Living and Dying

I'm dying inside. Each time my heart beats it hurts a little more. It's not hurting for me, either. Every time I look into their face, every time I see them. They are so miserable. You can see the inner torment through their eyes and whether they want it to or not, it shows up on their face. I almost can't bear to look at them, the torment in their minds hurts me so. The fact that it's even a question for them hurts me. God, why do I have to care for people so much? Why have You put them in my life, Father? I don't get it. I don't seem to be helping them at all. There's nothing I can do but protect myself from the blast. The best thing I can do for them is protect myself from them. God, You have blessed me with the gift of compassion, but I don't know how to use it. God, I'm stuck. I need Your help. Please help me.

But at the same time, things couldn't be better. I'm deepening relationships with those I want to know more, I'm furthering older relationships, too. A few weeks ago someone told me that I was their best friend...I didn't see myself as such. I'm relatively happy all the time, family things have been about average - not too much screaming at William to do his chores; things with parents have been fine. Sarah is Sarah, that's about all I'm going to get out of him for now. Josh is amazing as usual. I feel like I haven't talked to him in ages even though I spoke with him last night, well, sort-of, I was asleep. I'm going out with him on Saturday, then going to Nancy's birthday party that night. I taught on Tuesday and it went well, Josh, Seanathan and Lara all came to watch - thank you all again, by the way.

In almost every aspect of my life in this moment, things are going splendidly. In the one aspect alone, my world is falling apart, I'm dying. I don't know what to do.

I haven't had breakfast and my stomach is yelling at me for it, so I'll catch you all later.

Tschüs!