Enough is Too Much

I feel as if I'm going to explode.

There is so much weight pounding down on my mind.

Every test or project feels overwhelming.

There's very little motivation left to keep working at school.

Every Sunday I dread going to work. I don't go but on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

When I am at work, the stress in the air is palpable. I think you could catch a jar of it if you wanted to.

Jason always makes fun of me or women or everything else. He also says the F-word too much. If you paid him $10,000 to not say it for an hour, he'd fail. Also, when he's not making fun of me or someone else, he's complaining or telling his far-fetched attention-getter stories.

Torey has been getting more and more stressed and at lower and lower levels he starts getting impatient. Seeing Torey get bogged down so quickly irks me. He used to be the strong one.

I want to quit so badly, but if I'm ever going to go to a university, I need the money. I would much rather work in a veterinary office, but they'd only pay between $6 and $7; a severe pay cut for me.

The Green-eyed Monster of Jealousy comes out every time I think about Josh's position in life. A family that loves him and shows it, too. A family who can afford to send him to the good school. He was just awarded the position of College Scholar (the second highest in the school) for Computer Science. The ability and intelligence to pursue a PhD later in his school career. His siblings love him and are nearly heartbroken when he leaves for school. They are also overjoyed when he comes home for a visit.

It feels as if there's no way out.

I have to work so hard for everything I get and have. What I have is so little. What I want seems impossible; out of reach.

So far out of reach.

Maybe this is just a pity party.

Maybe this is just hormones.

Maybe this is my pain medication wearing off.

Maybe this isn't really as bad as it seems.

Maybe this is from a severe lack of sleep.

Maybe this is all true.

I get so frustrated at myself for comparing myself with other people. But I can't help it.

How can I make myself happy all the time like Josh is?

I want to be happy all the time. I love being happy. Oh how I love being happy.

I'm extremely happy when I'm around Josh.

Why can't I be extremely happy when I'm away from him? What is preventing me?

How do I keep myself from plunging into these mini-depressions?

Is it me?

Or is it something else?

I wish I did not have problems. If I did not have problems, I would not be normal.

I want to learn the lesson and be done with it.

I need love.

A regular stream of it.

Even if it is trickling.

I need it.

I suppose I am needy in that way.

I need attention.

I need encouragement.

I need someone to listen.

This open space is listening.

I need to hear that you love me.

I need to hear that I can do it.

I need to know you care.

I do know you care.

Show me.

Love me.

Thanks for listening.

Maybe I just try too hard.

I try to please.

I try to love.

I try to help.

I try to encourage.

I try to be supportive.

Does it go unheard?

Unseen?

Unfelt?

I just want a little of the same in return.

There it is. My mind, poured out for you.

Tread lightly.

I hurt.

I Love to Singa

I love to sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a,
I love to sing-a,
About a sky of blue-a, or a tea for two-a,
Anything-a with a swing-a to an "I love you-a,"

I love to, I love to sing!

I was born a singin' fool-a,
Lah-de-dah!
Ol' Major Bowes is gonna spot me,
Got through Yale with boula-boula,
Lah-de-dah!
Old microphone's got me!

I love to sing-a,
I love to wake up with the south-a in my mouth-a,
And wave a flag-a,
With a cheer for Uncle Sammy and another for my mammy,
I love to sing!

If I could put the tune on here, I would. I've had this song stuck in my head for the past two days. You gotta love old 30s-40s cartoons. Merrie Melodies, baby!

Observing went well today. I learned about Wiener Schnitzel. Schnitzel means a small cut, such as meat, like a cutlet. Wiener means that it came from Wien, the capital of Österreich; or for you English speakers out there it came from Vienna which is the capital of Austria. Wiener Schnitzel is a piece of veal that has been breaded and fried. There is also a food called Wiener Wurst, which simly means Viennese sausage. Why the Weinerschnitzel food chain serves hot dogs is unknown. Just thought I'd pass along that information.

For you who can speak German: Führen Baumschmerzen zum Waldsterben?

Die Verbuchung

I observed my first class today. I lucked out and got a German teacher (I think I already said that, but just in case...) who teaches all levels of German. Today I observed his German 1 class and his German 2 class. His name is Herr Shade. When I told my Mom about him last Wednesday, her reply was, "Like brunette?" I didn't get it at first. But, I digress.

Both of his classes were fairly well behaved, though his German 2 class was a lot more interactive, with the teacher, each other, and me. One of the girls spoke Ubbi Dubbi (a made up language from a television show) and when she realized that I knew it too, she got all excited. Herr Shade noticed and asked me to introduce myself to her in Ubbi Dubbi to illustrate the language for the class. The two of us had a short conversation, then Herr Shade had me introduce myself to the class in English. It was awesome! I also got a compliment on my toenails; they're painted the colors of the German flag with the whole flag on my big toe.

The only thing I'm not liking about observing the classes is that I find myself wanting to take notes on the lesson. I catch myself thinking, "You need to write that down," but I don't, because I know if I take one note, there will be many more that follow, and that will not help me finish my notebook for education.

Speaking of which, could you pray for my stress levels regarding getting the notebook finished? I had a dream last night that my education teacher came after me with a sledgehammer because my notebook was less than perfect. The notebook is due on the 11th and I MUST have 16 observation hours. This means that I will be observing until the day before the notebook is due and probably pulling an all-nighter to get the notebook finished. I'm trying to do as much as possible as I go to make it easier on myself later. Nevertheless, I am still anxious about it and worried that I won't do well.

Herr Shade, by the way, speaks German like a native. I wish I could record his voice to show you guys. When he speaks German it is so smooth and virtually flawless. It sounds as if he uses no effort when making the most difficult sounds and letter combinations. He's amazing. And I haven't even observed the AP classes yet!

I am dying to take German classes. I want to learn it so badly! There's only so much that one can teach themselves, especially with language. On fire is a tiny bit too strong, but it's the closest thing to describing how much passion I have for learning the language. I only hope that I can be a translator, a good one at that, and maybe be able to be a guest speaker in a high school or something like that.

I couldn't be a teacher. I see the passion that Herr Shade and the other foreign language teachers have for not only the language they teach but for teaching as well. I see that and I know that that certain passion is not present in me. The passion for the language? Yes. The passion for wanting others to learn it? Yes. But the passion to get into the classroom and endure grueling planning sessions, long hours, working at home, and non-instructional duties just makes me turn my nose up at the whole idea. Maybe I need to go for my masters not just for fun, but so that I can be a college professor and teach in that way. I would still have to plan and work long hours, but the non-instructional duties would be fewer, at least from a student's perspective.

I had better scoot and get some more of this notebook stuff finished. Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate the advice and comments. I'll look into that German Bible, Lori. Danke schön! Gute nacht.

And Then There Were None

We are officially a dog-less family today. I woke from a nap today to my Mom knocking on my door. "We're taking Oreo. Do you want to say goodbye?" she asked. She didn't have to say where; I knew. I went and took pictures and a video of Oreo before we left. My parents, William, and I took him to Animal Control. When you hand a dog over, it has four days to get adopted. After the four days, they euthanize the animal. On Wednesday, he'll be dead.
Here are the pictures of him from today:


After taking Oreo, my parents had some errands to run. We dropped stuff off at Goodwill and then took a box of books to the used bookstore. We all took some time to look around the bookstore. I bought three books written in German (to help me learn through sort of immersion). The first is called Alle Meine Träume by Rona Jaffe; the second is called Die Buben der Frau Opterberg by Rudolf Herzog, published in 1931 (though the copyright date is 1920); the third is Neuester Lieder-Kranz für fröhlidje Sänger & Sangesfreunde, indistinguishable author. Die Buben der Frau Opterberg was very interesting to me not only for its age, but also for the fact that it is written in old script (the Olde English style letters), which will be interesting to decipher. The song book, Neuester Lieder-Kranz, is also written in old script and looks to be the eldest of the purchased books.

After we went to the bookstore we took the books that the store didn't buy to Goodwill, then we went to Catfish King and ate crappy catfish.

A classmate of mine reminded me last night that my history teacher has set Monday as the due date for our next four page paper. Similar to the last one we had to write, she has not taught on the subject whatsoever. What is different from the last paper is that the class is about 20 years past this subject, which means that we will all have to teach ourselves everything that we need to know to write this paper. This only adds to the frustration of everything this week.

I had to take my car into the shop on Friday, but I couldn't get it in until noon and they got really busy after I called them at 9:00. They said they would call if they were able to look at my car that afternoon and I didn't receive a call. This means that they won't even look at my car until Monday, which means I will be dependent on Lara for a ride to and from school and on my Dad for a ride to work.

All-in-all, this has been the worst spring break of my entire life.

Something positive: I got a new television. I bought it with my own money. I've been saving for a while and now I finally have it. I got it set up Wednesday. It looks nice in my room. It's a 24" widescreen LCD television. It was on sale at the JCPenny Outlet Store in Grapevine Mills mall. I am so glad that I am able to buy things like this and save most of my money at the same time.

