the incident. She doesn't hate me and she is not in fear of Josh's safety; my biggest fears about the whole situation are no longer fears. All day today I would think about it and think about what I was going to say to her and I would feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Hurt and fear were the two biggest feelings. Josh said he is always there to support me, even if he would have to challenge his mom. But I spoke with her, told her everything I knew regarding the incident and it's ok. She was glad that I came to her and "cleared the air" so to speak. She was glad that I was open and honest. Who knows what she thinks about me; her eyes still had questions and doubt in them. But I can't control what she thinks or believes. I did my part and now it's up to her. I hope that one day she will realize how hard it was and how much it meant for me to initiate the conversation and talk with her. It was seriously one of the hardest things I have ever done. Sandy intimidates me incredibly. I am almost scared of her. It's crazy, I know. But whatever.

I had a great time yesterday though. Josh and I went to Scarborough Fair and had a blast! We watched the Birds of Prey demonstration, we watched a poorly-acted, obviously-scripted joust, we rode an elephant, we watched a mud show, we watched a game of human chess (which was unbelievably cool) and we watched a glass-blowing demonstration. We ate fajitas for lunch and ate what they called Italian Ice later that afternoon. The Italian Ice was cool (literally); what it was was a half of an orange with Italian ice cream, almost like sorbet, in a half circle on top. After you finished your ice cream you got to eat the frozen orange half. It was so tasty! Josh bought me a beautiful garland (a wreath that you wear on your head) and wouldn't stop commenting about how gorgeous I looked with it on. I love it when he does that. We had a ton of fun. Next time, we're going to dress up.

After the fair, we went back to Josh's house and played Guitar Hero II with Austin. And we had dinner. And played a new card game.

We went to lunch with my family today. We played God of War for half an hour, then I took Josh back to his house and went to the Russia meeting.

I really want to go see Josh this weekend (and go see Nana - she's having back surgery tomorrow) but the Russia team is preparing box lunches for the picnic next Sunday. I really want to skip it, not because I don't want to be there, but because I want to see Nana and Josh. I'm not sure what I should do. Maybe I can work it out to go down to Austin the weekend after next, that way I can have the best of both worlds. We'll see I suppose.

I have a speech outline to create for tomorrow. It shouldn't take too long. I am so drained. And liable to cry at the drop of a hat. Or just the thought of it. I have no appetite from stress. I think I'll go to bed early. Good night, all.

Ich Fühle Mich Besser

The day after my terrible blog was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I was happy the whole entire day, even after doing not so well on a math test (which I usually get pretty frustrated over). We'll see how I actually did within the next week.

I also found out that one of my really good friends had the exact same feelings on the exact same night that I did. She even thought about calling me, but didn't want to bog me down with all the complaints. I thought about calling her and "venting," but I, too, didn't call because I didn't want to bother her with my petty little grievances. It was very interesting to find out.

I am so glad that the few of you who read this actually care. I am so grateful to you who comment (Lori, Joye, and Robyn, mostly) for giving me an honest opinion. It's really great to have people who have already been there and gone through the same feelings. It also helps that women comment most frequently because they know what the emotional ups and downs are like, either by hormones or some other means. This is wonderful because they know from experience how strong the emotions are and can offer whatever advice they have to me. Hindsight is 2020, they say, which makes it all the better to get advice from people who have the ability to see 2020 in their own lives.

Thank you to all four of my readers for caring and being there for me.

None of my problems have been solved, but I am making a conscious effort to be happy even when things go wrong. I'm also working on not having my famous lecturing of stupid drivers and calling them names when they do something stupid on the road. They can't even hear me - what's the point of fussing at them? As always, I am trying not to compare myself to others, though it is quite difficult at times. I am also trying desperately not to stress over school related things too much. There are only two weeks left of class, then finals, then I will have my break over summer. Two weeks isn't that long. I can handle it. As far as college goes, I'm going to plan minimally, but just take the "cross that bridge when you get there" position. I may end up going to three different colleges, but as long as I graduate and get my masters, I'll be happy.

One thing that bothers me still: people almost constantly ask when Josh and I become the M word. I tell them that I don't know, that it won't be for a long, long, long, long, long, time. It's very irritating not having a general time when he might ask me, but if he hasn't come to that bridge yet, there's nothing for me to worry about. I know what you're thinking; that we're too young to get married. The soonest possible would be in two years. We'd be 22. Even then, it's highly unlikely for that to happen. At least that's what I keep telling myself. It's so hard to not think about it though. I'm working on it. Mostly.

The Russia team met today. I can't wait to go. I am so excited that I almost don't care what we're going to do, as long as we're there. The trip dates are 2 August to 12 August. Some of you may be getting a letter from me before too long.

I would like to thank you all again for your support. Have a good night. Bis später.

Enough is Too Much

I feel as if I'm going to explode.

There is so much weight pounding down on my mind.

Every test or project feels overwhelming.

There's very little motivation left to keep working at school.

Every Sunday I dread going to work. I don't go but on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

When I am at work, the stress in the air is palpable. I think you could catch a jar of it if you wanted to.

Jason always makes fun of me or women or everything else. He also says the F-word too much. If you paid him $10,000 to not say it for an hour, he'd fail. Also, when he's not making fun of me or someone else, he's complaining or telling his far-fetched attention-getter stories.

Torey has been getting more and more stressed and at lower and lower levels he starts getting impatient. Seeing Torey get bogged down so quickly irks me. He used to be the strong one.

I want to quit so badly, but if I'm ever going to go to a university, I need the money. I would much rather work in a veterinary office, but they'd only pay between $6 and $7; a severe pay cut for me.

The Green-eyed Monster of Jealousy comes out every time I think about Josh's position in life. A family that loves him and shows it, too. A family who can afford to send him to the good school. He was just awarded the position of College Scholar (the second highest in the school) for Computer Science. The ability and intelligence to pursue a PhD later in his school career. His siblings love him and are nearly heartbroken when he leaves for school. They are also overjoyed when he comes home for a visit.

It feels as if there's no way out.

I have to work so hard for everything I get and have. What I have is so little. What I want seems impossible; out of reach.

So far out of reach.

Maybe this is just a pity party.

Maybe this is just hormones.

Maybe this is my pain medication wearing off.

Maybe this isn't really as bad as it seems.

Maybe this is from a severe lack of sleep.

Maybe this is all true.

I get so frustrated at myself for comparing myself with other people. But I can't help it.

How can I make myself happy all the time like Josh is?

I want to be happy all the time. I love being happy. Oh how I love being happy.

I'm extremely happy when I'm around Josh.

Why can't I be extremely happy when I'm away from him? What is preventing me?

How do I keep myself from plunging into these mini-depressions?

Is it me?

Or is it something else?

I wish I did not have problems. If I did not have problems, I would not be normal.

