Much Needed Update

Well, folks, he's gone. He's already made his change in Toronto from Canadian Air to Lufthansa. He's in the air right now and will land at 12:00 tonight our time, or 7:00 am there. I watched him walk through security at 11:30 this morning. Tears were welling up in my eyes, but I told myself not to cry until I got to the car, so he couldn't see me crying.

I can't wait to see the pictures he'll take and read his e-mails about all the stuff he's doing, all of his classes and trips and things of that nature. I can't wait to hear his voice again. I'd like to say that I already miss him, but I don't know how accurate that would be. I miss him not being twenty minutes from my house. I miss calling him. I miss being able to send him text messages for free.

I'm so unbelievably proud of him. I asked him if he was excited, of course he was. I asked him if he was scared, he was a little. I so badly wanted to go with him, to help him get there, to make sure he was safe. I can't imagine what his mother is going through. Sandy's busy, she's probably not thinking about it too much; I could be wrong.

You should have seen me at lunch today. I ate two chicken enchiladas, half of the rice that came with the dinner, two glasses of water, and scarfed the dessert of cinnamon sopapillas, all in about twenty minutes. It doesn't sound like much, but the dinner was pretty big, plus dessert on top of that; it was a lot of food and I ate it very fast (for me, anyway). Between seven and ten minutes of that time was spent waiting for the dessert to come. Now, when I should be hungry, the thought of food makes me nauseated. I bought a little danish thing from work before I left because I felt hungry. The instant I picked it up out of the vending machine, I knew I couldn't eat it. Usually I'll eat a snack like that on the way home from work. It's sitting on my bedside table, wrapper unopened.

Also I'll start crying randomly, sometimes it's in the split second of time that I thought about work and not Josh. I keep drinking more and more water, as if I'm dehydrated. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Classic signs of Julie in grieving. I'm the only one I know who can actually cry herself to dehydration. It's all been in little spurts throughout the day, but I still manage it somehow.

The past five days have been great though. Saturday I got to hang out with Josh afterall. His mom had been cooking for the past two days for the company that they had the following day. We had dinner at his house and were about to watch a movie, but we went to his friend from high school J.P.'s house and swam and watched family guy since J.P. invited us over.

Sunday Josh's aunt Kim, cousin Eric, Eric's wife Emily, Eric and Emily's baby Maddie, Josh's grandpa Paw, Josh's other grandpa Papaw and Papaw's wife Memaw all came over to celebrate Mother's Day and to have a late celebration for Josh's 19th birthday. My family took my mom out for lunch that day before Josh's family's party. She had a good time and she liked her present.

On Monday Josh's immediate family and I went to Six Flags for the afternoon. It was fun. We didn't ride too many big rides since Austin was recovering from strep and Lindsey doesn't like roller coasters. We still had a good time and got worn out, too. Josh and I watched a movie after we got home.

Tuesday was Josh's and my two year anniversary. Two years. Can you believe it? Josh took me to Stonebriar mall in Frisco where we ate lunch at Chili's, followed by a movie, RV. It was a funny movie, not Robin Williams' best, but it was pretty good. After the movie, Josh took me to the place we were there for in the first place, The Cheesecake Factory. For those of you who don't know, the only reason I turn down cheesecake is if I physically cannot eat it, or if I'll throw up by doing so. In other words, cheesecake is my favorite dessert and Josh taking me there was like heaven. I got the Chocolate Truffle Raspberry Cheesecake. It was rich and to die for. Then he told me that we were going to find me something cute, so we went shopping. We found nothing after searching half of the mall, so he took me to Kohl's. He bought me three shirts, two of which he found for me. Then we went home, ate dinner, and watched a movie.

Yesterday I went shopping with Josh and Sandy (his mom) to get him clothes for Germany and for school in fall. I got my feathers ruffled a little bit by the shopping experience, but overall it was good. We found I think seven pairs of khakis and two shirts that he can layer with each other. Then we went home and unpacked from Austin and packed for Germany. I got Josh's clothes rolled and folded as needed and set everything aside for him to put in his bag while he got his backpack unpacked and packed again. We got him all set and ready to go. He seemed to like the "care package" I made for him. It's a messenger bag with his favorite snack foods, envelopes, pens, paper, a letter from me, money for calling cards, and a couple of pictures of me that he hasn't seen before. He saw that there were not only Reese's Pieces but Sour Skittles as well and he had to kiss me for it. We went to the bookstore and he bought sequels to Ender's Game, his mom bought a cookbook and I bought Memoirs of A Geisha. I'm borrowing Ender's Game from him, so I'll read that first.

You already heard about today, in too much detail, most likely. I hope this grieving thing doesn't last too long. I usually get sick because of it and my boss (the one above my Mom) is already asking me when I can put in forty hour weeks (even though I started that last Wednesday).

I suppose I'll stop talking and let you people get on with your lives. I read something today, it was about finances, but it applies to anything, really. "Don't take the easy road to anything, because everything worth having in life takes a long, hard time to get..." Adreka Majors said that and she's right. I'm finding this to be true. Have fun, kids.

Tschüss.

Current Mood : Hopeless Acceptance

Have you ever known that something was going to happen and you're both happy and sad about it but whenever you think about it all you do is hurt and cry; it's almost a depression of sorts. I'm so happy and so very excited for him. I love him dearly...I guess that's why it hurts so badly. Nine days and counting.

Don't Know What To Think

I just had a spat with Josh over classical music. He says that it cannot convey a message in such a way that every person knows exactly what the composer is talking about, like lyrical music does. I say that the composer has the capability of conveying as much specificity as he likes, such as watching a leaf fall from a tree or a snowflake falling from a window. Josh says that is my interpretation of it and that all the composer can do is convey a general, vague image that some people get and some don't. We had this discussion for over 20 minutes. I got tired of arguing and said to stop talking about it. He kept going. I told him I'd hang up if he didn't stop talking about it. He told me I wouldn't hang up. He kept going. So I hung up. Now I feel horrible. I don't hang up on people for any little thing. But when I say what I did in my head, "You hung up with him over a disagreement in music," all I can do is cry. I know I'm passionate about music and I can't stand people ragging on things that I love and that I'm passionate about, but following through on my threat now seems regrettable.

I know that he and I both take hang-ups seriously, which is why I followed through on it. He was downing on something that I love, he wasn't listening to me, I figured that if I followed through with my threat that he would know I was serious about what I was saying to him. But now I feel awful. I cried before because he hurt me. Now I'm crying because I hurt him. If tough love is what I was going for, I can't do it anymore. It doesn't just hurt the one you're being tough to.

It seems small now, in the wave of sorrow that has flooded me, but this morning I found out that I won't see my math teacher again this semester. She gave us our test grades back and on them she wrote our average from the semester and our letter grade. She told us that if there was an A on there, then she didn't want to see us again. My test grade: 103. My average for the semester: 102.25. I don't have to be in class on Friday - I placed out of the final.

If I recieve an e-mail from my Music Appreciation teacher by Friday morning, I don't have to be in class on Friday - I've placed out of the final. With Mrs. Walter, to place out of the final we have to have a B or better and not missed more than three classes. I'm pretty sure I'll get the e-mail. Even if I don't that's only two finals to study for and they're both on Monday.

Mrs. Souder doesn't give a final. She spends class time, she takes roll, the school's happy. Last semester we just had a party. This semester, my group and the one we combined with (we call ourselves the Soopa Group) are making our presentation on final day.

I have a lot of homework to do. I'm going to try and get some of it done, at least the stuff that's due tomorrow. Tschüss.

Invisible?