Frustrated

I am extremely frustrated with my mother. I am sick of her selfish attitude and her incessant whining and complaining. It never stops! The thing that has made me angry today concerns our dog.

Our dog Oreo is an elderly dog with severe arthritis problems and allergies. I have come to the realization that his life isn't going to continue for much longer, because my parents can not afford to give him the proper care that he needs. I want to make the rest of his life as comfortable as I can. He hasn't been bathed in months and his fur is full of mats and hasn't been brushed on a regular basis. I had brushed him out almost completely a couple of weeks ago, but was waiting for warmer weather so that I could shave his coat to one inch in length and give him a bath. Well, now it's warmer and I set everything up to shave him and bathe him.

My mother helped me get the shaver set up and she stood there watching as I tried to shave him. She tried for a minute or two and gave up. I thought that maybe we could take him to a groomer and suggested it. She said that she doesn't want to spend any money on him. She said that if I was going to take him to a groomer, I might as well take him to Animal Control and let them put him down. I said that I am tired of treating our dogs like crap and that I want to make him as happy as possible until he goes. She shot back by saying that she found my bird with zero water in his bowl. This was either made up or it happened last week, because I check Sarah's food and water daily. I checked it the day I left for my house sitting job last week and had asked the family to make sure he was taken care of while I was gone. She tried to say that I hadn't changed the paper in his cage in months, but that is also false because I changed it the week I left to house sit. She had nothing else to try and pin me with, so she left the room, leaving me with the dog.

I spent 30 minutes brushing out one side of Oreo's coat (he was laying on his side because he's terrified to be in the kitchen) so that the shaver wouldn't get stuck in his fur quite as bad. I was also having to hold his head down by leaning my arm behind his skull so that he couldn't bite while brushing and attempting to shave him. He had snapped at my mother when she tried shaving him because she wasn't being very gentle. The shaver was still having a hard time and I needed two hands to get the fur to go through the shaver properly, so I called to my mother for help. No answer. I tried again a few minutes later. No answer. I got so frustrated that I let the dog up, picked up all the fur I had brushed out/shaved off and threw it away.

I realized that since I can't to this by myself and that my brothers are to impatient to stay with me and help and my mother is her, that maybe it would be worthwhile to take Oreo to a groomer and pay whatever is necessary to get him shaved and bathed. Then my experience in the veterinary clinic kicked in. Dogs are not allowed at the groomers if they haven't had their shots recently. Oreo hasn't been to the vet since he came into this house. This means that either I take him to the vet and pay about $80 for a well exam and shots and then pay however much it is to get him groomed and bathed, or I do the best that I can with what I have, no matter how horrible he looks when I'm done, or I just leave him the way he is, looking miserable and pathetic. I haven't figured out what to do yet. I don't want to leave him the way he is, but I don't want him to look bad, either. My mother told me not to spend money on him, but it wouldn't be her money that's spent, it would be mine. Besides, with the way she's been acting, the defiance of taking the dog to the vet and groomer would be satisfying, although I'm desperately trying not to let that influence my decision. I'm leaning towards taking him to the vet, but I'll talk to Josh about it and see what he thinks. Maybe I'll ask my Dad and see what he thinks.

Time is Lacking

I really wish there were more hours in the day so I could get more stuff done.

I went rollerblading yesterday afternoon with my brother. The wind was so constant and strong that the sky turned orange with dust. There were wind gusts of up to 65 mph. Needless to say, I got knocked over by the wind once. I hit the grass really hard and skinned up my knees really bad. I hit the ground so hard I had grass stains. It was fun though. Good workout.

Work is going ok. I'm going to apply at Starbucks on Monday. They give their employees good insurance, which is what I'll need when I take off school next year. I might end up going for an associate's if NCTC has one that corresponds with my major, but if they don't then I'm screwed for insurance. If I don't take 12 hours of school, my parent's insurance company(ies) won't cover me anymore since I'm over 18. There are a lot more pro's, but I don't feel like writing them out. There are only a couple of con's, which makes the idea that much better.

I get to see my boyfriend this weekend. I'm outrageously excited about that. Nana is even letting me cook on Saturday. I'm making my Spicy Chicken Spaghetti for them. It's going to be awesome!

School is going well. I'm really enjoying math. I learned how to do Karnaugh maps from Josh and now I feel really smart. I'm really enjoying my history class, though I do wish there were more than 3 tests in the class for the whole semester. My education class (Intro to Teaching) is going ok. I haven't started my observation hours yet. I have to do 16 before the end of the semester and I'm worried that I won't have enough time to get them all in.

I forgot about the observation hours. I may start Starbucks in the summer.

I have homework to do. It's not due until the end of the week, but if I do it now, that means more play time during the week. Tschüss!

Wow

Time flies when you're busy...or something.

I regret not having more time to spend whining about my life, but it's probably best for your sanity that I don't. There's so much that's been going on lately. I could write for an hour and still not be able to tell you everything on my mind/what's been going on. Maybe I can find time sometime soon. Not this weekend though because I have to pick Mom, Dad, and John up from the airport (they're returning from Haiti this weekend) and I have to get William from Grandma's house. I'm going to be so sick of the car. :P

I just set up a facebook account. I'm pretty excited about that one.

I'm nodding off as I type, so I think I'll head to bed. 8 o'clock classes demand sleep. Gute nacht.

Things on my mind...

NaNoWriMo
National Novel Writing Month. Founded by a man named Chris Baty, it is a contest of sorts to write a 50,000 word novel in just one month, worst case scenario, 30 days. He wrote a book about it called No Plot? No Problem! which gives advice to those wishing to attempt the feat advice on how to find time, how to prepare, and a week by week this-is-what-you'll-be-going-through-and-how-to-fix-it section. I'm reading the book to prepare and get ideas and support. NaNoWriMo is usually in November, but since I found out about the last few days of November, I'll have to choose my own month. I would have done December, but it's already three days into the month and, according to plan, I should have 5,001 words written and I have nothing so far. I'm choosing January to be my NaNoWriMo, that way I have time to prepare and warn everyone where my free time (ha!) will be spent. We'll see what happens. Maybe I'll just start writing down ideas and I'll be able to run with it. Who knows?

Flute
Tonight I was hanging out with some friends of mine and between the three of us the piano, recorder, and flute were played. My friend, Ruth, who has played flute for 8 years and currently teaches flute lesssons graciously offered me her flute and taught me how to play it. I had been complimenting her and saying how I could never quite get it down when I had tried before, so she taught me how to do it. I played three notes, high and low, and I even trilled! Ruth was telling me how amazed she was that I "found my spot" (the place to hold your mouth to make the sound) and held it rather well, something that she couldn't nail for a year and her current student is still having problems with. She said I was a natural. After that and watching her play with Jordan, who plays the piano, and her boyfriend Ryan, who also plays the piano, makes me want to learn how to play the flute. I'm actually seriously considering taking lessons from Ruth like she so casually suggested to me. We'll see.

Living Arrangements
Apartment or On-Campus Housing? This is the question that has been rolling around in my mind for the past week or so. I see benefits and disadvantages to both. If I were to move into an apartment, I would want at least two roommates, but finding a third person is proving to be tricky. That and I have to convince the already "roommate" to allow a third person. Living on-campus (in Arlington) would give me the dorm experience, plus the convenience of not having to cook/buy my own food, wake up way, way early in the morning just to make class, the saving of gas by not commuting, etc. The disadvantages are, one, not knowing who I'd room with. Private rooms are available, but that wouldn't give me the complete "dorm experience." If I did start taking flute lessons, it'd be a heck of a drive. Two, I'd be living in Arlington. It's not known for it's safety, I can tell you that much. I haven't visited campus yet to know how protected it is, IF it is. Three, I'd be farther away from my friends, so I'd have to make trips to go see them. Four, I wouldn't be able to use the dishes and kitchen things that I've already bought for the apartment.

The advantages of an apartment would be that I have my own space, I choose which town I live in, I'd be closer to my friends and church, I wouldn't have to bother my parents by coming home every weekend to go to church, and such other things. Disadvantages would be having to pay bills every month, having to commute to school, having to cook and buy groceries, clean up (vacuum, mop, dust, etc.), and such things related to having an apartment.

I know that if I do get an apartment that it will be very unlikely for me to live on-campus ever. I'm having a very hard time making up my mind about this. I could handle either one, no doubt, I just have to decide which one I want. It's a tough decision. Plus I don't want to hurt the feelings of my friend whom I'd get an apartment with, though I'm trying not to let that sway what I want. It's hard.

Those are the main things that have been on my mind recently. Those, and I wish I were only a few years older so that my dream could finally come true. Once again, we'll see.

Have a great day, everyone, and I will talk to you all later. Tschüss!