I want to learn the lesson and be done with it.

I need love.

A regular stream of it.

Even if it is trickling.

I need it.

I suppose I am needy in that way.

I need attention.

I need encouragement.

I need someone to listen.

This open space is listening.

I need to hear that you love me.

I need to hear that I can do it.

I need to know you care.

I do know you care.

Show me.

Love me.

Thanks for listening.

Maybe I just try too hard.

I try to please.

I try to love.

I try to help.

I try to encourage.

I try to be supportive.

Does it go unheard?

Unseen?

Unfelt?

I just want a little of the same in return.

There it is. My mind, poured out for you.

Tread lightly.

I hurt.

I Love to Singa

I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a,
I love to sing-a,
About a sky of blue-a, or a tea for two-a,
Anything-a with a swing-a to an "I love you-a,"

I love to, I love to sing!

I was born a singin' fool-a,
Lah-de-dah!
Ol' Major Bowes is gonna spot me,
Got through Yale with boula-boula,
Lah-de-dah!
Old microphone's got me!

I love to sing-a,
I love to wake up with the south-a in my mouth-a,
And wave a flag-a,
With a cheer for Uncle Sammy and another for my mammy,
I love to sing!

If I could put the tune on here, I would. I've had this song stuck in my head for the past two days. You gotta love old 30s-40s cartoons. Merrie Melodies, baby!

Observing went well today. I learned about Wiener Schnitzel. Schnitzel means a small cut, such as meat, like a cutlet. Wiener means that it came from Wien, the capital of Österreich; or for you English speakers out there it came from Vienna which is the capital of Austria. Wiener Schnitzel is a piece of veal that has been breaded and fried. There is also a food called Wiener Wurst, which simly means Viennese sausage. Why the Weinerschnitzel food chain serves hot dogs is unknown. Just thought I'd pass along that information.

For you who can speak German: Führen Baumschmerzen zum Waldsterben?

Die Verbuchung

I observed my first class today. I lucked out and got a German teacher (I think I already said that, but just in case...) who teaches all levels of German. Today I observed his German 1 class and his German 2 class. His name is Herr Shade. When I told my Mom about him last Wednesday, her reply was, "Like brunette?" I didn't get it at first. But, I digress.

Both of his classes were fairly well behaved, though his German 2 class was a lot more interactive, with the teacher, each other, and me. One of the girls spoke Ubbi Dubbi (a made up language from a television show) and when she realized that I knew it too, she got all excited. Herr Shade noticed and asked me to introduce myself to her in Ubbi Dubbi to illustrate the language for the class. The two of us had a short conversation, then Herr Shade had me introduce myself to the class in English. It was awesome! I also got a compliment on my toenails; they're painted the colors of the German flag with the whole flag on my big toe.

The only thing I'm not liking about observing the classes is that I find myself wanting to take notes on the lesson. I catch myself thinking, "You need to write that down," but I don't, because I know if I take one note, there will be many more that follow, and that will not help me finish my notebook for education.

Speaking of which, could you pray for my stress levels regarding getting the notebook finished? I had a dream last night that my education teacher came after me with a sledgehammer because my notebook was less than perfect. The notebook is due on the 11th and I MUST have 16 observation hours. This means that I will be observing until the day before the notebook is due and probably pulling an all-nighter to get the notebook finished. I'm trying to do as much as possible as I go to make it easier on myself later. Nevertheless, I am still anxious about it and worried that I won't do well.

Herr Shade, by the way, speaks German like a native. I wish I could record his voice to show you guys. When he speaks German it is so smooth and virtually flawless. It sounds as if he uses no effort when making the most difficult sounds and letter combinations. He's amazing. And I haven't even observed the AP classes yet!

I am dying to take German classes. I want to learn it so badly! There's only so much that one can teach themselves, especially with language. On fire is a tiny bit too strong, but it's the closest thing to describing how much passion I have for learning the language. I only hope that I can be a translator, a good one at that, and maybe be able to be a guest speaker in a high school or something like that.

I couldn't be a teacher. I see the passion that Herr Shade and the other foreign language teachers have for not only the language they teach but for teaching as well. I see that and I know that that certain passion is not present in me. The passion for the language? Yes. The passion for wanting others to learn it? Yes. But the passion to get into the classroom and endure grueling planning sessions, long hours, working at home, and non-instructional duties just makes me turn my nose up at the whole idea. Maybe I need to go for my masters not just for fun, but so that I can be a college professor and teach in that way. I would still have to plan and work long hours, but the non-instructional duties would be fewer, at least from a student's perspective.

I had better scoot and get some more of this notebook stuff finished. Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate the advice and comments. I'll look into that German Bible, Lori. Danke schön! Gute nacht.

And Then There Were None

We are officially a dog-less family today. I woke from a nap today to my Mom knocking on my door. "We're taking Oreo. Do you want to say goodbye?" she asked. She didn't have to say where; I knew. I went and took pictures and a video of Oreo before we left. My parents, William, and I took him to Animal Control. When you hand a dog over, it has four days to get adopted. After the four days, they euthanize the animal. On Wednesday, he'll be dead.
Here are the pictures of him from today:


After taking Oreo, my parents had some errands to run. We dropped stuff off at Goodwill and then took a box of books to the used bookstore. We all took some time to look around the bookstore. I bought three books written in German (to help me learn through sort of immersion). The first is called Alle Meine Träume by Rona Jaffe; the second is called Die Buben der Frau Opterberg by Rudolf Herzog, published in 1931 (though the copyright date is 1920); the third is Neuester Lieder-Kranz für fröhlidje Sänger & Sangesfreunde, indistinguishable author. Die Buben der Frau Opterberg was very interesting to me not only for its age, but also for the fact that it is written in old script (the Olde English style letters), which will be interesting to decipher. The song book, Neuester Lieder-Kranz, is also written in old script and looks to be the eldest of the purchased books.

After we went to the bookstore we took the books that the store didn't buy to Goodwill, then we went to Catfish King and ate crappy catfish.

A classmate of mine reminded me last night that my history teacher has set Monday as the due date for our next four page paper. Similar to the last one we had to write, she has not taught on the subject whatsoever. What is different from the last paper is that the class is about 20 years past this subject, which means that we will all have to teach ourselves everything that we need to know to write this paper. This only adds to the frustration of everything this week.

I had to take my car into the shop on Friday, but I couldn't get it in until noon and they got really busy after I called them at 9:00. They said they would call if they were able to look at my car that afternoon and I didn't receive a call. This means that they won't even look at my car until Monday, which means I will be dependent on Lara for a ride to and from school and on my Dad for a ride to work.

All-in-all, this has been the worst spring break of my entire life.