Do you ever have those days where you feel as if you're invisible and although you're in a crowd you're alone?

Happy Birthday!

Today is Josh's 19th birthday. Everyone, on three. One... two... three... Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Josh. Happy birthday to you! *applause* Congratulations Josh for making it to your last teenage year. I'm so proud of you for all of your many accomplishments.

Also, congratulations to Josh Crowder for snagging a fiance! My older brother is getting married. It's scary in a way, but so much more joyous than scary. I'm so glad you found someone who you can share the rest of your life with. Congratulations to you and Kacie and may you have a long life together.

I'm in a good mood today. I like good moods. They're fun.

I can't wait until Lara gets home. She's coming home this weekend and I am so excited to have her back! Finally my friend is coming home. I miss her in ways that I cannot describe.

I don't really have anything else to say, so I'll end with this quote from Chase.

"Believing in decaf coffee is like believing in solar powered flashlights."

The World Is Spinning

Wow. It's been a while since I posted last...sorry about that. I know there are only two people who read this, so I'm not sure why I'm apologizing, but I feel the need to do so, though I don't see a reason to.

Anyhoo, tomorrow marks the last week of school of my first year in college! Finals are next week, one on Monday (Human Sexuality) and one on Wednesday (Math). I have to show up for one on Tuesday, although the teacher isn't giving us a test; she's making it party time! I'm 90% sure I placed out of my Music Appreciation final because we have to have a B or better and have not missed more than three times. I've only missed twice (maybe only once from what she told me) and I'm pretty sure I have at least a B in that class. I'll have to ask her about it tomorrow.

Oh gosh! I have to get to work. Talk to you later!

Tschüss!

The Songs of Spring

This is the winning essay, for your reading enjoyment.

The Songs of Spring

Julie Hawkins

The first day of spring brings with it the sweetness of the tree’s blossom, the angelic song of the sparrow and the freshness of a newly melted winter. This day also brings with it the excitement of a Christian music workshop. The workshop is located in a large park, with tall, plastic tents that rise unnaturally from the ground and crackle loudly when the wind blows across their surfaces. The weather was mild and the grass turned green early this year and gives the park a warm, luminous glow as the sun shines down upon it. The amphitheater stands like a giant white stone, taller than any tree in the park. The air carries with it the freshness of spring as it weaves its way around the bright green leaves of the trees, underneath the wings of the small sparrows, whistling through the semi-circle shaped amphitheater to the ears of the girl standing backstage.

A bead of sweat trickles down her face as she nervously awaits and she watches for her cue to walk out and stand true. She reminds herself of why she is there; not just to sing, but to serve the people and to be a beacon of light to the lost. She wrings her hands around the microphone, which feels like a wet bar of soap in her sweaty palms. Her eyes are on the stage manager who stands a few yards away on the other side of the stage, waiting for everyone to finish their preparations for the next act. She whispers to herself and desperately tries to calm herself down. As the stage manager points to her and all her breath escapes her, a sense of panic floods through her body. She nods to him and the music begins as she slowly walks out to the middle of the stage and tries not to let the crowd see her knees wobble. Although her nerves scream to turn back, a voice inside her head reminds her that she will be alright, so she continues to her planned spot on stage and faces the crowd.

The sweet music flows softly, measure by measure; the crowd awaits her song. Her voice, as smooth as silk, flawlessly delivers the notes as she sings the sweet melody, and she tries hard to control the nervousness in her voice. Her voice carried with it emotions like a waterfall; they washed over the crowd and swept them away. The emotions were so moving and so powerful that they were overwhelmed with awe at the beauty in her voice.

As she sings she looks out and over the crowd to the outdoors around her. She watches the puffy white clouds slowly float by, being lazily pushed by the wind. She thinks of God’s creation; the fragrance of the trees, the sight of the birds play and the sound of their joyful conversation and just knowing that the God she is singing to made them the same way He made her - by hand, and that gives her strength and confidence. The light breeze plays with her hair as she looks at each of the beautiful faces in the small ocean in front of her and she is filled with wonder at the creativity and diversity of each individual. The already slow paced music slows down to a stop as her voice fades to nothing and, knowing what is about to be played next, she raises one eyebrow with a clever smirk on her face and turns to look at the guitarist standing to her right.

BRANG! The electric guitar rings out through the amphitheatre then the drums take a beating as the drummer changes the pace. The hard-rock music reaches the ears of the crowds and they roar with excitement and begin to make even more noise as the singer’s voice soars out above the music, carrying with it edifying words of glorification to the Almighty. Energy now surges through the crowd and her nerves are annihilated as she sings and begins to dance to the music. Comfort floods her body as the crowd dances with her and together they make a truly joyful noise. The last strum of the guitar leaves with a bang and the crowd cheers.

She waits for the crowd’s uproarious applause to simmer down to a dull roar before repeating “thank you” over and over and grinning from ear to ear. She knows that it is all over, and recalls how only a short eleven minutes before she wrung her hands and clutched tightly to the microphone and tried with all her might not to shake and look like a novice on stage. She did not understand now how fear had gripped her so, she was almost completely comfortable up there now; she ran her hands across the outstretched hands and fingers of the very front row. “Encore! Encore!” the crowd wildly cheered. She looked at the stage manager and received nothing but an ear-to-ear grin. She quickly turned to the band members behind her and told them which song to play next.

After her final song, she walked with confidence off of the stage, and she beamed with joy. As the workshop wound down to a close, a young girl shyly approached her and gently tapped on her shoulder. She turned around to greet the girl. The girl spoke with the voice of a mouse, quiet and timid. The girl thanked her for all she had sang and told her how she was in a life-threatening state of mind when she came to the workshop. She came for the music alone and hoped that there would be some detail that could turn her life around. The girl finished her story with tears in her eyes and thanked her profusely for providing the light she needed and told her that she was now a child of God. She could not help but let the salty tears slide down her cheeks as she hugged the shy, young girl.

She no longer cared what the rest of the crowd had thought of her; she did not care how well she performed in front of them. She knew she had been the tool to touch the life of a young child of God and she knew that her mission was complete. It was dusk and as she listened to the crickets sing their songs she knew that they were singing praises.

Woohoo!

I GOT 4th PLACE IN THE WRITING CONTEST!!! There were over 300 people in the contest total. About half of the people who earned awards, including many first and second prize winners were absent from the ceremony, which was shocking to me. Anyway, I looked cute and was turning heads at the restaraunt after the ceremony. AND I GOT FOURTH PLACE!!! WOOT!!! Tschüss!

Yuck!

I'm down today. Something grabbed a hold of my stomach and it's making my stomach very upset. I've managed to keep my cookies, but I'm having a hard time eating without feeling otherwise. I've been able to keep this at bay for months now - I'm proud of myself. Mom thinks the nausea is due to my headaches. I think it's the leftover sub I ate yesterday, possibly in conjunction with a serious lack of sleeping well. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm feeling a little better this morning. Had a nice long talk with Josh - that helped me feel better.

My abstract for my research paper and 20 source annotated bibliography are due at midnight. My goal is to have the bibliography to my teacher by class on Thursday morning. This is why: I'm having to discard my old abstract completely and go with a new idea, which I'm fine with. What I'm not fine with is the incredible amount of work that has to go into this new topic. I've been working for the past four days trying to gather information so that I can write my abstract.

