How Was The Trip?

It was amazing. The ski trip this year was so much fun. I pushed myself on the slopes, I conquered personal challenges for me and with others around me, I learned a lot and did a lot. Here's a link to the trail map in case you'd like to see the runs I name: http://ww2.skiwinterpark.com/downloads/WP-TrailMap-0506.pdf

The first day of skiing I went all the way up to Mary Jane (I had never been that high on the mountain before) and I rode the Zephyr lift (an accomplishment for me because it is very high off the ground and I am terrified of heights). It snowed all night the previous night, so the powder was really nice and while the morning was clear, it snowed during the afternoon and all that night as well.

The second day of skiing the weather was perfect! It was warm (low 30's) and the sun was shining all day long. I skied my first blue that day, the blue end of March Hare. We also took the first half of Jabberwocky which is a blue, later that afternoon. I chickened out on going up to Parsenn Bowl after lunch; I felt tired and wasn't sure I could handle it since I'd only skied two blues, both of which were short. I later regretted that decision.

The third day of skiing was alright. The sun was out in the morning, but soon a small blizzard came in. Kelley and I waited for Josh, John, and Taylor in the warming hut on Mary Jane while they went up to the bowl again. I had chickened out again, but this time for at least a semi-legitimate reason; I was feeling nauseous even though I had been drinking water and I was developing a headache. Plus it was windy up on Mary Jane and I was scared to go above the treeline on a two-person lift when it was that windy amidst the trees. After the boys returned, we all skied down the mountain, to the base, through the blizzard.

The run we came down last was Parkway, a green run that ended in a blue-equivalent slope, one that I had done several times but had always fallen on. This time was different though and I managed not to fall. I came down happy as could be because I didn't fall on Parkway. I came to the four who were waiting at the bottom. I pulled up next to Kelley and started doing a little dance because I didn't fall. As soon as I stopped dancing, I fell over. It was the funniest thing I could have done! I was laughing harder than everyone else, I think.

By the time we got down, the snow had virtually stopped. Josh wanted to do one more run before lunch and suggested doing Lower Hughes, a blue black. Kelley had mentioned doing that run simply because she wanted to "ride herself." I had taken off my skis already since I thought we were going to lunch as planned, but the boys and Kelley wanted to do Lower Hughes. I was feeling great after not having fallen on Parkway, so I let Josh and Kelley talk me into going. I told Josh that he was going to pay for my medical bills when I hurt myself if I did go. He agreed, so I went. John and Taylor plowed down the run while Kelley, Josh and I took it slow. I went down the run fairly easily, concentrating on "the trees rather than the forest" as Josh had advised. I focused on each turn, slowly parallelling down the mountain. I only fell once, which I was amazed at, and was crying for joy when I got down the mountain, in complete shock that I had successfully skied a blue black. Kelley and I told everyone about our accomplishment and with that, ended our skiing for this trip. We both wanted to end on a good note, so neither of us went with the boys after lunch.

That afternoon, after shopping, and watching the snow get heavier outside, Kelley and I were sitting at a table with some other crossroads people when groups of people came in saying that there was a white-out on the mountain and that they were closing lifts. The final report came that they were evacuating the mountain due to a blizzard. Most of the group was there at the tables anyway, so the leaders decided that if all the rooms were there, then we could leave early. It was only an hour early, so it wasn't too early, but still. All of the groups were there except Josh's, so I got permission to let my girls go back to the lodge with everyone else while I waited for Josh, John, and Taylor to get back. Trevor had to wait too, because the other three boys were the ones in his room. Trevor and I waited with Debbie for the boys to get back. About 10 minutes later, Josh came up the stairs to the lunch area, covered in snow and out of breath. He said they were closing the lifts due to lightning, which is odd for a blizzard. The three of them made it back safely and we ended up being on the same bus as my girls, so everything worked out in the end.

The bus rides were long and almost torturous (I think I just made that word up) making flying seem so much more worth the extra $150, but we had fun and bonded, so that is a plus. The bus ride home seemed shorter than the ride there, but I think the time of day had something to do with that. Overall, it was a great experience. I think skiing in the Alps would be freaking awesome - maybe I can do that when I go to Germany. ;)

Josh leaves to go back to college today. It'll be sad to see him go as usual, but moreso this time because I've spent an entire week with him. I almost can't wait for the regular routine to begin again, but at the same time, I love not having to worry about school or waking up at a certain time and I most definitely enjoy having Josh only 20 minutes away again. Hope your spring break was great. Tschüss!

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How Do I Do It?

My English class. There is none other like it. I have to read so much freaking stuff, most of which I don't like. I don't mind reading it at all, it's writing about it that I mind. Every single time we read something, we have to write about it in our stupid writing journals. Not only that, but each entry has to be at least one page long. Most of what we have to read is poetry and if you have, say, a four line poem about fish hooks and eyes, how on earth are you supposed to write about it for a freaking page???

We're keeping these stupid books as helpful insight into our topics for our research papers. We are to take a single work that we have read so far from our assigned books and we are supposed to create a ten page literary criticism of that work. I do not want to criticize anything, I do not want to have to fill nine pages with utter crap that I made up because I can not think "critically" like the teacher is instructing us to do. We are supposed to have a poem written by Thursday, "inspired" by another work that we have read (which means we have to write in their style and copy some of their words or phrases." We did a photograph poem in the same manner, inspired by one of two works. We were allowed to choose which one to mimick, which was nice, but my poem still sucked because I was not only forced to write a poem, but also do it using another person's style! How incredibly frustrating!!! If I didn't need 12 hours to stay on my parent's insurance, I would drop this class.

We're having our mid-term on Thursday. I'm supposed to be able to remember sections of things I read from the book (over 25 of them) and be able to tell which work it came from and how to analyze it from a Marxist or feminist or structuralist point-of-view. I can't do that. We're also supposed to have all these literary terms known by now, a lot of which are from basic English class in second grade. I never learned them. I tried. I still don't know them and we even went over them in class. I can not retain information whatsoever. She claims that this is a test that no one can fail. I get the feeling that I'm going to prove her wrong.

I CANNOT BE FORCED TO WRITE POETRY!!!

I am so angry and frustrated that I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

I thought writing this would make me feel better. I think it has only fueled the fire. I'm going to go play Red Alert and kill things.

Tenjewberrymuds

This is something I got from my Dad - where he got it, I don't know, but it's hilarious. I couldn't read the entire thing without stopping to laugh everytime the Room Service person spoke. One thing - you have to say it out loud when you read it to get the full effect.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye...Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor Sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan Sahn toes?"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Jew don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish Moppin we bodder on sigh and copy...rye?"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G: "You're very welcome."

Update

Sorry it took me so long to post on here - I've been busy lately.

The Mozart concert was incredible! I want to start going to DSO (Dallas Symphony Orchestra) concerts more often. The seats were only $28 and we sat up in the highest tier, the Grand Tier, almost in the exact middle of the row; the view was awesome!

The violin soloist (other than the conductor) was a beautiful young woman named Viviane Hagner. She was born in Munich (I have yet to find out how old she is, as it didn't say her birthday in the program or on her site) and she has played with many different famous philharmonic orchestras. She was absolutely stunning when we saw her - she can make that violin sing, laugh or cry - whatever fits the music that she's playing. She's an excellent violinist, perhaps even a virtuoso violinist. I've added her page to my links if you want to read more about her many accomplishments.

The concert was an overall great experience, though it was hard to concentrate at times. One person opened a plastic wrapper of some sort and it was so loud and lasted for what seemed like minutes but was only about 30 seconds. They were only two rows behind Josh and I. The lady to my left kept text messaging on her phone throughout the concert and although she tried to hide the light with her hand, the light was still distracting and the vibrating seemed so lound in the room that was made to carry sound. She even answered her phone in the middle of the movement! Granted, she whispered and she was speaking Japanese or Chinese so her words were short, but still. I tried not to let it distract me, but some things are unavoidable. If you've ever been to a classical concert (and if you haven't, you should), you'd know what I'm talking about. I was surprised how often concert etiquette was broken, truthfully.

Yesterday I had a sore throat all day long. It's the kind that throat lozenges don't help, it just keeps hurting and hurting. I had a headache so bad that my cheeks hurt and tylenol didn't help. Dustin's mom scared me half to death when she said that strep is going around right now - I don't want to have strep.