Something positive: I got a new television. I bought it with my own money. I've been saving for a while and now I finally have it. I got it set up Wednesday. It looks nice in my room. It's a 24" widescreen LCD television. It was on sale at the JCPenny Outlet Store in Grapevine Mills mall. I am so glad that I am able to buy things like this and save most of my money at the same time.

Frustrated

I am extremely frustrated with my mother. I am sick of her selfish attitude and her incessant whining and complaining. It never stops! The thing that has made me angry today concerns our dog.

Our dog Oreo is an elderly dog with severe arthritis problems and allergies. I have come to the realization that his life isn't going to continue for much longer, because my parents can not afford to give him the proper care that he needs. I want to make the rest of his life as comfortable as I can. He hasn't been bathed in months and his fur is full of mats and hasn't been brushed on a regular basis. I had brushed him out almost completely a couple of weeks ago, but was waiting for warmer weather so that I could shave his coat to one inch in length and give him a bath. Well, now it's warmer and I set everything up to shave him and bathe him.

My mother helped me get the shaver set up and she stood there watching as I tried to shave him. She tried for a minute or two and gave up. I thought that maybe we could take him to a groomer and suggested it. She said that she doesn't want to spend any money on him. She said that if I was going to take him to a groomer, I might as well take him to Animal Control and let them put him down. I said that I am tired of treating our dogs like crap and that I want to make him as happy as possible until he goes. She shot back by saying that she found my bird with zero water in his bowl. This was either made up or it happened last week, because I check Sarah's food and water daily. I checked it the day I left for my house sitting job last week and had asked the family to make sure he was taken care of while I was gone. She tried to say that I hadn't changed the paper in his cage in months, but that is also false because I changed it the week I left to house sit. She had nothing else to try and pin me with, so she left the room, leaving me with the dog.

I spent 30 minutes brushing out one side of Oreo's coat (he was laying on his side because he's terrified to be in the kitchen) so that the shaver wouldn't get stuck in his fur quite as bad. I was also having to hold his head down by leaning my arm behind his skull so that he couldn't bite while brushing and attempting to shave him. He had snapped at my mother when she tried shaving him because she wasn't being very gentle. The shaver was still having a hard time and I needed two hands to get the fur to go through the shaver properly, so I called to my mother for help. No answer. I tried again a few minutes later. No answer. I got so frustrated that I let the dog up, picked up all the fur I had brushed out/shaved off and threw it away.

I realized that since I can't to this by myself and that my brothers are to impatient to stay with me and help and my mother is her, that maybe it would be worthwhile to take Oreo to a groomer and pay whatever is necessary to get him shaved and bathed. Then my experience in the veterinary clinic kicked in. Dogs are not allowed at the groomers if they haven't had their shots recently. Oreo hasn't been to the vet since he came into this house. This means that either I take him to the vet and pay about $80 for a well exam and shots and then pay however much it is to get him groomed and bathed, or I do the best that I can with what I have, no matter how horrible he looks when I'm done, or I just leave him the way he is, looking miserable and pathetic. I haven't figured out what to do yet. I don't want to leave him the way he is, but I don't want him to look bad, either. My mother told me not to spend money on him, but it wouldn't be her money that's spent, it would be mine. Besides, with the way she's been acting, the defiance of taking the dog to the vet and groomer would be satisfying, although I'm desperately trying not to let that influence my decision. I'm leaning towards taking him to the vet, but I'll talk to Josh about it and see what he thinks. Maybe I'll ask my Dad and see what he thinks.

Time is Lacking

I really wish there were more hours in the day so I could get more stuff done.

I went rollerblading yesterday afternoon with my brother. The wind was so constant and strong that the sky turned orange with dust. There were wind gusts of up to 65 mph. Needless to say, I got knocked over by the wind once. I hit the grass really hard and skinned up my knees really bad. I hit the ground so hard I had grass stains. It was fun though. Good workout.

Work is going ok. I'm going to apply at Starbucks on Monday. They give their employees good insurance, which is what I'll need when I take off school next year. I might end up going for an associate's if NCTC has one that corresponds with my major, but if they don't then I'm screwed for insurance. If I don't take 12 hours of school, my parent's insurance company(ies) won't cover me anymore since I'm over 18. There are a lot more pro's, but I don't feel like writing them out. There are only a couple of con's, which makes the idea that much better.

I get to see my boyfriend this weekend. I'm outrageously excited about that. Nana is even letting me cook on Saturday. I'm making my Spicy Chicken Spaghetti for them. It's going to be awesome!

School is going well. I'm really enjoying math. I learned how to do Karnaugh maps from Josh and now I feel really smart. I'm really enjoying my history class, though I do wish there were more than 3 tests in the class for the whole semester. My education class (Intro to Teaching) is going ok. I haven't started my observation hours yet. I have to do 16 before the end of the semester and I'm worried that I won't have enough time to get them all in.

I forgot about the observation hours. I may start Starbucks in the summer.

I have homework to do. It's not due until the end of the week, but if I do it now, that means more play time during the week. Tschüss!

Wow

Time flies when you're busy...or something.

I regret not having more time to spend whining about my life, but it's probably best for your sanity that I don't. There's so much that's been going on lately. I could write for an hour and still not be able to tell you everything on my mind/what's been going on. Maybe I can find time sometime soon. Not this weekend though because I have to pick Mom, Dad, and John up from the airport (they're returning from Haiti this weekend) and I have to get William from Grandma's house. I'm going to be so sick of the car. :P

I just set up a facebook account. I'm pretty excited about that one.

I'm nodding off as I type, so I think I'll head to bed. 8 o'clock classes demand sleep. Gute nacht.

Things on my mind...

NaNoWriMo
National Novel Writing Month. Founded by a man named Chris Baty, it is a contest of sorts to write a 50,000 word novel in just one month, worst case scenario, 30 days. He wrote a book about it called No Plot? No Problem! which gives advice to those wishing to attempt the feat advice on how to find time, how to prepare, and a week by week this-is-what-you'll-be-going-through-and-how-to-fix-it section. I'm reading the book to prepare and get ideas and support. NaNoWriMo is usually in November, but since I found out about the last few days of November, I'll have to choose my own month. I would have done December, but it's already three days into the month and, according to plan, I should have 5,001 words written and I have nothing so far. I'm choosing January to be my NaNoWriMo, that way I have time to prepare and warn everyone where my free time (ha!) will be spent. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll just start writing down ideas and I'll be able to run with it. Who knows?

Flute
Tonight I was hanging out with some friends of mine and between the three of us the piano, recorder, and flute were played. My friend, Ruth, who has played flute for 8 years and currently teaches flute lesssons graciously offered me her flute and taught me how to play it. I had been complimenting her and saying how I could never quite get it down when I had tried before, so she taught me how to do it. I played three notes, high and low, and I even trilled! Ruth was telling me how amazed she was that I "found my spot" (the place to hold your mouth to make the sound) and held it rather well, something that she couldn't nail for a year and her current student is still having problems with. She said I was a natural. After that and watching her play with Jordan, who plays the piano, and her boyfriend Ryan, who also plays the piano, makes me want to learn how to play the flute. I'm actually seriously considering taking lessons from Ruth like she so casually suggested to me. We'll see.