Needing Advice

Is it possible to be good friends with an ex-boyfriend? Details are extensive and certainly play a giant role in my thinking, but I wanted to see the answer to the general question. Please, if you have anything you want to ask about this, please, please call me - I really want to know your thoughts and any advice that you might have.

It's Been A While

Wow. Two months. Too long for me to be gone. So much has been going on. Life is hectic, proven by how often I have time to update this thing. We'll try going through each catagory of life for me and see what happens.

School is going ok. I'm tired of this semester. It's not going anything like I expected it to. I expected my favorite classes to be English and math and for me to have to drag myself to government and biology. As it turns out, biology is my favorite class, work-wise. My English teacher, Donna Souder, still holds the title for favorite teacher. I am sad that I won't be taking any of her classes next semester - they're all literature classes (aside from the Comp II class that I already took) and this semester in World Lit II has proven that I do not do well with literature, that writing is most definitely my strong point. I'm not doing terrible grade-wise, but then again, I don't have my grade for government yet. >:|

Work has been alright. I talked with Ed about Rob staring at me and checking me out and he had a talk with him and Rob actually treats me like a person now. It's great! I found out yesterday that two of my co-workers have put in their two weeks notice. One of them I was surprised about; I hadn't expected him to quit. He's a good worker and a great guy. It'll be tough without him.

Joshua is doing wonderfully. His school is going well for him and we've had several opportunities to visit each other since he went off to school. He and I as a couple are doing fantastic. It'll be two and a half years on November 16! It feels like it's been longer than that, but that's usually how it goes, right?

I got to meet Joshua's grandparents, his mom's mother and her husband, last week. They are so cute! His grandpa always called me "Miss Julie" and loved talking to me. The cool thing was that he remembered what I said I was interested in. He'd ask me questions and then tell me something later that related to my answer. For instance, I told him that I was interested in being a verbal translator for German when he asked me what I was going to do with my German degree. An hour or two later, during dinner, he told me about this author who wrote letters while he was in prison in Germany during World War II. This guy had lived in America and when he heard that his family was being persecuted, he went into Germany to try and help them. He found himself in jail and it was interesting because he could look outside the window and watch buildings explode from bombings. The only problem is that the author's name has escaped my memory, so I can't buy the book. I'll have to have Todd (Joshua's dad) e-mail Grandpa and get that author's name from him.

Something interesting happened not too long ago. My ex-boyfriend, T.J., messaged me on instant messenger. I hadn't heard from him in over a year. It was shocking to me for him to contact me because last I talked to him, he was quite bitter still. He said that he remembered my screen name and figured he'd see how I was doing. That and he wanted to confess. Apparently when we were going out he had felt up and made out with one of my friends. It took him a long time to get over his guilt, which looked like bitterness to everyone else. The only reason I believe him is because 1: he had never lied to me before, 2: if he was trying to get an ego boost from his little story, he ruined his opportunities to get ego boosts several times throughout the conversation following, 3: if he was lying, he would have told me the story when I broke up with him, just to hurt me, 4: if the story was made up, why was he so guilty (it took him forever to finally tell me) about something that never happened? It's interesting because after he told me he's been messaging me and converses relatively easily. He told me all about this girl that he's interested in, all about her life story and such things. I even got to talk to her and T.J. at the same time; we did so for about three hours while I was working on a paper for government.

I'm not sure what to think about me talking to him though. I always wait for him to talk to me first and I am very alert to what he says and to what I say. It's weird though because he talks to me like we've been friends for years. I'm not the type of girl that hates all men after a break up. If my ex and I can be friends still, go for it, if you can't, then oh well. I'm just not sure if I should follow my own advice anymore. I'm going to talk to Joshua about it as soon as I can. I haven't yet because we've both been busy and haven't had the time for a good conversation. We'll see what he says.

Apartments are still up in the air. The complex Lara and I were wanting to move into turns out to be a bad one, told to us by someone who used to live there. I'm not sure where we'll go yet. I thought about trying to find some apartments in Carrollton, since they're cheaper over there. The only problem is, I don't know if that would be a central enough location. I suppose it's better to drive a little further to get a cheaper/better apartment, but still. I haven't spoken with Lara about the apartments recently. Now that my hours have been cut back at work, I'm not making as much money as I used to, so I don't even know if I can afford to move out at all. The thought saddens me, but what's a couple more years at home? The worst case scenario is that I'll live on campus at UTA and visit home every weekend and save my money so that I can move out whenever I can afford it. *shrug* I'll figure something out.

I've been pining for Germany recently. I just want to go so badly. I want to be there to see the people, to hear the language, to learn about the culture, to be engulfed by the scenery of the mountains around me... The longing in my heart grows stronger the more I think about being there. I dreamed of being in Germany and Austria last night; it was beautiful. I really want to go. I'll get my chance soon enough.

Well, I have a paper to write for English, so I'd better go. Sorry it's been so long since I updated. I'll try and update more frequently. Have a great day! :D

An Ego Boost

For English class we were given an assignment. We had to mimic either Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" or Alexander Pope's "The Rape of the Lock." I chose to mimic Jonathan Swift, simply because I couldn't figure out for the life of me what Pope was saying. I only knew what his piece was about because Mrs. Souder had told us. Anyhoo, I've been rushed with homework all week this week, so any assignment that was due on one day was completed the night before. I started thinking of my ideas at work when I was bored (which is a lot) and ran through most of the paper in my head. I got home, typed in up in only a couple of hours, and sent it in, just 30 minutes before the due time. I hate having to do that, but when it's necessary, it must be done. Anyway, Mrs. Souder liked it so much that she read it in front of the class as an example. She told the class that it was the closest possible thing to actually being the real work and that I displayed all of the elements of satire perfectly. Of course, my ego was swelling with every word. Here's the piece if you should like to read it, that and I'd like to show off a little bit. It's not every day that I come up with something like this. It also gets some frustrations with work made a little more inconspicuously public.

A Simple Proposition

By Julie Hawkins

Inspired by “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift

A cure for the disease which plagues the majority of those who work for a living, also promoting a healthy working environment to benefit the health of those involved.

It is sad to say that when the people on the streets of America are questioned, the majority of them respond that no, they aren’t happy with their place of work. They dread going to work in the morning. They almost dread the weekends, knowing that work is just around the corner again. Those who only have one day off are sicker than the others because they have greater exposure to the disease.

There are approximately 297,000,000 people living in the United States of America. Of those, 38,000,000 are over the age of 65 and are either retired or too weak to work. There are 61,000,000 people who are age 14 and under who are legally too young to work, leaving 198,000,000 people who are of age to work. From this number remove the sick, unemployed, and those who enjoy their jobs, which is 57,000,000 and that leaves 141,000,000 people who work for a living and thus are exposed to the disease.

When the workplace is visited, the worker bees work daily with tired eyes, a sore head, and muscle pains from not only working overtime, but also from daily, unavoidable conversations. The worker bees grow physically sick because of stress alone, stress they acquire at their places of work. These are all typical symptoms of the disease that has swept the nation.

The disease is, in short, is insufficient bosses, managers, the higher-ups, the management. They are insufficient, not because their numbers are small, but because they either lack intelligence, friendliness, the ability to lead others in a way that benefits the company as a whole, the ability to do whatever work is needed of him to help the company to prosper financially and to keep those under him as content as possible, and also lacks the ability to limit self desires in order to make the company the smoothest-running and most prosperous company that he can. This is not to say that females are not allowed in management, they can most certainly make excellent leaders and developers of the company as well.

Having spoken with a friend from Ireland, I believe that his ideas combined with my own make for a very well thought-out and decent plan which will eliminate the chances of allowing insufficient people into management. This will make the working environment much more productive and pleasurable for the worker bees simply by reducing the stresses of having to work for a boss who only cares for his wallet, or how good he looks to his own bosses.

My proposition is that there will be a standardized test written, called the Management Qualification Assessment Test, or the MQAT, covering nearly all information that a person in management would ever need to know for any type of situation, no matter how realistic, plausible, or feasible. Before taking this test, the candidates will take a brief informational course on what the test covers, so as to be fair to all who take the test. The candidates may only take the MQAT once every six months at a given location. The score after taking the test will determine the status of that person’s job.

If the candidate makes a score of 50 or lower, they will be pushed down the stairs in front of everyone in the company for even thinking that they were management material. This candidate is then given the option of either staying at the current company at his current position, or he may choose to leave the company to try and make management elsewhere.

If the candidate achieves a score between 50 and 79, this candidate will be allowed the lowest level of management possible. Their poor score will be rewarded with two dollars an hour less than every one of the worker bees below him and he will receive a half-hour lunch break while his workers have one-hour breaks for lunch. If any opportunities to promote managers in his position arise, he will be overlooked and not considered for promotion because he did so poorly on the MQAT.