My research paper is a rhetorical analysis of the significance of the word beat in David Auburn's Proof. I've read through the play three times now and watched the movie and I still have no clue as to the meaning. My biggest lead is that it is some sort of pause, but having a beat in the middle of dialogue doesn't always match with that idea. Whenever a beat is in the middle of Claire's speaking, she always changes the subject afterwards. Whenever a beat in in the middle of Robert's speaking, more often than not he changes who he's speaking to, but theory doesn't hold when he's only talking to Catherine. Hal doesn't always change his tone or what he's speaking about when it occurs within his line. It only appears mid-sentence in Catherine's speech twice out of the 32 times it's in mid-sentence. The word beat is mentioned 111 times in the entire play, and I have each instance of which written down, which line it occurs in, what's in the paragraph before it, and what's in the paragraph after it. AND I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT MEANS!!!!

I looked up the stage meaning of beat, and found that it is the smallest division of action in a play, the length of time necessary for a character to play an "objective" (also called intention) from beginning to end, a very short pause, a deliberate pause for effect or measure of time when cueing, or a unit of action in a scene, which is made up of a series of beats. I found the definitions from various websites from a Google Search. I suppose my pause theory could be true, but now I have to come up with an abstract saying that that's what my paper is about. I have to come up with an 8-10 page research paper about nothing but that, and I have to come up with an annotated bibliography containing 20 sources which support my theory in ways other than the word beat in Proof because this idea is completely original; all before MIDNIGHT TONIGHT!!!!!! Minus the paper. That's not due 'til sometime in May. But still, the idea has to be there.

So that's been on my mind recently. My headaches haven't gotten any better, but not any worse, thank God. Thank you to kind Ian for helping me figure out the source of my headaches. Finances are slowly but surely getting better. Having a job that pays you what your work is worth is nice.

Ok. Now that I've ranted and gotten my thoughts all out "on paper" I should go try and finish at least my abstract. And try and see if I can eat this toast that my wonderful little brother William has made for me. Hats off to toast when you're queasy! Bis später!

Poetry Blog

Just so y'all know, if you care, all of the poetry I have written is now on a blog of it's own. The link is on the sidebar just under my profile stuff. It's there for me, but I'm giving you the option of reading it. Some of it's good, some of it's not, but it's mine. Enjoy if you dare.

Tschüss!

Humerous Quotes - They're Funny To the Bone!

Is a mime someone who can think inside the box?

When thespians go public, do they come out of the wardrobe?

Lexus spelled backwards is suxel.

Instant human - just add coffee!

How many times does the average person masticate every day?

Have you ever watched how people ambulate? No two people have the same pattern!

"Look, Mom! Chuckie Cheeses! I know that place by the back of my head!"

"William, there's more than one way to skin a cat." "I'm not a skinny cat!"

"Mom, can I use your bathroom? Julie's in ours plundering the toilet!"



Special thanks to Carol, Julie, William and Chase for their humorous contributions.

Beware...the Penguins...

Sometimes you have to watch out for those penguins:



I may have chronic migranes. I've been having at least two horrible headaches per week since the beginning of February. Two of them have made me black out for a few seconds, at least 10 of them have made me so dizzy that I had to sit down. Medicine usually doesn't affect the headache, so that makes them more difficult to deal with. We can't afford to go to our regular doctor, much less a neurologist, so there's nothing I can do about it for now except to take a neurologist's "Migrane Concoction" which is two Excedrin and one Advil as needed. Maybe we'll get some extra money from something and I can go to the doctor.

I just found out that I placed in the top five of the writing contest that I entered a month ago! They didn't tell me what place I got; all they said was that the ceremony and photos are at the Gainsville campus of NCTC on April 14. I can't wait. It's going to be so great! Even if I placed fifth, that's still an accomplishment since there are at least 200 entries in the contest. That would be so cool!

Papaw's birthday was awesome. I had a blast with the family. We played mexican train for hours and I won! That seldom happens! I wonder what I'll be like on my 70th birthday...

By the way, I'm in the process of creating a poetry page to put all of my poetry on. I just finished a new poem tonight, so I'll post it on the other site as soon as I get it finished. Just thought I'd let y'all know that. I'll tell you when you can access the site.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm up too late as it is. Talk to you all later. Wish me luck!

Too Long

It has been too long since I posted here. I've been awful busy lately and haven't had the time to post - sorry!

I have been invited to go to Papaw's birthday party this weekend with Josh's family. I have accepted and will be going with them probably Saturday morning and returning on Sunday night so that we can make the 6:30 service. Apparently I'll like it out there, at least that's what Josh keeps telling me. He said that he didn't know how to describe where they live, he said it was a neighborhood, but you didn't feel like you were in one because there were so many trees you couldn't see the other houses. They live on the lake and have a paddle-boat, which we probably won't get to use until it's warm enough...we'll see. It'll be a blast! I always have a great time with Josh's family. His extended family, as well as his immediate, is so nice and very welcoming. The first time I saw them, they were hugging me like I was family. It was an odd feeling, but a very good one. They love me like I'm a granddaughter or niece - they even gave me presents at Christmas (I didn't expect them to)! Anyway, I'm thrilled to death and can't wait to see them all!

I'm also happy because I finally exchanged the duplicate CD that I got from my parents at Christmas. They had given me Thousand Foot Krutch's The Art of Breaking, which I already had. I exchanged that for the soundtrack to the movie The Phantom of the Opera. I own the movie and have watched it umpteen times. I've wanted the soundtrack for a while and I'm glad that I finally own it as well.

While in the store today I saw that King Kong and Memoirs of A Geisha are out on DVD for $17. I enjoyed both of those movies so much it's not even funny. I saw King Kong twice and had to keep myself from making an impulse purchase of Memoirs of A Geisha.

I won't rant about all of the bad things that have been happening. I'm in a good mood at the moment, which has been rare, especially today, and I want to keep it. I'll talk to you all later, I suppose. Tschüss!

Quick Question...

How bad is it when you no longer enjoy the company of your family?

How Was The Trip?

It was amazing. The ski trip this year was so much fun. I pushed myself on the slopes, I conquered personal challenges for me and with others around me, I learned a lot and did a lot. Here's a link to the trail map in case you'd like to see the runs I name: http://ww2.skiwinterpark.com/downloads/WP-TrailMap-0506.pdf

The first day of skiing I went all the way up to Mary Jane (I had never been that high on the mountain before) and I rode the Zephyr lift (an accomplishment for me because it is very high off the ground and I am terrified of heights). It snowed all night the previous night, so the powder was really nice and while the morning was clear, it snowed during the afternoon and all that night as well.

The second day of skiing the weather was perfect! It was warm (low 30's) and the sun was shining all day long. I skied my first blue that day, the blue end of March Hare. We also took the first half of Jabberwocky which is a blue, later that afternoon. I chickened out on going up to Parsenn Bowl after lunch; I felt tired and wasn't sure I could handle it since I'd only skied two blues, both of which were short. I later regretted that decision.

The third day of skiing was alright. The sun was out in the morning, but soon a small blizzard came in. Kelley and I waited for Josh, John, and Taylor in the warming hut on Mary Jane while they went up to the bowl again. I had chickened out again, but this time for at least a semi-legitimate reason; I was feeling nauseous even though I had been drinking water and I was developing a headache. Plus it was windy up on Mary Jane and I was scared to go above the treeline on a two-person lift when it was that windy amidst the trees. After the boys returned, we all skied down the mountain, to the base, through the blizzard.

The run we came down last was Parkway, a green run that ended in a blue-equivalent slope, one that I had done several times but had always fallen on. This time was different though and I managed not to fall. I came down happy as could be because I didn't fall on Parkway. I came to the four who were waiting at the bottom. I pulled up next to Kelley and started doing a little dance because I didn't fall. As soon as I stopped dancing, I fell over. It was the funniest thing I could have done! I was laughing harder than everyone else, I think.