Living Arrangements
Apartment or On-Campus Housing? This is the question that has been rolling around in my mind for the past week or so. I see benefits and disadvantages to both. If I were to move into an apartment, I would want at least two roommates, but finding a third person is proving to be tricky. That and I have to convince the already "roommate" to allow a third person. Living on-campus (in Arlington) would give me the dorm experience, plus the convenience of not having to cook/buy my own food, wake up way, way early in the morning just to make class, the saving of gas by not commuting, etc. The disadvantages are, one, not knowing who I'd room with. Private rooms are available, but that wouldn't give me the complete "dorm experience." If I did start taking flute lessons, it'd be a heck of a drive. Two, I'd be living in Arlington. It's not known for it's safety, I can tell you that much. I haven't visited campus yet to know how protected it is, IF it is. Three, I'd be farther away from my friends, so I'd have to make trips to go see them. Four, I wouldn't be able to use the dishes and kitchen things that I've already bought for the apartment.

The advantages of an apartment would be that I have my own space, I choose which town I live in, I'd be closer to my friends and church, I wouldn't have to bother my parents by coming home every weekend to go to church, and such other things. Disadvantages would be having to pay bills every month, having to commute to school, having to cook and buy groceries, clean up (vacuum, mop, dust, etc.), and such things related to having an apartment.

I know that if I do get an apartment that it will be very unlikely for me to live on-campus ever. I'm having a very hard time making up my mind about this. I could handle either one, no doubt, I just have to decide which one I want. It's a tough decision. Plus I don't want to hurt the feelings of my friend whom I'd get an apartment with, though I'm trying not to let that sway what I want. It's hard.

Those are the main things that have been on my mind recently. Those, and I wish I were only a few years older so that my dream could finally come true. Once again, we'll see.

Have a great day, everyone, and I will talk to you all later. Tschüss!

Needing Advice

Is it possible to be good friends with an ex-boyfriend? Details are extensive and certainly play a giant role in my thinking, but I wanted to see the answer to the general question. Please, if you have anything you want to ask about this, please, please call me - I really want to know your thoughts and any advice that you might have.

It's Been A While

Wow. Two months. Too long for me to be gone. So much has been going on. Life is hectic, proven by how often I have time to update this thing. We'll try going through each catagory of life for me and see what happens.

School is going ok. I'm tired of this semester. It's not going anything like I expected it to. I expected my favorite classes to be English and math and for me to have to drag myself to government and biology. As it turns out, biology is my favorite class, work-wise. My English teacher, Donna Souder, still holds the title for favorite teacher. I am sad that I won't be taking any of her classes next semester - they're all literature classes (aside from the Comp II class that I already took) and this semester in World Lit II has proven that I do not do well with literature, that writing is most definitely my strong point. I'm not doing terrible grade-wise, but then again, I don't have my grade for government yet. >:|

Work has been alright. I talked with Ed about Rob staring at me and checking me out and he had a talk with him and Rob actually treats me like a person now. It's great! I found out yesterday that two of my co-workers have put in their two weeks notice. One of them I was surprised about; I hadn't expected him to quit. He's a good worker and a great guy. It'll be tough without him.

Joshua is doing wonderfully. His school is going well for him and we've had several opportunities to visit each other since he went off to school. He and I as a couple are doing fantastic. It'll be two and a half years on November 16! It feels like it's been longer than that, but that's usually how it goes, right?

I got to meet Joshua's grandparents, his mom's mother and her husband, last week. They are so cute! His grandpa always called me "Miss Julie" and loved talking to me. The cool thing was that he remembered what I said I was interested in. He'd ask me questions and then tell me something later that related to my answer. For instance, I told him that I was interested in being a verbal translator for German when he asked me what I was going to do with my German degree. An hour or two later, during dinner, he told me about this author who wrote letters while he was in prison in Germany during World War II. This guy had lived in America and when he heard that his family was being persecuted, he went into Germany to try and help them. He found himself in jail and it was interesting because he could look outside the window and watch buildings explode from bombings. The only problem is that the author's name has escaped my memory, so I can't buy the book. I'll have to have Todd (Joshua's dad) e-mail Grandpa and get that author's name from him.

Something interesting happened not too long ago. My ex-boyfriend, T.J., messaged me on instant messenger. I hadn't heard from him in over a year. It was shocking to me for him to contact me because last I talked to him, he was quite bitter still. He said that he remembered my screen name and figured he'd see how I was doing. That and he wanted to confess. Apparently when we were going out he had felt up and made out with one of my friends. It took him a long time to get over his guilt, which looked like bitterness to everyone else. The only reason I believe him is because 1: he had never lied to me before, 2: if he was trying to get an ego boost from his little story, he ruined his opportunities to get ego boosts several times throughout the conversation following, 3: if he was lying, he would have told me the story when I broke up with him, just to hurt me, 4: if the story was made up, why was he so guilty (it took him forever to finally tell me) about something that never happened? It's interesting because after he told me he's been messaging me and converses relatively easily. He told me all about this girl that he's interested in, all about her life story and such things. I even got to talk to her and T.J. at the same time; we did so for about three hours while I was working on a paper for government.

I'm not sure what to think about me talking to him though. I always wait for him to talk to me first and I am very alert to what he says and to what I say. It's weird though because he talks to me like we've been friends for years. I'm not the type of girl that hates all men after a break up. If my ex and I can be friends still, go for it, if you can't, then oh well. I'm just not sure if I should follow my own advice anymore. I'm going to talk to Joshua about it as soon as I can. I haven't yet because we've both been busy and haven't had the time for a good conversation. We'll see what he says.

Apartments are still up in the air. The complex Lara and I were wanting to move into turns out to be a bad one, told to us by someone who used to live there. I'm not sure where we'll go yet. I thought about trying to find some apartments in Carrollton, since they're cheaper over there. The only problem is, I don't know if that would be a central enough location. I suppose it's better to drive a little further to get a cheaper/better apartment, but still. I haven't spoken with Lara about the apartments recently. Now that my hours have been cut back at work, I'm not making as much money as I used to, so I don't even know if I can afford to move out at all. The thought saddens me, but what's a couple more years at home? The worst case scenario is that I'll live on campus at UTA and visit home every weekend and save my money so that I can move out whenever I can afford it. *shrug* I'll figure something out.