I'm going skiing with the youth group in a week and a half. Josh and I are going to be chaparons for the high school group. I'm so excited about it! Josh wants to take me up all the way to Parsenn Bowl by the time we're done skiing. If you want to see a map of the trails, click here: http://ww2.skiwinterpark.com/downloads/WP-TrailMap-0506.pdf. Anyway, this trip should prove to be interesting. I'm excited and can't wait to get up there!

I start work at M&A again tomorrow after school. I'll be working from 7 to at least 8 with an hour lunch break, which will make for a very long day.

I'm going to a TFK (Thousand Foot Krutch) concert tonight with Tracy and I can't wait!!! TFK is one of my favorite bands. They're playing in Old Town Lewisville tonight - it's going to be a blast! Literally!

Bis später, tschüss!

I Lied

The poem isn't finished. I still can't come up with an ending that suits it. I think the first one I posted is the one I'm going to stick with, the one with "I didn't know it would end so soon." at the end. Sorry guys. I guess my teacher was right, poets obsess over every little detail.

I don't think I'm going to go to the Gateway church's Bible study anymore - they're too charasmatic for me and there are enough false things being taught there that it outweighs the good.

Good night, everyone. Bis später.

Johari Window

Chris had an interesting link on her page - I made one for me too. I'd like to see what people really think of me.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=the+Guin

Finished Work

Here is the finished poem (in case you all care); yes, I dare call it complete.

Friends ‘Til the End

I didn’t know it would end so soon.

Forever is not reality

She will go her way

And I will go mine

Friends like we used to be

Is what we dream of

Each of us dreamed

While we were in grade school

That when each of us took our turn

Wearing the white dress

The other would be there

To share our happiness

In the color of our choice

After the ceremony

In the years to come

We would have coffee and lunch

To reminisce about the past

From childhood to present

And the childhood that is to be

In about 9 months and after

We promised to be friends forever

Sitting on the porch drinking lemonade

Sharing pictures and stories

Of our children and theirs

Laughing at how similar our children are

To us when we were that age

Looking back on all we'd been through together

Standing on the grave of my beloved

Tears falling to the ground

She held me as I cried

She comforted me

As only a lifelong friend could

Standing at the gates of the cemetery

Only a few yards away

Is where she lay

We always wondered who would last

I lay beside the tombstone

As if she were there beside me

Just like when we were kids

And the room was dark

When we giggled until sunrise

About the boy that gave us a valentine

We promised to be friends forever

Forever is not reality

I showed this to Donna this morning after class. She said that I should enter it in the Creative Writing Contest that NCTC is holding. She also suggested that I submit one of my essays that I wrote last semester for her class. The Creative Writing Contest has different contests for different age groups and such, each with a section for poetry, short stories, and essays. Technically anyone who submitted could have a chance to win three times, once in each catagory. There is, of course, a cash prize to those who win first, second, or third place. I'm going to submit the above poem and one of my essays, The Songs of Spring. I don't expect to win anything, but I think it'd be fun to compete.

I have a lot of homework to do so I'll let you go here. There is one thing: Isn't it amazing how moods can be affected by writing? I was in a horrid mood last night (no matter how hard I tried to fight it, and I did) so I sat down to write on my blog and "vent" but this formed in my head, so I wrote it down. You have no idea how much better I felt after writing it. A weight had been lifted, I'll tell you that much. *shrug* God works in mysterious ways.

Tschüss!

A New Poem

I have just finished a new composition. I can't decide on the ending, though. I'll take it to my English teacher in the morning and see what she thinks. I'll put the alternate ending at the end of the poem (only the last paragraph/stanza is changed) so you can see what's on my mind, but the ending I have is the one I'm leaning towards. It's not like it's going to be published or anything, but still.

Friends ‘Til the End

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality
She will go her way
And I will go mine
Friends like we used to be
Is what we dream of

Each of us dreamed
While we were in grade school
That when each of us took our turn
Wearing the white dress
The other would be there
To share our happiness
In the color of our choice

After the ceremony
In the years to come
We would have coffee and lunch
To reminisce about the past
From childhood to present
And the childhood that is to be
In about 9 months and after

Sitting on the porch drinking lemonade
Sharing pictures and stories
Of our children and theirs
Laughing at how similar our children are
To us when we were that age
Looking back on all we'd been through together

Standing on the grave of my beloved
Tears falling to the ground
She held me as I cried
She comforted me
As only a lifelong friend could

Standing at the gates of the cemetery
Only a few yards away
Is where she lay
We always wondered who would last
I lay beside the tombstone
As if she were there beside me
Just like when we were kids
And the room was dark
When we giggled until sunrise
About the boy that gave us a valentine

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality
I didn’t know it would end so soon.

Alternate ending:

We promised to be friends forever
Forever is not reality

Surprise!

The women's retreat was great fun. I was dissappointed that I didn't get to talk to Lori like I wanted, but we can always go to coffee sometime. I had a great time with Kelley, getting to know more about her and so on. I made a new friend at the retreat, too. Her name is Kathy and she has a son that's about my age. She and her family just got back from England; they had to move for her husband's job. Apparently her son and I share some views and we were talking about them over lunch on Saturday. She's a great, godly woman and I can't wait to get to know more about her.

Saturday afternoon we had freetime from 1:30 - 4:30 and during the second half of freetime, Kelley and I went to a "spa" thing. The sign-up sheet said something about hand and foot treatment and Kelley and I thought that sounded fun, so we signed up for it and went at the specified time. The first thing we did when we got there was we washed our faces as we were instructed. We looked at the sun damage on our faces under a black light, then we put this slightly-heavier-than-water substance on our faces. As the woman handed out the "glue," she told us that we were recieving a chemical peel. I started worrying, afraid that the horror story that I saw on tv would become my reality. The character had a bright red, blistered face after recieving a chemical peel. I had already put it on my face and I didn't want to offend all the other ladies by not doing it, so I went through with it, assuring myself that I would be ok. After getting my lips and hands exfoliated, we were allowed to peel off the mask. Kelley's face turned bright red immediately and stayed that way for about an hour. My face felt fine at first, but a few minutes after peeling all the gunk off, I felt something painful. Each of the pores on my face felt like they had a flame burning inside of them. I had never felt anything like it before. About an hour after the intense burning sensation had first begun, I started getting this massive headache which made me dizzy at times. I took some Excedrin and it never kicked in. It lightened up a little bit before I went to bed and in the morning it was gone, and my face was no longer burning. My face is all soft now, so I guess that's good.

Between a lack of sleep and having had so much pain for so long the day before, I was exhausted. Mom and I went to lunch on the way home and had a great conversation about Germany. Kelley and I were wanting to make valentines that night after church and I had to get the supplies from the store because Kelley had to work. Mom went with me to the store, then we went home. As soon as we pulled up, John burst out the door to help us carry in our luggage, almost as if he were watching for us to come home. I shrugged it off, I was tired and had a bunch of stuff that I had to carry in, so I didn't mind the help. I took my armload of stuff to my room and just as I was reaching for the knob to open the door, it opens for me and Josh is standing there, welcoming me home. Josh said that I looked scared, but I think that was due to the fact that I was so tired I couldn't get surprised on my face quick enough.

He had come in town because he needed pictures for his study abroad application and he went with his mom to get them done. He came in town Friday night and because he knew I was away, he didn't tell me that he was home because he knew I'd be miserable at the retreat if I knew (he knows me well), so he figured he'd just surprise me on Sunday. He brought me the most beautiful valentine's present (besides himself): a pair of earrings, 10 karat created heart-shaped rubies surrounded by a gold heart and a small diamond just above the heart. I'd put a picture on here, but my camera sucks and has no focus. Anyways, they are beautiful. He gave them to me in such a romantic way, too. He's a heart-melter, that's for sure. I gave him his giant squish-pillow kiss (it's a replica of a Hershey's kiss) and told him that his real valentine's present is waiting, that I still have to finish making it, so he can't have it until he comes in town for the concert where the Dallas Symphony Orchestra is playing pieces which were composed by Mozart. I can't wait to show him what I've got planned!

Ok, I think that's all. I'm going to have a nap now and I will talk to you all later. Bis später.

Valentine's Celebration

Josh is coming in town the 24-26 to go to a Mozart concert with me. I'm planning on this being part of his V-day present. I got him two other small gifts, but I want to do something a little bigger for him. I think JPatch and Lori are right - food is the way to go. I have a fantastic idea, but I can't tell - just in case he reads this. Oh my gosh! This is a GREAT idea! Oh, I'm so excited now! Thanks, guys!