By the time we got down, the snow had virtually stopped. Josh wanted to do one more run before lunch and suggested doing Lower Hughes, a blue black. Kelley had mentioned doing that run simply because she wanted to "ride herself." I had taken off my skis already since I thought we were going to lunch as planned, but the boys and Kelley wanted to do Lower Hughes. I was feeling great after not having fallen on Parkway, so I let Josh and Kelley talk me into going. I told Josh that he was going to pay for my medical bills when I hurt myself if I did go. He agreed, so I went. John and Taylor plowed down the run while Kelley, Josh and I took it slow. I went down the run fairly easily, concentrating on "the trees rather than the forest" as Josh had advised. I focused on each turn, slowly parallelling down the mountain. I only fell once, which I was amazed at, and was crying for joy when I got down the mountain, in complete shock that I had successfully skied a blue black. Kelley and I told everyone about our accomplishment and with that, ended our skiing for this trip. We both wanted to end on a good note, so neither of us went with the boys after lunch.

That afternoon, after shopping, and watching the snow get heavier outside, Kelley and I were sitting at a table with some other crossroads people when groups of people came in saying that there was a white-out on the mountain and that they were closing lifts. The final report came that they were evacuating the mountain due to a blizzard. Most of the group was there at the tables anyway, so the leaders decided that if all the rooms were there, then we could leave early. It was only an hour early, so it wasn't too early, but still. All of the groups were there except Josh's, so I got permission to let my girls go back to the lodge with everyone else while I waited for Josh, John, and Taylor to get back. Trevor had to wait too, because the other three boys were the ones in his room. Trevor and I waited with Debbie for the boys to get back. About 10 minutes later, Josh came up the stairs to the lunch area, covered in snow and out of breath. He said they were closing the lifts due to lightning, which is odd for a blizzard. The three of them made it back safely and we ended up being on the same bus as my girls, so everything worked out in the end.

The bus rides were long and almost torturous (I think I just made that word up) making flying seem so much more worth the extra $150, but we had fun and bonded, so that is a plus. The bus ride home seemed shorter than the ride there, but I think the time of day had something to do with that. Overall, it was a great experience. I think skiing in the Alps would be freaking awesome - maybe I can do that when I go to Germany. ;)

Josh leaves to go back to college today. It'll be sad to see him go as usual, but moreso this time because I've spent an entire week with him. I almost can't wait for the regular routine to begin again, but at the same time, I love not having to worry about school or waking up at a certain time and I most definitely enjoy having Josh only 20 minutes away again. Hope your spring break was great. Tschüss!

Casework
Kubrick
Jawbreaker
Caseworker
Bookwork
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Parson
Parsing
Pearson
Parse
Parser
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How Do I Do It?

My English class. There is none other like it. I have to read so much freaking stuff, most of which I don't like. I don't mind reading it at all, it's writing about it that I mind. Every single time we read something, we have to write about it in our stupid writing journals. Not only that, but each entry has to be at least one page long. Most of what we have to read is poetry and if you have, say, a four line poem about fish hooks and eyes, how on earth are you supposed to write about it for a freaking page???

We're keeping these stupid books as helpful insight into our topics for our research papers. We are to take a single work that we have read so far from our assigned books and we are supposed to create a ten page literary criticism of that work. I do not want to criticize anything, I do not want to have to fill nine pages with utter crap that I made up because I can not think "critically" like the teacher is instructing us to do. We are supposed to have a poem written by Thursday, "inspired" by another work that we have read (which means we have to write in their style and copy some of their words or phrases." We did a photograph poem in the same manner, inspired by one of two works. We were allowed to choose which one to mimick, which was nice, but my poem still sucked because I was not only forced to write a poem, but also do it using another person's style! How incredibly frustrating!!! If I didn't need 12 hours to stay on my parent's insurance, I would drop this class.

We're having our mid-term on Thursday. I'm supposed to be able to remember sections of things I read from the book (over 25 of them) and be able to tell which work it came from and how to analyze it from a Marxist or feminist or structuralist point-of-view. I can't do that. We're also supposed to have all these literary terms known by now, a lot of which are from basic English class in second grade. I never learned them. I tried. I still don't know them and we even went over them in class. I can not retain information whatsoever. She claims that this is a test that no one can fail. I get the feeling that I'm going to prove her wrong.

I CANNOT BE FORCED TO WRITE POETRY!!!

I am so angry and frustrated that I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

I thought writing this would make me feel better. I think it has only fueled the fire. I'm going to go play Red Alert and kill things.

Tenjewberrymuds

This is something I got from my Dad - where he got it, I don't know, but it's hilarious. I couldn't read the entire thing without stopping to laugh everytime the Room Service person spoke. One thing - you have to say it out loud when you read it to get the full effect.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye...Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor Sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan Sahn toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Jew don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish Moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye?"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."

Update

Sorry it took me so long to post on here - I've been busy lately.

The Mozart concert was incredible! I want to start going to DSO (Dallas Symphony Orchestra) concerts more often. The seats were only $28 and we sat up in the highest tier, the Grand Tier, almost in the exact middle of the row; the view was awesome!

The violin soloist (other than the conductor) was a beautiful young woman named Viviane Hagner. She was born in Munich (I have yet to find out how old she is, as it didn't say her birthday in the program or on her site) and she has played with many different famous philharmonic orchestras. She was absolutely stunning when we saw her - she can make that violin sing, laugh or cry - whatever fits the music that she's playing. She's an excellent violinist, perhaps even a virtuoso violinist. I've added her page to my links if you want to read more about her many accomplishments.

The concert was an overall great experience, though it was hard to concentrate at times. One person opened a plastic wrapper of some sort and it was so loud and lasted for what seemed like minutes but was only about 30 seconds. They were only two rows behind Josh and I. The lady to my left kept text messaging on her phone throughout the concert and although she tried to hide the light with her hand, the light was still distracting and the vibrating seemed so lound in the room that was made to carry sound. She even answered her phone in the middle of the movement! Granted, she whispered and she was speaking Japanese or Chinese so her words were short, but still. I tried not to let it distract me, but some things are unavoidable. If you've ever been to a classical concert (and if you haven't, you should), you'd know what I'm talking about. I was surprised how often concert etiquette was broken, truthfully.

Yesterday I had a sore throat all day long. It's the kind that throat lozenges don't help, it just keeps hurting and hurting. I had a headache so bad that my cheeks hurt and tylenol didn't help. Dustin's mom scared me half to death when she said that strep is going around right now - I don't want to have strep.

I'm going skiing with the youth group in a week and a half. Josh and I are going to be chaparons for the high school group. I'm so excited about it! Josh wants to take me up all the way to Parsenn Bowl by the time we're done skiing. If you want to see a map of the trails, click here: http://ww2.skiwinterpark.com/downloads/WP-TrailMap-0506.pdf. Anyway, this trip should prove to be interesting. I'm excited and can't wait to get up there!

I start work at M&A again tomorrow after school. I'll be working from 7 to at least 8 with an hour lunch break, which will make for a very long day.

I'm going to a TFK (Thousand Foot Krutch) concert tonight with Tracy and I can't wait!!! TFK is one of my favorite bands. They're playing in Old Town Lewisville tonight - it's going to be a blast! Literally!

Bis später, tschüss!

I Lied

The poem isn't finished. I still can't come up with an ending that suits it. I think the first one I posted is the one I'm going to stick with, the one with "I didn't know it would end so soon." at the end. Sorry guys. I guess my teacher was right, poets obsess over every little detail.

I don't think I'm going to go to the Gateway church's Bible study anymore - they're too charasmatic for me and there are enough false things being taught there that it outweighs the good.