I've been pining for Germany recently. I just want to go so badly. I want to be there to see the people, to hear the language, to learn about the culture, to be engulfed by the scenery of the mountains around me... The longing in my heart grows stronger the more I think about being there. I dreamed of being in Germany and Austria last night; it was beautiful. I really want to go. I'll get my chance soon enough.

Well, I have a paper to write for English, so I'd better go. Sorry it's been so long since I updated. I'll try and update more frequently. Have a great day! :D

An Ego Boost

For English class we were given an assignment. We had to mimic either Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" or Alexander Pope's "The Rape of the Lock." I chose to mimic Jonathan Swift, simply because I couldn't figure out for the life of me what Pope was saying. I only knew what his piece was about because Mrs. Souder had told us. Anyhoo, I've been rushed with homework all week this week, so any assignment that was due on one day was completed the night before. I started thinking of my ideas at work when I was bored (which is a lot) and ran through most of the paper in my head. I got home, typed in up in only a couple of hours, and sent it in, just 30 minutes before the due time. I hate having to do that, but when it's necessary, it must be done. Anyway, Mrs. Souder liked it so much that she read it in front of the class as an example. She told the class that it was the closest possible thing to actually being the real work and that I displayed all of the elements of satire perfectly. Of course, my ego was swelling with every word. Here's the piece if you should like to read it, that and I'd like to show off a little bit. It's not every day that I come up with something like this. It also gets some frustrations with work made a little more inconspicuously public.

A Simple Proposition

By Julie Hawkins

Inspired by “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift

A cure for the disease which plagues the majority of those who work for a living, also promoting a healthy working environment to benefit the health of those involved.

It is sad to say that when the people on the streets of America are questioned, the majority of them respond that no, they aren’t happy with their place of work. They dread going to work in the morning. They almost dread the weekends, knowing that work is just around the corner again. Those who only have one day off are sicker than the others because they have greater exposure to the disease.

There are approximately 297,000,000 people living in the United States of America. Of those, 38,000,000 are over the age of 65 and are either retired or too weak to work. There are 61,000,000 people who are age 14 and under who are legally too young to work, leaving 198,000,000 people who are of age to work. From this number remove the sick, unemployed, and those who enjoy their jobs, which is 57,000,000 and that leaves 141,000,000 people who work for a living and thus are exposed to the disease.

When the workplace is visited, the worker bees work daily with tired eyes, a sore head, and muscle pains from not only working overtime, but also from daily, unavoidable conversations. The worker bees grow physically sick because of stress alone, stress they acquire at their places of work. These are all typical symptoms of the disease that has swept the nation.

The disease is, in short, is insufficient bosses, managers, the higher-ups, the management. They are insufficient, not because their numbers are small, but because they either lack intelligence, friendliness, the ability to lead others in a way that benefits the company as a whole, the ability to do whatever work is needed of him to help the company to prosper financially and to keep those under him as content as possible, and also lacks the ability to limit self desires in order to make the company the smoothest-running and most prosperous company that he can. This is not to say that females are not allowed in management, they can most certainly make excellent leaders and developers of the company as well.

Having spoken with a friend from Ireland, I believe that his ideas combined with my own make for a very well thought-out and decent plan which will eliminate the chances of allowing insufficient people into management. This will make the working environment much more productive and pleasurable for the worker bees simply by reducing the stresses of having to work for a boss who only cares for his wallet, or how good he looks to his own bosses.

My proposition is that there will be a standardized test written, called the Management Qualification Assessment Test, or the MQAT, covering nearly all information that a person in management would ever need to know for any type of situation, no matter how realistic, plausible, or feasible. Before taking this test, the candidates will take a brief informational course on what the test covers, so as to be fair to all who take the test. The candidates may only take the MQAT once every six months at a given location. The score after taking the test will determine the status of that person’s job.

If the candidate makes a score of 50 or lower, they will be pushed down the stairs in front of everyone in the company for even thinking that they were management material. This candidate is then given the option of either staying at the current company at his current position, or he may choose to leave the company to try and make management elsewhere.

If the candidate achieves a score between 50 and 79, this candidate will be allowed the lowest level of management possible. Their poor score will be rewarded with two dollars an hour less than every one of the worker bees below him and he will receive a half-hour lunch break while his workers have one-hour breaks for lunch. If any opportunities to promote managers in his position arise, he will be overlooked and not considered for promotion because he did so poorly on the MQAT.

If the candidate attains a grade between 80 and 94, the candidate will be awarded with the lowest management position, as all managers start at the bottom. However, he will be allowed a one-hour lunch break, just as those below him. He is also guaranteed to make three dollars more per hour than the position directly below him, be they worker bees or another manager. He will be considered for any opportunities of promotion, in which he will be alerted, take the MQAT once more and if his score is acceptable in the same way, he will receive a promotion and a pay raise.

If the candidate accomplishes a grade between 95 and 100, he will be shoved down a flight of stairs in front of all of the company and will be physically picked up and thrown out of the building, no longer having a job there. No one is that close to perfect and any manager with that high of a score will have an ego to go with it and treat his workers in a condescending manner. This behavior is not at all tolerable, hence his being let go from the company.

I have spoken with worker bees themselves about which they would rather have put in place, this proposition, or have the current managers and all after them to be assessed monthly, in the work they complete themselves, in the way they treat those below them, and how they please those above them. If they are disagreeable in one or all of the categories, a suggestion is made for behavioral change, and, if after three months, the same problems arise, a new manager will be trained for his position. Every worker bee chose my proposition, thus proving to me that this proposition will be quite prosperous in the work place and also achieving a more constructive and productive work environment. Fewer sick days will be needed by the worker bees from a less stressful environment, increasing the ability for happiness and production throughout the company. The work put forth by the worker bees and the managers themselves will be whole-hearted and sincere, making the workplace, and weekends, that much more desirable and healthy.

Work has been going relatively well. I've been able to be upstairs instead of downstairs by myself with nothing but the mundane chore of hard drives to do with no one for conversation except for my own mind, which gets a little scary after a while. Jason, Torey's friend and "the new guy," who has been up there for about a month, has created the knickname of "Knob" for Rob. The funniest part about it is that Jason can call him Knob to Rob's face and he still doesn't realize that Jason isn't using his real name. We all think it's hilarious and we know we shouldn't laugh, but it's just so funny.

I'm managing to be polite to him, though I do try to avoid him as much as the others do. He's been better about not looking at my chest ever since I brought it up to him by way of conversation. He had asked me to lunch, "for business reasons" and could only take me by myself (without any other co-workers) because I am female and he doesn't want me to get offended. His words, not mine. I turned him down flat and told him that since he wanted to ask me questions about work, he could write them on a piece of paper, hand it to me, and I would turn it in to him the following morning. I have not yet seen a piece of paper with questions on it.