My mom talked to Ed (her boss at work) and asked him if there were any job openings. Starting next month, I'm going to be working with my mom, Seanathan, Pat, and Evan up on the mezanine doing the same thing I did before I started working at the clinic. I'll do that on Tuesdays and Thursdays and work with my dad and the rest of the crew on Wednesday and Friday nights doing the "Plano Project." About a two years ago M&A recieved an order from Plano ISD to upgrade all of the computer systems in the district. The entire project took a year and a half to complete, so I'll be helping them for a while. I'll still be working for the clinic on Saturdays and Sundays, so basically I'll be working every day of the week except Monday. It'll be busy, but I don't mind. I get paid more by the hour at M&A and my car will be paid off in June, so I can save $100 more per month after that. I'll save everything that I don't need for bills, which means that I'll be going to Germany next summer! WOOT!!! *does a little dance* Just the thought of it makes me giddy. Of course only time will tell the truth, but it's not a bad goal to have set, right?

I've got laundry to do and an assignment to turn in so I'll talk to you all later. You probably won't hear from me for a few days because I'm going on the Women's Retreat this weekend. Talk to you all later! Bis später. Tschüss.

Minor Update

In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to blog more. I really started slacking in that area. I don't feel that it's important enough to wake up just so I can blog everyday, but I do want to post at least every other day. Weekends may be an exception, what with work and any homework and such.

Speaking of weekends, I went shopping with Chris on Saturday. We had a blast - at least I did - and it was almost like we never left off, with the exception that I knew virtually nothing of Daniel. I learned about him and their plans for dating and whatnot all while we were shopping for his Valentine's Day present. I won't spoil what his present is, but a lot of forethought and planning has gone into this gift, and I know he'll love it.

-beginning of rabbit trail- Chris and I, and probably most of the female population, have notice that Valentine's Day is geared towards females. There's chocolate and roses and chocolate and candy and chocolate and stuffed animals as far as the eye can see and chocolate and even more chocolate clothed in red, white, and pink. So, women around the world are asking themselves, "What on earth do I get my boyfriend/husband/significant other?" I have found, from asking several different people, including men, that there are four answers to this question: 1) A watch, 2) A necklace, 3) Nothing, or 4) Something creative. What happens when he already has a nice watch, he already wears a necklace constantly, and you are short on the creativity pole and won't accept giving him nothing? Thank you, Hallmark, for creating yet another holiday that brings you profit and manages to leave someone feeling hurt and unloved. -end of rabbit trail-

I aced my math test. I've never aced anything before. It's a great feeling.

My English teacher is, so far, the best teacher I have ever had. She is giving only 5 people in our class the change to judge a UIL competition. I'm not sure if each of us is going to judge one catagory (I think that's what you'd call it) or if all 5 of us will judge everything, but I do know that two of the catagories we'll be able to judge are speech and writing. I'm not sure about the details, but she said that she wasn't inviting the entire class, only 5 specific people. And, we're getting paid to do it! Heh heh heh. The competition is March 24. These are all the details I know right now. I'm sure she'll tell us more later. Just the thought of it is so exciting! What an honor!

Sarah's strutting around on the table with his crest erect - he's so goofy.

Josh and I were talking about the ski trip today and he said that his goal was to get to Parsenn Bowl and to take me with him. He said we'd work our way up to it but that we'd get there no matter what. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm glad he gave me time so I can psych myself up for it. I can't wait to go - I absolutely love to snow ski. Can you believe I'm old enough to be a chaperone?

My quest for Germany continues. I haven't looked up mission organizations yet, but there's still the money factor. I'll wait until next summer if I have to, but I'd rather go this summer, obviously. Maybe I can work with M&A over the summer and then I'll get more money than I woould at the animal clinic. Hmm... *starts scheming*

I'm going to a Bible study tonight with Lucas. I went with him two weeks ago and it was very different from a study at Crossroads. It's in a big church in Southlake (I can't think of the name at the moment) and their music is that of Acquire the Fire or some other youth outreach style get-together. They have lights and loud music and drums in a box (to help mute the drums). Their announcements are done through powerpoint slides and homemade-on-the-computer movies. The speaker presented a mixed message, at least from my point of view. Half of the things he said I agreed with and the other half weren't true at all. Half of what he said had a seeker-oriented feel and the other half was deeper and more solid feeling message. He used about five different translations of the Bible throughout the message, choosing the wording that he liked best to help him get his message across. They had an alter call at the end of the message and at the end of the night I was confused. I wanted him to pick either the truth or lies and stick with one or the other when he spoke. If ever there was a man who could speak both simultaneously, it was he. And something else that I found interesting; he would say the stupidest things and think he was funny. The crowd of college-aged kids would laugh sometimes, but not all the time. I think I laughed once and raised my eyebrow in confusion of how he thought what he said was funny the rest of the time. All-in-all, there was a very seeker approach, but I've only gone once. I've been invited again and I'm going (obviously). We'll see how this one goes - if it's the same seeker service or if it gets deeper.

I must be off, now. I should probably feed myself before I go. See you all later!

Oh! I'm going to the Women's Retreat this weekend and it's going to be a blast!!! Tschüss!

Germany

I want to go to Germany so badly. The only problem is money, at this point. My Mom ok'd it on Sunday when I spoke with her about it. We talked about it over dinner with my family at Mazatlan and when we got in the car, she said that now was the best time in my life to go out and explore the world and learn new things. She mentioned going with a missionary organization and I think that would be great, but I don't know how much of the language I'd pick up, unless they were native speakers. That's really my concern about going to Germany; learning the language. Second is learning the culture.

Oops! I'm going to be late for Bible study. Tschüss!

Found on Priceline.com, assuming I would be leaving in June and coming back in July, these are the prices I've found (not using the "your own price" option):

From Dallas to Berlin, Germany, it would be about $1,200.

From Dallas to Munich, Germany, it would be about $1,100.

From Dallas to Nuremburg, Germany, it would be over $1,300.

Basically, we're looking at over $1,000 for a plane ticket, so the cost of the CCI programs would be about $1,000 more than their quoted price, so it would be about $3,930 for the language school in Munich and starting at $2,450 for the homestay program. This is an awful lot of money, but I know it would be worth it and scholarships are available. Maybe my hopes of traveling to Germany aren't as far from reach as I thought they'd be.

There May Be Hope Yet

I have just looked online and found two different sites on foreign exchange that may actually be feasible. I found a lot, but only two that caught my eye. One may only be for high school students and it costs a lot more, but the price includes airfare and tuition for classes, too.

The one that I speak of is with AYUSA and it would last from June 24 to July 25. I would do homestay (stay with a family in their home) in Cologne, Germany and take language classes in the morning for 4 hours per day. There is no language requirement, which is what I need if I'm to go this summer (I doubt I will since it's so much money). Total price, including airfare and tuition, as I mentioned before, would be $5,699. I couldn't have that by this summer, but they offer scholarships, so I might could get help with that.

The other site that I found has two different options, one is for a homestay only and the other is for language school. With the language school, I have my choice to stay in Munich, Germany for 4 weeks. I would have 25 language classes per week (I'm not sure how many hours per day) and 2 activities per week that are mandatory. I would have my own room in a family's house and the cost would be $2,830, not including airfare and possibly not tuition (the site didn't say). I could go for any four weeks throughout the year.

With the homestay exchange, I would stay in someone's home, anywhere in Germany (I would choose up to three different places on the application, but no guarantees) for any 4 weeks throughout the year. There is a "basic German" requirement, which means that I would have to either take classes over the summer, or take classes at UNT next fall in order to learn the basics and then go to Germany the following summer or spring semester. With homestay, I could choose to participate in two programs consecutively, which means I could stay for up to 8 weeks in two different areas of Germany. Scholarships are available here as well, so applications for aid would most definitely be mailed.

If I had my preference, I think I would choose the AYUSA program simly because there is no language requirement. It does cost significantly more at this point, but I haven't calculated how much airfare and other costs would be in order to add them onto the CCI price and compare final costs. You never know, AYUSA could end up being cheaper.

I think it would be awesome if I could go this summer and get started on learning. I really want to go and I've got a leg up on being informed. If you have any other ideas or sites that I could check out, let me know. I found a ton of sites that are available for high school exchange, but CCI was the only one that had an option for adults. If I went this summer, I might end up having to go with them and doing the language school program just because it might cost less. I'm going to go find out how much a plane ticket to Germany would be...I'll post again later. Tschüss!