Good night, everyone. Bis später.

Johari Window

Chris had an interesting link on her page - I made one for me too. I'd like to see what people really think of me.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=the+Guin

Finished Work

Here is the finished poem (in case you all care); yes, I dare call it complete.

Friends ‘Til the End

I didn’t know it would end so soon.

Forever is not reality

She will go her way

And I will go mine

Friends like we used to be

Is what we dream of

Each of us dreamed

While we were in grade school

That when each of us took our turn

Wearing the white dress

The other would be there

To share our happiness

In the color of our choice

After the ceremony

In the years to come

We would have coffee and lunch

To reminisce about the past

From childhood to present

And the childhood that is to be

In about 9 months and after

We promised to be friends forever

Sitting on the porch drinking lemonade

Sharing pictures and stories

Of our children and theirs

Laughing at how similar our children are

To us when we were that age

Looking back on all we'd been through together

Standing on the grave of my beloved

Tears falling to the ground

She held me as I cried

She comforted me

As only a lifelong friend could

Standing at the gates of the cemetery

Only a few yards away

Is where she lay

We always wondered who would last

I lay beside the tombstone

As if she were there beside me

Just like when we were kids

And the room was dark

When we giggled until sunrise

About the boy that gave us a valentine

We promised to be friends forever

Forever is not reality

I showed this to Donna this morning after class. She said that I should enter it in the Creative Writing Contest that NCTC is holding. She also suggested that I submit one of my essays that I wrote last semester for her class. The Creative Writing Contest has different contests for different age groups and such, each with a section for poetry, short stories, and essays. Technically anyone who submitted could have a chance to win three times, once in each catagory. There is, of course, a cash prize to those who win first, second, or third place. I'm going to submit the above poem and one of my essays, The Songs of Spring. I don't expect to win anything, but I think it'd be fun to compete.

I have a lot of homework to do so I'll let you go here. There is one thing: Isn't it amazing how moods can be affected by writing? I was in a horrid mood last night (no matter how hard I tried to fight it, and I did) so I sat down to write on my blog and "vent" but this formed in my head, so I wrote it down. You have no idea how much better I felt after writing it. A weight had been lifted, I'll tell you that much. *shrug* God works in mysterious ways.

Tschüss!

A New Poem

I have just finished a new composition. I can't decide on the ending, though. I'll take it to my English teacher in the morning and see what she thinks. I'll put the alternate ending at the end of the poem (only the last paragraph/stanza is changed) so you can see what's on my mind, but the ending I have is the one I'm leaning towards. It's not like it's going to be published or anything, but still.

Friends ‘Til the End

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality
She will go her way
And I will go mine
Friends like we used to be
Is what we dream of

Each of us dreamed
While we were in grade school
That when each of us took our turn
Wearing the white dress
The other would be there
To share our happiness
In the color of our choice

After the ceremony
In the years to come
We would have coffee and lunch
To reminisce about the past
From childhood to present
And the childhood that is to be
In about 9 months and after

Sitting on the porch drinking lemonade
Sharing pictures and stories
Of our children and theirs
Laughing at how similar our children are
To us when we were that age
Looking back on all we'd been through together

Standing on the grave of my beloved
Tears falling to the ground
She held me as I cried
She comforted me
As only a lifelong friend could

Standing at the gates of the cemetery
Only a few yards away
Is where she lay
We always wondered who would last
I lay beside the tombstone
As if she were there beside me
Just like when we were kids
And the room was dark
When we giggled until sunrise
About the boy that gave us a valentine

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality
I didn’t know it would end so soon.

Alternate ending:

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality

Surprise!

The women's retreat was great fun. I was dissappointed that I didn't get to talk to Lori like I wanted, but we can always go to coffee sometime. I had a great time with Kelley, getting to know more about her and so on. I made a new friend at the retreat, too. Her name is Kathy and she has a son that's about my age. She and her family just got back from England; they had to move for her husband's job. Apparently her son and I share some views and we were talking about them over lunch on Saturday. She's a great, godly woman and I can't wait to get to know more about her.

Saturday afternoon we had freetime from 1:30 - 4:30 and during the second half of freetime, Kelley and I went to a "spa" thing. The sign-up sheet said something about hand and foot treatment and Kelley and I thought that sounded fun, so we signed up for it and went at the specified time. The first thing we did when we got there was we washed our faces as we were instructed. We looked at the sun damage on our faces under a black light, then we put this slightly-heavier-than-water substance on our faces. As the woman handed out the "glue," she told us that we were recieving a chemical peel. I started worrying, afraid that the horror story that I saw on tv would become my reality. The character had a bright red, blistered face after recieving a chemical peel. I had already put it on my face and I didn't want to offend all the other ladies by not doing it, so I went through with it, assuring myself that I would be ok. After getting my lips and hands exfoliated, we were allowed to peel off the mask. Kelley's face turned bright red immediately and stayed that way for about an hour. My face felt fine at first, but a few minutes after peeling all the gunk off, I felt something painful. Each of the pores on my face felt like they had a flame burning inside of them. I had never felt anything like it before. About an hour after the intense burning sensation had first begun, I started getting this massive headache which made me dizzy at times. I took some Excedrin and it never kicked in. It lightened up a little bit before I went to bed and in the morning it was gone, and my face was no longer burning. My face is all soft now, so I guess that's good.

Between a lack of sleep and having had so much pain for so long the day before, I was exhausted. Mom and I went to lunch on the way home and had a great conversation about Germany. Kelley and I were wanting to make valentines that night after church and I had to get the supplies from the store because Kelley had to work. Mom went with me to the store, then we went home. As soon as we pulled up, John burst out the door to help us carry in our luggage, almost as if he were watching for us to come home. I shrugged it off, I was tired and had a bunch of stuff that I had to carry in, so I didn't mind the help. I took my armload of stuff to my room and just as I was reaching for the knob to open the door, it opens for me and Josh is standing there, welcoming me home. Josh said that I looked scared, but I think that was due to the fact that I was so tired I couldn't get surprised on my face quick enough.

He had come in town because he needed pictures for his study abroad application and he went with his mom to get them done. He came in town Friday night and because he knew I was away, he didn't tell me that he was home because he knew I'd be miserable at the retreat if I knew (he knows me well), so he figured he'd just surprise me on Sunday. He brought me the most beautiful valentine's present (besides himself): a pair of earrings, 10 karat created heart-shaped rubies surrounded by a gold heart and a small diamond just above the heart. I'd put a picture on here, but my camera sucks and has no focus. Anyways, they are beautiful. He gave them to me in such a romantic way, too. He's a heart-melter, that's for sure. I gave him his giant squish-pillow kiss (it's a replica of a Hershey's kiss) and told him that his real valentine's present is waiting, that I still have to finish making it, so he can't have it until he comes in town for the concert where the Dallas Symphony Orchestra is playing pieces which were composed by Mozart. I can't wait to show him what I've got planned!

Ok, I think that's all. I'm going to have a nap now and I will talk to you all later. Bis später.

Valentine's Celebration

Josh is coming in town the 24-26 to go to a Mozart concert with me. I'm planning on this being part of his V-day present. I got him two other small gifts, but I want to do something a little bigger for him. I think JPatch and Lori are right - food is the way to go. I have a fantastic idea, but I can't tell - just in case he reads this. Oh my gosh! This is a GREAT idea! Oh, I'm so excited now! Thanks, guys!