If the candidate attains a grade between 80 and 94, the candidate will be awarded with the lowest management position, as all managers start at the bottom. However, he will be allowed a one-hour lunch break, just as those below him. He is also guaranteed to make three dollars more per hour than the position directly below him, be they worker bees or another manager. He will be considered for any opportunities of promotion, in which he will be alerted, take the MQAT once more and if his score is acceptable in the same way, he will receive a promotion and a pay raise.

If the candidate accomplishes a grade between 95 and 100, he will be shoved down a flight of stairs in front of all of the company and will be physically picked up and thrown out of the building, no longer having a job there. No one is that close to perfect and any manager with that high of a score will have an ego to go with it and treat his workers in a condescending manner. This behavior is not at all tolerable, hence his being let go from the company.

I have spoken with worker bees themselves about which they would rather have put in place, this proposition, or have the current managers and all after them to be assessed monthly, in the work they complete themselves, in the way they treat those below them, and how they please those above them. If they are disagreeable in one or all of the categories, a suggestion is made for behavioral change, and, if after three months, the same problems arise, a new manager will be trained for his position. Every worker bee chose my proposition, thus proving to me that this proposition will be quite prosperous in the work place and also achieving a more constructive and productive work environment. Fewer sick days will be needed by the worker bees from a less stressful environment, increasing the ability for happiness and production throughout the company. The work put forth by the worker bees and the managers themselves will be whole-hearted and sincere, making the workplace, and weekends, that much more desirable and healthy.

Work has been going relatively well. I've been able to be upstairs instead of downstairs by myself with nothing but the mundane chore of hard drives to do with no one for conversation except for my own mind, which gets a little scary after a while. Jason, Torey's friend and "the new guy," who has been up there for about a month, has created the knickname of "Knob" for Rob. The funniest part about it is that Jason can call him Knob to Rob's face and he still doesn't realize that Jason isn't using his real name. We all think it's hilarious and we know we shouldn't laugh, but it's just so funny.

I'm managing to be polite to him, though I do try to avoid him as much as the others do. He's been better about not looking at my chest ever since I brought it up to him by way of conversation. He had asked me to lunch, "for business reasons" and could only take me by myself (without any other co-workers) because I am female and he doesn't want me to get offended. His words, not mine. I turned him down flat and told him that since he wanted to ask me questions about work, he could write them on a piece of paper, hand it to me, and I would turn it in to him the following morning. I have not yet seen a piece of paper with questions on it.

Anyhoo, he had brought up that he had taken everyone out to lunch except for me "because you're afraid" and Jeff and Chuck. At first I said that I wasn't afraid, but then I changed my answer and said that I was. He responded with, "Oh no! He's going to hit on me!" in a mock voice. I told him that that's wasn't what I was afraid of, that I was used to him doing that all the time. He doubted, so I did nothing but look at his chest and say that he had never ever spoken to me the way I was speaking to him, looking at his chest the whole time, only flicking my eyes up to his face infrequently. He said that if he had done that, it was unintentional, blah, blah, blah. For about a week after that he avoided looking at me if at all possible. It was awesome! He'll actually look at me now when he talks, but he very rarely glances.

School has been going. I've been bombarded with homework for the past week solid. It hasn't been fun. I've been up until midnight every night except for last night. It's quite exhausting.

I got a PS2 and DDR this week. It's so much fun to play. I'm so happy that I can play DDR at my house, just the fact that I can say that I have DDR. I've been wanting to own DDR for about three years. Now I finally have it and it feels great. Now I can work out whenever I want to and get better at DDR! Woohoo!

Have a great night, everyone!

Small Update

I have two new names that Rob gave me. The first is "Juliekins" and the other is "Julieness." His favorite is Julieness, though. It's better than Jill, I suppose. Speaking of work, we've all gotten to the point where we just put up with Rob's stupidity; we've given up hope on him. He's learning, though, which is good. He's getting to the point that my mom was at: Ed says this, reality is that, he's stuck in the middle. He's not sure what to do. Sometimes he follows Ed, sometimes he doesn't. He has made some good changes since he's been here, so that's good.

Lara and I are going to work out on Tuesday and Thursday mornings, that should be fun and productive for both of us. We're doing good on getting furniture already...Lara's friends have donated a twin bed with mattress and box springs included, a couch, a coffee table, an end table, and a desk. On top of the furniture that I'll be bringing from the house, we'll only have to buy a dining table and chairs! God works when you least expect Him to.

It's still sad coming home to only one puppy face. I miss Sandy, though I'm glad that he's not suffering anymore. I'm sure his mouth hurt him bad. I often times wished there were something I could do for him, but there wasn't anything. My poor puppy. I miss him.

I went to Barnes and Noble after work to buy some things for school and I realized that I had to pull myself out of the store. I could spend hours in there looking at all sorts of different books. I never realized that I enjoyed that store as thouroughly as I do...interesting. *shrug* You like what you like, right?

My schedule is quite busy and I haven't been sleeping well lately, regardless of the number of hours I allow myself. I'm not sure why I can't sleep well, I've done everything I can to make myself comfortable. Maybe I should physically wear myself out before I go to bed. How? Besides playing DDR (which I don't have yet), I can't think of anything. Any ideas on how to sleep better?

Speaking of sleeping, I need to do some. I have a lab quiz tomorrow - yuck. Sleep well, you guys! Gute nacht!

A Tribute to Sandy

At 6:15 this morning my mother woke me up. She said, "I know it's kind of early, but...Sandy's dead." When my Dad found him with his head resting on William's shirt in the floor of the laundry room, he was already stiff. He died in his sleep, the best way to go. My educated guess is that he died because his teeth were so bad (we couldn't afford to get them cleaned) and all the bacteria from his mouth got into his blood stream and rotted his organs; mainy the liver and kidneys are affected.

I found out this afternoon that he didn't eat his food yesterday morning. My Dad put Sandy's soft food in his bowl for him and he sat pretty for it (that's what we called it when he sat up straight and tall), but he didn't eat it. He just looked at it. My opinion is that he knew he was going to die.

It's still so surreal. I got home from my friend's house and he wasn't there at the door. I realized that I would never see him again. I would never pet him, hug him, be hugged by him (he'd wrap his paw around your leg), I would never be able to tell him to go away because his breath smelled bad, I would never be comforted by him ever again. He was eight years old.

This is my tribute to a great dog and a wonderful companion.

Goodbye, Sandy-Dog. We'll miss you.

Great News

I have some absolutely wonderful news, everyone! I just found out this afternoon that everyone at work gets a three day weekend!!! This is truly "the greatest thing since running water" as my math teacher, Dr. Kern, said this morning. I am so pumped...I get to spend the whole weekend with Josh!

Speaking of Dr. Kern, she is the funniest math teacher ever. She's what some would consider mean, in that the remarks she makes could be taken as cutting by themselves, but the way she says them is not at all offensive. She always has un upbeat tone of voice and she says cool a lot. She's an older lady, probably in her late 40's or in her 50's and she reminds me a lot of Aunt Mary, my mom's aunt. She's a sweet lady, she really is.

Here's my schedule of classes, for those of you that would like to know:

Montag, Mittwoch, und Freitag (MWF):
900-950: American National Government with Mrs. Hooper
1000-1050: General Biology with Mrs. Decker
1100-1320: General Biology Lab with Mrs. Gay (Wednesdays only)

Dienstag und Donnerstag (TR):
800-920: World Literature Two with Mrs. Souder
930-1050: Intermediate Algebra with Mrs. Dr. Kern

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday are my least favorite days, but the classes are shorter and it's only for a couple of months. If I was thinking, I could have taken government and biology during the summer and get it over with. Or "Rip it like a band-aid" as Donna (Souder) was saying this morning.

Things at work are going ok. We're all getting used to Rob's idiocy, but that doesn't make it any less annoying. We're learning to cope, but it's going to take a while before we get used to him and can cope with him more easily. The revolt last Saturday worked; no one showed up for work and Ed and Rob were dumbfounded. They didn't do much of anything because they didn't know how to. It was great.

I've got a lot of reading to do before Tuesday, but I want to get it done now so I don't have to worry about it over the weekend. Josh is coming in town, plus with a three day weekend, I'll get to sleep in! Talk to you all later. Bis später, meinen freunden!

Part 2

I know what I worte before sounds ridiculous. I don't know why such a tiny thing set me over the edge. I've been trying not to let it ruin my day, but apparently it's stonger than my will is. It bothers me that I'm bothered by such a small thing. He didn't know that I drew those, he didn't know they contained such sentiment to me. But then I think, why am I defending this loser?

Today Ed and Rob brought up two pallets of flattened cardboard boxes. Each pallet (and contents) are about waist high. The thing worth mentioning is the two pallets were literally stacked on top of each other. The whole thing in height stood taller than Torey, the tallest man on the Mezzanine. It was close enough to the railing that if it fell the right way, it could have fallen off the Mezzanine and injured not only the workers below, but the computers as well. It was definitely NOT worksite safety. Two of the guys unloaded the top pallet and un-stacked them, so everything's fine now. If I can get the picture from my phone onto here, I'll post it for you. Break's over, gotta go.