Coming Home

THEY'RE COMING HOME TODAY!!! I have never missed my family so much since I can remember. I even miss little William. I didn't even miss them this much when I went on vacation for 2 1/2 weeks with the Hughes'. Nine days. Nine long days. Their plane is expected as of late at 8:26 tonight. Anyone, everyone, come and welcome the Haiti team back! HOORAY!!!

Bad Emotions Suck

I miss being happy. I feel like a lump of nothingness.

the Goings On

Why is it that we have to be forced to do something that we're completely uninterested in? My English class was split into five groups on Tuesday and each group recieved a piece of paper with the name of a literary critiquing style on it. We have been told to give a presentation on Tuesday about five different aspects of our style. Since I had read the chapter that we were supposed to read before coming to class that day, I knew a little about each of the critiquing styles, what the look for, their viewpoint, and so on. The one that I completely disagreed with was the Marxism style and for time and your sanity's sake, I won't go on that rant. Anyway, Tuesday morning, our group representative has returned with our piece of paper. She unfolded the paper and laid it on the table. There it was, in big letters, MARXISM. Just my luck. Now I have to research some crap on Marxism and give some stupid presentation on what I found along with my group. I am really not enjoying this class and if it weren't for the fact that I need 12 hours of class to stay on insurance, I would drop it. I love the teacher, but I'm really hating the class. I DON'T WANT TO BE A FREAKING LITERARY CRITIC!!! There. I got it out.

I found out the other day that Josh's 10-week study abroad trip to Germany will cost about $6,000. My dreams of going to Germany in summers are crushed.

I don't think I have ever been so lonely in my life. You never realize how lonely your own house is until your family isn't there anymore. I have housesat for longer than this and I never got lonely like this. I guess it's different when it's your own house.

I have to go to work today and I don't want to.

I'm very tired and I don't feel good. I haven't been able to sleep well recently. I've also been having dizzy spells. Those little buggers are scary.

I read the entirety of Ecclesiastes. That book is depressing. There is no hope. I was told that it was a great book because when taken out of context, it was depressing as if there was no hope, but that the truth was revealed that God is all you need; He is your hope. I haven't really found this to be true. On occasion Solomon (the author of the book) does mention that God can save us from this wretched place, but the book itself can be summed up in only a few sentances: Don't be too wise, don't be too foolish. Everything under the sun is meaningless. Death is better than life, and having not been born is better than all. Where is the hope in that?

I think I'll go take a nap before I go to work. Maybe I'll get a little relief from my tiredhead and frustrations.

Missing Them

I knew I missed them, but now my heart is broken. I recieved this e-mail just this morning:

Hi, all!

We made it safely to the mission compound in Cayes! No problems other
than minor illnesses. Can't wait to tell you all about it!\

Love,
The Haiti Worship Team

P.S. Julie, I love you! Mom

I wanted them home badly before, but now it's just unbearable having to wait.

I just noticed how lonely I am. Maybe that's why I can't sleep well.

Let 'Em Go

They all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh, as they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

Carrying a millstone malaise
It's been pulling down your gaze
You pound the pavement
It don't give or care
This weight ain't yours to bear
Why you holding grudges in old jars?
Why you wanna show off all your scars?
What's it gonna take to lay your burdens down?
It's a beautiful sound...

And they all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh and they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

When that muffled sigh
Says you're barely getting by
Cut your burdens loose
And just simplify. Simplify!
This is not your floor
You're going higher than before
Drop the weight now wait for the lookout guide
Look outside...

As they all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh, as they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

You gotta lay that burden down
You gotta lay that burden down
It's time to leave your burdens in a pile
Set a bonfire
'Cause when you lay your burdens down
When you drop them burdens
What a free-fall
What a thrill
Bury them all in a landfill

They all fall like a million raindrops
Falling from a blue sky
Kissing your cares goodbye
Oh, oh, they all fall like a million pieces
A tickertape parade high
Now you're free to fly

Million Pieces by Newsboys

Sometimes, you just gotta let 'em go...
Isn't it nice to be in His hands?

In Response

A response to the comments on my last post:

I thought about going for a double major, but in order for someone to do that the subjects that they want to major in have to be at the same school. Vet tech is in Lancaster, TX at Cedar Valley College, German teacher would most likely be in Denton, TX at UNT. I don't think I can attend two schools at once and there isn't enough time for me to go to one, then the other.

The months have been entered in German from Austria. There were other options, such as Germany from Germany or Switzerland, but I opted for Austrian German just to be different. I'll change it.

I said something stupid again and I'm really hoping I didn't cause any damage. We'll see how it plays out.

My wireless internet has been down the past couple of days and it's really starting to annoy me. Obviously, I'm on a land line at the moment, but I hope to fix the problem. I think I know what the problem might be, but I don't know where my parents keep the internet information and I can't ask them because they're in Haiti.

Speaking of which, off I go to attempt to fix the internet again. Tschüss!

For Now

Wow, so many great comments on the last entry. Thank you all so much for your insight!

For now the plans are these: I will go to school for vet tech and during the summer, I will do study abroad or be a foreign exchange student all summer. That way, I'll get the best of three worlds; I'll have a "sturdy career" that I know I will enjoy, I get to learn German, and I get to learn it from a native tongue and don't use those incredibly formal phrases taught in America. I had noticed (from feedback from friends, of course) that native German or Austrian teachers did a much better job of teaching than the American raised, took classes in college teachers. Granted, I am American raised, but I'll have minor exposure in the summer, enough to get some of the language down, and maybe when I'm done with vet school I can live there for a year or maybe even take a break from vet stuff and live there for a year.

Truth is, given the opportunity, I'd get my basics done and just haul off to Germany and live there for a year and work on language. I wouldn't go to vet school when I got home, but I'd keep my job at the animal hospital. If I moved, I'd find another clinic to work at.

The only problem with following my passion, Mrs. B, is that I don't know if I would enjoy the job of teaching. That's my only concern with going that route. I know my parents wouldn't let/want me to get a degree in German and "do nothing with it" and continue working at the vet clinic. That is what I want to do, but I don't think that's what will happen - things never work out the way I want them to. I don't know what else I would do with a German degree other than teach. I don't think I could work as a translator around here. I really don't know what else I could do with it other than to teach.

I'm thinking and praying about it. I figure it's a good way to get my prayer life back on track, or existing, for that matter. As always, it's a decision between what I want and what others want for me, what's fun and what's good for me. *shrug* It's nothing I can't handle, otherwise God wouldn't have given it to me.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. Oh, Chris, I'd be teaching the little ones the two languages at once. :) Tschüss!

Cannot Decide

Teacher or Vet Tech? This has been a question that has been turning the gears of my mind since school started this year. There are, as is for everything, pros and cons to both, but I cannot decide which would be the best for me in the end.

If I went to school to be a Vet Tech, I would go through school to learn to do something that I enjoy doing and have fun with. I know I can do this job and I know I won't get bored with it because it's a job that uses brainpower and it's not a dead-end job; nothing becomes mundane. I would get reasonable pay (assuming I can find the practice that does so) and I could easily quit when I start having children. I would only need 5 hours per year in order to stay registered and that could be arranged with the local practice. Of course there would be the conferences that I would need to attend to stay informed on the latest medicines and practices and such, but nothing too terribly time consuming.

On the other hand, going to school and majoring in German and minoring in education (and/or English) and teaching German would mean that I had a job that had something to do with one of my passions. I believe that I have a passion about the German language, at least learning it, but I don't know if I could teach it. I say that to people and their response is always the same, "You'll take classes that teach you how to teach." It sounds odd, but it's true; I will take classes that do such things. But just because I take classes on how to teach doesn't mean that I would be a good teacher. If I taught, I would want to be the teacher that makes class fun and interesting; my students would learn through doing and hopefully enjoy the class overall. I'd want to be like Mrs. Souder is to me; fun, engaging, challenging, and encouraging. I don't know if I could be the teacher that I want to be; besides, I talk too much. I'm not sure about the pay; a friend who is a teacher tells me that it depends on the school district. I do not know how easy it would be to quit to have children; I suppose that depends on the district, too. The registration for teachers lasts for 5 years; at the end of which, if you haven't taken a certain number of hours in a continuing education type thing, you have to retake a test to become registered again. I'd have to take a language class before I decided to be a teacher, anyway. I've never been to one and I think I'd need to know how it works.