My mom talked to Ed (her boss at work) and asked him if there were any job openings. Starting next month, I'm going to be working with my mom, Seanathan, Pat, and Evan up on the mezanine doing the same thing I did before I started working at the clinic. I'll do that on Tuesdays and Thursdays and work with my dad and the rest of the crew on Wednesday and Friday nights doing the "Plano Project." About a two years ago M&A recieved an order from Plano ISD to upgrade all of the computer systems in the district. The entire project took a year and a half to complete, so I'll be helping them for a while. I'll still be working for the clinic on Saturdays and Sundays, so basically I'll be working every day of the week except Monday. It'll be busy, but I don't mind. I get paid more by the hour at M&A and my car will be paid off in June, so I can save $100 more per month after that. I'll save everything that I don't need for bills, which means that I'll be going to Germany next summer! WOOT!!! *does a little dance* Just the thought of it makes me giddy. Of course only time will tell the truth, but it's not a bad goal to have set, right?

I've got laundry to do and an assignment to turn in so I'll talk to you all later. You probably won't hear from me for a few days because I'm going on the Women's Retreat this weekend. Talk to you all later! Bis später. Tschüss.

Minor Update

In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to blog more. I really started slacking in that area. I don't feel that it's important enough to wake up just so I can blog everyday, but I do want to post at least every other day. Weekends may be an exception, what with work and any homework and such.

Speaking of weekends, I went shopping with Chris on Saturday. We had a blast - at least I did - and it was almost like we never left off, with the exception that I knew virtually nothing of Daniel. I learned about him and their plans for dating and whatnot all while we were shopping for his Valentine's Day present. I won't spoil what his present is, but a lot of forethought and planning has gone into this gift, and I know he'll love it.

-beginning of rabbit trail- Chris and I, and probably most of the female population, have notice that Valentine's Day is geared towards females. There's chocolate and roses and chocolate and candy and chocolate and stuffed animals as far as the eye can see and chocolate and even more chocolate clothed in red, white, and pink. So, women around the world are asking themselves, "What on earth do I get my boyfriend/husband/significant other?" I have found, from asking several different people, including men, that there are four answers to this question: 1) A watch, 2) A necklace, 3) Nothing, or 4) Something creative. What happens when he already has a nice watch, he already wears a necklace constantly, and you are short on the creativity pole and won't accept giving him nothing? Thank you, Hallmark, for creating yet another holiday that brings you profit and manages to leave someone feeling hurt and unloved. -end of rabbit trail-

I aced my math test. I've never aced anything before. It's a great feeling.

My English teacher is, so far, the best teacher I have ever had. She is giving only 5 people in our class the change to judge a UIL competition. I'm not sure if each of us is going to judge one catagory (I think that's what you'd call it) or if all 5 of us will judge everything, but I do know that two of the catagories we'll be able to judge are speech and writing. I'm not sure about the details, but she said that she wasn't inviting the entire class, only 5 specific people. And, we're getting paid to do it! Heh heh heh. The competition is March 24. These are all the details I know right now. I'm sure she'll tell us more later. Just the thought of it is so exciting! What an honor!

Sarah's strutting around on the table with his crest erect - he's so goofy.

Josh and I were talking about the ski trip today and he said that his goal was to get to Parsenn Bowl and to take me with him. He said we'd work our way up to it but that we'd get there no matter what. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm glad he gave me time so I can psych myself up for it. I can't wait to go - I absolutely love to snow ski. Can you believe I'm old enough to be a chaperone?

My quest for Germany continues. I haven't looked up mission organizations yet, but there's still the money factor. I'll wait until next summer if I have to, but I'd rather go this summer, obviously. Maybe I can work with M&A over the summer and then I'll get more money than I woould at the animal clinic. Hmm... *starts scheming*

I'm going to a Bible study tonight with Lucas. I went with him two weeks ago and it was very different from a study at Crossroads. It's in a big church in Southlake (I can't think of the name at the moment) and their music is that of Acquire the Fire or some other youth outreach style get-together. They have lights and loud music and drums in a box (to help mute the drums). Their announcements are done through powerpoint slides and homemade-on-the-computer movies. The speaker presented a mixed message, at least from my point of view. Half of the things he said I agreed with and the other half weren't true at all. Half of what he said had a seeker-oriented feel and the other half was deeper and more solid feeling message. He used about five different translations of the Bible throughout the message, choosing the wording that he liked best to help him get his message across. They had an alter call at the end of the message and at the end of the night I was confused. I wanted him to pick either the truth or lies and stick with one or the other when he spoke. If ever there was a man who could speak both simultaneously, it was he. And something else that I found interesting; he would say the stupidest things and think he was funny. The crowd of college-aged kids would laugh sometimes, but not all the time. I think I laughed once and raised my eyebrow in confusion of how he thought what he said was funny the rest of the time. All-in-all, there was a very seeker approach, but I've only gone once. I've been invited again and I'm going (obviously). We'll see how this one goes - if it's the same seeker service or if it gets deeper.

I must be off, now. I should probably feed myself before I go. See you all later!

Oh! I'm going to the Women's Retreat this weekend and it's going to be a blast!!! Tschüss!

Germany

I want to go to Germany so badly. The only problem is money, at this point. My Mom ok'd it on Sunday when I spoke with her about it. We talked about it over dinner with my family at Mazatlan and when we got in the car, she said that now was the best time in my life to go out and explore the world and learn new things. She mentioned going with a missionary organization and I think that would be great, but I don't know how much of the language I'd pick up, unless they were native speakers. That's really my concern about going to Germany; learning the language. Second is learning the culture.

Oops! I'm going to be late for Bible study. Tschüss!

Found on Priceline.com, assuming I would be leaving in June and coming back in July, these are the prices I've found (not using the "your own price" option):

From Dallas to Berlin, Germany, it would be about $1,200.

From Dallas to Munich, Germany, it would be about $1,100.

From Dallas to Nuremburg, Germany, it would be over $1,300.

Basically, we're looking at over $1,000 for a plane ticket, so the cost of the CCI programs would be about $1,000 more than their quoted price, so it would be about $3,930 for the language school in Munich and starting at $2,450 for the homestay program. This is an awful lot of money, but I know it would be worth it and scholarships are available. Maybe my hopes of traveling to Germany aren't as far from reach as I thought they'd be.

There May Be Hope Yet

I have just looked online and found two different sites on foreign exchange that may actually be feasible. I found a lot, but only two that caught my eye. One may only be for high school students and it costs a lot more, but the price includes airfare and tuition for classes, too.

The one that I speak of is with AYUSA and it would last from June 24 to July 25. I would do homestay (stay with a family in their home) in Cologne, Germany and take language classes in the morning for 4 hours per day. There is no language requirement, which is what I need if I'm to go this summer (I doubt I will since it's so much money). Total price, including airfare and tuition, as I mentioned before, would be $5,699. I couldn't have that by this summer, but they offer scholarships, so I might could get help with that.

The other site that I found has two different options, one is for a homestay only and the other is for language school. With the language school, I have my choice to stay in Munich, Germany for 4 weeks. I would have 25 language classes per week (I'm not sure how many hours per day) and 2 activities per week that are mandatory. I would have my own room in a family's house and the cost would be $2,830, not including airfare and possibly not tuition (the site didn't say). I could go for any four weeks throughout the year.

With the homestay exchange, I would stay in someone's home, anywhere in Germany (I would choose up to three different places on the application, but no guarantees) for any 4 weeks throughout the year. There is a "basic German" requirement, which means that I would have to either take classes over the summer, or take classes at UNT next fall in order to learn the basics and then go to Germany the following summer or spring semester. With homestay, I could choose to participate in two programs consecutively, which means I could stay for up to 8 weeks in two different areas of Germany. Scholarships are available here as well, so applications for aid would most definitely be mailed.