Rob

I've finally broken. The soft exterior covering the true hard feelings beneath has been worn down. I could handle his annoying, cheesy little sayings and his constant conversations with my chest, or the fact that he's a mini Ed, he doesn't sweat details, and he has no idea what he's doing. He "cleaned up" his little work area. He destroyed all the fun things we had up there. We stuck little rubber feet on the edges of the monitor to make it look like a face, we had different sticky feet on the edge of the printer, all to make the work place a little more fun in Green Light times (where we're in a rush and the environment gets extremely stressful). He wadded up and threw away the post-it-note pictures I had drawn and my Mom kept up there when I was going to throw them away. I got them out of the trash can as soon as I knew they were in there. The hardest one to recover from the wad of post-its and tape was my Mom's favorite one, the one depicting a family/work joke. I don't know why, but it brought me to tears. I've had it with this guy. We all want him gone. We all want Carol back.

200th Post

Well, folks, this is my two-hundredth post here on Guin's Mind. Thanks for sticking with me.

Since my last post a lot has gone on in my life. First of all, there's a new work situation. The night I returned from vacation, Josh took me home and stayed to talk with my parents and brothers (and to play with the dogs and Sarah). I had text messaged my Mom that morning saying that I was very tired and that I didn't know if I'd be at work the next morning (this was a Thursday) and the only response I got from her was, "We'll talk when you get home." It sounded troubling, but I thought either she was in a bad mood or there was something I needed to know, but I knew I'd find out which was the answer when I got home.

Anyhoo, Josh and I are sitting in the living room and Mom is telling me about the situation that had risen the past Monday. Mom's boss, Ed, came to her that Monday and asked her to come to his office. There, he told my Mom that she wasn't working on the Mezzanine anymore, that she'd be working with Richard on deliveries (he's the boss-guy for all the computer deliveries to schools). The next day, the new guy started upstairs.

I found out that this guy used to work for the cable company (not sure what position, but it wasn't management) and he is a Sergeant in the army. Basically, this guy had no idea what he was doing up there and he's supposed to be in charge of about six people. Ed fired my Mom because he made outrageous promises to the owner of the company and his two vice-presidents and ended up not meeting them over and over again. The three aforementioned importants started complaining to him that he wasn't meeting what he promised. Therefore, he blamed everything on my Mom by saying that she wasn't working the crew hard enough to produce his outrageous promises. He also didn't like the fact that she thought logically and would tell him when he was telling her to do something that wasn't productive. So he fired her and hired someone who has no idea what to do.

Everyone I talked to about the new boss, Rob, thought he was an idiot and hated him. All of us wanted him to go back where he came from and most of us wished Mom back in position. Prediction number one: met as expected. At first he had this arrogant air about him; he obviously thought he was hot stuff. After a couple of days, (he'd been there for a full week before I started back after vacation) he'd seemed to lose his arrogancy for the most part, and was more open to observation. At the end of the third day, he came up to me and told me that since my Mom had made things to run smoothly and since everyone already knew how things worked except for him, that we should just keep working like we were and he'll pretty much keep things the same, only making a few minor changes here and there.

A few things bother me about him. He won't stop calling me Jill. He never calls me that to my face, but whenever referencing me to other people, he calls me Jill. I've overheard him doing it three times. It's even funnier because he came upstairs and screamed, "JULIE ANN!" I figured he had just come from talking to Ed because he only knew our names if he talked to Ed, he'd never ask us what our name was. Anyhoo, after he screamed my name, he told me that his eaughter's name is Julie Ann and then whipped out a picture of her. He still calls me Jill.

Another thing that bothers me is when you have a conversation with the guy, you almost always hear something that you never needed to hear. Too much information doesn't exist for this guy. He doesn't hold back. It's gross.

He's not the best flatterer either. When he first met Seanathan (who is a bit overweight) he told him to get a haircut and to lose 50 pounds. You don't say that to someone you know, much less a complete stranger, that's just rude.

*sigh* Anyways, I'm in Austin right now visiting Josh's grandparents with his family. Nana's birthday is on Monday. We drove down this morning and made pretty good time. Josh's Aunt Kim came, too. Uncle Kyle stayed with the dog and had work to do. Josh's cousin Jeff is a doctor in an emergency room and had a shift tonight. Small party, but we all had fun and got to see Josh's pictures from Germany (which makes me sad that I can't go for a while) and Austin, Josh, and I took turns playing DDR.

Lara and I will be hitting the books again in October to see what finances will be like then to further develop the apartment situation. She just got a new job which will put her at the same income as me, so that's fantastic. We should move in sometime in January. We're going to go ahead and wait until then to give us time to adjust to our school and work schedules and such things. Besides, you can't go shopping for furniture overnight!

Josh is begging me to play cards with him, so I'd better go. Austin and Lindsey are kicking each other in mock Ninja Turtle fights. It's funny. Bis später!

It's comforting to know that somebody misses you. Thanks, Lori, for making me feel special.

I've found the place I want to live. It's beautiful, well kept, the office staff seem really nice, although from what I've heard they always do before you move in. The apartments themselves are incredible. You walk in and you feel like you're in a tiny house - it doesn't feel like an apartment at all.

Lara and I want to be roommates, but she can't move in until she gets her own affairs sorted out, which probably won't be until January. I was wanting to move out between the end of August to the end of September, somewhere in there. I'm not sure if I should hunt for a different roommate until Lara can move in or if I should just wait to move out. It'd be a lot of money, but I can afford it and I think it would be a very liberating experience. I probably won't be moving out anytime soon - I have to get the whole roommate thing situated, if I want to live in these apartments. I could find something within my price range and live alone, but I think it'd be fun (for now) to have a roommate. Besides, if someone else is living with me, we can get a nicer apartment since we're splitting the bill.

Vacation has been great so far. We're sunburned even though we used sunscreen. We only put it on once yesterday and today we put it on twice and it was cloudy for the last half of the day and we're more sunburned from today than from yesterday. Go figure.

I'm learning how to program right now...gotta run!

Sorry For the Wait

Hey guys. Sorry it's been so long. I haven't had much time recently to get on and blog. At least I know there are four of you out there... :)

Russia was great. I miss it already. We had the debrief two weeks ago. The slideshow that Kelley, Angela, and I made turned out well on the big screen. The movie was killing people of boredom, but that's the only thing that "went wrong" so to speak.

Yes, Lori, you were right. Friday was the big day. Josh came home that afternoon and even though I was forty minutes early, I still missed him walking into the baggage claim. Needless to say, I was extremely upset about that. Dealing with terminal D at DFW is mayhem. Anyhoo, Josh came in and his family and I went out to eat at Love and War in Texas. Really cheesy Texan pride restaurant. I can't say whether I liked it or not because I didn't eat anything. I've never done that before, go to a restaurant and not eat, but I really wasn't hungry. As far as the atmosphere goes, I hated it. I'm not a big fan of the western decor style. Everyone else seemed to like their food, so I'll just take their word for it.

I'm glad Josh is back. Vacation is in five days...yay! Josh is going back to Austin on the 14th to get in a forty hour week at work before school starts. Selfishly, I don't want him to go back so soon since it's been so long since I've seen him, but I understand why he wants to go back, and I'm not going to be a typical girl and whine and complain because he's doing something that I don't like. At least I'll be able to visit him and talk on the phone with him this time!

I went apartment shopping with my Mom this weekend. I found an apartment that both my Mom and I are happy with. She seems excited for me. I'm not sure if I'm going to commit to it or not. I haven't signed a lease for it yet and the floor plan that I want on the floor that I want (second) won't be available until sometime in September. I don't mind because I really don't know if I want to do it or not. The rent is $519 per month plus utilities (we found the cheapest apartment we could without it being crappy) which I can afford, but it is a lot of money every month. I'd live alone; it's a one bedroom apartment. I don't have a problem with living alone, I just don't know if I could handle finding an elecric company and things like that. I like the fact that I'd be living on my own, separate from my family but not so far that I can't visit, I can keep my area clean and it'll stay that way, I can have friends over at any hour for any length of time, but at the same time it's cheaper to live at home, my parents cook most of the time, I'd have my dogs with me (even though Sarah would be coming to the apartment with me), laundry is free, things of that nature. I'll just have to mull it over and pray about it. Maybe it's just cold feet. Maybe I should just wait until UTA to move out. I don't know. We'll see.

I have to go see about lunch plans...maybe pop in a movie. I'll talk to you guys later. Tschüss!

I Have Returned

Got back from Russia last night. It was great.

Not going to Germany at all. I hurt.

I don't feel good right now. Update later.

Tschüss.

Off I Go to the Motherland

Four days 'til Russia!!! I'm so excited! I'm all payed off, I have appropriate clothing, and although the shopping isn't done (I still have snacks and minor things to buy), I'm ready to go. I can't believe I'm going to Russia - this is so exciting!