Ever since I learned that my Great Grandmother came to America from Germany and that my Grandmother, who is full-blooded German, does not speak a word of German, I have been fascinated with the German language and culture, wanting to learn as much about it as possible. I have even toyed with the idea of being a missionary in Germany. They are a dark country and they need the light of God. I want to be a foreign exchange/study abroad student there, live there for a while, to see for myself the details of the language and life there and the culture. There's only so much one can learn from a classroom, you know? I have, for a very long time, wanted to be bilingual and wanted to teach my children a foreign language before they learn English so that the family can speak the foreign language to each other, but know English so that we can function in America. What better way to learn the language than to live in the country and learn it from the natives? Who knows, I may discover that Germany is not as cool as I think it is and decide that I really don't want to be a part of it?

I'm trying to be careful in choosing which way I go. My parents (Mom) say that I should go into the Vet Tech field since I've always wanted to be a doctor and that I seemed to be so passionate about the field not too long ago. It's true, I was, but I hadn't yet learned that my passion for German was attainable. Both careers are equally accessible, both I can quit to have children relatively easily, both involve things that I love. Neither are real concrete on pay, since pay depends on the location of the job. One I am certain to enjoy, the other is not known. One I know I can do, the other is unsure. Do I follow my heart or my brain? Do I pursue what I want or do what I know would be profitable? I want my decision to be my own, not my parents', not my friends'. I don't want others to decide for me, I want to make an informed decision. I suppose I could head for what I want and if I don't like it I can go the other way. I don't know what to do. Any ideas or advice would me much appreciated and very welcome. Have a great night, all.

-End of Transmission-

Woot, Woot!

Hey there all you guys and girls out there! I am in a fantastic mood. I went to school this morning, came home for lunch, went back to school for my last class, and came home again. I got home in a great mood, I washed my car, I dusted and vacuumed inside, I raked the yard and cleaned the kitchen. John cleaned the bathroom, he swept in the living room, dining room and kitchen, and cleaned the kitchen counters and the dining room table. William raked a little bit and we're working on getting him to finish his second load of dishes. In other words, we worked our butts off today and now the house (and my car) is that much cleaner! Woohoo!

I'm really excited about school this semester, too. Here's my schedule:
Monday, Wednesday, Friday
9-10 am: Human Sexuality (psych class)
10-11 am: Beginning Algebra
1-2 pm: Music Appreciation

Tuesday, Thursday
8-9 am: Literature and Composition

I have a couple really cool classes and I'm so pumped about them! I have to go - my parents got home and it's dinner time! Mmmmmm...pizza.....

Read Previous Blog First

Isn't it interesting that a lot of this came up one year ago as well?

Problems

Problems are interesting in that they happen in many different forms to each individual alive. Some problems seem impossible at the time, but really time makes the difference because the answer has to be learned, much like a baby learning to use his hands and fingers. Some problems have an easy answer and may or may not be easy to find, depending on the location of the answer, such as why the toaster doesn't toast anymore when the plug isn't in the electrical socket. Others are problems with varying complexities but all have simple solutions. The catch is that the answers to these problems are virtually unattainable. Schemes can be devised to fix the problem, but each one falls short in some manner. It is these types of problems that can last a lifetime. A lot of these problems are self-inflicted; a single mistake can make one, but oftentimes the mistake isn't known until it's too late to fix the problem. Such problems are the ones riddling my life at the moment. Actually, it is one specific problem that I am sure will haunt me all the days of my life. It is not necessarily something that I did wrong in order to assume this problem, for the responsibility was bound to come someday. I'd like not to have to, but I blame it on poor parenting, in the literal sense. The question is cliche, yes, but I can't help but ask, "Why me?"

No money.

No best friend.

No education.

No trust.

No compassion.

No help.

No support.

No encouragement.

No strength.

I like to think I'm a very capable woman, with the world at my feet. In a way, I am. In the other, I am nothing but a peasant, scrounging for food; settling for dumpster juice.

I am alone in this, it seems. The only friend I thought could empathize has grown away from me. I have no female support, no guidance. I cannot look to the one closest to me except for how not to do things. I cannot trust those far away from me. The friends I once had are now becoming people I despise. There is no one person who has always been there, throughout my entire life, to which I can turn. There is one who will always be with me, or at least I hope. Once again, I feel alone.

I was in such a fantastic mood today. I looked beautiful, but more importantly I felt beautiful (if you're a girl, you know what I mean). I had a wonderful day with Josh, full of all sorts of excitement and surprises. Lunch, armadillos, ice skating, Fun with Dick and Jane (you don't want a movie review from me on this one), dinner, great company, and love. All of a sudden it came crashing down. My once-in-a-blue-moon great mood was slashed and annihilated by reality. Cloud 9 stopped floating; this version of hell I call my life came back into my eyes, bringing nothing but pain, helplessness, and tears with it. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know who to turn to. Until I figure out what to do, my life as I know it will be drowned in tears.

Tschüss.

*throws horns up*

NATIONAL CHAMPIONS! WE DID IT!!! We won the title of national champions at the Rose Bowl tonight. We had a perfect season - completely undefeated! Woohoo! GO LONGHORNS!!!

Long Time, No Speak

Boy, it's been a while. Sorry it's been so long. With all the fuss of the holidays and such, I haven't had much time to post.

My holidays were wonderful this year. Josh loves his blanket (I haven't finished the pillowcase yet), my family loved their presents, Josh and I had a great time when we were with both of our families. I've gotten to spend a lot of time with Josh; it's been really great to see him and have him only 20 minutes away again. I'm anxious for school to start again...not looking forward to it.

I found out my grades for last semester, and they were exactly as I predicted. A in English, A in Speech, B in Math (pre-algebra), and D in Biology. I'm going to retake Biology next semester. I'm also going to take English 2 and beginning algebra, the next level of developmental math (it's required). I have to take 12 hours; and I don't know what other classes to take. I'll probably take a history class since I have to. When I register, I'll see how many hours that will be and if I have to take another class, it'll probably be either economics or government. We'll see.

I've seen some new movies, some of which I like, and some of which I don't. One that I'm going to buy as soon as it comes out on DVD in Memoirs of a Geisha. I haven't cried at a movie in a long time. I thought that movie was fantastic. I really, really, want that movie. It was so great. I loved it, anyway.

Well, I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed now. I'll talk to you shmoes later. Hope your holidays were great! Tschüss!

I Have To Tell the World

Last Tuesday, I woke up at 5 am to work on the final details of my research paper due in English the following day. I went to work at 8:30 am and didn't get home until about 8:30 or 9. I immediately went to work to finish the paper, finished by 11:30, then I went to work on my portfolio that was worth 400 points, half of my grade in English. I finished my portfolio at about 6:45 am, then I got dressed and ate so that I could leave the house on time. I took a nap at 3 o'clock that afternoon after having stayed awake for 34 hours; my first all nighter.

It payed off, too. I e-mailed my teacher to ask how we were going to know our grades for the class. Here's the response I recieved: "“A” on the wonderful portfolio and an “A” for the class (only because I’m very sure they don’t let me give any higher!) :)

Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Love,
Donna"
That means that I got the highest grade possible!!! I just opened it and was crying because I was so happy! I can't believe it!

Freedom

I'M DONE WITH MY FIRST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE!!! I have yet to find out my final grades, but I'll post them on here when I find out. I'm just so happy to be done!

Tschüss!

Current emotion: *runs around room screaming and ripping hair from head by the handfull*

I am so emotional right now.
I am stressed.
I am confused.
I am hurting.
I am ashamed.
I am exhausted.
I'm thinking way more than I'm supposed to be.
I want things to happen and am not patient.
I know what I want to do with my life, but I don't know what to do with the present.
I just want to sit here and cry.
I want relief.

The Conclusion Is...

Upon reading past blogs I have come to this conclusion:

I suck as a human being.

Yeah, you heard me. I suck as a human being. 'Nuff said.

Interesting Idea

I recieved this in an e-mail today. A kid in Arizona wrote it, according to the e-mail. Speaking of Arizona, I miss my girls.

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

An interesting idea, I thought. He brings up an interesting point: Everything is allowed except Christianity. If you're Buddhist, that's fine. If you don't believe in a god and want to dress in black and put doom on the world, that's ok. But if you mention the name of God, you have spoken blashphemy and doom on you because you may have offended someone. They do not care if the Christians get offended by things that other people do, but we can't offend any of them. I'm not saying that we should offend anyone, I'm just pointing out the restrictions that the world puts on Christians. What do you think?