Anyhoo, he had brought up that he had taken everyone out to lunch except for me "because you're afraid" and Jeff and Chuck. At first I said that I wasn't afraid, but then I changed my answer and said that I was. He responded with, "Oh no! He's going to hit on me!" in a mock voice. I told him that that's wasn't what I was afraid of, that I was used to him doing that all the time. He doubted, so I did nothing but look at his chest and say that he had never ever spoken to me the way I was speaking to him, looking at his chest the whole time, only flicking my eyes up to his face infrequently. He said that if he had done that, it was unintentional, blah, blah, blah. For about a week after that he avoided looking at me if at all possible. It was awesome! He'll actually look at me now when he talks, but he very rarely glances.

School has been going. I've been bombarded with homework for the past week solid. It hasn't been fun. I've been up until midnight every night except for last night. It's quite exhausting.

I got a PS2 and DDR this week. It's so much fun to play. I'm so happy that I can play DDR at my house, just the fact that I can say that I have DDR. I've been wanting to own DDR for about three years. Now I finally have it and it feels great. Now I can work out whenever I want to and get better at DDR! Woohoo!

Have a great night, everyone!

Small Update

I have two new names that Rob gave me. The first is "Juliekins" and the other is "Julieness." His favorite is Julieness, though. It's better than Jill, I suppose. Speaking of work, we've all gotten to the point where we just put up with Rob's stupidity; we've given up hope on him. He's learning, though, which is good. He's getting to the point that my mom was at: Ed says this, reality is that, he's stuck in the middle. He's not sure what to do. Sometimes he follows Ed, sometimes he doesn't. He has made some good changes since he's been here, so that's good.

Lara and I are going to work out on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, that should be fun and productive for both of us. We're doing good on getting furniture already...Lara's friends have donated a twin bed with mattress and box springs included, a couch, a coffee table, an end table, and a desk. On top of the furniture that I'll be bringing from the house, we'll only have to buy a dining table and chairs! God works when you least expect Him to.

It's still sad coming home to only one puppy face. I miss Sandy, though I'm glad that he's not suffering anymore. I'm sure his mouth hurt him bad. I often times wished there were something I could do for him, but there wasn't anything. My poor puppy. I miss him.

I went to Barnes and Noble after work to buy some things for school and I realized that I had to pull myself out of the store. I could spend hours in there looking at all sorts of different books. I never realized that I enjoyed that store as thouroughly as I do...interesting. *shrug* You like what you like, right?

My schedule is quite busy and I haven't been sleeping well lately, regardless of the number of hours I allow myself. I'm not sure why I can't sleep well, I've done everything I can to make myself comfortable. Maybe I should physically wear myself out before I go to bed. How? Besides playing DDR (which I don't have yet), I can't think of anything. Any ideas on how to sleep better?

Speaking of sleeping, I need to do some. I have a lab quiz tomorrow - yuck. Sleep well, you guys! Gute nacht!

A Tribute to Sandy

At 6:15 this morning my mother woke me up. She said, "I know it's kind of early, but...Sandy's dead." When my Dad found him with his head resting on William's shirt in the floor of the laundry room, he was already stiff. He died in his sleep, the best way to go. My educated guess is that he died because his teeth were so bad (we couldn't afford to get them cleaned) and all the bacteria from his mouth got into his blood stream and rotted his organs; mainy the liver and kidneys are affected.

I found out this afternoon that he didn't eat his food yesterday morning. My Dad put Sandy's soft food in his bowl for him and he sat pretty for it (that's what we called it when he sat up straight and tall), but he didn't eat it. He just looked at it. My opinion is that he knew he was going to die.

It's still so surreal. I got home from my friend's house and he wasn't there at the door. I realized that I would never see him again. I would never pet him, hug him, be hugged by him (he'd wrap his paw around your leg), I would never be able to tell him to go away because his breath smelled bad, I would never be comforted by him ever again. He was eight years old.

This is my tribute to a great dog and a wonderful companion.

Goodbye, Sandy-Dog. We'll miss you.

Great News

I have some absolutely wonderful news, everyone! I just found out this afternoon that everyone at work gets a three day weekend!!! This is truly "the greatest thing since running water" as my math teacher, Dr. Kern, said this morning. I am so pumped...I get to spend the whole weekend with Josh!

Speaking of Dr. Kern, she is the funniest math teacher ever. She's what some would consider mean, in that the remarks she makes could be taken as cutting by themselves, but the way she says them is not at all offensive. She always has un upbeat tone of voice and she says cool a lot. She's an older lady, probably in her late 40's or in her 50's and she reminds me a lot of Aunt Mary, my mom's aunt. She's a sweet lady, she really is.

Here's my schedule of classes, for those of you that would like to know:

Montag, Mittwoch, und Freitag (MWF):
900-950: American National Government with Mrs. Hooper
1000-1050: General Biology with Mrs. Decker
1100-1320: General Biology Lab with Mrs. Gay (Wednesdays only)

Dienstag und Donnerstag (TR):
800-920: World Literature Two with Mrs. Souder
930-1050: Intermediate Algebra with Mrs. Dr. Kern

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are my least favorite days, but the classes are shorter and it's only for a couple of months. If I was thinking, I could have taken government and biology during the summer and get it over with. Or "Rip it like a band-aid" as Donna (Souder) was saying this morning.

Things at work are going ok. We're all getting used to Rob's idiocy, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. We're learning to cope, but it's going to take a while before we get used to him and can cope with him more easily. The revolt last Saturday worked; no one showed up for work and Ed and Rob were dumbfounded. They didn't do much of anything because they didn't know how to. It was great.

I've got a lot of reading to do before Tuesday, but I want to get it done now so I don't have to worry about it over the weekend. Josh is coming in town, plus with a three day weekend, I'll get to sleep in! Talk to you all later. Bis später, meinen freunden!

Part 2

I know what I worte before sounds ridiculous. I don't know why such a tiny thing set me over the edge. I've been trying not to let it ruin my day, but apparently it's stonger than my will is. It bothers me that I'm bothered by such a small thing. He didn't know that I drew those, he didn't know they contained such sentiment to me. But then I think, why am I defending this loser?

Today Ed and Rob brought up two pallets of flattened cardboard boxes. Each pallet (and contents) are about waist high. The thing worth mentioning is the two pallets were literally stacked on top of each other. The whole thing in height stood taller than Torey, the tallest man on the Mezzanine. It was close enough to the railing that if it fell the right way, it could have fallen off the Mezzanine and injured not only the workers below, but the computers as well. It was definitely NOT worksite safety. Two of the guys unloaded the top pallet and un-stacked them, so everything's fine now. If I can get the picture from my phone onto here, I'll post it for you. Break's over, gotta go.