I'm also going to Germany, just not when I was wanting. I'm going to go the last full week of July, Josh's last week there, then we can fly home together. I'm not sure how it'll work just yet, but I have an idea and hopefully it'll work out. The worst that could happen is we would be on the same carrier, but different planes and we'd only see each other at the layover times. That would suck, but at least we'd get home together. We'll see.

Russia and Germany are about the only things on my mind right now. And work. Until further notice, the entire Mezzanine staff at work is supposed to put in 10 hour workdays and working on Saturdays is a must. I don't mind working that much, I guess. It'll be hard, but the overtime will be killer! It's going to be great when it's over.

That was really all that was on my mind. The past few entries haven't been happy ones, so I figured I could post a happy one. I'll talk to you guys later. Pray for me while I'm in Russia!

Bis später!

Bittersweet News

Russia Trip plans are going well. I only have $365 left to raise, though I have to have it by Monday. I'm really excited about going. It'll be fun, I'll learn a lot, probably grow some, too. You know, usual missions stuff.

I had the opportunity to travel to Germany and visit Josh. I was going to go, I could afford it, my parents were ok with it, everything was great. On the Lufthansa website, the price for flying from Houston to Frankfurt was $526. That's by far the cheapest deal out there. I was all excited to go, plans for sleeping arrangements and everything were made. Then someone read the fine print. It turns out that the $526 was the one-way price based on a round trip ticket. In other words, 526*2+taxes+fees=$1,200-1,300. This was the straw that put Lufthansa on my bad list.

So my dreams of travelling to Germany, getting to visit Josh, all shot to hell because I can't afford a $1,085 ticket (the cheapest one out there) to Frankfurt. As it stands, if I save every penny I make, I can go, but that's waiting until the last minute to purchase the tickets. If there were a way that I could put a deposit on the ticket and then pay the rest later, that'd be nice. However, I doubt that's feasible.

I have to run to work. If any of you read this anymore and have any ideas, please call me and let me know.

Bis später.

What do you do when the one who holds you isn't there to hold you when you need them to?

I left Bible study. I searched for a cat that wasn't to be found. I sat outside, alone, which is what I wanted. I realized that I am helpless. I cannot those I want to help, even myself. The only question that comes to mind is, why? Why did I have to be born to the family that I'm in? Why did my parents have to be stupid with their money when I was a child? Why haven't they been able to get out of the rut that they put themselves in? Why do I have to suffer the consequences of their mistakes both financially and emotionally? Why is it that you can't call a foreign country without costing the one you're calling? Why is it that when you need someone the most, no one comes? Why is it that when you want to be alone everyone comes to check on you? Why do mission trips cost so much? Why can't I afford to be with him in Germany? Why can't I help him even though I try? Why does Germany have to be seven hours ahead? Why do I take everything so seriously like a stupid girl? The only question left is, why does life have to be so hard?, but I'm glad it's hard because if it wasn't, life wouldn't be fun. It would be meaningless. Meaningless. Lifeless. Dead.

What do you do when the one who holds you isn't there to hold you when you need them to?

Mmhmm

I found out two weeks ago that I am going to Tula, Russia with the church. I am so excited to go and learn a new culture, a new people, a new world; it will be unlike anything I've ever seen before. I'm so excited! I have the usual anxiety of a mission trip, raising support, the flights there and back, how well I'll do over there people-wise, things of that nature. I don't really mind being that far from home, that's not an issue for me. We leave June 22 and we'll return July 2. It'll be a great trip, I can feel it. I hope the jet lag doesn't do me too much harm. ;)

I've been talking with Josh on AIM almost everyday. I miss him, but being able to talk to him more often than every three days softens the blow. He's having a great time over there. He's in a dorm room by himself, which I'm sure he's enjoying. He can walk just about everywhere and if he has to go farther away, he can take a bus. That's something he said that he really likes about Germany. I can't wait to visit there whenever I can.

I spent the night at Kelley's house on Saturday night. We watched girly movies and we went to Christina's house and ate spaghetti and watched stupid flash videos and talked about boys and stuff like that. It was a great girl's night. I had so much fun.

Just got off the phone with Josh. He's in a rut. I tried to help. I don't think it worked. In fact, I think I made it worse. I wish I could just talk to him without worrying about how much the call will cost. I want to make him feel better. I won't go into detail, though I wish I could to ask for advice. I wish there were a way for me to take the cost away from his phone and put it on mine. I offered to help pay for the bill, but that's not enough.

Maybe there's some way that after the Russia trip, instead of flying back to the states I could travel to Wurzburg and stay there for a few days and fly home on my own. If only it were possible. Well, it is possible, but I don't think it would be allowed by certain people, namely my parents. I'll investigate and see what it would cost me.

I'd better head off to Bible study. I'm not really in the mood for people right now, but I make myself go anyway. Bis später, meine freunden. Tschüss.

Current Mood and Sidenote

Sidenote: I might go to Russia this summer. If I do, I need all the money before I go. Almost $3,000 before June 22. Pray for me whether or not to go and if I do go, that I can get the money before then.

Current mood:

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do..
I will be strong I will be faithful
'Cos I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.
Chorus

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...
Verse 2

And when the stars are shining brightly
In the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish
Send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry..
The tears of joy
For all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded
By the comfort and protection of..
The highest power.
In lonely hours.
The tears devour you..
I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me...
Bridge

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes
'Cos it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...

I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope
I'll be your love
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly madly deeply do...
Chorus

Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden

It's not been a week and I miss him already. What will I do with myself?

The Radio Knows

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you
However long I stay I will always love you
Whatever words I say I will always love you
I will always love you

Lovesong by the Cure

Happy Birthday

Today I turn 19 and a half. 19 1/2. Crazy. In six months I'll be 20. No longer a teenager. Scary.

Much Needed Update

Well, folks, he's gone. He's already made his change in Toronto from Canadian Air to Lufthansa. He's in the air right now and will land at 12:00 tonight our time, or 7:00 am there. I watched him walk through security at 11:30 this morning. Tears were welling up in my eyes, but I told myself not to cry until I got to the car, so he couldn't see me crying.

I can't wait to see the pictures he'll take and read his e-mails about all the stuff he's doing, all of his classes and trips and things of that nature. I can't wait to hear his voice again. I'd like to say that I already miss him, but I don't know how accurate that would be. I miss him not being twenty minutes from my house. I miss calling him. I miss being able to send him text messages for free.

I'm so unbelievably proud of him. I asked him if he was excited, of course he was. I asked him if he was scared, he was a little. I so badly wanted to go with him, to help him get there, to make sure he was safe. I can't imagine what his mother is going through. Sandy's busy, she's probably not thinking about it too much; I could be wrong.

You should have seen me at lunch today. I ate two chicken enchiladas, half of the rice that came with the dinner, two glasses of water, and scarfed the dessert of cinnamon sopapillas, all in about twenty minutes. It doesn't sound like much, but the dinner was pretty big, plus dessert on top of that; it was a lot of food and I ate it very fast (for me, anyway). Between seven and ten minutes of that time was spent waiting for the dessert to come. Now, when I should be hungry, the thought of food makes me nauseated. I bought a little danish thing from work before I left because I felt hungry. The instant I picked it up out of the vending machine, I knew I couldn't eat it. Usually I'll eat a snack like that on the way home from work. It's sitting on my bedside table, wrapper unopened.

Also I'll start crying randomly, sometimes it's in the split second of time that I thought about work and not Josh. I keep drinking more and more water, as if I'm dehydrated. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't. Classic signs of Julie in grieving. I'm the only one I know who can actually cry herself to dehydration. It's all been in little spurts throughout the day, but I still manage it somehow.

The past five days have been great though. Saturday I got to hang out with Josh afterall. His mom had been cooking for the past two days for the company that they had the following day. We had dinner at his house and were about to watch a movie, but we went to his friend from high school J.P.'s house and swam and watched family guy since J.P. invited us over.

Sunday Josh's aunt Kim, cousin Eric, Eric's wife Emily, Eric and Emily's baby Maddie, Josh's grandpa Paw, Josh's other grandpa Papaw and Papaw's wife Memaw all came over to celebrate Mother's Day and to have a late celebration for Josh's 19th birthday. My family took my mom out for lunch that day before Josh's family's party. She had a good time and she liked her present.

On Monday Josh's immediate family and I went to Six Flags for the afternoon. It was fun. We didn't ride too many big rides since Austin was recovering from strep and Lindsey doesn't like roller coasters. We still had a good time and got worn out, too. Josh and I watched a movie after we got home.