"Updayte"

It always cracks me up when people can't spell. This morning, my math teacher was teaching us the Pythagorean Theorem and he was saying that a and b can be switched around, but not c because c is always the "hypotheneuse." I feel sorry for all the students in that class that will recieve spelling errors on their math homework. I find spelling so easy, it's difficult for me to understand how people can't spell.

My birthday was fun; the scavenger hunt went well - my team won with 599 points, thank you, Josh. I had a pretty good thanksgiving. I spent the first half of the day with my boyfriend and his family, then he and I drove up to Oklahoma where my family was. We spent the night there and headed back Friday afternoon. Friday morning my family took Josh to see the Holy City and to tromp around on Mount Scott. He had a blast tromping around and getting to meet my family.

On the way home (I was driving) I was becoming increasingly sensitive to light - a car's headlights would cause intense pain in my eyes. Before long, they just hurt because they could, they didn't have to be hit with light first. It hurt so bad that I was almost in tears. The only thing that hurt worse was when the lymph node in my neck swelled up so big that I couldn't move my head, but that's another story. My eye was as red as a crayon and was very swollen. I was so sensitive to light the next morning that I got a headache just from walking around the house even though the blinds were closed. I went to work anyway, but they sent me home after 15 minutes. Thank God for Elizabeth - she covered my shifts. Josh took me to an urgent care facility and after having some tests done, some quite embarrassing, the doctor discovered that I had two ulcers on my right eye. He said they'd be gone by Monday, and he gave me some antibiotic drops and some pain medicine.

The pain medicine made me very dizzy, so I've stopped taking it. My vision was cloudy yesterday, but it's mostly cleared up now. As soon as my vision is clear again, I'm going to put in my contact and see how it looks (no pun intended). My eye still hurts every so often or when I poke it, but other than that it's fine. I can't wait to have my eye normal again.

Finals are coming up soon - I'm getting nervous about them. I have a semi-huge (that sounds odd) assignment due on Wednesday that I have to get done tonight because I work from 9 to 8 tomorrow, so I'm stressing about that. I figured I'd relax a little before I stress out too badly. I'll talk to you all later. Sorry I haven't updated sooner. Tschüss.

Tomorrow

MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!! I'll be 19, my last teenage birthday. I'm so pumped about it! Josh is coming home for the weekend - I can't wait to see him! Gotta go - got a lot of stuff to do before tonight. Tschüss.

Breakdown

I am this close *holds up thumb and forefinger* to having an emotional breakdown. My emotions ran haywire tonight after Bible study. I was a mixture of all sorts of bad feelings, anger, sadness, pining, things of that nature. All I wanted to do was drive very fast for a long time, blaring rock music as loud as I could stand it. I was in a good mood when I arrived at Bible study, but my mood was changed somehow. I think it's partly because my friend is going through some similar problems to what I've been going through recently and I wish that upon no one - I'm worried about her. I talked about those things that were stressing me in prayer group and that brought my mood down. I don't have anyone to turn to - I don't have a girl friend. When it was suggested to me two weeks ago that I should spend more time with the Lord, my thought was, "That never works." Josh isn't here in Flower Mound where I can get a hug and a loving arm around me as I cry on his shoulder. Basically, I have no one to turn to, and that's been getting to me. Other things with school, family, living conditions, and so forth have been bothering me. Lately, the stresses of getting my party ready, getting my room clean, getting my homework done, studying for tests that I have to take after my big weekend, and moving into the house that I'm house-sitting have been stressing me out, mainly because they have to be done before the week's close. I want to be able to relax this weekend and take time for me. I know it won't happen. I've also been worrying about getting Josh's blanket and pillowcase done on top of making sure my homework gets done. I'm also thinking about Christmas presents for my friends - that will take money that I don't have, but I can't not give them something. Anne mentioned something tonight that I hadn't thought of...I could transfer to UT when I can afford it - but if all goes according to plan, that wouldn't be feasible...or would it? I'm tired and have homework. Why is it that I have to be the most unattractive human being I know? *puke*

6 Days

Only six more days until my 19th birthday!!! I'm so excited! It's my last teenage birthday, so I'm making it special. I'm having a (relatively) huge party and we're going to have a scavenger hunt and watch movies and have cake and icecream and all sorts of fun things like that. It's going to be a blast! Josh and I are going to Glamour Shots on the 20th to get pictures taken together for both our 18-month dating anniversary and my birthday. That's going to be equally as enjoyable. I'm so pumped about this weekend!

I'm really cooking with gas on Josh's blanket (not literally). It's really coming along. I can't wait to see it when it's finished!

I have speech to study for, so I've got to run. Just thought I'd write while it was on my mind. Tschüss!

Read At Your Own Risk

Were they made to burst my bubbles or do I just set the bar for myself too high?

Why do I even try? There seems to be no point.

I only want simple things, so why do they have to be so complicated?

Life is full of surprises - I never thought my parents were one of them.

The things I want I cannot have. The things I have I cannot want.

UT, I love you. You will never be a part of my life. For that, I mourn deeply.

My heart is shattered. They're supposed to support me and encourage me and all they do is bring me down.

Why is it that the source of all my problems is either money or the people I was born to?

I wish I could start over, hit the reboot button.

I have the one who is more than I could ever ask for - you're all I have to live for.

I am being forced to go to school.

I'm being forced to give up.

I'm being forced to hate.

I'm being forced to give up my dreams. I will never give up my ultimate dream - they will not take it away, no matter how hard they try. I will not give it to them. They can take away the rest of my life, but they cannot take my dream from me.

I am cold.

I am alone.

I need peace.

I need help.

For now, I cry myself to sleep, helpless and alone.

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

A quote that I've heard before but was used tonight at Bible study. I've always liked that quote.

I'm having issues - trust issues, knowledge issues, it's really a mix between a lot of issues. I'm going to go see a friend about it on Thursday.

Josh's blanket is coming along nicely - after having tried twice before. *shrug* Third time's a charm, right?

I'm getting a pretty good return on my guest list. I haven't yet created the scavenger hunt, but that will come in time. I can't wait for my birthday this year. I don't know why, but I'm really excited about it, moreso than I was last year and last year was a "huge turning point."

Lucas is a really cool guy. He's a good friend and an honest, God-fearing man. I've really enjoyed getting to know him over this school semester.

Jamie missed school today. I hope she gets better soon. I don't have the heart to tell her that she missed the quiz.

Being sick isn't healthy.

I frequent the act of striving to achieve something and then talking myself out of it, blaming it on parents, friends, family, anything I really can and then regretting it later. This time I'm not going to give up on myself. I'm going to strive for what I want with all my might and if I don't get it, at least I know I tried.

I found out that only one of my class's credits won't transfer. That's good news. Maybe my English grade will cover up for Biology.

Instead of only working next semester I may be taking one class. I don't think I could stand not being taught by Mrs. Souder. She's the most amazing teacher. She has influenced me and inspired me in ways that she will never know. I owe her my deepest gratitude. Even though you will never read this, props to you, Mrs. Souder. You have inspired me, encouraged me, and showed me how to make my works my own. I thank you from the deepest regions of my heart.

She Told Me So

Well, Chris; I'm finally getting around to your request. Enjoy!