If I had my preference, I think I would choose the AYUSA program simly because there is no language requirement. It does cost significantly more at this point, but I haven't calculated how much airfare and other costs would be in order to add them onto the CCI price and compare final costs. You never know, AYUSA could end up being cheaper.

I think it would be awesome if I could go this summer and get started on learning. I really want to go and I've got a leg up on being informed. If you have any other ideas or sites that I could check out, let me know. I found a ton of sites that are available for high school exchange, but CCI was the only one that had an option for adults. If I went this summer, I might end up having to go with them and doing the language school program just because it might cost less. I'm going to go find out how much a plane ticket to Germany would be...I'll post again later. Tschüss!

Coming Home

THEY'RE COMING HOME TODAY!!! I have never missed my family so much since I can remember. I even miss little William. I didn't even miss them this much when I went on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks with the Hughes'. Nine days. Nine long days. Their plane is expected as of late at 8:26 tonight. Anyone, everyone, come and welcome the Haiti team back! HOORAY!!!

Bad Emotions Suck

I miss being happy. I feel like a lump of nothingness.

the Goings On

Why is it that we have to be forced to do something that we're completely uninterested in? My English class was split into five groups on Tuesday and each group recieved a piece of paper with the name of a literary critiquing style on it. We have been told to give a presentation on Tuesday about five different aspects of our style. Since I had read the chapter that we were supposed to read before coming to class that day, I knew a little about each of the critiquing styles, what the look for, their viewpoint, and so on. The one that I completely disagreed with was the Marxism style and for time and your sanity's sake, I won't go on that rant. Anyway, Tuesday morning, our group representative has returned with our piece of paper. She unfolded the paper and laid it on the table. There it was, in big letters, MARXISM. Just my luck. Now I have to research some crap on Marxism and give some stupid presentation on what I found along with my group. I am really not enjoying this class and if it weren't for the fact that I need 12 hours of class to stay on insurance, I would drop it. I love the teacher, but I'm really hating the class. I DON'T WANT TO BE A FREAKING LITERARY CRITIC!!! There. I got it out.

I found out the other day that Josh's 10-week study abroad trip to Germany will cost about $6,000. My dreams of going to Germany in summers are crushed.

I don't think I have ever been so lonely in my life. You never realize how lonely your own house is until your family isn't there anymore. I have housesat for longer than this and I never got lonely like this. I guess it's different when it's your own house.

I have to go to work today and I don't want to.

I'm very tired and I don't feel good. I haven't been able to sleep well recently. I've also been having dizzy spells. Those little buggers are scary.

I read the entirety of Ecclesiastes. That book is depressing. There is no hope. I was told that it was a great book because when taken out of context, it was depressing as if there was no hope, but that the truth was revealed that God is all you need; He is your hope. I haven't really found this to be true. On occasion Solomon (the author of the book) does mention that God can save us from this wretched place, but the book itself can be summed up in only a few sentances: Don't be too wise, don't be too foolish. Everything under the sun is meaningless. Death is better than life, and having not been born is better than all. Where is the hope in that?

I think I'll go take a nap before I go to work. Maybe I'll get a little relief from my tiredhead and frustrations.

Missing Them

I knew I missed them, but now my heart is broken. I recieved this e-mail just this morning:

Hi, all!

We made it safely to the mission compound in Cayes! No problems other
than minor illnesses. Can't wait to tell you all about it!\

Love,
The Haiti Worship Team

P.S. Julie, I love you! Mom

I wanted them home badly before, but now it's just unbearable having to wait.

I just noticed how lonely I am. Maybe that's why I can't sleep well.

Let 'Em Go

They all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh, as they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

Carrying a millstone malaise
It's been pulling down your gaze
You pound the pavement
It don't give or care
This weight ain't yours to bear
Why you holding grudges in old jars?
Why you wanna show off all your scars?
What's it gonna take to lay your burdens down?
It's a beautiful sound...

And they all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh and they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

When that muffled sigh
Says you're barely getting by
Cut your burdens loose
And just simplify. Simplify!
This is not your floor
You're going higher than before
Drop the weight now wait for the lookout guide
Look outside...

As they all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh, as they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

You gotta lay that burden down
You gotta lay that burden down
It's time to leave your burdens in a pile
Set a bonfire
'Cause when you lay your burdens down
When you drop them burdens
What a free-fall
What a thrill
Bury them all in a landfill

They all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh, oh, they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

Million Pieces by Newsboys

Sometimes, you just gotta let 'em go...
Isn't it nice to be in His hands?

In Response

A response to the comments on my last post:

I thought about going for a double major, but in order for someone to do that the subjects that they want to major in have to be at the same school. Vet tech is in Lancaster, TX at Cedar Valley College, German teacher would most likely be in Denton, TX at UNT. I don't think I can attend two schools at once and there isn't enough time for me to go to one, then the other.

The months have been entered in German from Austria. There were other options, such as Germany from Germany or Switzerland, but I opted for Austrian German just to be different. I'll change it.

I said something stupid again and I'm really hoping I didn't cause any damage. We'll see how it plays out.

My wireless internet has been down the past couple of days and it's really starting to annoy me. Obviously, I'm on a land line at the moment, but I hope to fix the problem. I think I know what the problem might be, but I don't know where my parents keep the internet information and I can't ask them because they're in Haiti.

Speaking of which, off I go to attempt to fix the internet again. Tschüss!

For Now

Wow, so many great comments on the last entry. Thank you all so much for your insight!

For now the plans are these: I will go to school for vet tech and during the summer, I will do study abroad or be a foreign exchange student all summer. That way, I'll get the best of three worlds; I'll have a "sturdy career" that I know I will enjoy, I get to learn German, and I get to learn it from a native tongue and don't use those incredibly formal phrases taught in America. I had noticed (from feedback from friends, of course) that native German or Austrian teachers did a much better job of teaching than the American raised, took classes in college teachers. Granted, I am American raised, but I'll have minor exposure in the summer, enough to get some of the language down, and maybe when I'm done with vet school I can live there for a year or maybe even take a break from vet stuff and live there for a year.

Truth is, given the opportunity, I'd get my basics done and just haul off to Germany and live there for a year and work on language. I wouldn't go to vet school when I got home, but I'd keep my job at the animal hospital. If I moved, I'd find another clinic to work at.

The only problem with following my passion, Mrs. B, is that I don't know if I would enjoy the job of teaching. That's my only concern with going that route. I know my parents wouldn't let/want me to get a degree in German and "do nothing with it" and continue working at the vet clinic. That is what I want to do, but I don't think that's what will happen - things never work out the way I want them to. I don't know what else I would do with a German degree other than teach. I don't think I could work as a translator around here. I really don't know what else I could do with it other than to teach.

I'm thinking and praying about it. I figure it's a good way to get my prayer life back on track, or existing, for that matter. As always, it's a decision between what I want and what others want for me, what's fun and what's good for me. *shrug* It's nothing I can't handle, otherwise God wouldn't have given it to me.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. Oh, Chris, I'd be teaching the little ones the two languages at once. :) Tschüss!

Cannot Decide

Teacher or Vet Tech? This has been a question that has been turning the gears of my mind since school started this year. There are, as is for everything, pros and cons to both, but I cannot decide which would be the best for me in the end.

If I went to school to be a Vet Tech, I would go through school to learn to do something that I enjoy doing and have fun with. I know I can do this job and I know I won't get bored with it because it's a job that uses brainpower and it's not a dead-end job; nothing becomes mundane. I would get reasonable pay (assuming I can find the practice that does so) and I could easily quit when I start having children. I would only need 5 hours per year in order to stay registered and that could be arranged with the local practice. Of course there would be the conferences that I would need to attend to stay informed on the latest medicines and practices and such, but nothing too terribly time consuming.