Rob

I've finally broken. The soft exterior covering the true hard feelings beneath has been worn down. I could handle his annoying, cheesy little sayings and his constant conversations with my chest, or the fact that he's a mini Ed, he doesn't sweat details, and he has no idea what he's doing. He "cleaned up" his little work area. He destroyed all the fun things we had up there. We stuck little rubber feet on the edges of the monitor to make it look like a face, we had different sticky feet on the edge of the printer, all to make the work place a little more fun in Green Light times (where we're in a rush and the environment gets extremely stressful). He wadded up and threw away the post-it-note pictures I had drawn and my Mom kept up there when I was going to throw them away. I got them out of the trash can as soon as I knew they were in there. The hardest one to recover from the wad of post-its and tape was my Mom's favorite one, the one depicting a family/work joke. I don't know why, but it brought me to tears. I've had it with this guy. We all want him gone. We all want Carol back.

200th Post

Well, folks, this is my two-hundredth post here on Guin's Mind. Thanks for sticking with me.

Since my last post a lot has gone on in my life. First of all, there's a new work situation. The night I returned from vacation, Josh took me home and stayed to talk with my parents and brothers (and to play with the dogs and Sarah). I had text messaged my Mom that morning saying that I was very tired and that I didn't know if I'd be at work the next morning (this was a Thursday) and the only response I got from her was, "We'll talk when you get home." It sounded troubling, but I thought either she was in a bad mood or there was something I needed to know, but I knew I'd find out which was the answer when I got home.

Anyhoo, Josh and I are sitting in the living room and Mom is telling me about the situation that had risen the past Monday. Mom's boss, Ed, came to her that Monday and asked her to come to his office. There, he told my Mom that she wasn't working on the Mezzanine anymore, that she'd be working with Richard on deliveries (he's the boss-guy for all the computer deliveries to schools). The next day, the new guy started upstairs.

I found out that this guy used to work for the cable company (not sure what position, but it wasn't management) and he is a Sergeant in the army. Basically, this guy had no idea what he was doing up there and he's supposed to be in charge of about six people. Ed fired my Mom because he made outrageous promises to the owner of the company and his two vice-presidents and ended up not meeting them over and over again. The three aforementioned importants started complaining to him that he wasn't meeting what he promised. Therefore, he blamed everything on my Mom by saying that she wasn't working the crew hard enough to produce his outrageous promises. He also didn't like the fact that she thought logically and would tell him when he was telling her to do something that wasn't productive. So he fired her and hired someone who has no idea what to do.

Everyone I talked to about the new boss, Rob, thought he was an idiot and hated him. All of us wanted him to go back where he came from and most of us wished Mom back in position. Prediction number one: met as expected. At first he had this arrogant air about him; he obviously thought he was hot stuff. After a couple of days, (he'd been there for a full week before I started back after vacation) he'd seemed to lose his arrogancy for the most part, and was more open to observation. At the end of the third day, he came up to me and told me that since my Mom had made things to run smoothly and since everyone already knew how things worked except for him, that we should just keep working like we were and he'll pretty much keep things the same, only making a few minor changes here and there.

A few things bother me about him. He won't stop calling me Jill. He never calls me that to my face, but whenever referencing me to other people, he calls me Jill. I've overheard him doing it three times. It's even funnier because he came upstairs and screamed, "JULIE ANN!" I figured he had just come from talking to Ed because he only knew our names if he talked to Ed, he'd never ask us what our name was. Anyhoo, after he screamed my name, he told me that his eaughter's name is Julie Ann and then whipped out a picture of her. He still calls me Jill.

Another thing that bothers me is when you have a conversation with the guy, you almost always hear something that you never needed to hear. Too much information doesn't exist for this guy. He doesn't hold back. It's gross.

He's not the best flatterer either. When he first met Seanathan (who is a bit overweight) he told him to get a haircut and to lose 50 pounds. You don't say that to someone you know, much less a complete stranger, that's just rude.

*sigh* Anyways, I'm in Austin right now visiting Josh's grandparents with his family. Nana's birthday is on Monday. We drove down this morning and made pretty good time. Josh's Aunt Kim came, too. Uncle Kyle stayed with the dog and had work to do. Josh's cousin Jeff is a doctor in an emergency room and had a shift tonight. Small party, but we all had fun and got to see Josh's pictures from Germany (which makes me sad that I can't go for a while) and Austin, Josh, and I took turns playing DDR.

Lara and I will be hitting the books again in October to see what finances will be like then to further develop the apartment situation. She just got a new job which will put her at the same income as me, so that's fantastic. We should move in sometime in January. We're going to go ahead and wait until then to give us time to adjust to our school and work schedules and such things. Besides, you can't go shopping for furniture overnight!

Josh is begging me to play cards with him, so I'd better go. Austin and Lindsey are kicking each other in mock Ninja Turtle fights. It's funny. Bis später!

It's comforting to know that somebody misses you. Thanks, Lori, for making me feel special.

I've found the place I want to live. It's beautiful, well kept, the office staff seem really nice, although from what I've heard they always do before you move in. The apartments themselves are incredible. You walk in and you feel like you're in a tiny house - it doesn't feel like an apartment at all.

Lara and I want to be roommates, but she can't move in until she gets her own affairs sorted out, which probably won't be until January. I was wanting to move out between the end of August to the end of September, somewhere in there. I'm not sure if I should hunt for a different roommate until Lara can move in or if I should just wait to move out. It'd be a lot of money, but I can afford it and I think it would be a very liberating experience. I probably won't be moving out anytime soon - I have to get the whole roommate thing situated, if I want to live in these apartments. I could find something within my price range and live alone, but I think it'd be fun (for now) to have a roommate. Besides, if someone else is living with me, we can get a nicer apartment since we're splitting the bill.

Vacation has been great so far. We're sunburned even though we used sunscreen. We only put it on once yesterday and today we put it on twice and it was cloudy for the last half of the day and we're more sunburned from today than from yesterday. Go figure.

I'm learning how to program right now...gotta run!

Sorry For the Wait

Hey guys. Sorry it's been so long. I haven't had much time recently to get on and blog. At least I know there are four of you out there... :)

Russia was great. I miss it already. We had the debrief two weeks ago. The slideshow that Kelley, Angela, and I made turned out well on the big screen. The movie was killing people of boredom, but that's the only thing that "went wrong" so to speak.

Yes, Lori, you were right. Friday was the big day. Josh came home that afternoon and even though I was forty minutes early, I still missed him walking into the baggage claim. Needless to say, I was extremely upset about that. Dealing with terminal D at DFW is mayhem. Anyhoo, Josh came in and his family and I went out to eat at Love and War in Texas. Really cheesy Texan pride restaurant. I can't say whether I liked it or not because I didn't eat anything. I've never done that before, go to a restaurant and not eat, but I really wasn't hungry. As far as the atmosphere goes, I hated it. I'm not a big fan of the western decor style. Everyone else seemed to like their food, so I'll just take their word for it.