5 things I plan to do before I die:
1) Travel to Austria
2) Travel to Germany
3) Be fluent in German and teach it to my kids
4) Get married to the love of my life
5) Have children

5 things I can do:
1) Crochet
2) Make the stupidest puns you've ever heard
3) Sing
4) Kiss (so I've been told)
5) Write

5 things I cannot do:
1) Biology
2) What I want
3) Test well
4) Sleep
5) Be cool

5 things that attract me to members of the opposite sex:
1) Eyes
2) Facial hair
3) Long hair
4) Uniqueness
5) Confidence without arrogance

5 things I say most often:
1) Umm...yeah
2) Really now?
3) Do you now?
4) I'm such a dork
5) I love you

5 celebrity crushes (I don't really have any, but I'll tell you people who I find attractive):
1) Viggo Mortensen
2) Johnny Depp
3) Gerard Butler
4) Patrick Wilson
5) Gregory Smith

5 people I want to do this:
1) Josh G.
2) Seanathan
3) John H.
4) Lori
5) Brandon/Jenny

100 Years

I'm 15 for a moment

Caught inbetween 10 and 20

and I'm just dreaming

counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment

She feels better than ever

and we're on fire

Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to lose

15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment

I'm still the man, but you see I'm a they

A kid on the way

A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment

The sea is high

and I'm heading into a crisis

Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to lose yourself

Within a morning star

15 I'm alright with you

15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by

Suddenly you're wise

Another blink of an eye

67 is gone

The sun is getting high

We're moving on

I'm 99 for a moment

Dying for just another moment

and I'm just dreaming

Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you

22 I feel her too

33 you're on your way

Everyday's a new day

15 there's still time for you

Time to buy and time to choose

Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this

When you only got 100 years to live

- Five for Fighting

Overwhelmed

I'm becoming overwhelmed. I don't think this persuasive speech could get any more difficult. I want to give up. I don't have time to work on prospective school things. I am sick of living in a filthy house that I don't have time to clean. I'm sick of living with one brother who doesn't know how to obey because he hasn't been taught to do so and another brother who either abuses or ignores the first. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick and I don't have time to stop and heal. I don't have the money for school. I don't have the academic necessities for school. I don't have a well paying job so that I can go to the school of choice. I can't tell people where I want to go because they'll think I'm only going for one reason. I find myself taking my frustrations out on the one I love, the one who can give me most comfort. I'm tired of being a grownup. I'm tired of being a mom.

I just want to be the normal 18-year old; I want my parents to pay for school, I want to be able to go wherever I want for school, I want my parents to be supportive of my choice in schools (I haven't told them yet, but I know they won't like it), I want to be a sister to my brothers instead of their mother, I want to have an actual relationship with my dad - not just know who he is. I want to be a great writer. I want to be fluent in German. I want to go to Austria and Germany some day. I want to marry the love of my life. I want to teach my kids German before they learn their English. I want to have happy holidays this year with no repeats of last year. I want time to think. I want to be the typical stupid 18-year-old who turns out to be a great person. I'm used to not getting what I want. Why does it have to be this way? What am I supposed to learn from all this???

I have to go eat lunch and wipe the tearstains off my cheeks before work. Bis später.

Thinking

I've been thinking a lot recently and the more I consider it, the more I want to forgo the vet tech thing and go to school for the German degree. I could always work in a veterinary clinic if I had that desire, or I could even take a distance learning course while I'm going to a different school.

The school I want to go to is expensive for me though. Technically any school is expensive for me, but this one moreso than the other school I had in mind. The school I want to go to will cost $9,438 for a single semester, costing $18,876 per year for on-campus Texas residents. If I choose to go this route, I'll need to do nothing but work next semester and all through summer and I might have enough money for the first semester. The price I listed accounts for tution, books, transportation, room and board, personal expenses, and any general fees that are applicable. I really want to go to this school (I won't name it for fear of judgement and I really don't feel like explaining myself right now), I think it would be good for me and my career choice will work for future plans. I can see my parents being opposed to it, perhaps very passionately opposed to it, so I need to work out all the details so that when I present the idea to them I can effectively argue my case. Although I'm considering giving them a little information at a time, that way they don't accuse me of bringing it up suddenly when I've been contemplating for months. I'm not really sure what to do.

On a lighter note, I made a 21 on my biology quiz. I don't know if that's good or not, but I'm assuming it is because the teacher wrote "good" beside the 21 and three of my biology peers (one of which is VERY good at biology) made nothing higher than a 3 on the same test. There was also a home portion of the quiz and I made a perfect score on that. All I need to do is keep making high marks and maybe I can pull my D up to a C. I guess it doesn't matter if I do or not - I have to have 24 credit hours to be able to transfer to the school I want and I'll only have 13. Ah well. I can still try; my goal is to make nothing short of a B+ anyway. *shrugs* Whatever.

I had a great weekend with Josh and am exhausted from the trip. I was falling asleep in English class, so I think I'm going to go take a nap before Bible study. Talk to you all later. Feedback on the first paragraph would be more than welcome. Tschüss.

Happy News

I just realized that I seem to blog more often when things are not going well. I wonder why that is. Although said bad things are still on my mind, I am not letting it sour my attitude. I'm actually happy right now, so here I am, for the record, blogging while happy. Everyone got your calendars out?

I was asked today at work how I was today. My answer was simple and the most prominent thing on my mind. My reply? "I am giddy beyond all comprehension." This is still the case. I am going out of town tomorrow to visit my beloved Joshua and spend some time with him. I can't wait to drive down and see him!

I am also having a delightful time with my friend's birthday present. I'm having more fun torturing her with it that the present itself, but that's to be expected. >:D

I have a paper to miraculously make larger with some content that is unknown to me, take a shower, eat dinner and all that fun stuff. I wish you all the merriest of weekends and the best of times. For now, I bid you tschüss. Bis später!

Debating

I know I need to find a job that pays more, but I've actually caught myself thinking about what would happen if I changed my plan for college. My previous plan was to do basics at NCTC and transfer to Cedar Valley College and take the two-year course to get my vet tech degree. Biology is becoming increasingly more difficult and I know that's one of the major things I'll need to know and be good at for vet school. Afterall, to be in the veterinary field you have to be just as good with academics as you are with animals.

The plan that's floating around in my head now is to finish the year at NCTC and find a university to go to that has German language courses and go there to major in German and minor in English. I really love writing and seeing what people think of my work, and I love languages even though I haven't been formally taught any. My thoughts were that if I went this route, I could be a German teacher in a highschool (my other seriously thought out career path - a highschool teacher) and still be able to easily quit to have kids (not in the middle of the year, of course, but I'd be able to quit rather easily) and provide the "house money" so that my husband and I can move in before the first child is born. I'm fascinated by the German language; I've been known to say that German is the superior language, that no one should speak English (or any other language) anymore. I've always loved the German language and what little I know of the culture. There's a lot that I don't know, but what little I do know, I am really interested in. I really want to know more.

I know it's a drastic change and I'm not really sure that's what I want to do, but I'm really not sure if I can handle the work load to be a vet tech. Looking over the course schedule I find that there are never, in the entire two year course, less than 13 hours in the fall and spring semesters. I'm having a hard time working and taking 13 hours - I'm sure I'd be doing better in biology if I had more time to study and learn. Here's their course schedule: Summer semester 1: 7 hours. Fall semester 1: 14 hours. Spring semester 1: 15 hours. Summer semester 2: 6 hours. Fall semester 2: 16 hours. Spring semester 2: 15 hours. I can't do that and work at the same time and if I don't go to school for even a single semester just to work, that'll change my future plans drastically and I don't want to do that.

This change, whether for or against, is going to change my plans for the next five years at least. There are things that I'm waiting for that I don't want to put off any longer, and these things won't work well if I mix them together. I haven't even mentioned this to my parents yet, whom I'm sure would freak out upon hearing such a seemingly bizzare idea. Of course they'd bring up the whole money issue, but there's a money issue for me going to Cedar Valley, too. I'd need an apartment and books; tuition alone is going to be 10,000 per year! I know that's not a lot for college, but it's a lot for me, a girl who has no choice but to pay for her own tuition.

Should I change or should I stick to the original plan? I don't know what to do - the stress from everything is crushing my brain.

I am frustrated and I am helpless. I have a paper to write.

Why?

Why is it that family has to be so frustrating and difficult? Why aren't there more hours in the day? Why do my parents have to have massive financial crises my entire life? Why do I have to be my brothers' mother? Why do I get yelled at for things that I don't have time for? Why do we have to have Oreo? Why don't I have someone I can cry to at any time? Why do I have to be such a big person at such a young age? Why can't I get paid more? Why can't things be easier?

I get sick and tired of coming home to a filth-hole that even pigs would be to good for. I get tired of the mess. I get tired of the junk. I get tired of being tired. I try and get my brothers to clean up the house a little bit and they do nothing. I try to talk to my parents about it and all they do is yell at me. I try, I really do try and help out around here. It gets so hard when all my extra time is spent on homework.

I do my homework every night, hoping that I can get through it and then it'll be done and maybe I'll have some extra time. No. I never have extra time. I try to make good grades in school, hoping that maybe for once my parents will be proud of me. My hopes are dashed. You'd think they'd understand my point of view; they come home to the same filth-hole and they don't like it any better than I do but they don't ask the boys to clean, they don't try and clean it up, they sit and watch tv because they're tired from work. Ok, I can understand that to an extent, but when the boys aren't ever cleaning, when the house is always dirty, you'd think they'd try and do something about it instead of yelling at us for not doing anything. I'm tempted to stay home from classes tomorrow and do nothing but clean the house - I don't have any tests tomorrow.