On the other hand, going to school and majoring in German and minoring in education (and/or English) and teaching German would mean that I had a job that had something to do with one of my passions. I believe that I have a passion about the German language, at least learning it, but I don't know if I could teach it. I say that to people and their response is always the same, "You'll take classes that teach you how to teach." It sounds odd, but it's true; I will take classes that do such things. But just because I take classes on how to teach doesn't mean that I would be a good teacher. If I taught, I would want to be the teacher that makes class fun and interesting; my students would learn through doing and hopefully enjoy the class overall. I'd want to be like Mrs. Souder is to me; fun, engaging, challenging, and encouraging. I don't know if I could be the teacher that I want to be; besides, I talk too much. I'm not sure about the pay; a friend who is a teacher tells me that it depends on the school district. I do not know how easy it would be to quit to have children; I suppose that depends on the district, too. The registration for teachers lasts for 5 years; at the end of which, if you haven't taken a certain number of hours in a continuing education type thing, you have to retake a test to become registered again. I'd have to take a language class before I decided to be a teacher, anyway. I've never been to one and I think I'd need to know how it works.

Ever since I learned that my Great Grandmother came to America from Germany and that my Grandmother, who is full-blooded German, does not speak a word of German, I have been fascinated with the German language and culture, wanting to learn as much about it as possible. I have even toyed with the idea of being a missionary in Germany. They are a dark country and they need the light of God. I want to be a foreign exchange/study abroad student there, live there for a while, to see for myself the details of the language and life there and the culture. There's only so much one can learn from a classroom, you know? I have, for a very long time, wanted to be bilingual and wanted to teach my children a foreign language before they learn English so that the family can speak the foreign language to each other, but know English so that we can function in America. What better way to learn the language than to live in the country and learn it from the natives? Who knows, I may discover that Germany is not as cool as I think it is and decide that I really don't want to be a part of it?

I'm trying to be careful in choosing which way I go. My parents (Mom) say that I should go into the Vet Tech field since I've always wanted to be a doctor and that I seemed to be so passionate about the field not too long ago. It's true, I was, but I hadn't yet learned that my passion for German was attainable. Both careers are equally accessible, both I can quit to have children relatively easily, both involve things that I love. Neither are real concrete on pay, since pay depends on the location of the job. One I am certain to enjoy, the other is not known. One I know I can do, the other is unsure. Do I follow my heart or my brain? Do I pursue what I want or do what I know would be profitable? I want my decision to be my own, not my parents', not my friends'. I don't want others to decide for me, I want to make an informed decision. I suppose I could head for what I want and if I don't like it I can go the other way. I don't know what to do. Any ideas or advice would me much appreciated and very welcome. Have a great night, all.

-End of Transmission-

Woot, Woot!

Hey there all you guys and girls out there! I am in a fantastic mood. I went to school this morning, came home for lunch, went back to school for my last class, and came home again. I got home in a great mood, I washed my car, I dusted and vacuumed inside, I raked the yard and cleaned the kitchen. John cleaned the bathroom, he swept in the living room, dining room and kitchen, and cleaned the kitchen counters and the dining room table. William raked a little bit and we're working on getting him to finish his second load of dishes. In other words, we worked our butts off today and now the house (and my car) is that much cleaner! Woohoo!

I'm really excited about school this semester, too. Here's my schedule:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday
9-10 am: Human Sexuality (psych class)
10-11 am: Beginning Algebra
1-2 pm: Music Appreciation

Tuesday, Thursday
8-9 am: Literature and Composition

I have a couple really cool classes and I'm so pumped about them! I have to go - my parents got home and it's dinner time! Mmmmmm...pizza.....

Read Previous Blog First

Isn't it interesting that a lot of this came up one year ago as well?

Problems

Problems are interesting in that they happen in many different forms to each individual alive. Some problems seem impossible at the time, but really time makes the difference because the answer has to be learned, much like a baby learning to use his hands and fingers. Some problems have an easy answer and may or may not be easy to find, depending on the location of the answer, such as why the toaster doesn't toast anymore when the plug isn't in the electrical socket. Others are problems with varying complexities but all have simple solutions. The catch is that the answers to these problems are virtually unattainable. Schemes can be devised to fix the problem, but each one falls short in some manner. It is these types of problems that can last a lifetime. A lot of these problems are self-inflicted; a single mistake can make one, but oftentimes the mistake isn't known until it's too late to fix the problem. Such problems are the ones riddling my life at the moment. Actually, it is one specific problem that I am sure will haunt me all the days of my life. It is not necessarily something that I did wrong in order to assume this problem, for the responsibility was bound to come someday. I'd like not to have to, but I blame it on poor parenting, in the literal sense. The question is cliche, yes, but I can't help but ask, "Why me?"

No money.

No best friend.

No education.

No trust.

No compassion.

No help.

No support.

No encouragement.

No strength.

I like to think I'm a very capable woman, with the world at my feet. In a way, I am. In the other, I am nothing but a peasant, scrounging for food; settling for dumpster juice.

I am alone in this, it seems. The only friend I thought could empathize has grown away from me. I have no female support, no guidance. I cannot look to the one closest to me except for how not to do things. I cannot trust those far away from me. The friends I once had are now becoming people I despise. There is no one person who has always been there, throughout my entire life, to which I can turn. There is one who will always be with me, or at least I hope. Once again, I feel alone.

I was in such a fantastic mood today. I looked beautiful, but more importantly I felt beautiful (if you're a girl, you know what I mean). I had a wonderful day with Josh, full of all sorts of excitement and surprises. Lunch, armadillos, ice skating, Fun with Dick and Jane (you don't want a movie review from me on this one), dinner, great company, and love. All of a sudden it came crashing down. My once-in-a-blue-moon great mood was slashed and annihilated by reality. Cloud 9 stopped floating; this version of hell I call my life came back into my eyes, bringing nothing but pain, helplessness, and tears with it. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know who to turn to. Until I figure out what to do, my life as I know it will be drowned in tears.

Tschüss.

*throws horns up*

NATIONAL CHAMPIONS! WE DID IT!!! We won the title of national champions at the Rose Bowl tonight. We had a perfect season - completely undefeated! Woohoo! GO LONGHORNS!!!

Long Time, No Speak

Boy, it's been a while. Sorry it's been so long. With all the fuss of the holidays and such, I haven't had much time to post.

My holidays were wonderful this year. Josh loves his blanket (I haven't finished the pillowcase yet), my family loved their presents, Josh and I had a great time when we were with both of our families. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Josh; it's been really great to see him and have him only 20 minutes away again. I'm anxious for school to start again...not looking forward to it.

I found out my grades for last semester, and they were exactly as I predicted. A in English, A in Speech, B in Math (pre-algebra), and D in Biology. I'm going to retake Biology next semester. I'm also going to take English 2 and beginning algebra, the next level of developmental math (it's required). I have to take 12 hours; and I don't know what other classes to take. I'll probably take a history class since I have to. When I register, I'll see how many hours that will be and if I have to take another class, it'll probably be either economics or government. We'll see.

I've seen some new movies, some of which I like, and some of which I don't. One that I'm going to buy as soon as it comes out on DVD in Memoirs of a Geisha. I haven't cried at a movie in a long time. I thought that movie was fantastic. I really, really, want that movie. It was so great. I loved it, anyway.

Well, I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed now. I'll talk to you shmoes later. Hope your holidays were great! Tschüss!