Tuesday was Josh's and my two year anniversary. Two years. Can you believe it? Josh took me to Stonebriar mall in Frisco where we ate lunch at Chili's, followed by a movie, RV. It was a funny movie, not Robin Williams' best, but it was pretty good. After the movie, Josh took me to the place we were there for in the first place, The Cheesecake Factory. For those of you who don't know, the only reason I turn down cheesecake is if I physically cannot eat it, or if I'll throw up by doing so. In other words, cheesecake is my favorite dessert and Josh taking me there was like heaven. I got the Chocolate Truffle Raspberry Cheesecake. It was rich and to die for. Then he told me that we were going to find me something cute, so we went shopping. We found nothing after searching half of the mall, so he took me to Kohl's. He bought me three shirts, two of which he found for me. Then we went home, ate dinner, and watched a movie.

Yesterday I went shopping with Josh and Sandy (his mom) to get him clothes for Germany and for school in fall. I got my feathers ruffled a little bit by the shopping experience, but overall it was good. We found I think seven pairs of khakis and two shirts that he can layer with each other. Then we went home and unpacked from Austin and packed for Germany. I got Josh's clothes rolled and folded as needed and set everything aside for him to put in his bag while he got his backpack unpacked and packed again. We got him all set and ready to go. He seemed to like the "care package" I made for him. It's a messenger bag with his favorite snack foods, envelopes, pens, paper, a letter from me, money for calling cards, and a couple of pictures of me that he hasn't seen before. He saw that there were not only Reese's Pieces but Sour Skittles as well and he had to kiss me for it. We went to the bookstore and he bought sequels to Ender's Game, his mom bought a cookbook and I bought Memoirs of A Geisha. I'm borrowing Ender's Game from him, so I'll read that first.

You already heard about today, in too much detail, most likely. I hope this grieving thing doesn't last too long. I usually get sick because of it and my boss (the one above my Mom) is already asking me when I can put in forty hour weeks (even though I started that last Wednesday).

I suppose I'll stop talking and let you people get on with your lives. I read something today, it was about finances, but it applies to anything, really. "Don't take the easy road to anything, because everything worth having in life takes a long, hard time to get..." Adreka Majors said that and she's right. I'm finding this to be true. Have fun, kids.

Tschüss.

Current Mood : Hopeless Acceptance

Have you ever known that something was going to happen and you're both happy and sad about it but whenever you think about it all you do is hurt and cry; it's almost a depression of sorts. I'm so happy and so very excited for him. I love him dearly...I guess that's why it hurts so badly. Nine days and counting.

Don't Know What To Think

I just had a spat with Josh over classical music. He says that it cannot convey a message in such a way that every person knows exactly what the composer is talking about, like lyrical music does. I say that the composer has the capability of conveying as much specificity as he likes, such as watching a leaf fall from a tree or a snowflake falling from a window. Josh says that is my interpretation of it and that all the composer can do is convey a general, vague image that some people get and some don't. We had this discussion for over 20 minutes. I got tired of arguing and said to stop talking about it. He kept going. I told him I'd hang up if he didn't stop talking about it. He told me I wouldn't hang up. He kept going. So I hung up. Now I feel horrible. I don't hang up on people for any little thing. But when I say what I did in my head, "You hung up with him over a disagreement in music," all I can do is cry. I know I'm passionate about music and I can't stand people ragging on things that I love and that I'm passionate about, but following through on my threat now seems regrettable.

I know that he and I both take hang-ups seriously, which is why I followed through on it. He was downing on something that I love, he wasn't listening to me, I figured that if I followed through with my threat that he would know I was serious about what I was saying to him. But now I feel awful. I cried before because he hurt me. Now I'm crying because I hurt him. If tough love is what I was going for, I can't do it anymore. It doesn't just hurt the one you're being tough to.

It seems small now, in the wave of sorrow that has flooded me, but this morning I found out that I won't see my math teacher again this semester. She gave us our test grades back and on them she wrote our average from the semester and our letter grade. She told us that if there was an A on there, then she didn't want to see us again. My test grade: 103. My average for the semester: 102.25. I don't have to be in class on Friday - I placed out of the final.

If I recieve an e-mail from my Music Appreciation teacher by Friday morning, I don't have to be in class on Friday - I've placed out of the final. With Mrs. Walter, to place out of the final we have to have a B or better and not missed more than three classes. I'm pretty sure I'll get the e-mail. Even if I don't that's only two finals to study for and they're both on Monday.

Mrs. Souder doesn't give a final. She spends class time, she takes roll, the school's happy. Last semester we just had a party. This semester, my group and the one we combined with (we call ourselves the Soopa Group) are making our presentation on final day.

I have a lot of homework to do. I'm going to try and get some of it done, at least the stuff that's due tomorrow. Tschüss.

Invisible?

Do you ever have those days where you feel as if you're invisible and although you're in a crowd you're alone?

Happy Birthday!

Today is Josh's 19th birthday. Everyone, on three. One... two... three... Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Josh. Happy birthday to you! *applause* Congratulations Josh for making it to your last teenage year. I'm so proud of you for all of your many accomplishments.

Also, congratulations to Josh Crowder for snagging a fiance! My older brother is getting married. It's scary in a way, but so much more joyous than scary. I'm so glad you found someone who you can share the rest of your life with. Congratulations to you and Kacie and may you have a long life together.

I'm in a good mood today. I like good moods. They're fun.

I can't wait until Lara gets home. She's coming home this weekend and I am so excited to have her back! Finally my friend is coming home. I miss her in ways that I cannot describe.

I don't really have anything else to say, so I'll end with this quote from Chase.

"Believing in decaf coffee is like believing in solar powered flashlights."

The World Is Spinning

Wow. It's been a while since I posted last...sorry about that. I know there are only two people who read this, so I'm not sure why I'm apologizing, but I feel the need to do so, though I don't see a reason to.

Anyhoo, tomorrow marks the last week of school of my first year in college! Finals are next week, one on Monday (Human Sexuality) and one on Wednesday (Math). I have to show up for one on Tuesday, although the teacher isn't giving us a test; she's making it party time! I'm 90% sure I placed out of my Music Appreciation final because we have to have a B or better and have not missed more than three times. I've only missed twice (maybe only once from what she told me) and I'm pretty sure I have at least a B in that class. I'll have to ask her about it tomorrow.

Oh gosh! I have to get to work. Talk to you later!

Tschüss!

The Songs of Spring

This is the winning essay, for your reading enjoyment.

The Songs of Spring

Julie Hawkins

The first day of spring brings with it the sweetness of the tree’s blossom, the angelic song of the sparrow and the freshness of a newly melted winter. This day also brings with it the excitement of a Christian music workshop. The workshop is located in a large park, with tall, plastic tents that rise unnaturally from the ground and crackle loudly when the wind blows across their surfaces. The weather was mild and the grass turned green early this year and gives the park a warm, luminous glow as the sun shines down upon it. The amphitheater stands like a giant white stone, taller than any tree in the park. The air carries with it the freshness of spring as it weaves its way around the bright green leaves of the trees, underneath the wings of the small sparrows, whistling through the semi-circle shaped amphitheater to the ears of the girl standing backstage.

A bead of sweat trickles down her face as she nervously awaits and she watches for her cue to walk out and stand true. She reminds herself of why she is there; not just to sing, but to serve the people and to be a beacon of light to the lost. She wrings her hands around the microphone, which feels like a wet bar of soap in her sweaty palms. Her eyes are on the stage manager who stands a few yards away on the other side of the stage, waiting for everyone to finish their preparations for the next act. She whispers to herself and desperately tries to calm herself down. As the stage manager points to her and all her breath escapes her, a sense of panic floods through her body. She nods to him and the music begins as she slowly walks out to the middle of the stage and tries not to let the crowd see her knees wobble. Although her nerves scream to turn back, a voice inside her head reminds her that she will be alright, so she continues to her planned spot on stage and faces the crowd.

The sweet music flows softly, measure by measure; the crowd awaits her song. Her voice, as smooth as silk, flawlessly delivers the notes as she sings the sweet melody, and she tries hard to control the nervousness in her voice. Her voice carried with it emotions like a waterfall; they washed over the crowd and swept them away. The emotions were so moving and so powerful that they were overwhelmed with awe at the beauty in her voice.

As she sings she looks out and over the crowd to the outdoors around her. She watches the puffy white clouds slowly float by, being lazily pushed by the wind. She thinks of God’s creation; the fragrance of the trees, the sight of the birds play and the sound of their joyful conversation and just knowing that the God she is singing to made them the same way He made her - by hand, and that gives her strength and confidence. The light breeze plays with her hair as she looks at each of the beautiful faces in the small ocean in front of her and she is filled with wonder at the creativity and diversity of each individual. The already slow paced music slows down to a stop as her voice fades to nothing and, knowing what is about to be played next, she raises one eyebrow with a clever smirk on her face and turns to look at the guitarist standing to her right.