Here's my dilemma: If I clean the house, I make bad grades from lack of studying. If I make good grades, the house stays dirty. No matter which one I do, my parents have some reason to gripe, and they don't hesitate to do so. I don't mean to rag on my parents so much, they try to be good parents.

At work, we have a section of runs and cages which are rented from us by Highland Village Animal Control. The only dog in there right now has stolen my heart. My co-worker and I have named him Romeo since he's the sweetest dog - he's such a lover. I asked my parents (a.k.a. mom) if we could think about adopting him. She refused to have a third dog (which is understandable considering our living arrangements) and said that if we were to have him, we'd have to put down one of our other dogs first. Unfortunately the one we'd pick would be the healthiest one - the one we love will probably die on his own within a year anyways. This sounds cruel - it's not the way it sounds. I'm going to shut up now.

My life is a tightrope walk, but what happens if I fall off?

Grade Update

I got a D on my biology lab practicum, I made a 104 (out of 100 - he he bonus questions rock) on my first algebra test, I made a 4 out of 9 on my speech test and my speech today sucked so bad. Why do I have to have so much catching up to do? God, what's the point? I must be behind for a reason, but I can't even begin to think of what it might be.

Pray for me - I'm tired, I'm sick and aside from all that, I'm finding myself being hostile to others, oftentimes for no good reason. I apologized to someone today for it, but I'm being hostile to them for odd reasons. To hear my reasons you'd think me a pagan, but I can't help what bothers me and what doesn't, I can only control my reactions to it, which I haven't been doing properly.

I have to go meet a friend from school - I promised him I'd be there. Talk to you all later. Tschüss.

SO EXCITED!!!!!!!

KELLEY MADE HOMECOMING QUEEN!!!!!! *dances around room* I couldn't believe it; I was crying I was so excited! She came and spent the night with Chris, Ang, and I at Chris's house. We watched Hitch while going to bed and we talked about boys and stuff like that; you know, girl stuff. We won the football game, one of my long-time friends is head drum major, the same friend is also crowned Homecoming Queen, I spent the night with the three people I have known for 13 years and had a blast doing it...last night was a wonderful night!

Oh, and did you know that Sonny Bryan's makes a great breakfast? *inhales deeply, then exhales* Ah, there's nothing like the smell of meat tater in the morning.

Maybe So

I think I might be able to do this school thing after all! Yeah, it's hard and very different than what I'm used to, but I think I might be able to squeeze through. Here are my grades so far:

Speech: Quiz 1: A+, Quiz 2: A+, Speech to Inform: A.
Biology: Test 1: 12.7 out of 15 questions, got 8 wrong.
Pre-Algebra: Test 1: 84 (possibly a 92, pending teacher's grading on a make-up type assignment)
Biology Lab: Quiz 1: 7 out of 10 questions with one bonus question (i didn't answer), got three wrong; Quiz 2: 7 out of 7 questions with two bonus questions (one answered wrong and the other not answered at all), got two wrong.
English (Grammar and Composition): Preleminary Research Paper: A+.

Ok, so I'm not doing so hot in biology. It's hard and I'm really struggling with it. There are so many little things that I'm supposed to know, so many things that I'm about 99% sure I won't have to know later on in life. I'm trying and that's what matters, right? Heh. I'm proud of my accomplishments.

I know what I'm going to do my demonstration speech on...crocheting. Yeah, you heard me. Crocheting. It's something that I'm good at, something that I like to do, and also school friendly. Ooh! Maybe I can make a cup holder for everyone...that would be awesome!

Rollercoaster

Lately my thoughts and feelings have been a rollercoaster more intense than the Titan and Texas Giant put together. This weekend my beloved boyfriend, Josh, came into town for his dad's birthday and to hear me sing in big church. Friday night we went on a picnic at Grapevine Lake, Saturday, we hung out at his house, ate steak that his mom made for lunch, we went and saw the 40-Year-Old Virgin, ate dinner at Chili's, watched From Hell at his house, then he took me home. Sunday, I sang in big church in the morning, went with Josh and his family, immediate and some extended, to BJ's for lunch, then back to Josh's for dessert (presents were after I left, I assume).

I was on a high when I was with him, I was depressed when he left. Singing in church cheered me up, my lonely thoughts at home put me back down again.

I woke Monday morning in the worst mood imaginable. I woke up and felt so empty. The lonliness consumed my soul. I wanted to drive. I wanted to drive far, far away. I wanted to just pack 3-4 days worth of clothes and head out. I would have, if I had the gas money.

I started crying. I tried not to cry and managed to get myself to stop...then in the shower I couldn't control it. I sobbed for a good 10 minutes. I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't tell if the wetness on my face was from tears or water. I stopped before I got out, but when I walked into my room, the tears came again. I frantically thought of who I could call that would be up at 6:30 in the morning. I tried Josh, he was asleep. I knew Chris would be asleep, didn't want to wake her. Lara's cell phone wasn't working, so I didn't even try. I wanted to try some random person from church and thought of two people: Lisa and Amanda. I didn't think Amanda would appreciate an early phonecall from someone she barely knew the name of, so I text messaged Lisa. I found out that night that she wasn't exactly the happiest person that day either. "That's the last time I ask someone for help like this" I thought to myself.

I put in my new Killers cd and cranked it up loud on the way to school, wishing I was on my way out of town rather than to school. I calmed myself down walking into school. I gave my speech in speech class - I think I did well, I'll get my grade back tomorrow. I sat through biology and math, went home, did homework and ate lunch in a good mood. I went to english class at two, went home and finished mandatory reading for the quiz we're going to take on Wednesday in english. I finished my homework with time to spare, took the boys to church, and on my way to the Farney's, my bad mood started seeping back into my brain. The "study" that we did only frustrated me more, for reasons I won't go into now. I fumed to my beloved on my way home, bless his poor little heart.

I wish there was a fast-forward button, as if I'm a pre-recorded video tape. I can hit the fast-forward button and speed into the future, having gone through my "previous" experiences, I just didn't see them happpen.

When I listen to Mr. Brightside by the Killers, I get this knot feeling in my gut, I start feeling depressed, like there's no hope, like I have no choice but to sit and watch everything happen, everything's out of my control... This is the exact feeling I got on Monday morning and it's the feeling I get if I let my mind wander too far.

I suppose I'd better go. I've gotten myself into a funky mood and I need to sleep. I'll talk to you all later. Thanks for the comments. And Josh, you're so sweet!!!

Praise Him all you shining stars,
Praise the Lord in all the Earth.
Every creature near and far,
Praise the Lord!
Stormy winds and clouds of white,
Valleys clothed in splendor,
Burning sun and moonlit night,
Praise the Lord!

Heaven and all the universe
Proclaim Your power and Your worth.
Hallelujah!
Your love goes on forever!
God of life and Lord of love,
Who was and is and is to come,
Hallelujah!
Your love goes on forever!

All you creatures of the sea,
Children of the Savior,
Yearning hearts and oceans deep,
Praise the Lord!
For the mercy in His hands,
For the healing in His scars,
For the grace in His commands,
Praise the Lord!

For all You've done and Your infinite love
We lift our hearts to worship
For Your sweet grace we lift Your name
So let Your praise go on and on forever more
For the mercy in His hands,
For the healing in His scars,
For the grace in His commands,
Praise the Lord!

Thanks, Sonic Flood.

Delivering a speech Wednesday - that'll be nervewracking.

Life in General

School has been going well. I still don't have topics for speech and english, but I'm working on that as fast as possible. I may do rabies for english, but I'm not sure yet. I wanted to do something more graphic, just because I like to gross people out (and it's easy to do in my "profession") but I can't think of any.

I miss Josh, but I'm planning on visiting him the weekend after next. Boy, do I miss him.

My family and I went to Oklahoma this weekend. We were going to go visit our unofficial sister church in Mississippi, but our hosts are helping at the local hospital and wouldn't know how often they'd be around (Katrina victims). So we went to visit Grandma instead. I had fun, at least as much as one can in rural Oklahoma. We went and tromped around on Mount Scott - that's always my high point of the trip.

Sorry this is so short. I have topics to pick, a speech outline to start, some brainstorming thing I have to do for english, a.k.a. homework. I have no friends (that want to do something with me anyways). I have no life. And I'm tired. Ich bin muede. Tschüss.