I'm glad Josh is back. Vacation is in five days...yay! Josh is going back to Austin on the 14th to get in a forty hour week at work before school starts. Selfishly, I don't want him to go back so soon since it's been so long since I've seen him, but I understand why he wants to go back, and I'm not going to be a typical girl and whine and complain because he's doing something that I don't like. At least I'll be able to visit him and talk on the phone with him this time!

I went apartment shopping with my Mom this weekend. I found an apartment that both my Mom and I are happy with. She seems excited for me. I'm not sure if I'm going to commit to it or not. I haven't signed a lease for it yet and the floor plan that I want on the floor that I want (second) won't be available until sometime in September. I don't mind because I really don't know if I want to do it or not. The rent is $519 per month plus utilities (we found the cheapest apartment we could without it being crappy) which I can afford, but it is a lot of money every month. I'd live alone; it's a one bedroom apartment. I don't have a problem with living alone, I just don't know if I could handle finding an elecric company and things like that. I like the fact that I'd be living on my own, separate from my family but not so far that I can't visit, I can keep my area clean and it'll stay that way, I can have friends over at any hour for any length of time, but at the same time it's cheaper to live at home, my parents cook most of the time, I'd have my dogs with me (even though Sarah would be coming to the apartment with me), laundry is free, things of that nature. I'll just have to mull it over and pray about it. Maybe it's just cold feet. Maybe I should just wait until UTA to move out. I don't know. We'll see.

I have to go see about lunch plans...maybe pop in a movie. I'll talk to you guys later. Tschüss!

I Have Returned

Got back from Russia last night. It was great.

Not going to Germany at all. I hurt.

I don't feel good right now. Update later.

Tschüss.

Off I Go to the Motherland

Four days 'til Russia!!! I'm so excited! I'm all payed off, I have appropriate clothing, and although the shopping isn't done (I still have snacks and minor things to buy), I'm ready to go. I can't believe I'm going to Russia - this is so exciting!

I'm also going to Germany, just not when I was wanting. I'm going to go the last full week of July, Josh's last week there, then we can fly home together. I'm not sure how it'll work just yet, but I have an idea and hopefully it'll work out. The worst that could happen is we would be on the same carrier, but different planes and we'd only see each other at the layover times. That would suck, but at least we'd get home together. We'll see.

Russia and Germany are about the only things on my mind right now. And work. Until further notice, the entire Mezzanine staff at work is supposed to put in 10 hour workdays and working on Saturdays is a must. I don't mind working that much, I guess. It'll be hard, but the overtime will be killer! It's going to be great when it's over.

That was really all that was on my mind. The past few entries haven't been happy ones, so I figured I could post a happy one. I'll talk to you guys later. Pray for me while I'm in Russia!

Bis später!

Bittersweet News

Russia Trip plans are going well. I only have $365 left to raise, though I have to have it by Monday. I'm really excited about going. It'll be fun, I'll learn a lot, probably grow some, too. You know, usual missions stuff.

I had the opportunity to travel to Germany and visit Josh. I was going to go, I could afford it, my parents were ok with it, everything was great. On the Lufthansa website, the price for flying from Houston to Frankfurt was $526. That's by far the cheapest deal out there. I was all excited to go, plans for sleeping arrangements and everything were made. Then someone read the fine print. It turns out that the $526 was the one-way price based on a round trip ticket. In other words, 526*2+taxes+fees=$1,200-1,300. This was the straw that put Lufthansa on my bad list.

So my dreams of travelling to Germany, getting to visit Josh, all shot to hell because I can't afford a $1,085 ticket (the cheapest one out there) to Frankfurt. As it stands, if I save every penny I make, I can go, but that's waiting until the last minute to purchase the tickets. If there were a way that I could put a deposit on the ticket and then pay the rest later, that'd be nice. However, I doubt that's feasible.

I have to run to work. If any of you read this anymore and have any ideas, please call me and let me know.

Bis später.

What do you do when the one who holds you isn't there to hold you when you need them to?

I left Bible study. I searched for a cat that wasn't to be found. I sat outside, alone, which is what I wanted. I realized that I am helpless. I cannot those I want to help, even myself. The only question that comes to mind is, why? Why did I have to be born to the family that I'm in? Why did my parents have to be stupid with their money when I was a child? Why haven't they been able to get out of the rut that they put themselves in? Why do I have to suffer the consequences of their mistakes both financially and emotionally? Why is it that you can't call a foreign country without costing the one you're calling? Why is it that when you need someone the most, no one comes? Why is it that when you want to be alone everyone comes to check on you? Why do mission trips cost so much? Why can't I afford to be with him in Germany? Why can't I help him even though I try? Why does Germany have to be seven hours ahead? Why do I take everything so seriously like a stupid girl? The only question left is, why does life have to be so hard?, but I'm glad it's hard because if it wasn't, life wouldn't be fun. It would be meaningless. Meaningless. Lifeless. Dead.

What do you do when the one who holds you isn't there to hold you when you need them to?

Mmhmm

I found out two weeks ago that I am going to Tula, Russia with the church. I am so excited to go and learn a new culture, a new people, a new world; it will be unlike anything I've ever seen before. I'm so excited! I have the usual anxiety of a mission trip, raising support, the flights there and back, how well I'll do over there people-wise, things of that nature. I don't really mind being that far from home, that's not an issue for me. We leave June 22 and we'll return July 2. It'll be a great trip, I can feel it. I hope the jet lag doesn't do me too much harm. ;)

I've been talking with Josh on AIM almost everyday. I miss him, but being able to talk to him more often than every three days softens the blow. He's having a great time over there. He's in a dorm room by himself, which I'm sure he's enjoying. He can walk just about everywhere and if he has to go farther away, he can take a bus. That's something he said that he really likes about Germany. I can't wait to visit there whenever I can.

I spent the night at Kelley's house on Saturday night. We watched girly movies and we went to Christina's house and ate spaghetti and watched stupid flash videos and talked about boys and stuff like that. It was a great girl's night. I had so much fun.

Just got off the phone with Josh. He's in a rut. I tried to help. I don't think it worked. In fact, I think I made it worse. I wish I could just talk to him without worrying about how much the call will cost. I want to make him feel better. I won't go into detail, though I wish I could to ask for advice. I wish there were a way for me to take the cost away from his phone and put it on mine. I offered to help pay for the bill, but that's not enough.

Maybe there's some way that after the Russia trip, instead of flying back to the states I could travel to Wurzburg and stay there for a few days and fly home on my own. If only it were possible. Well, it is possible, but I don't think it would be allowed by certain people, namely my parents. I'll investigate and see what it would cost me.

I'd better head off to Bible study. I'm not really in the mood for people right now, but I make myself go anyway. Bis später, meine freunden. Tschüss.