BRANG! The electric guitar rings out through the amphitheatre then the drums take a beating as the drummer changes the pace. The hard-rock music reaches the ears of the crowds and they roar with excitement and begin to make even more noise as the singer’s voice soars out above the music, carrying with it edifying words of glorification to the Almighty. Energy now surges through the crowd and her nerves are annihilated as she sings and begins to dance to the music. Comfort floods her body as the crowd dances with her and together they make a truly joyful noise. The last strum of the guitar leaves with a bang and the crowd cheers.

She waits for the crowd’s uproarious applause to simmer down to a dull roar before repeating “thank you” over and over and grinning from ear to ear. She knows that it is all over, and recalls how only a short eleven minutes before she wrung her hands and clutched tightly to the microphone and tried with all her might not to shake and look like a novice on stage. She did not understand now how fear had gripped her so, she was almost completely comfortable up there now; she ran her hands across the outstretched hands and fingers of the very front row. “Encore! Encore!” the crowd wildly cheered. She looked at the stage manager and received nothing but an ear-to-ear grin. She quickly turned to the band members behind her and told them which song to play next.

After her final song, she walked with confidence off of the stage, and she beamed with joy. As the workshop wound down to a close, a young girl shyly approached her and gently tapped on her shoulder. She turned around to greet the girl. The girl spoke with the voice of a mouse, quiet and timid. The girl thanked her for all she had sang and told her how she was in a life-threatening state of mind when she came to the workshop. She came for the music alone and hoped that there would be some detail that could turn her life around. The girl finished her story with tears in her eyes and thanked her profusely for providing the light she needed and told her that she was now a child of God. She could not help but let the salty tears slide down her cheeks as she hugged the shy, young girl.

She no longer cared what the rest of the crowd had thought of her; she did not care how well she performed in front of them. She knew she had been the tool to touch the life of a young child of God and she knew that her mission was complete. It was dusk and as she listened to the crickets sing their songs she knew that they were singing praises.

Woohoo!

I GOT 4th PLACE IN THE WRITING CONTEST!!! There were over 300 people in the contest total. About half of the people who earned awards, including many first and second prize winners were absent from the ceremony, which was shocking to me. Anyway, I looked cute and was turning heads at the restaraunt after the ceremony. AND I GOT FOURTH PLACE!!! WOOT!!! Tschüss!

Yuck!

I'm down today. Something grabbed a hold of my stomach and it's making my stomach very upset. I've managed to keep my cookies, but I'm having a hard time eating without feeling otherwise. I've been able to keep this at bay for months now - I'm proud of myself. Mom thinks the nausea is due to my headaches. I think it's the leftover sub I ate yesterday, possibly in conjunction with a serious lack of sleeping well. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm feeling a little better this morning. Had a nice long talk with Josh - that helped me feel better.

My abstract for my research paper and 20 source annotated bibliography are due at midnight. My goal is to have the bibliography to my teacher by class on Thursday morning. This is why: I'm having to discard my old abstract completely and go with a new idea, which I'm fine with. What I'm not fine with is the incredible amount of work that has to go into this new topic. I've been working for the past four days trying to gather information so that I can write my abstract.

My research paper is a rhetorical analysis of the significance of the word beat in David Auburn's Proof. I've read through the play three times now and watched the movie and I still have no clue as to the meaning. My biggest lead is that it is some sort of pause, but having a beat in the middle of dialogue doesn't always match with that idea. Whenever a beat is in the middle of Claire's speaking, she always changes the subject afterwards. Whenever a beat in in the middle of Robert's speaking, more often than not he changes who he's speaking to, but theory doesn't hold when he's only talking to Catherine. Hal doesn't always change his tone or what he's speaking about when it occurs within his line. It only appears mid-sentence in Catherine's speech twice out of the 32 times it's in mid-sentence. The word beat is mentioned 111 times in the entire play, and I have each instance of which written down, which line it occurs in, what's in the paragraph before it, and what's in the paragraph after it. AND I STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT MEANS!!!!

I looked up the stage meaning of beat, and found that it is the smallest division of action in a play, the length of time necessary for a character to play an "objective" (also called intention) from beginning to end, a very short pause, a deliberate pause for effect or measure of time when cueing, or a unit of action in a scene, which is made up of a series of beats. I found the definitions from various websites from a Google Search. I suppose my pause theory could be true, but now I have to come up with an abstract saying that that's what my paper is about. I have to come up with an 8-10 page research paper about nothing but that, and I have to come up with an annotated bibliography containing 20 sources which support my theory in ways other than the word beat in Proof because this idea is completely original; all before MIDNIGHT TONIGHT!!!!!! Minus the paper. That's not due 'til sometime in May. But still, the idea has to be there.

So that's been on my mind recently. My headaches haven't gotten any better, but not any worse, thank God. Thank you to kind Ian for helping me figure out the source of my headaches. Finances are slowly but surely getting better. Having a job that pays you what your work is worth is nice.

Ok. Now that I've ranted and gotten my thoughts all out "on paper" I should go try and finish at least my abstract. And try and see if I can eat this toast that my wonderful little brother William has made for me. Hats off to toast when you're queasy! Bis später!

Poetry Blog

Just so y'all know, if you care, all of the poetry I have written is now on a blog of it's own. The link is on the sidebar just under my profile stuff. It's there for me, but I'm giving you the option of reading it. Some of it's good, some of it's not, but it's mine. Enjoy if you dare.

Tschüss!

Humerous Quotes - They're Funny To the Bone!

Is a mime someone who can think inside the box?

When thespians go public, do they come out of the wardrobe?

Lexus spelled backwards is suxel.

Instant human - just add coffee!

How many times does the average person masticate every day?

Have you ever watched how people ambulate? No two people have the same pattern!

"Look, Mom! Chuckie Cheeses! I know that place by the back of my head!"

"William, there's more than one way to skin a cat." "I'm not a skinny cat!"

"Mom, can I use your bathroom? Julie's in ours plundering the toilet!"



Special thanks to Carol, Julie, William and Chase for their humorous contributions.

Beware...the Penguins...

Sometimes you have to watch out for those penguins:



I may have chronic migranes. I've been having at least two horrible headaches per week since the beginning of February. Two of them have made me black out for a few seconds, at least 10 of them have made me so dizzy that I had to sit down. Medicine usually doesn't affect the headache, so that makes them more difficult to deal with. We can't afford to go to our regular doctor, much less a neurologist, so there's nothing I can do about it for now except to take a neurologist's "Migrane Concoction" which is two Excedrin and one Advil as needed. Maybe we'll get some extra money from something and I can go to the doctor.

I just found out that I placed in the top five of the writing contest that I entered a month ago! They didn't tell me what place I got; all they said was that the ceremony and photos are at the Gainsville campus of NCTC on April 14. I can't wait. It's going to be so great! Even if I placed fifth, that's still an accomplishment since there are at least 200 entries in the contest. That would be so cool!

Papaw's birthday was awesome. I had a blast with the family. We played mexican train for hours and I won! That seldom happens! I wonder what I'll be like on my 70th birthday...

By the way, I'm in the process of creating a poetry page to put all of my poetry on. I just finished a new poem tonight, so I'll post it on the other site as soon as I get it finished. Just thought I'd let y'all know that. I'll tell you when you can access the site.

Well, I'm off to bed. I'm up too late as it is. Talk to you all later. Wish me luck!

Too Long

It has been too long since I posted here. I've been awful busy lately and haven't had the time to post - sorry!

I have been invited to go to Papaw's birthday party this weekend with Josh's family. I have accepted and will be going with them probably Saturday morning and returning on Sunday night so that we can make the 6:30 service. Apparently I'll like it out there, at least that's what Josh keeps telling me. He said that he didn't know how to describe where they live, he said it was a neighborhood, but you didn't feel like you were in one because there were so many trees you couldn't see the other houses. They live on the lake and have a paddle-boat, which we probably won't get to use until it's warm enough...we'll see. It'll be a blast! I always have a great time with Josh's family. His extended family, as well as his immediate, is so nice and very welcoming. The first time I saw them, they were hugging me like I was family. It was an odd feeling, but a very good one. They love me like I'm a granddaughter or niece - they even gave me presents at Christmas (I didn't expect them to)! Anyway, I'm thrilled to death and can't wait to see them all!

I'm also happy because I finally exchanged the duplicate CD that I got from my parents at Christmas. They had given me Thousand Foot Krutch's The Art of Breaking, which I already had. I exchanged that for the soundtrack to the movie The Phantom of the Opera. I own the movie and have watched it umpteen times. I've wanted the soundtrack for a while and I'm glad that I finally own it as well.

While in the store today I saw that King Kong and Memoirs of A Geisha are out on DVD for $17. I enjoyed both of those movies so much it's not even funny. I saw King Kong twice and had to keep myself from making an impulse purchase of Memoirs of A Geisha.

I won't rant about all of the bad things that have been happening. I'm in a good mood at the moment, which has been rare, especially today, and I want to keep it. I'll talk to you all later, I suppose. Tschüss!

Quick Question...

How bad is it when you no longer enjoy the company of your family?